why are women so freaking emotional

[Michelle ma Belle]

So basically, her recent episodes or bitchyness are still due to EA and I am still taking my medicine.. I don't want to leave her, I love her.

 

The likelihood is a HELL YA!

 

Women don't get over "teeny tiny EA" even if they say they're over it. The E in EA should have been your first clue.

[Samhain]

One thing I do know about women who you have deeply hurt at some point (And it isn't much by all accounts) is that "back and fourth and up and down" is pretty normal. Some days are better than others, some days things are dwelled upon more than others, and some days it's like everything's totally fine and nothing ever happened'.

 

It's all part of the moving on process. I think in men it can be the same too where we can have days where we dwell on things that can change our mood.

 

Also during those days one wrong word and boy, are you in for a frosty night.

[nucking_futs]

The likelihood is a HELL YA!

 

Women don't get over "teeny tiny EA" even if they say they're over it. The E in EA should have been your first clue.

 

 

So the questions like " do you still want to f**k her?" and going to last awhile all

 

For instance, she will wake up one morning bitchy.... I return the behavior as , if you are going to bitch, I am going to clam up until she is done.

 

Later that day maybe next day, she brings up EA , it had nothing to do with what her first complaint was. I feel she is using this over and over

[Samhain]

Most likely using other frustrations to let off some steam because she has been thinking about the EA and is probably as sick of mentioning it as you are of hearing about it.

[nucking_futs]

One thing I do know about women who you have deeply hurt at some point (And it isn't much by all accounts) is that "back and fourth and up and down" is pretty normal. Some days are better than others, some days things are dwelled upon more than others, and some days it's like everything's totally fine and nothing ever happened'.

 

It's all part of the moving on process. I think in men it can be the same too where we can have days where we dwell on things that can change our mood.

 

Also during those days one wrong word and boy, are you in for a frosty night.

 

frosty week !.... oddly what works the best is for me to say things that sound corny to me, I love you , I never loved her, I'm stupid, I was not thinking,

[Michelle ma Belle]

So the questions like " do you still want to f**k her?" and going to last awhile all

 

For instance, she will wake up one morning bitchy.... I return the behavior as , if you are going to bitch, I am going to clam up until she is done.

 

Later that day maybe next day, she brings up EA , it had nothing to do with what her first complaint was. I feel she is using this over and over

 

Listen, women are a pain in the a**. I get it. I AM one. We are emotional at the best of times but when you f*ck us over? Yeah, you're going to pay the ultimate price over and over and over again until we feel you've been adequately punished for the hell and humiliation you put us through. That's how it works.

 

I'm not saying it's right or there isn't a better more productive way to go about dealing with her anger and resentment and fear but it is what it is. YOU f*cked up! And the kicker is that you did f*cked up with her FRIEND no less!! That's unforgivable in my books and cause for extraction immediately. The fact that she's keeping you around is a miracle.

 

Perhaps it's time to go back to couple's therapy. Or maybe you both need individual counselling to deal with each of your own personal issues. She obviously doesn't trust you and that ain't gonna come easy unfortunately.

[Samhain]

frosty week !.... oddly what works the best is for me to say things that sound corny to me, I love you , I never loved her, I'm stupid, I was not thinking,

 

Yeah! "I love you" corny to us, but to women they need that especially after we've hurt or upset her because she wants to feel "safe" and "secure". And the "I'm stupid" is well, her wanting to take a punch at you, and yeah, you got to let her.

[nucking_futs]

Listen, women are a pain in the a**. I get it. I AM one. We are emotional at the best of times but when you f*ck us over? Yeah, you're going to pay the ultimate price over and over and over again until we feel you've been adequately punished for the hell and humiliation you put us through. That's how it works.

 

I'm not saying it's right or there isn't a better more productive way to go about dealing with her anger and resentment and fear but it is what it is. YOU f*cked up! And the kicker is that you did f*cked up with her FRIEND no less!! That's unforgivable in my books and cause for extraction immediately. The fact that she's keeping you around is a miracle.

