Long Distance Mess Up

[melaniemelanie]

Hi,

 

I'm looking for some advice. In October, I met a man from NYC where I live, in Toronto. He is 40, I am 39. Both long-time singles, no kids (either of us). We met online and had two dates, both which were fun and fantastic. After he left town, we kept up by text message, and he offered to come back to see me. Since I had to travel to NYC for work for a night anyway, I suggested I go to him (he has an elderly dog he doesn't like to be away from, so to me my suggestion made sense).

 

He agreed it made sense and in addition to the night I was to be there for work, I added four more days, at his suggestion.

 

In the lead up to my trip, it was all very sweet. We were counting down the days, mutually. About ten days before I was to arrive, he went silent. I waited three days, wondering why the silence, but playing it cool. On the forth day, he texted to say he had been busy and things were suddenly not going well for him with work. I said it was fine, I was just relieved to hear from him...and did he think he could still manage my visit? He said yes, and told me he was still planning to "monopolize my time" while I was there. I was happy.

 

The next few days, he was AWOL again. It got me nervous. Maybe something bigger was going on? Who can be *that* busy to not say hi? So, after three more days of his silence, I told him I was getting worried -- would he still be seeing me? To his credit, he called and we talked and he was just stressed, but yes, of course he wanted me to come. PHEW.

 

The night before I arrived, he sent me a "heads up" text that he was very stressed out because of his sudden workload. I told him not to worry, and that he could get some work done while I was there.

 

The next night I arrived and we went out on a date as we had planned. It was perfect. The following day he went to his office, and we met in the evening at my hotel -- he worked on his laptop and we ordered pizza. It was nice downtime.

 

The thing I noticed though was how little conversation we were having while he took breaks, etc. I mean, we spoke, but he didn't really ask me questions, he answered mine. Regardless, it was a nice night we spent together. Really nice.

 

The next morning, he was up early to check on his dog and get some more work done. At 2pm-ish he texted me to come to his house. Naively, I thought he was probably done working for the day. I got to his place and after a short lunch out (where again he really didn't ask after me but we did have a nice surface-level chat), we went back to his house and he worked for five more hours or so. I basically didn't know what to do with myself to fill the time, having not brought work myself. Eventually, we had a short dinner wherein again he mostly talked about himself.....

 

After dinner, it was 10pm-ish, and I was just sort of...drained. I felt like he hadn't put much effort in to clear his mind of his work, or to "woo" me in any way. It felt like the deal was I was there to sleep with him, without him having to show much interest. SO, I told him I was thinking of going back to my hotel, that I didn't get the sense from him he was very interested....he seemed shocked by this, but didn't really protest. He did walk me to the subway and we said good bye.

 

Once I got home, I realized that I had been very unfair, maybe? He was under stress, had a lot to do. I was seeing it through my eyes -- that I had made the big trip, paid a lot for a hotel, got my things done in advance so I could see him. I also knew the following day he would be working all day, so I felt like "when will we have real conversation?"....but I also knew that the version of him I was seeing in NYC was not the less-stressed version of him in Toronto. So much regret set in.

 

Since then, things have not gone well. The focus went from him "not paying attention" to me leaving really abruptly, and I think he thinks I'm a hysterical, crazy woman (I didn't cry or yell when I left, I was very calm). I realize now I could have just tried to really converse with him about how the day/evening was going -- but I was also sort of scared he was using his work as a way to convey his disinterest in me, because....don't men who "really" like a woman kind of pull out the stops to show her that? Converse, ask her questions? Or even just sort of get cuddly? I am really rusty at dating so I have no idea if my expectations were too much. It just seemed like I had gone to a lot of effort, but I'm not sure my compassion and understanding were up to snuff. I hadn't realised how much work he really had...

 

I don't think he will give it a second chance, and I'm really down about it. Despite the hiccup, I had very much fallen for him and the feeling that I have messed this up is so troubling to me. I haven't met someone I liked so much in YEARS.

 

Does anyone have any perspective on this? Did I handle it terribly? Is there any saving this? I am so so so hopeful it can be saved.

