New LDR "boyfriend" is still unsure about making things official..

[Sweeetie]

Hello,

 

I met a man a couple of months ago and we get on very well. A month after we met, he had to move back to his hometown for a job promotion. He still wanted to "pursue it" with me so we stayed in touch and he flew to my town this weekend to visit me. He kept saying how much he was enjoying himself during this weekend.

 

I was hoping/expecting that at some point of the weekend he would bring up the subject of making things official but he didn't do this. This made me feel a little disappointed as I really did want to know where I stood especially since things are long-distance. I didn't want to bring up the subject myself since I wanted it to come from him.

 

But when we were saying goodbye, I brought up the subject because I really did need to know. He said he was happy with the way things were going and that he wants to "carry on" and that we could discuss "where we are" on his next visit to me which would be "in the new year, perhaps next month". This reaction wasn't very satisfactory for me because I did want to know where I stood. I wasn't pressuring him to say yes to a relationship but I did make it clear that I'm not someone who does "casual" and that I would rather not continue if this was all he wanted. This made him suddenly say yes to being official but I told him I needed him to be sure, at which point he admitted that he wasn't 100% sure . He wants to talk about it later.

 

I am wondering what to do now. I have never done long-distance before so if I am in such an agreement with a person I need to know how much emotional investment and effort to give to it. He doesn't seem that bothered..should I cut down on the importance I give to this?

Edited December 6, 2015 by Sweeetie

[shuhting]

How long will he be back at his hometown for?

 

Getting into an LDR right at the start of a relationship is hard, since you haven't established a proper bond already and you need to really love each other to ensure feelings don't fade

 

The fact he doesn't seem bothered also doesn't seem great. You need a large amount of commitment for long distances to work

 

I was in a similar situation to him, I had met this girl and it got more serious just as I had to move away, and there was some confusion about us being 'official'. We were only really official for a few weeks before she told me her feelings about how she didn't think the distance could work, as once that initial honeymoon phase was over, she started to get upset and angry i couldn't be there, and cancelled plans we had arranged because she felt like it wasn't a real relationship and it wasn't worth going through.

[violetdiamond]

He might not be ready to define the relationship yet (as lame as that sounds). I tend to be very impatient and I want to know where I stand with someone ASAP. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks that way. If he still is keeping in touch with your regularly, he must be interested in you in some way. Maybe give it a little more time?

[hippychick3]

At this point, do not give any more emotional investment to this relationship. Back off, start dating other people, and wait for him to pursue you if he wants to be with you.

[Lois_Griffin]

What's the point of pursuing something that has no future?

 

You'd basically be having a 'relationship' with Skype and he'd come around to visit every 4 or 5 months. To what end? So you can tie yourself down to a Skype screen for the next 2 years letting your life pass you by?

 

I just don't get it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

The fact that he didn't want to lock into anything more official would have been my cue to move on. Who the hell wants to be with someone you have to convince to be with you?

 

If you don't do casual, that's fine but I would VERY careful how to proceed. Letting him know he can only have you if he'll commit to a relationship might get you what you want in the short term but all you've basically done is just forced his hand. If all he's looking for is sex, he'll likely say whatever you want to hear but when he's out of sight, he'll be doing whatever he wants.

 

Tread carefully my friend.

 

LDR are challenging at the best of times. Going into one with someone who is reluctant from the start is a recipe for heartache.

[Sweeetie]

What's the point of pursuing something that has no future?

 

You'd basically be having a 'relationship' with Skype and he'd come around to visit every 4 or 5 months. To what end? So you can tie yourself down to a Skype screen for the next 2 years letting your life pass you by?

 

I just don't get it.

 

He lives a 2-hour flight away so I'm hoping it'll be atleast one visit a month. He lives with his family who doesn't yet know about me so he hasn't invited me to visit him as yet. He hasn't actually thought about when he next wants to come and see me; he just said "at some point in the new year" which was more vague a response than what I was hoping for.