 

Perhaps it's time to go back to couple's therapy. Or maybe you both need individual counselling to deal with each of your own personal issues. She obviously doesn't trust you and that ain't gonna come easy unfortunately.

 

 

thanks for the encouragement....

 

friend had a part too..... don't forget... friend even started the whole thing.

 

So when I get home tonight, I will know in the first 30 seconds... I will be able to feel the temp in the room.... if I get the "f*ck you" look I might just tread lightly....

 

also if she does not feel really attractive, say you know that bloaty time, will I'm glad she has not stabbed me in my sleep.

 

 

I know why she is doing this, it's because I told her I was really not feeling the Christmas shopping this year.... so it looks like I AM feeling the Christmas shopping this year... it did not help that her friend is 31 never had a kid and she's 43 had 4 kids.... she looks great thought

 

She checks the phone records monthly and wont let me see her phone... MAYBE she's up to something?>

Edited December 7, 2015 by nucking_futs

[MightyPen]

also if she does not feel really attractive, say you know that bloaty time, will I'm glad she has not stabbed me in my sleep.

 

 

Is it wrong that this made me laugh out loud?

 

 

I think the term "bloaty time" should be copyrighted immediately.

 

 

Anyways, seriously, yes you dug your own hole. But yes, she is going to have to (soon) figure out whether or not she can get past it.

 

 

Personally speaking, I'm not sure any marriage is worth years of b*tching and sn*ping and the like.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously, I thought wife and i were over the EA.... I know it takes time, I know I was wrong, I take full responsibility.... but every day is not going to be paradise . Even though in the last 6 months it has been great...

 

It seems that she is upset again , the anniversary or the EA being a year has exploded her feelings again... or maybe it's that when she does not get what she wants , when she wants it, she brings this up again, over and over...

 

or could it be that since OW and her are on the outs now, she is wondering if OW will contact me?

 

THis is what I mean, why not just say what it is that's bothering you, instead of the man trying to figure it out and by the way, she might be fine in a week... it's very strange.

 

It's definitely hard to overcome any kind of adultery.

 

The holidays in particular are very triggering to me.

 

My husband got a sexsearch account seven years ago at Christmas.

 

He has never fully disclosed everything to me (to my knowledge) although him and I are both in counseling, and we are in marital counseling together, so it is coming.

 

Without having actually DEALT with a full disclosure and all of the BS he put us through in between, I pretty much HATE Christmas. It just reminds me "oh hey, your husband just thinks you must be a total loser, that's why he goes on sexsearch."

 

His behaviour over the last long while has been actually really great to me, but with that sword hanging over everything, it does come up.

 

And frankly at a year out, I was bitterly pissed at my ridiculous, minimizing husband who was just flipping out with such fun phrases as "get over it or leave!"

 

Well, I wasn't ready for either, but his pushing was pushing me very far out, much more than he anticipated. I threw him out for awhile.

 

We would do things like have a picnic in the park, I would see a beautiful (or even average, or even some hag with her cleavage hanging out) woman walk by and I would think: "oh yeah, he would much rather chase that piece of ass than me." Years to move past that, absolute years.

 

And as long as you are trying to make it "teensy" YOU ARE JUST MAKING IT THAT MUCH WORSE.

 

So, she "bitches" at you. Waaaah.

 

You betrayed her with her friend. Maybe you should have just "bitched at her" instead. It would have hurt a lot worse.

 

And by the way. I got told that a lot by my husband too. About the "bitching."

 

Guess how wonderful he looked to me, even days and weeks later.

 

I swear if we didn't have a brand new kid, I would've just turfed his ass at the time. He knows this. I have no problem saying it.

[SJS]

I feel sorry for your wife. You bitched about her to your OW (her BF!!!). You bitch about her here. Instead of YOU being over dramatic and complaining to us about your wife not being totally over YOUR teenie weenie affair, do something about it. Make it right, go to counseling again, something. Stop bitching and be proactive.

[Michelle ma Belle]

thanks for the encouragement....

 

friend had a part too..... don't forget... friend even started the whole thing.

 

So when I get home tonight, I will know in the first 30 seconds... I will be able to feel the temp in the room.... if I get the "f*ck you" look I might just tread lightly....

