Why am I surprised Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I have had an affair for almost 13 months now. For the first 6 months it was intense. We talked every day, saw each other twice a week. He told me everything and I was there to help him through his nephews death. I actually left my marriage, not under the guise of being with my AP but for other reasons. However, MM convinced me to move to his area 5 months in so I did. Now to Saturday night. He and I are both really sexual, I was very open to a soft swapping kind of swingers deal. He told me 'Text XXXX here is her number, she'd be a good fit for us". I said, well who is this person and he said she was the only woman he met and it was before me, that they had never had sex. So being curious I texted. She responded the next day. My illusion of the affair was shattered. He met her when he met me. He emailed her constantly, begging for hookups. They met up 4-6 times, he had her at his home, performed oral sex on her, the last time he saw her was 6 months into our affair. She explicitly said she was there to help him through his nephews death. That it was a really intimate time for them sharing that. Why do I hurt like this? I knew he was cheating on his wife with me so why am I surprised I wasn't the only one? I don't think if I would be ok knowing it was just sexual stuff but him constantly begging to see her and the fact he shared those secrets and feelings with her, giving her the same sad sob story and telling him he needed her to deal with that time in his life... I just feel so broken. I don't get why he wanted anyone else. I'm so sexual, so sexual and I am beautiful. I accommodated every request he had, I dropped everything to be with him whenever he requested. I just don't get it. I don't get why I wasn't enough. Why our affair wasn't enough for him. I'm such an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I'm such an idiot. Well, now you know... Sorry you had to learn this way, but better now than four or five years or now while you are still waiting for him to leave his wife?!?! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Samhain Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I wouldn't say you were an idiot, but there was an element of naivety. Especially when he brought yet another woman into it. Should have pretty much told you it was only sex for him and fulfilling his "fantasies". It was either hurt now or hurt later, at least now you have the opportunity to begin the healing process and you don't have to "look forward" to that turmoil when you're even more emotionally invested. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Makes you wonder if there even was a nephew who died. Doesn't matter how sexual and beautiful you are as this man desires attention and sex from many women. Why wasn't the other OW enough? Why wasn't his wife enough? Because he likes variety I guess. Doesn't matter how sexual you are, you can't be more than 1 woman. Why do you think it was okay for him to cheat on his wife with you but not cheat on her with a few women? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 End it! This affair now is damaging to you and you're taking it very personally. You cheated on your husband, good that you left, but you still had an A behind his back - No different than this MM cheating on his wife, only difference is he has multiple OW not just one aka you. He likes variety obviously and loves to enjoy different aspects of sex with no strings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Why am I surprised Posted December 8, 2015 Author Share Posted December 8, 2015 Makes you wonder if there even was a nephew who died. Doesn't matter how sexual and beautiful you are as this man desires attention and sex from many women. Why wasn't the other OW enough? Why wasn't his wife enough? Because he likes variety I guess. Doesn't matter how sexual you are, you can't be more than 1 woman. Why do you think it was okay for him to cheat on his wife with you but not cheat on her with a few women? That is such a good question. I thought he was with me more for the companionship and the dedication/loyalty I showed him. Not to mention the lack of sexual limits. I don't know why I'm surprised and I don't know why it hurts this much finding out. I always wondered deep down if there were more, I did. What do I do now? He's been silent since this girl texted me. If he makes contact do I admit I know and tell him some of the things this girl told me? Or do I just tell him it's over, no explanation? Our story is a little more complicated, there are details I'm leaving out but I guess this situation is the only thing I want to focus on right now. I'll still be living in his town for another 5 months and letting him go sounds so awful. I mean, what Is wrong With me if I accept his lack of disloyalty to me and continue to see him? And I realize how messed up that sounds, he was disloyal to his wife being with me so why did I expect him to not 'dog' me too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Why am I surprised Posted December 8, 2015 Author Share Posted December 8, 2015 End it! This affair now is damaging to you and you're taking it very personally. You cheated on your husband, good that you left, but you still had an A behind his back - No different than this MM cheating on his wife, only difference is he has multiple OW not just one aka you. He likes variety obviously and loves to enjoy different aspects of sex with no strings. I filed for divorce from my husband 8/2015 after finding out he cheated 7/2014 and moved out of our house on 11/2014 to live with another woman. I didn't get involved with my MM til 12/2014. We're still married as divorce isn't finalized. There was no affair behind his back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Yes it is!!! Because it seems you were under the impression that someday he'd probably leave his wife and be with you - Now you find out he has OOW. You stay with him you'll be settling, be second fiddle and lose 'you' and your self esteem along the way. I hope you find the courage and strength to end it and walk away, move back to your home City. