How to Deal with this Friend

[winny]

Hi Friends,

 

I need your help.

I have a friend who has been messaging me a lot in past few days and sharing his problems with me. Initially I was listening to it all and trying to help. But now I am feeling bogged down by it and feeling suffocated myself. I still want to be able to help him but I am not sure why he is reaching out to me. I am not even that much of a close friend. I can't just tell him directly to not message me. Sometimes I feel whether he is actually having these problems or he likes my attention.

Please suggest what to do.

 

- winny

[TaraMaiden2]

Hi Winny... I have a suspicion....

 

Right, couple of questions.

 

Does he seek your input and advice?

If so, do you know whether he actively goes away and follows it?

 

If not, does he just vent and off-load?

Does he repeat himself regarding his problems? (That is, does he tell you about the same, old same-old he told you about the last time?)

[winny]

Hi Winny... I have a suspicion....

 

Right, couple of questions.

 

Does he seek your input and advice?

If so, do you know whether he actively goes away and follows it?

 

If not, does he just vent and off-load?

Does he repeat himself regarding his problems? (That is, does he tell you about the same, old same-old he told you about the last time?)

 

Since this has started in past few days so he doesn't really had the chance to follow what I said but yes its the same thing he tells me about... And the root cause of his problems is he himself is what I have understood now

[TaraMaiden2]

Right.

He's what is known as an emotional vampire.

An emotional vampire is drawn to a person for their energy and willingness to listen. The more you listen, the more they will drain your energy.

 

If every time he contacts you, you get that sinking feeling, that "ugh...." in the pit of your stomach, that drop of the shoulders in fatigued resignation - then he's having the desired effect.

He's drawing off your energy so that once you cease communication, he feels better, but you feel depleted.

 

But it doesn't last long, and he needs a top-up.

 

What kills a vampire?

 

(No, not a stake through the heart. That would be messy, and it prompts too many questions. From the Police, mainly.....)

 

Sunshine.

Sunshine kills them.

 

So, the way to 'kill' this particular vampire, is to counter his depressing calls with some 'sunshine' of your own...

 

I will illustrate:

 

Him: Moan, moan-moan, and then moan moan moan, then guess what? Yeah, moan moan moan....

 

You: Oh, gee, I'm so sorry to her that... hey, guess what? I got a pay rise today/tax rebate/check from my aunt! I'm so happy, I can get that pair of shoes I always wanted!

 

Him: Oh, cool, yeah, but....Moan, moan-moan, and then moan moan moan, then guess what? Yeah, moan moan moan....

 

You: Man, that sucks! Oh, I meant to tell you, my cousin is getting married soon, and she's asked me to be maid of Honour! I can't wait, I'm so excited....!

 

 

See what I mean?

They can't stand it.

This isn't about YOU - it's about them!! You can't have a LIFE! They're to busy draining it out of you!

 

The more you respond with jollity (make it up, whatever you want!) the less they'll feel inclined to expose themselves to your sunshine...

 

I promise you, it works.

Done it twice, to two separate vampires in my life, and they couldn't run fast enough!

[winny]

Right.

He's what is known as an emotional vampire.

An emotional vampire is drawn to a person for their energy and willingness to listen. The more you listen, the more they will drain your energy.

 

If every time he contacts you, you get that sinking feeling, that "ugh...." in the pit of your stomach, that drop of the shoulders in fatigued resignation - then he's having the desired effect.

He's drawing off your energy so that once you cease communication, he feels better, but you feel depleted.

 

But it doesn't last long, and he needs a top-up.

 

What kills a vampire?

 

(No, not a stake through the heart. That would be messy, and it prompts too many questions. From the Police, mainly.....)

 

Sunshine.

Sunshine kills them.

 

So, the way to 'kill' this particular vampire, is to counter his depressing calls with some 'sunshine' of your own...

 

I will illustrate:

 

Him: Moan, moan-moan, and then moan moan moan, then guess what? Yeah, moan moan moan....

 

You: Oh, gee, I'm so sorry to her that... hey, guess what? I got a pay rise today/tax rebate/check from my aunt! I'm so happy, I can get that pair of shoes I always wanted!

 

Him: Oh, cool, yeah, but....Moan, moan-moan, and then moan moan moan, then guess what? Yeah, moan moan moan....

 

You: Man, that sucks! Oh, I meant to tell you, my cousin is getting married soon, and she's asked me to be maid of Honour! I can't wait, I'm so excited....!

