My aunt doesn't want the Xmas gift I got her...and other christmas drama

[MissTrudy]

I really enjoy shopping for christmas and giving gifts to my family (~23 people). I did the bulk of my shopping today and while I was out I texted one of my aunts about something I thought her husband/my uncle would like, but I wanted to verify before I bought it.

 

While shopping, I spent an hour in a store selecting something for her. She's my godmother and always did stuff for me when I was growing up, so I wanted to get her something special. I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for, but I was able to buy something that I knew she'd love in bulk and make a custom gift set for her, which is what I did when I got home. I am really happy with how it came out and I just knew she would love it.

 

Well a few hours after I finish, she finally texts me back with the answer. But then she tells me that if I am thinking about getting her and her husband christmas gifts, not to get them anything because she isn't buying gifts for anyone this year besides her parents and the four kids in our family that are under 18. She's saving for her retirement. It came off as kind of passive aggressive and I know she wasn't trying to be like that, but it hurt my feelings too.

 

This aunt is child-less and pretty well-off; so while I understand wanting to save for her retirement, spending $100-200 on her family isn't going to break her. I know that she has complained about my cousins being unappreciative before, and how my uncles (her brothers) never buy gifts for anyone, but my mom and I always buy gifts for her and we're thankful for whatever she gives us. Of all my cousins, I am the only one who gives birthday cards, christmas gifts, etc, even though six of us are over 21 and have jobs. I also want to stress that I did not buy her a gift with the expectation that I'd get one back, though she usually does give me money for christmas, my birthday, etc so I would've been surprised at christmas had I not gotten something, but I wouldn't have been angry or anything. I buy gifts for my uncles (well I usually make them something that I would make anyway because I like to bake) knowing that I probably won't get anything in return. Two of the kids she's buying gifts for are the infant children of my younger, deadbeat cousin, and I feel like by buying gifts for those kids she's giving a gift to the unappreciative parent who only comes to family functions at the holidays, knowing gifts will be given to her children who are too young to even know what's going on. Those are my feelings, but I don't communicate any of this to her, because I know it's not worth arguing about.

 

The issue, though, is that I can't return her gift because I made it. Further, I don't think any one else in my family would like it. I would use it so it's not an issue, but it's wrapped up so nicely now and because I bought the components in bulk, I have more than enough of the items myself now. My grandmother might like it, maybe, but it's a little more involved than similar items that she uses. I told my aunt that i can't return it (my words: "Well I already bought you a christmas gift today...LOL! you should've texted me earlier ") and she snapped back "Well I am not married to my phone like some people..." and went on to say she was going to act like my other aunt who last year refused to take gifts that people bought her. Then I told her what I got, that I can't return it, and that maybe my mom or grandma would like it, but I don't know. And she says "OMG...that sounds like a wonderful gift!...sorry." I tell her that she can still have it if she wants and that I don't expect anything in return. No response.

 

Well now that I've thought about it more, I realize that my grandma probably would like it a lot. It's a unique, kind of fancy gift and I think it'd make her feel special because it's something she hasn't gotten before. I am a little annoyed with my grandmother because of how she's been acting about me bringing my bf home for christmas, and I wasn't going to get her an expensive gift this year. I could add this to what I already got her and it'd be a nice set. Would this be weird since I originally bought it for someone else though? What if my aunt decides that she does want it? I could also give it to my boyfriend's mom, who I think would like it too, although I already got her a gift. After thinking about it, I am 100% sure my mom wouldn't use it, and I got her a wonderful gift already anyway.