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Our story is a little more complicated, there are details I'm leaving out but I guess this situation is the only thing I want to focus on right now. I'll still be living in his town for another 5 months and letting him go sounds so awful. I mean, what Is wrong With me if I accept his lack of disloyalty to me and continue to see him? And I realize how messed up that sounds, he was disloyal to his wife being with me so why did I expect him to not 'dog' me too? His wife, the woman he said vows to in front of family and friends, promised to be with her until death due them part and he still betrayed her in the worst way (you know that pain since you were cheated upon too) so keep him mind you're no more or less special than his wife. He can do that to her, now you know what he's capable of and can do this to you too. Did he promise you exclusive one on one with him? Please for your own sake and sanity, end it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 It is this type of man that can be in a happy marriage (or affair) and still cheat. If you are unwilling to part with him then you have to ask yourself how OK you are knowing he is cheating on you. It's a very similar scenario to the wife who knows but turns a blind eye. I kind of wonder if he wanted you to find out... also wonder if his wife is aware of you... I am so sorry that this happened to you, OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lovetoohard Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 (edited) So sorry to hear you are going through this. I often had an uneasy feeling with my ex and while he claimed I was his first affair, he just seemed too smooth in his ways. Also, he is a very sexual person and while the wife was away for the summer, it's not like we hooked up every night so I often wondered how he could go two to three weeks or so without sex. He is also really popular with the ladies and there were always women trying to talk to him when we were out. He was respectful and never entertained their advances but I wasn't with him all the time so who knows. There were also little things like he switched the brand of condoms we used and for some odd reason the first time he used the new brand with me it was his last condom, which, unless he bought one single one (I don't know if you even get singles), he should have had more left in the box he purchased (smallest box has 3 condoms). I don't know, maybe I was being too paranoid. The point I am trying to make is that while I overlooked these things and fooled myself into believing he loved me, when the temporary highs wore off, I often tried to keep myself grounded in the reality that regardless of the fact that there may or may not be have been other women, if my MM had the ability to cheat on his wife, the woman who has supposedly been his best friend since high school, the woman who's there to clean up after him, feed him, take care of him when sick, treat his parents as her own, share financial burdens, support his career, give birth to and raise his children that he adores, etc., what kind of expectation is there of any loyalty to me? That thought scared me and was a huge factor in making the decision to end it. Edited December 8, 2015 by Lovetoohard 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 He's ridiculously manipulating... mental case. Poppy. Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Think of it this way... better to end it now and walk away with dignity than wait for him to grow tired of you, crave more variety and replace you with other women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CloudyHead Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 You need to walk away. I stayed and hung around . . . six years later I am in the same place. He is a narcissist. Read about it . . . He love bombed you and you supplied a need for him. If you do not end it now, it will only be more painful when it ends later . . .as it will end. Stop living your life based on him. You have wasted too much time on him already. Live your own life. Remember . . no contact is for you to find your inner strength and move on. I would have zero communication with him . . .you owe him nothing . . you owe yourself (and deserve) much much more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starbright78 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Found out I wasn't the only OW back in July although I had my suspicions much earlier. Hurt like hell when I ended it but now I look back on it and am thankful I chose the NC route and got it over with. You can do it and will thank yourself later. Like another poster mentioned, seemed he wanted to be caught by giving you that other woman's info? Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 If he can have one affair, he can have 2, 3 or more...... makes no difference to him really.. it's all cheating and he gets lots of variety. There's no reason to think she's the only other woman he's been with apart from you and his wife. The fear of STDs doesn't bother many... think of his poor wife being pumped with his fluids. Urrrgghh .... it's awful. He's risking her sexual health and yours and who knows how many more.... unless of course you both use condoms? .. No....didn't think so. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Why am I surprised Posted December 8, 2015 Author Share Posted December 8, 2015 If he can have one affair, he can have 2, 3 or more...... makes no difference to him really.. it's all cheating and he gets lots of variety. There's no reason to think she's the only other woman he's been with apart from you and his wife. The fear of STDs doesn't bother many... think of his poor wife being pumped with his fluids. Urrrgghh .... it's awful. He's risking her sexual health and yours and who knows how many more.... unless of course you both use condoms? .. No....didn't think so. No, no condoms. He said he never had sex with his wife and he was my only sexual partner. This is where the other complication comes in due to our lack of a barrier, I'm pregnant. But that's not a big issue right now. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 No, no condoms. He said he never had sex with his wife and he was my only sexual partner. This is where the other complication comes in due to our lack of a barrier, I'm pregnant. But that's not a big issue right now. Do you honestly believe this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 This is where the other complication comes in due to our lack of a barrier, I'm pregnant. But that's not a big issue right now. Does he know? Are you terminating the pregnancy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Why am I surprised Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 Does he know? Are you terminating the pregnancy? He is very aware. I'm keeping the pregnancy. He does not want any inclusion. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 He is very aware. I'm keeping the pregnancy. He does not want any inclusion. Well he needs to be responsible for the financial support. Are you going to be filing for child support? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Why am I surprised Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 Well he needs to be responsible for the financial support. Are you going to be filing for child support? No, I am not. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Why not? This guy (I call bullcrap) says he doesn't have sex with his wife and then you find out he has other OW. Are you afraid of rocking the boat? Finding out that his marriage actually isn't half as bad as he said it was? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 You can't cheat an honest man. Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 No, I am not. Your child has a right to support. This is not doing right by your child. The child has the proprietary interest in the funds not you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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