 

It really is a shame that he doesn't want to think about a relationship yet; I thought we were closer than that at this stage. I have been putting in a lot of effort for him especially this weekend when I played host to him, taking good care of him and treating him to breakfast and dinner (he has never once treated me to dinner). I guess I am more emotionally invested than I ought to be but I am just not someone who can do casual; it's all or nothing for me. His nonchalance about all this is making it difficult for me and is messing with my head a bit.

 

At the same time I partly regret disclosing my feelings on this to him because I have heard how bringing up the commitment factor scares men away. He wants to have a phone chat with me this week (in response to me saying that I would like there to be more communication in between visits), should I reassure him when I talk to him that I was moving too fast and am happy to wait a bit? Or should I ask him about this again? I don't want him to lose interest.

Edited December 7, 2015 by Sweeetie

[hippychick3]

He lives a 2-hour flight away so I'm hoping it'll be atleast one visit a month. He lives with his family who doesn't yet know about me so he hasn't invited me to visit him as yet. He hasn't actually thought about when he next wants to come and see me; he just said "at some point in the new year" which was more vague a response than what I was hoping for.

 

It really is a shame that he doesn't want to think about a relationship yet; I thought we were closer than that at this stage. I have been putting in a lot of effort for him especially this weekend when I played host to him, taking good care of him and treating him to breakfast and dinner (he has never once treated me to dinner). I guess I am more emotionally invested than I ought to be but I am just not someone who can do casual; it's all or nothing for me. His nonchalance about all this is making it difficult for me and is messing with my head a bit.

 

At the same time I partly regret disclosing my feelings on this to him because I have heard how bringing up the commitment factor scares men away. He wants to have a phone chat with me this week (in response to me saying that I would like there to be more communication in between visits), should I reassure him when I talk to him that I was moving too fast and am happy to wait a bit? Or should I ask him about this again? I don't want him to lose interest.

 

Don't reassure him, don't ask him anything, and don't initiate anything else with him. Go about your own life dating others acting "easy breezy" UNTIL HE suggests having a relationship.

[Sweeetie]

Don't reassure him, don't ask him anything, and don't initiate anything else with him. Go about your own life dating others acting "easy breezy" UNTIL HE suggests having a relationship.

 

But another thing is that we briefly discussed exclusivity, a couple of weeks ago over text. We know where we stand on that one. Do you suppose it might be a good step for me to say to him now that if he is not ready to commit I should keep my options open? Perhaps that will help him make up his mind..?

[hippychick3]

But another thing is that we briefly discussed exclusivity, a couple of weeks ago over text. We know where we stand on that one. Do you suppose it might be a good step for me to say to him now that if he is not ready to commit I should keep my options open? Perhaps that will help him make up his mind..?

 

What exactly did he say about exclusivity and who brought it up?

 

If he agreed to not have sex with others in a texting convo that you initiated, that's not a relationship. If he doesn't want you as his girlfriend, then you don't owe him your exclusivity and you shouldn't be having sex with him.

[Sweeetie]

If he agreed to not have sex with others in a texting convo that you initiated, that's not a relationship. If he doesn't want you as his girlfriend, then you don't owe him your exclusivity and you shouldn't be having sex with him.

 

This is the sad thing; I put off having sex with him until the weekend that he came to visit me so that I knew he was serious about things. It happened, and now he's not even thinking about when he next wants to see me and isn't sure about a relationship. I do hope I haven't been played. He did promise to call me once a week though from now on when I expressed my need for greater communication in-between visits ; if he keeps his word I'll know it's not just a big game for him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Oh boy...

 

First, having a "conversation" about exclusivity over text does NOT count.

 

Second, you are definitely WAY more invested in this guy than he is with you. That is going to be cause for great concern if you're not careful.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't say or do anything apart from go about your life including keeping your options very open. He's telling you everything you need to know but for some reason you're choosing NOT to listen and instead are desperately searching for more meaning and more commitment where there is likely none.

 

Please save your dignity.