 

And after hearing my aunt talk like that, I'm thinking about taking back all the gifts I bought for almost everyone else in my family. The kids in my family are ungrateful and selfish. I bought a lego set for my 8 year old cousin last year and she hasn't played with it once. her older brother is greedy and all he wants is to eat his money. The adults aren't much better. My mom is the only one who is genuinely happy with whatever she gets. I was going to make personalized gift bags for each of the 23 people in my family and it would total about $100. Now I'm thinking about making bags for only 5 of them and returning some of the supplies so that I can save money. I am mid-twenties and while I make a good salary I need to save money too for things like my long-distance relationship and my apartment. i hate this mentality but my family has changed a lot since I was a kid and they are no longer close, giving, or loving. If it weren't for the fact that my bf really wants to meet the rest of my family this winter, I'd probably not even go home this year, instead I'd spend the holidays with his family, which is much more self-less and close.

 

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

[avintagegirl]

Give your aunt the gift. You made it out of love and respect and she should be gracious enough to accept it. Maybe give it to her privately?

 

As far as your grandma goes, yes get her something lovely as well as your Mom.

 

The way I see it my only responsibilities are to my Mom, my grandmother, brother and any co-workers I might exchange gifts with. I am not a fan of exchanging gifts with friends as it just creates stress and drama. Plus I don't need another "thing". I would much rather have time with them.

[CC12]

I think you should still try to give it to her. Give it a week and then ask her again if she's still planning to refuse gifts this year. It sounds like she was just having a moment, unless she's normally that difficult.

 

If she says she won't accept it, then give it to your grandmother. I think it's kind of petty to hold back a nice gift because you're annoyed with her. Why are you annoyed, anyway? It was generous of her to invite your boyfriend to stay at her house for two days. A week is a long time for many people.

 

And after hearing my aunt talk like that, I'm thinking about taking back all the gifts I bought for almost everyone else in my family.

 

Don't let your aunt's ****ty attitude rub off on you. You already bought the gifts and you did it in the spirit of giving. You can reevaluate next year whether you're going to buy gifts for everyone again.

[anika99]

I can see why you're annoyed with your aunt and her attitude. If she wanted to opt out of gift giving and receiving she should have told everyone a lot sooner than this. Many people do their Xmas shopping in October and November. However remember that Xmas is about giving. Just give her the gift because she's the one the gift was intended for and next year you can opt out of buying for her. Also don't let her attitude turn you into a petty person. Saying that your cousin's infant shouldn't get a gift from your aunt simply because you don't approve of your cousin, sounds mean spirited and petty.

[d0nnivain]

Ignore your aunt. Give her the gift. She can dispose of it anyway she likes. Don't adopt her Scrooge like attitude.

[OldRover]

Miss Trudy,

 

Agree with some of the others, just give it to her and don't expect anything back.

 

I could argue strongly to minimize Christmas/Birthday gifts, except for kids. Or just give something that is minimal in cost and do it just for the thought. So often people give gifts that are not appropriate, recipients don't like or are just too expensive.

 

With the exception of a SO, I quit giving gifts years ago. If I find something that I know someone would like during the years, I just get it for them then. A card or a Christmas letter is enough. Giving to 10 or 20 people, you're bound to give the wrong or inappropriate gift a lot.

 

However, Christmas is good for the country's economy... but generally not yours.

[whichwayisup]

Yep, give them their gift and just feel good about it. No strings.

[pteromom]

But then she tells me that if I am thinking about getting her and her husband christmas gifts, not to get them anything because she isn't buying gifts for anyone this year besides her parents and the four kids in our family that are under 18. She's saving for her retirement. It came off as kind of passive aggressive and I know she wasn't trying to be like that, but it hurt my feelings too.

 

This aunt is child-less and pretty well-off; so while I understand wanting to save for her retirement, spending $100-200 on her family isn't going to break her.

 

I don't think her comment was rude. You never know what is going on in someone's financial life. Just because they have nice things doesn't mean that they could be struggling behind the scenes. I do not see passive-agressive in her comment at all.

 

Two of the kids she's buying gifts for are the infant children of my younger, deadbeat cousin, and I feel like by buying gifts for those kids she's giving a gift to the unappreciative parent who only comes to family functions at the holidays, knowing gifts will be given to her children who are too young to even know what's going on. Those are my feelings, but I don't communicate any of this to her, because I know it's not worth arguing about.