 

 

See what I mean?

They can't stand it.

This isn't about YOU - it's about them!! You can't have a LIFE! They're to busy draining it out of you!

 

The more you respond with jollity (make it up, whatever you want!) the less they'll feel inclined to expose themselves to your sunshine...

 

I promise you, it works.

Done it twice, to two separate vampires in my life, and they couldn't run fast enough!

 

Wow that sounds like some amazing advice !!! This is why I love the people in Loveshack. Yes I am gonna try this strategy if he again starts with his blah blah... LOL

Will let you know!! Thanks so much!!

[privategal]

A tiny bit of a different stance here though the emotional vampire thing could be accurate..it could be that he hasn't expressed vulnerable feelings often in friendships and is unaware how he is being perceived by you, so your compassion and willingness to listen has helped him to maybe think...see, I can be open with people and its ok to express my life isn't perfect and not fear judgement. He may have seen a softness in you and thought, you know, everytime I talk to X, she is always so nice, Id like to become better friends, she seems like someone I could open up to.

Regardless if my theory is right or the emotional vampire theory is right...maybe in this case, honesty is the best policy.

like, hey...that is really sad to hear, Im hoping if you talk to your other friends or family you can get some different perspectives, but as for me, I always think positivity is the best option and just knowing we all have troubles is comforting, and we all try and look on the bright side. ANyways x, I hope this will work out for you....I have so much work stuff going on, family in for the holidays and 3 projects due but I will be sending good vibes it all works out and if it takes me a few days to reply, please know its just I have a lot on my plate.

 

 

Ok, actually its not brutally honest, that type of reply, its more about kinda sending the message in a kind way that you need not be his only source of venting and also that maybe he could think more positively and realize too that you've got your own set of circumstances and your building in the option of not replying every time. Id still take it as a compliment if I were you but do set some boundaries.

[whichwayisup]

How serious are his issues?

 

I suggest taking the honest approach, tell him that you know he has a lot going on and you can only do so much, that you're a bit overwhelmed by it all and not sure what you can to help, other than listen and offer advice - And gently suggest to him that he seek counseling and how much it would help him to have someone better suited to help him cope and handle his stresses and problems in a healthy way. Brushing him off and changing the subject could be hurtful and make him feel like you don't care.

 

You're in a tough spot though, it isn't easy regardless to distance yourself from someone who is needy and complains a lot.

 

You also don't have to read his messages right away. Is this facebook or cell messages?

[winny]

How serious are his issues?

 

I suggest taking the honest approach, tell him that you know he has a lot going on and you can only do so much, that you're a bit overwhelmed by it all and not sure what you can to help, other than listen and offer advice - And gently suggest to him that he seek counseling and how much it would help him to have someone better suited to help him cope and handle his stresses and problems in a healthy way. Brushing him off and changing the subject could be hurtful and make him feel like you don't care.

 

You're in a tough spot though, it isn't easy regardless to distance yourself from someone who is needy and complains a lot.

 

You also don't have to read his messages right away. Is this facebook or cell messages?

 

His issues are pretty serious. His wedding is in few days and he initially reached out to me saying he is having anxiety attacks. I thought its pre wedding jitters and tried to calm him down. I was very nice and friendly coz thats how I am. But he has been messaging me every now and then saying the anxiety is not going away. I asked him did he speak to his fiance and other close friends and he said yes but it still keeps coming back. When I tried to dig deeper what I understood is that he is ready to get married and will go ahead with it but is scared that he himself may mess it up later (he didnt clarify how but I got a vibe that he has some faithfulness and monogamy issues). And my gut feeling told me that whatever I say... its not really going to help him becoz he is not working on his issues even though he is aware what they are. Instead he just wants sympathy. That's why I got a feeling that he just likes my attention.

He texts me.

[winny]

A tiny bit of a different stance here though the emotional vampire thing could be accurate..it could be that he hasn't expressed vulnerable feelings often in friendships and is unaware how he is being perceived by you, so your compassion and willingness to listen has helped him to maybe think...see, I can be open with people and its ok to express my life isn't perfect and not fear judgement. He may have seen a softness in you and thought, you know, everytime I talk to X, she is always so nice, Id like to become better friends, she seems like someone I could open up to.