 

Thank you.

[hippychick3]

I don't think you have any reason to second-guess yourself. You made the right decision to leave when you did and his apathetic response to you leaving after going through all that trouble to get there just reconfirms you made the right decision.

 

Let this one go. Be glad you found out who he really is after such a short time. He was incredibly rude and self-centered. You deserve better.

[melaniemelanie]

Thank you. You don't feel like I should have been more sensitive to his workload?

[hippychick3]

Thank you. You don't feel like I should have been more sensitive to his workload?

 

Oh definitely not. You were very accommodating to him. His behavior was frankly very rude. You were visiting from out of town, and he should have been trying to woo you and impress you. It seems like he could not have cared less if you were there or not. I don't think you should contact him again. And unless he profusely apologizes to you and goes out of his way to make it up to you, I wouldn't give him the time of day.

[melaniemelanie]

Thank you. It's been really confusing for me, because I do see his side of it, especially now in retrospect. We did speak the other day, I apologized again for leaving, and he said that everything had been going too fast, and that he felt a lot of pressure within a multi-day visit. I apologized for that, too. I didn't think I was pressuring him, I was just wanting some more *time* with him, and for him to show a little more enthusiasm...but again, I didn't realise he had work to do 24/7. I don't know. It's really upsetting me because I see both sides.

[hippychick3]

Thank you. It's been really confusing for me, because I do see his side of it, especially now in retrospect. We did speak the other day, I apologized again for leaving, and he said that everything had been going too fast, and that he felt a lot of pressure within a multi-day visit. I apologized for that, too. I didn't think I was pressuring him, I was just wanting some more *time* with him, and for him to show a little more enthusiasm...but again, I didn't realise he had work to do 24/7. I don't know. It's really upsetting me because I see both sides.

 

He asked you to spend the extra days with him. He should not be complaining about the "pressure" of the visit. It may have been too much too soon (in the future, limit those first few dates to less time together), but he is just as responsible for that. It doesn't excuse his rude behavior after he invited you. Sorry, he doesn't seem that interested. I think him not contacting you those days before the visit was his attempt to fade. Next time, let the man pursue more and don't initiate. You don't want to appear to be chasing him down. If a man doesn't call, consider him not interested enough and move on.

[Ami1uwant]

He asked you to spend the extra days with him. He should not be complaining about the "pressure" of the visit. It may have been too much too soon (in the future, limit those first few dates to less time together), but he is just as responsible for that. It doesn't excuse his rude behavior after he invited you. Sorry, he doesn't seem that interested. I think him not contacting you those days before the visit was his attempt to fade. Next time, let the man pursue more and don't initiate. You don't want to appear to be chasing him down. If a man doesn't call, consider him not interested enough and move on.

 

 

ThAt happens often where a relationship starts out as just fun....then things change and maybe it might be serious...and then it hits...oh crap do I want a serious LDR??

[winny]

I don't think you have any reason to second-guess yourself. You made the right decision to leave when you did and his apathetic response to you leaving after going through all that trouble to get there just reconfirms you made the right decision.

 

Let this one go. Be glad you found out who he really is after such a short time. He was incredibly rude and self-centered. You deserve better.

 

I agree. Some men, especially the worthless ones, who only want the perks without putting any efforts try to make you feel guilty for their faults. Has happened to me. You would be the one feeling mistreated and somehow you would be the one saying sorry!!! These kind of men somehow manipulate you into saying sorry when the fault is completely theirs and then behave like it was the next logical decision to break up with you. Then you spend days feeling guilty and cursing yourself and having low self esteem for screwing up an amazing thing with such a great guy.

 

You put in a lot of effort n behaved very nicely and also put across your concern when u didnt feel valued and special - which he should have put effort into making u feel. You did nothing wrong. Do not waste anymore time feeling bad.

[TunaCat]

You did not mess anything up.