[Sweeetie]

Oh boy...

 

First, having a "conversation" about exclusivity over text does NOT count.

 

Second, you are definitely WAY more invested in this guy than he is with you. That is going to be cause for great concern if you're not careful.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't say or do anything apart from go about your life including keeping your options very open. He's telling you everything you need to know but for some reason you're choosing NOT to listen and instead are desperately searching for more meaning and more commitment where there is likely none.

 

Please save your dignity.

 

You're right and I intend to act on the advice given here. I am just sad because I was quite guarded with him all this time and when I finally trusted that he's for real and let my guard down and really started liking him, he acts like this. I will see if he contacts me, I shall not initiate any contact.

[S2B]

You're right and I intend to act on the advice given here. I am just sad because I was quite guarded with him all this time and when I finally trusted that he's for real and let my guard down and really started liking him, he acts like this. I will see if he contacts me, I shall not initiate any contact.

 

He's going to call once a week because you said you required it?

 

This guy isn't interested enough.

 

You're leading him by telling him to do more. He doesn't want to.

 

The fact that he doesn't make loads of effort should be enough to know he's not making you his priority.

 

 

Have you checked to see if he's married? He ACTS married!

[pidgeon1010]

Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Non-exclusive means you should be dating other guys. With the added wrinkle of a long-distance relationship right at the beginning phase, it doesn't sound too promising.

 

Hell, even after you've dated someone for several months and are exclusive, there is no guarantee they will want to stay in a relationship if it's long distance. My ex dumped me after one year dating (about 10 months of exclusive relationship) because he got a job offer in another state and decided I wasn't part of his moving/long-term plan. We knew the possibility of a move was there (and I actually encouraged him to go on some of the out-of-state interviews). Well the mistake I made was not having a serious talk with him about our relationship if he were to move. I assumed we would still be together. Lesson learned lol.

 

Have a serious conversation with him and if he balks at commitment, it's easier (hopefully) to move on at this stage than get invested down the road and be disappointed.

[truth_seeker]

I tried a LDR and it didn't work for me. Too many phone calls and not enough seeing of the person IRL. Plus the expenses of traveling. Only way it works is if its temporary and one person moves to the city of the other.

 

Also, you should keep in mind how easy it is in an LDR for one or both people to cheat. You know, the whole "moment of weakness" because you're not there.

 

Go for a guy who is much closer to you and you can see IRL.

[Sweeetie]

I had a long chat with him over Skype last night and got some clarification. He said that he does want to be with me and that we are exclusive as we had said we would be previously, but that he is scared of saying yes to an actual relationship because we would only see each other once a month.

 

I asked him what the difference would be in us now and us in a relationship, since we had agreed to be exclusive anyway, to which he responded that we would have to see a lot more of each other in that case. I asked him if this means we currently stand at the level of 'friends with benefits' to which he said no; we are more than that.

 

I told him that it's up to him what he wants as long as I know where I stand so that I can make a decision based on what he wants. I said that since he doesn't want to get into a relationship with me I should cut back a little on how much investment I am putting into this. He kept trying to convince me that he does really like me and that he does not want to lose me, and asked when he could next come to visit me. He also wants to have another Skype when I have my 'next free night' which does suggest he is putting some effort into this.

 

Having thought about it, I don't feel entirely comfortable; he is having all the perks of a relationship without actually committing to one. I would like to see him again but I don't think I will let him stay at my place this time. We had a wonderful weekend when he came over and stayed at my place (sex aside), but it made me feel really close to him, which is not good for me if he doesn't want to commit to a relationship. I would be lowering myself and feel uneasy about putting in so much effort as a hostess again this time. It's just hard because I like him very much.

 

I don't know but I just feel that if he did like me all that much, he would feel like putting in the effort and committing to a relationship, especially since we have already agreed to exclusivity. I just can't go there halfway with a man; it's all or nothing for me.

 

Thoughts on this?

Edited December 10, 2015 by Sweeetie