Regardless if my theory is right or the emotional vampire theory is right...maybe in this case, honesty is the best policy.

like, hey...that is really sad to hear, Im hoping if you talk to your other friends or family you can get some different perspectives, but as for me, I always think positivity is the best option and just knowing we all have troubles is comforting, and we all try and look on the bright side. ANyways x, I hope this will work out for you....I have so much work stuff going on, family in for the holidays and 3 projects due but I will be sending good vibes it all works out and if it takes me a few days to reply, please know its just I have a lot on my plate.

 

 

Ok, actually its not brutally honest, that type of reply, its more about kinda sending the message in a kind way that you need not be his only source of venting and also that maybe he could think more positively and realize too that you've got your own set of circumstances and your building in the option of not replying every time. Id still take it as a compliment if I were you but do set some boundaries.

 

Thanks for your response and it is a nice way actually without being too blunt. I have put some more details in response to another post here. Please have a look. I am not completely sure what it is.... yes listening to his issues on n on are making me feel depressed myself... so he is draining away my positive energy but whether he is doing it intentionally or not... I dont know!

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks for your response and it is a nice way actually without being too blunt. I have put some more details in response to another post here. Please have a look. I am not completely sure what it is.... yes listening to his issues on n on are making me feel depressed myself... so he is draining away my positive energy but whether he is doing it intentionally or not... I dont know!

No, it's never consciously intentional.

But there's a form of personal denial going on - just as you perceive he has some undisclosed issues (which you suspect are to do with fidelity and monogamy) that he seems blithely incapable of actually addressing, so an Emotional Vampire will continue their behaviour believing it to be totally reasonable and justifiable. There's a certain sense of entitlement. as I stated in my post, it doesn't matter that you offer a solution or look on the bright side - this is about them, not you, and so, they remain stuck, because they are so wrapped in their problem, that any solution falls on deaf ears and is unthinkable as a strategy.

 

Hence my previous post.

I know it sounds harsh but could I just add that I tolerated the behaviour of my first EV for around 9 months - and it bored into my personal and family life; my H and I were thinking,m eating and sleeping her problems; she invaded our lives to such an extent that all we did was revolve everything around her.

Crazy as it was, we had no idea what to do or how to handle it, because we'd never come across it before. It was so long ago, I don't think that the term EV had even been thought of, or coined...

Until one day, the straw that broke the camel's back... I'm not going to go into details, but she over-stepped the line, by writing all her tear-jerking woes in the birthday card of my 6-year-old daughter - and I'd had enough.

I wrote back. And I wrote back one of the most cheerful, jolly, positive, up-beat letters I ever wrote (all contents absolutely true) and - I never heard from her again. And we'd known her 7 years....

 

When the second incident arose, it became quite clear, relatively quickly that we had yet another EV on our hands - and dealing with that one was far more swift.... in the same way - and just as effective.

 

It's heart-wrenching to deal with an EV.

Part of you feels like a heel, because to be so...'cruel' goes against the grain - but on the other hand, it's deeply satisfying, because it works.

I mean, for god's sake, they're adults! There are professional means at their disposal for counselling, therapy and support, and we're not it.

at some point, we have to consider our own position, sanity, mental well-being and emotional health because please believe me, I know - unhindered they can unwittingly tear you apart.

Edited December 7, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[winny]

I mean, for god's sake, they're adults! There are professional means at their disposal for counselling, therapy and support, and we're not it.

at some point, we have to consider our own position, sanity, mental well-being and emotional health because please believe me, I know - unhindered they can unwittingly tear you apart.

 

Yes exactly. When I talked to him I realized that he himself knows what the problem is. And he is pretty smart as an individual to deal with it on his own or reach out to his family n friends or take professional help. Maybe they are fed up of listening to him all the time so he found me...

[preraph]

It sounds to me like it's possible he has a crush on you and is hoping you'll "save" him from getting married and that that will mean you want him. I'm blunt. By now I'd have said "Don't you think this is too much communication with a woman who's not your fiancee this close to the wedding??"

[Myragal]

My observation of some people. If all of their problems, issues, crisis, etc. were instantly solved today....they would find a new set next week and the drama continues.

 

The particulars don't matter.

 

We know who real friends are who have real problems. We should be there for them...but not there for those who are seeking attention, validation, etc.

 

I don't lend my ear to drama. Simple. Don't answer the phone. Very simple. But...drama lovers are often on both ends.

[Standard-Fare]

I'd definitely make a point of NOT being responsive each and every time he reaches out. Take your time getting back to him sometimes, and leave some of his texts or other cries for help dangling. He needs to see that you're available only to a degree. You're not able to play the role of his emotional rock.