 

He did. He messed it up. His treatment of you is just abhorrent and it makes me mad for you. You didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated you. He lacked respect for you and for the effort YOU took to go see him.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think you handled it badly. Who'd want to come all that way only to sit around and twiddle their thumbs while the other person worked? I think you were quite patient and understanding; when you felt you were perhaps getting in the way, you made your exit.

 

Sorry, but I don't think he's that interested. It seems he was trying to give you a warning that he wouldn't be fully-engaged with you while you were there and continued to use his work to keep himself at a distance. His actions are more important than his words here. And I also think he's now turning it around on you as a way of ending it without feeling guilty. Who knows what happened between the time you booked your trip and the time you arrived, but I feel he had a change of heart and didn't know how to be honest and express this.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think you made the right choice to go back to the hotel. The whole situation was bizarre and inconsiderate. Bringing you back to his house to wait around for hours while he worked.. big red flag!

 

I'm sorry you are disappointed by what happened, but don't blame yourself. To be honest you got a good insight into how he would treat you in future which should make you question if this guy is actually right for you.

[melaniemelanie]

Thanks. I suppose I am just torn because he *did* warn me before I got there that his workload had increased and he was very stressed. He also asked me (before I got there) for "emotional support"...I suppose I didn't know how to behave around that, because we weren't yet "close" -- I thought it was the stage where we sort of "sucked up" our difficulties and put our best feet forward. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate honesty and real life, I do, I just wasn't sure how much I should be giving to a man who I didn't yet have that closeness with. I REALLY liked him -- I mean, I thought he could be *the one* -- but I also didn't want to set the bar low, and have the weekend be all about him.

 

We did converse and have fun, surface level conversation. But at no point since I met him -- either on text message or during the weekend -- did he really attempt to ask me any mildly personal questions -- my dating history or what my life is like, etc.

 

In our phone call the other day, he said all of those kinds of questions would have been going too fast.

 

I am very rusty at dating. What is normal these days, for two grown adults? I thought since we had four days together, six weeks after meeting, some of these questions would come up.

 

So confused and very sad. Despite all the crossed wires, I really liked him and hadn't met anyone who set my heart beating in years and years. Now I feel like I lost the chance. :/

[Myragal]

You are 39, not 16.

 

You had two dates with a man who lived in another city.

 

Regardless of how he treated you, you created some fantasy in your head. This was a stranger. Unfortunately the fantasy continues. You are already 'seeing his side'. Too much pressure. If only 'you' had done this or that.

 

Hint. He is NOT all that interested in investing himself. Instead of making your visit magical, you were something between an inconvenience and 'tolerable'. It is irrelevant what his motivation is. His feelings for you. Pressure. Tired. Etc. Completely irrelevant.

 

Talked to him? Why? Expecting what? I wouldn't have invested more energy in tapping the keyboard.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you did nothing wrong, but he is clearly trying to put the breaks on this. don't think he dislikes you but spending that much time together when you really don't know each other very well was just too much for him.

 

I feel he should have told you this before you went, rather than being so dismissive of you when you arrived. I would probably just let this one go. He doesn't appear to be very the partner you're looking for.

Edited December 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mention of merged duplicate thread redacted ~6

[melaniemelanie]

Thanks Scarlett. You don't think that I should have tried to "talk it out" with him? I feel like I should have given him a better chance, and so what happened is the focus is now on me having left, than on him ignoring me in favour of working.

 

I suppose I just felt baffled by how little attention he was paying me. I'm not unattractive, I'm sweet and fun, and we had been getting along really well. But on the Saturday, it just felt like it was going downhill.

 

All the dating advice online says I should have let him take the lead, been "cooler", etc. I was worried I was letting him set the bar low, somehow, and I suppose I wanted him to "work" for me, in a way. It was maybe game playing? I don't know. I didn't expect to be so confused by this situation. It seemed so easy (or somewhat easy) going into it. I was really excited and happy.

[brokengirl85]

What a complete jerk!! Honestly.

 

Looks like before you traveled, he changed his mind about you te but he wasn't enough men to let you know. Instead, he said he was busy. Classical excuse.