 

No, it's not. And choosing to only buy for the children is a pretty common thing among families.

 

The issue, though, is that I can't return her gift because I made it. Further, I don't think any one else in my family would like it.

I told my aunt that i can't return it (my words: "Well I already bought you a christmas gift today...LOL! you should've texted me earlier ") and she snapped back "Well I am not married to my phone like some people..."

 

Again, I don't see this as a "snap" - just a fact. Of course, you know your aunt and how she says things, so maybe she was trying to be rude...but I don't see this comment on its own as rude.

 

Then I told her what I got, that I can't return it, and that maybe my mom or grandma would like it, but I don't know. And she says "OMG...that sounds like a wonderful gift!...sorry." I tell her that she can still have it if she wants and that I don't expect anything in return. No response.

 

I would give it to her. It sounds here like she felt a little ashamed knowing all the effort you put into her gift.

 

And after hearing my aunt talk like that, I'm thinking about taking back all the gifts I bought for almost everyone else in my family. The kids in my family are ungrateful and selfish. I bought a lego set for my 8 year old cousin last year and she hasn't played with it once. her older brother is greedy and all he wants is to eat his money. The adults aren't much better. My mom is the only one who is genuinely happy with whatever she gets.

 

You have to learn to give without expectations. Just give with love, and let go of what you hope happens. When you learn to do this, you will be much happier about giving gifts. Don't take back the gifts you have gotten for your family.

 

my family has changed a lot since I was a kid and they are no longer close, giving, or loving. If it weren't for the fact that my bf really wants to meet the rest of my family this winter, I'd probably not even go home this year, instead I'd spend the holidays with his family, which is much more self-less and close.

 

Don't make your trip home about gifts, or about the way others respond to their gifts. Just go with the goal of connection, and see what happens. Try not to judge what is going on with everyone else - just be accepting and loving.

 

A big difference between being a child and being an adult is that your relationship with your family requires much more giving than taking. I am not talking about gifts - you sound very generous and kind there. I am talking about giving of yourself to keep those bonds strong.

[MissTrudy]

thank you all for your comments and perspective. i was pretty worked up about it yesterday, and i still am a little upset to be honest. But the perspective you all offer is humbling and I am going to try and see the big picture.

 

I just feel like if she genuinely doesn't want gifts she should have told us about it in November when we all started Xmas shopping (and she knows we were shopping that early because I was on the phone with her while I was at a store shopping!) I confirmed with my mother that this is the first she has heard of the gift refusal plan my aunt has, and now that I think about it, a few weeks ago I was asking her some leading questions about what she likes, and she didn't say anything then, she just answered my questions. That's really weird to me.

 

It seems like she's trying to be the center of attention, which is kind of out of character for her to do something on this scale, but not inconceivable.You see, last year christmas eve was awkward because my other Aunt made a huge scene and didn't accept any of the gifts people bought her; my little 8 year old cousin even bought her some tea from a christmas bazaar our church has and she wouldn't take it! This poor kid brought a gift for her favorite aunt and not even her own mother knew that she spent her money on it, and then the recipient wouldn't take it. It was disgusting and that aunt hasn't lived it down. We all knew she was having financial issues and wasn't going to be able to buy gifts that year, but everyone still got her things because it isn't about the gifts. The way this Aunt was talking via text last night (and I know text is hard to read people through) she was planning on doing the same thing on christmas eve (refusing the gifts people buy) that the other Aunt did last year, or just not coming by altogether so that people wouldn't have a chance to give her the gifts they bought her. Both acts are so selfish and I wish I could just tell her that she's being selfish by refusing gifts people who love her prepared for her. I guess I'd feel differently if she actually told all of us NOT to buy gifts for her. My aunt who caused a scene last year told us not to get her anything this year (though whether people listen is another story). Her waiting until christmas seems calculated and petty. I almost feel sorry for her.