 

also if she does not feel really attractive, say you know that bloaty time, will I'm glad she has not stabbed me in my sleep.

 

 

I know why she is doing this, it's because I told her I was really not feeling the Christmas shopping this year.... so it looks like I AM feeling the Christmas shopping this year... it did not help that her friend is 31 never had a kid and she's 43 had 4 kids.... she looks great thought

 

She checks the phone records monthly and wont let me see her phone... MAYBE she's up to something?>

 

First, don't sit there and play the blame game. I don't care who started it, you played along and that makes you 100% guilty. Period.

 

Second, Christmas time can feel like a farce if you've been put through the ringer. It only proves to be a reminder of what once was, happier times that have now been tainted.

 

Third, if you loved your wife, why did you engage in an EA and with her FRIEND of all people? Seems like we're missing part of the story.

 

Fourth, she's checking the phone records because (again) she doesn't trust you. As for her not letting you see her phone, so what? Why do you suddenly care if she's up to something?

 

As much as I may understand her reasons for being miserable and punchy I will say that at some point she's going to need that sh*t go if your marriage has a chance of surviving the long haul. I agree with MP that no one wants to continue in a marriage for years and years where they're continually made to pay for the sins of the past (provided they aren't repeated of course).

 

That's the part she's responsible for which is why I think counselling shouldn't be off the table just yet.

[sandylee1]

NF

 

You had an EA with your wife's best friend and wanted to have sex with her.. except she refused... perhaps the dday anniversary triggered her.

 

Ever wondered how you'd feel if she had an EA with your best friend? .... assuming you have one.

 

Perhaps if you read about the trauma and triggers a BW goes through on the Dday anniversary.. you might have some compassion.

 

Not all women are the same.. just like not all men have affairs with their wife's BFF.

[BlueIris]

What is a teenie tiny EA?

 

Do you think that might be part of the problem? :roll eyes:

 

Ever since I read that, I keep thinking... the quantification of affair size. Hm. How to weigh and measure the size of an affair? Is there such a thing as a gigantic affair, an average size affair? How many teenie tinies make up a gigantic- like ounces in a gallon? Hm...

[mrldii]

I don't understand why some women like the drama of arguing, and bitching about nothing really. Why can they no be content with what they have.... it seems they all want the fairy tale , well news flash it does not exists... men are not perfect...

I told my wife , look..... if you are bitchy then no I will not help you... if you are nice then yes I will help you.

 

Are they so fragile they cannot accept criticism? Any little thing will hurt their feelings... the world is a tough place.... it is for women and for men... I told my sons don't ever get married in today's world it's just not worth it.

 

Oh, the irony...

 

 

...of this whole emotional post, listing all the ways in which she is not perfect,

 

 

but should be.

[sandylee1]

I'm sorry but you are minimising your A. It's like people here who say I has a really short affair with a MM and then.....xyz. Nonsense.

 

It wasn't everyday stuff you talked about if you wanted to have sex with the OW. How do you think it feels for your wife to hear the OW saying "I could have slept with your H. He wanted to but I refused"

 

Just turn that around ... to your friend saying " I could have screwed your wife.... she was well up for it". It's humiliating....... The fact that it was just a 'teeny tiny EA'... was not down to you. Left to you it would have been more but you got knocked back.

 

I just don't understand why your wife still befriends her. Keeping the enemy close I suspect.

 

And what kind of love has you slagging off your wife to her friend.... would you feel loved if she did the same? You really need a massive dose of empathy. As long as you have that get over it attitude .. your not remorseful... because you don't get it. This is a double betrayal.

 

Go and have a read of the double betrayal thread on survivinginfidelity.com ....perhaps some reality will hit home... even though this was not a PA.

[nucking_futs]

First of all I am not proud of what I did. I would take it back in a second if I could ... I think when she has the triggers I just need to realize that this is the time she needs reassurance the most, even if she is cussing me, hating me, wants to leave me...

 

I vent her instead of arguing with her. I will not take the get over attitude.. and I am going to try my best to make this Christmas really nice for her.