 

It will be interesting to see if his venting continues with this same force AFTER the wedding.

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes exactly. When I talked to him I realized that he himself knows what the problem is. And he is pretty smart as an individual to deal with it on his own or reach out to his family n friends or take professional help. Maybe they are fed up of listening to him all the time so he found me...

They do.

If they can't off-load onto you - they DO look for someone else.

 

In my first example of an EV, I don't know who she found, but in the second - the parents copped the lot. They lived abroad, and she actually went to stay with them, sponged off them ate them out of house and home, brought different guys into their house uninvited and unannounced, drank their booze and smoked their cigarettes.

 

Because she could.

Her mother desperately reached out to me, incapable of handling it, not knowing what to do.

I suggested, sadly, that as their daughter ws in her late 30's their only choice was to treat her like an adult lodger and evict her.

I think that's what they ended up doing, but I don't know what happened after that.

 

When you succeed in shaking this guy, he WILL try to find someone else.

They need that input. But that is not your problem.

[winny]

It sounds to me like it's possible he has a crush on you and is hoping you'll "save" him from getting married and that that will mean you want him. I'm blunt. By now I'd have said "Don't you think this is too much communication with a woman who's not your fiancee this close to the wedding??"

 

This did come to my mind... and I indirectly asked him also.. isnt he talking to his fiance... and whether he loves her... and he said yes he is talking to her and he feels good for some time and then the anxiety returns and that he does love her and will get married to her... what he is worried about is what will happen after they get married... will he end messing it up.. when i asked.. mess up how... he didnt say anything...

whatever little bit i know about him... he is bit of a player and has had many casual relationships while still being with his current fiance and recently he made a statement how I am the only gal who never fell for him... all other female friends of his had fallen for him at some point of time or other...

[winny]

I'd definitely make a point of NOT being responsive each and every time he reaches out. Take your time getting back to him sometimes, and leave some of his texts or other cries for help dangling. He needs to see that you're available only to a degree. You're not able to play the role of his emotional rock.

 

It will be interesting to see if his venting continues with this same force AFTER the wedding.

 

I did this now... I didnt respond to his last message where he said he has such anxiety attacks since his childhood... I really dont wanna start hearing stories starting from his childhood... Hahaha

[privategal]

This did come to my mind... and I indirectly asked him also.. isnt he talking to his fiance... and whether he loves her... and he said yes he is talking to her and he feels good for some time and then the anxiety returns and that he does love her and will get married to her... what he is worried about is what will happen after they get married... will he end messing it up.. when i asked.. mess up how... he didnt say anything...

whatever little bit i know about him... he is bit of a player and has had many casual relationships while still being with his current fiance and recently he made a statement how I am the only gal who never fell for him... all other female friends of his had fallen for him at some point of time or other...

 

Now my friend..ooohh... I think you see this, I see it SO clearly...he is grooming you....You are a challenge, you never stroked his ego, he has cold feet and already feeling tied down and married but thought you would maybe give him a last minute ego stroke if he threw you a sob story to get an emotional connection by bonding over his soft side...the side where he shows you his "vulnerable" side.

The next phase would be...now that Im married, I just need a friend. My wife doesn't understand my anxiety and I cant confide in her...he gets closer, you play the helping friend who is the only one that gets him....on we go.

Wow, this guy is GOOD....I almost bought it. Your gut feelings were so on point, kudos. SO glad u picked up that you weren't even close enough to have such in depth and sudden volume of texts. I imagine he has a couple of girls he texts this way. Id ghost him COMPLETELY, this guys manipulative and every single action of his is calculated.

[winny]

Now my friend..ooohh... I think you see this, I see it SO clearly...he is grooming you....You are a challenge, you never stroked his ego, he has cold feet and already feeling tied down and married but thought you would maybe give him a last minute ego stroke if he threw you a sob story to get an emotional connection by bonding over his soft side...the side where he shows you his "vulnerable" side.

The next phase would be...now that Im married, I just need a friend. My wife doesn't understand my anxiety and I cant confide in her...he gets closer, you play the helping friend who is the only one that gets him....on we go.

Wow, this guy is GOOD....I almost bought it. Your gut feelings were so on point, kudos. SO glad u picked up that you weren't even close enough to have such in depth and sudden volume of texts. I imagine he has a couple of girls he texts this way. Id ghost him COMPLETELY, this guys manipulative and every single action of his is calculated.