 

The bright side to this is that I have enough stuff left from her gift that I could make a second gift set for another relative and expose one of them to something they might like. I am going to do this. I probably wouldn't have done this if it weren't for my aunt driving me to do it by threatening not to take it. And if my aunt decides not to take her gift, I will wither regift it or use it myself.

[pteromom]

I just feel like if she genuinely doesn't want gifts she should have told us about it in November when we all started Xmas shopping (and she knows we were shopping that early because I was on the phone with her while I was at a store shopping!)

 

Who knows why she didn't tell you then, but here is something I can promise you... the sooner you learn the life lesson that you cannot expect people to share your feelings and opinions, and should let go of any need to control what they do, the happier you will be. Some people think and act completely irrationally, so you can't assume or predict what they will do. But you can ALWAYS control how you react to them, and how vulnerable you are with them. There are some people who despite your desire for them to be who you want them to be and love you the way you want to be loved, just won't or can't. You have the right to emotionally distance yourself from them and just accept them as they are with no judgment. You will be MUCH happier.

 

It seems like she's trying to be the center of attention, which is kind of out of character for her to do something on this scale, but not inconceivable.

 

Again - don't bother trying to analyze her when you only know what she is showing you. There could be a bunch of things happening behind the scenes that you don't know, that might completely explain her behavior.

 

All you have to do is react. Will you be happier giving the gift you made for her to her, with love and no expectations? Or would you be happier giving it to someone you know will gush over it? It's your choice. However - since you already told her what you made her, you run the risk of looking like the bad guy if you take the gift back from her.

 

(Another life lesson - always stop and think before opening your mouth. Don't give people more information than they need, so that you have options. If you hadn't told her what the gift was, you could have grabbed her a cheap box of chocolates and given your special gift to someone else.)

 

You see, last year christmas eve was awkward because my other Aunt made a huge scene and didn't accept any of the gifts people bought her;

 

A "huge scene" relies on the reactions of others. People can't make a huge scene on their own. Ignore and stay cool and collected.

 

my little 8 year old cousin even bought her some tea from a christmas bazaar our church has and she wouldn't take it! This poor kid brought a gift for her favorite aunt and not even her own mother knew that she spent her money on it, and then the recipient wouldn't take it.

 

An example of someone you want to emotionally distance yourself from. And a good example of having the option to control how you react. This aunt becomes a "smile and nod and talk about the weather" level person, and does not get admittance to your inner circle where her actions can hurt you.

The way this Aunt was talking via text last night (and I know text is hard to read people through) she was planning on doing the same thing on christmas eve (refusing the gifts people buy) that the other Aunt did last year, or just not coming by altogether so that people wouldn't have a chance to give her the gifts they bought her. Both acts are so selfish and I wish I could just tell her that she's being selfish by refusing gifts people who love her prepared for her.

 

Again - you don't know what is going on with her. Maybe she is having marital issues or financial issues or health issues or something else is going on which is making gift-buying hard for her. And maybe she is so ashamed, she hasn't brought it up. Maybe she is panicking about people getting her gifts and her not being able to reciprocate. Maybe she didn't tell you because she is embarrassed. You just don't know.

 

Be kind to her. And go with no expectations.

 

The bright side to this is that I have enough stuff left from her gift that I could make a second gift set for another relative and expose one of them to something they might like. I am going to do this. I probably wouldn't have done this if it weren't for my aunt driving me to do it by threatening not to take it. And if my aunt decides not to take her gift, I will wither regift it or use it myself.

 

Sounds like a good plan.

[turnera]

I may be wrong, but it sounded to me like maybe something was going on in your aunt's life, causing her to be negative and snappy. Maybe she's having marital problems and has to start worrying about how to support herself without her husband or some such.

[VeveCakes]

I think you are way too worried about gifts. Some people don't have family to spend Christmas with, like myself. Be thankful for having that, if you want to buy gifts buy them knowing you won't get them in return and that they may never get used. It's the thought that counts anyways.