 

If she is accepting great , if not , well I guess I will have to wait a little longer...

 

I would feel bad if she did this to me.... I would be jealous, I would be untrusting... but if she told me and showed me for over a year that she was wrong, and she was sorry, at some point I would have to try and move on

 

I know you do not know her, but what can I do that would really help? What would you want your **** bag husband to do?

 

BTW I never have done this before... and there is a lot to the story, she was giving OW way too much info on our marriage. not blaming wife for what I did, but she did some stupid things telling OW too much

Edited December 8, 2015 by nucking_futs

[Samhain]

Start by being REALLY enthusiastic about the Christmas shopping and holiday altogether as it sounds like this time of year is a trigger for her. Your attitude toward her at this time is important to her.

 

Even if you hate Christmas shopping (as I do) grinning and bearing it sounds like it could really help her. Take her mind off of things.

[sandylee1]

What would I want if I was reconciling with my H. ....... I think a written heartfelt letter including the following :

 

- how special she is to you.

- how beautiful she is inside and out

- How proud you are that she is the mother of your children

- how you regret taking her for granted

- how you foolidhly didn't think about the fact that you could have lost her, as a result of your affair and the thought of that will

always be with you

- How you are so very sorry for the pain you caused her, for your selfish actions

- how you feel deeply ashamed that your boundaries were so poor

as not only to betray her, but to do so with her BFF ...causing a

double betrayal

- How you will NEVER EVER betray her by having an affair again

 

Also state that as well as being so very sorry that you, her husband have caused her hurt and caused her to have triggers ..... when you should have had her back and been there no matter what.

 

I think some demonstration that you have dug deep to gain an insight into her pain would be useful. How you have tried to put yourself in her shoes... and describe what that feels like.

 

Underneath it all.. express how you want to be the person she confides in, even if she thinks it will be hard for you to hear.

..because the TWO of you being happy and united ... will not only be a strong couple, but also an example to your children of what a healthy relationship looks like.

 

Thank her for being so good in giving you a second chance.

 

As you can tell .... reconciling with someone like me would be a tall order and I'd expect a hell of a lot... but only write what you truly mean and if you feel more comfortable saying it... then take her out to dinner and do so.

 

I must say that your wife keeping this woman as a friend still beats me, even if she does want to keep an eye on her and I agree that your wife told her wwwaaayyyy too much about the two of you. Women all over the world should be very careful about doing this.

[nucking_futs]

thank you sandylee1 I will do these things.... and let you know what happens

 

 

I messed up.... I liked the attention...

 

sometimes I cannot be around her because I can see the disappointment in her face.

[sandylee1]

thank you sandylee1 I will do these things.... and let you know what happens

 

 

I messed up.... I liked the attention...

 

sometimes I cannot be around her because I can see the disappointment in her face.

 

Your welcome NF.

 

We all like attention though... it's human nature, but it's knowing when to shut it down. If a guy complements me..it's nice... if he starts getting too close... I back off.. I drop in the fact that I'm married ... just so he knows I'm not game. No matter how great it may feel.... and yes having a man other than my H complement me is lovely.. but lapping it up would only be the route to a slippery slope.

 

Good luck and only say or write what you feel comfortable with.... and that comes from your heart.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your welcome NF.

 

We all like attention though... it's human nature, but it's knowing when to shut it down. If a guy complements me..it's nice... if he starts getting too close... I back off.. I drop in the fact that I'm married ... just so he knows I'm not game. No matter how great it may feel.... and yes having a man other than my H complement me is lovely.. but lapping it up would only be the route to a slippery slope.

 

Good luck and only say or write what you feel comfortable with.... and that comes from your heart.

 

Ugh. I find saying "I'm married" never works when trying to ditch a guy that makes obvious what they want.

 

You have to pretty much say, "I'm not the least bit interested."

[sandylee1]

Ugh. I find saying "I'm married" never works when trying to ditch a guy that makes obvious what they want.

 

You have to pretty much say, "I'm not the least bit interested."

 

That's true . I did that once and the guy asked me if he was that bad and did he resemble a monkey..... I felt really bad ... so now I try to be gentle.