 

Yeah this is very much of a possibility based on what I know about him. I think he has sufficient people in his life to help him... he would be perfectly fine without me. I have decided to vanish for a few days from answering any messages from him and see what happens.

 

I will keep you guys updated.

 

FYI - In between these conversations he would also say - oh such a hot gal passed by me now. And I would be thinking .. what??!!! how is he getting distracted by a hot gal when he is supposedly so much tensed...

Edited December 7, 2015 by winny

[privategal]

Yeah this is very much of a possibility based on what I know about him. I think he has sufficient people in his life to help him... he would be perfectly fine without me. I have decided to vanish for a few days from answering any messages from him and see what happens.

 

I will keep you guys updated.

 

FYI - In between these conversations he would also say - oh such a hot gal passed by me now. And I would be thinking .. what??!!! how is he getting distracted by a hot gal when he is supposedly so much tensed...

 

DO yourself a favor and block him and never look back. Are you invited to the wedding? No. Did you mail him and his family a Christmas Card? NO.

Hes bomarding you with emails while friends, family are flying in for his holiday wedding and he similiarly dropped all his stress (FAKE STRESS) on you while simultaneously talking about hot chicks?

You said you were never good friends. He likely texts so many chicks he either wont notice your non reply or will notice and whine, but its no matter, why get closer now or allow any of his $#it in your life. Id disappear permanently if it were me. He has NOTHING to offer you.

[winny]

He likely texts so many chicks he either wont notice your non reply or will notice and whine, but its no matter, why get closer now or allow any of his $#it in your life. Id disappear permanently if it were me. He has NOTHING to offer you.

 

Hahaha

Yeah I know he must have few other girls to respond to his texts...

Thanks for your comments.. !

[whichwayisup]

He needs counseling to work on his anxiety, even be on meds, and most of all, he has to talk to his future wife and include her in what's going on. He shouldn't be texting you so much with this stuff, actually I find it totally inappropriate that he's leaning on you and not his wife or a guy friend. Makes me wonder, does he have feelings for you?!!

[winny]

He needs counseling to work on his anxiety, even be on meds, and most of all, he has to talk to his future wife and include her in what's going on. He shouldn't be texting you so much with this stuff, actually I find it totally inappropriate that he's leaning on you and not his wife or a guy friend. Makes me wonder, does he have feelings for you?!!

Thanks for your response.

Who knows... He is a very complicated person n I never really understood him completely. But I doubt he is texting only me with his woes. I know for sure though he is a player, manipulative n into mind games. I don't know his wife or his equation with her. He told me he loves her a lot. This marriage is like a sham... I have never seen such an unenthusiastic groom. In fact he had asked us (me n couple of friends) never to bring up the topic of his marriage when we spoke. And this messaging started from the day he took flight to travel to the wedding destination.

 

Right now I am just avoiding any communication with him.

Edited December 8, 2015 by winny

[whichwayisup]

You don't know his fiance? This says it all. Any guy who has women friends and about to get married should at least know his future bride. He's hidden you, and probably others too.

 

He probably is freaking out because he knows he cannot live up to his vows and stay faithful since you say he's a player and cheated throughout their relationship.

 

He's using you, so tell him to talk to his fiance and get counseling, to talk to a guy friend and that you have stuff going on in your life (Does he ever ask about you and your life or is it all about him always?).

[winny]

You don't know his fiance? This says it all. Any guy who has women friends and about to get married should at least know his future bride. He's hidden you, and probably others too.

 

He probably is freaking out because he knows he cannot live up to his vows and stay faithful since you say he's a player and cheated throughout their relationship.

 

He's using you, so tell him to talk to his fiance and get counseling, to talk to a guy friend and that you have stuff going on in your life (Does he ever ask about you and your life or is it all about him always?).

 

He has been a good friend to me in the sense that when I needed help few times he was there. That's why I responded when he reached out to me telling about his anxiety attacks. As I said above right now I am just avoiding him... He has sent me many messages in past 24 hrs... Mostly pics of where he has been. And asking me where I am. Yes he takes interest in my life n family n job just like other friends. I am not exactly hidden coz we post our pics n check ins on Facebook... And his fiance likes them. So she knows I am a friend but we never met or spoke coz she lives in a diff country n will be going back after the wedding which seems odd to me. And I became friends with this guy in last 6 months.