 

Yes, he probably wanted to just have sex and for that reason he didn't invest in you.

Yes, you did right leaving

 

You probably also want to block him and forget about him. He seems to be a pain in the as.s.

[katiegrl]

melanie..... pls listen to all these responses ....clearly he doesn't give a crap.

 

Second guessing is normal, but please stop.

 

He treated you very very poorly, and no it was not because he had a lot of work.

 

You did nothing wrong, none of this is your fault.

 

If you think he cares, you might want to rethink that. His actions clearly reflect he does not.

 

Also , you may be thinking he cares because you are projecting your own feelings on to him...and assuming he feels the same as you.

 

Projection is very tricky, it is also very common, done it myself.

 

So be careful you are not doing that.....

 

Sorry this didn't work out ....hugs

[kismetkismet]

I think you're second guessing and over thinking something that was definitely the right move on your part. Whether or not he was interested, his behaviour was totally disrespectful. It's been my experience that you can get a pretty good idea of a person's conversational/relationship style fairly early on. He seems far too focused on himself and his work to be truly engaging and a good partner.

[winny]

Thanks Scarlett. You don't think that I should have tried to "talk it out" with him? I feel like I should have given him a better chance, and so what happened is the focus is now on me having left, than on him ignoring me in favour of working.

 

I suppose I just felt baffled by how little attention he was paying me. I'm not unattractive, I'm sweet and fun, and we had been getting along really well. But on the Saturday, it just felt like it was going downhill.

 

All the dating advice online says I should have let him take the lead, been "cooler", etc. I was worried I was letting him set the bar low, somehow, and I suppose I wanted him to "work" for me, in a way. It was maybe game playing? I don't know. I didn't expect to be so confused by this situation. It seemed so easy (or somewhat easy) going into it. I was really excited and happy.

 

Oh Melanie Melanie Melanie.... I feel you.... you really need to work on your self esteem. Can you please read some books on it? You are a strong independent successful woman. DO NOT let any guy (however awesome he might seem) affect you this much. NEVER.

Your happiness should not be dependent on any guy.

Don't doubt yourself. I am sure you are amazing. You seem so nice and thoughtful and understanding. This guy is no good. Online dating advice and all of that is not going to make a difference unless you understand your worthiness. No guy should treat you like this. Life is so short do u want to waste it feeling bad for a person who doesn't even care about you???

Dont overthink and overanalyze and dont worry. You have lost absolutely nothing. Enjoy your life... love yourself and dont give a damn about this jerk.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Thanks Scarlett. You don't think that I should have tried to "talk it out" with him? I feel like I should have given him a better chance, and so what happened is the focus is now on me having left, than on him ignoring me in favour of working.

 

I suppose I just felt baffled by how little attention he was paying me. I'm not unattractive, I'm sweet and fun, and we had been getting along really well. But on the Saturday, it just felt like it was going downhill.

 

All the dating advice online says I should have let him take the lead, been "cooler", etc. I was worried I was letting him set the bar low, somehow, and I suppose I wanted him to "work" for me, in a way. It was maybe game playing? I don't know.

 

I encourage you not to apologize for leaving again. It takes away his accountability for the reason why you left in the first place. He put you in an uncomfortable position with no consideration for your feelings. This isn't about you, it is about him. He showed his true colors, that he is completely self involved, which is probably why he likes to remain single or keep things safe by dating long distance. It works for him and his lifestyle.

 

I believe you teach people how to treat you. Reverse the situation, would you have treated him the same way? No way! You should be glad you stood up for yourself by leaving and not setting the bar to low. It shows that you have respect for yourself.

 

Do not make it easy for him by making excuses. If he wants another chance he has to earn it. However, in saying that, I would be very careful about trusting him again though because in my experience this pattern of behavior will continue.

 

I didn't expect to be so confused by this situation. It seemed so easy (or somewhat easy) going into it. I was really excited and happy.

 

When you meet the right guy it shouldn't be this difficult. Respect should be an absolute minimum requirement of what you expect.