Hi

[HidingInPlainSight]

Ummm this is very new to me. All of it, but I figure the best place to share my secret is here and especially when I see there is not a lot of judgement( sorry this wI'll be a long one i have a lot of time to fill in for).

 

My affair has been going on for over a year now. I am the OW. My MM is 18 years my senior and a manager at another store in my region....so inadvertently my boss. I absolutely hate being that cliche. I met him 2 years ago and was in awe by him but never thought he was someone that would have an affair. He is smart, cunning, confident. He is a man, where most the time I find myself surrounded by boys.

 

Oddly enough our affair started off a little backwards. Work situations brought us in constant contact even talking on the phone late at night while we both drove home. The turning point was clear, he just blurted out one day that he had always had a crush on me, and I was the reserved one. I played it so I was the emotionally distant one when he was trying to turn it into more. He even took his time to "date me" having a non sexual affair for almost 4 months before we became intimate.

 

At that point his daughter was born....full story (him and his wife had not conceived a child and her sister threatened to abort the baby she was having unless they adopted it.) Having been cautious and in full knowledge of the situation I expected things to fall apart then, however they got stronger. His daughter was born with severe medical issues and the child's biological father was now dragging his feet on signing off parental rights. But he always sought me out to confide in.

 

The following year was full of ups and downs as any affair goes until the last 2 or 3 months anyways. Out of nowhere he started asking more serious questions like do I really think I can be with someone 18 years older than me that has been married 3 times. Do I think I will be able to trust him fully knowing what he has done in his 3 marriages. Have I been with anyone else since the affair had started. I haven't been with anyone else and knowing that sent him over the edge I think.

 

Since then our relationship has reached a new level. Now talking of how our future will play out is a constant thing, how things will go who will play what roles. We even talk about him living with me when he leaves which is a huge compromise for him....I am very simple natured and have only necessities whereas he works hard to make good money and expects to enjoy the benefits of it.

 

So why hasn't he left? Always the question. Because of his daughter. The adoption is still not finalized and he just convinced his wife to let him take legal action since the baby has lived with them from birth.

 

Do I believe it....pathetically yes. I am a skeptical person and never thought I would be convinced to be in this situation but if there is one thing I don't doubt about him is the love he has for his kids and that he would endure unhappiness at any level to keep them. I also know the wife is crazy enough to use the baby as leverage. She did it once when she thought she had caught him cheating...she just accused the wrong person.

 

My question isn't do I stay or do I let it go, not yet. My question is how much will I regret this? I will handle the heartbreak as I always have. I don't know that I can handle the disappointment in myself for being fooled if that turns out to be the case.

Edited December 8, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Ms. Faust]

What were his past marriages like?

[S2B]

Wouldn't it be easier to date a single guy with less baggage and a history of being faithful?

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. If asked to use 3 words to describe the nature of the man they love it's unusual to 'hear' a woman use, "He is smart, cunning, confident.", it's the cunning that surprises me. May I ask if you mean that as a great compliment or not? I'm just interested. You seem very controlled but you feel like a lady who needs to say more, who maybe has more insecurities in this?!?

 

What would you truly like the outcome of this is be, honestly?

[Samhain]

How do you know his wife used leverage to trap him? You are in a relationship with somebody who lies to his wife, don't think for a second he won't lie to you.

 

Trawl through the threads here regarding OM/OW, I'll bet you find many situations the same as yours, and how they ended.

 

Married 3 times and is cheating on a woman who just gave birth to his child, who was born with medical conditions.. You're either a wind up merchant.. Or seriously dim in order not to see what a scumbag you're wasting your time with.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm assuming there's a chance they won't be able to adopt whilst they're divorcing... Of all the 'lines' it's one I'd possibly fall for. If walking out the door now would mean I'd loose my baby I'd wait. Using 'staying for the kids' is about not wanting to loose sleeping in the same house as them. Maybe he can handle shared custody & another man moving in with his family.

 

Have you had those harsh conversations with him?

[ShatteredLady]

Samhain. It's a different situation with the baby. She's a family adoption. I know what you mean.

 

Of course there's an ugliness here but for some reason I can picture that in different scenarios (I'm giving the benefit of doubt until we know more information) so it's not inducing my usual gag reflex at cheating while the wife is pregnant

 

Her post reads like she would like to discuss some big issues, do some self-analysis etc here on LS but she's not there yet. I hope we can help.

[anika99]

What did he do in his three marriages? Is it his plan to adopt the baby with his wife and then walk out her, leaving her alone to deal with this baby who has serious medical needs all while being devastated by the end of her marriage? Why do you want a man who would do such a terrible thing to another human being? Wouldn't it be kinder to tell her right now that he plans to leave so that she can make decisions about her life too? I think he has no problem hurting people, especially women, and that one day you will be on the receiving end of his selfish actions.

[Samhain]

Samhain. It's a different situation with the baby. She's a family adoption. I know what you mean.

 

Of course there's an ugliness here but for some reason I can picture that in different scenarios (I'm giving the benefit of doubt until we know more information) so it's not inducing my usual gag reflex at cheating while the wife is pregnant

 

Her post reads like she would like to discuss some big issues, do some self-analysis etc here on LS but she's not there yet. I hope we can help.

 

I get you, but what anika says above, the same principle. Do people who are drifting apart adopt children, maybe, but divorced 3 times tells a story.

[Poppy47]

Are you serious?

 

Do you want to be wife number 4. This man is poison. Why has he been married so many times and HOW do you know so much????

Because he told you and you believe him???

DON'T

 

Poppy.

[amomwhoknows]

Run. Run Fast. Change jobs if you have to.

 

Do you think that marriage 4 will change his behavior? Do you think you are different than the previous three wives, lord knows how many APs, girlfriends, etc that he has cheated on?

 

Run. Now.

[CloudyHead]

You need to end the affair and move on.

He is merely feeding you one excuse after another.

And, he is looking for someone to wait for him while he musters up the courage to end his marriage.

He is on his third marriage . . .He has been down that road before. Might even have a prenup at this point.

As difficult as it sounds and is to accept . .you are merely supplying a need for him at this point.

[sandylee1]

I don't know your age.... but I can't comprehend why you want a man with all this baggage and is a serial cheater.

 

Is there something wrong like a lack of self esteem?

Do you have difficulty attracting a single man?

Have you ever had a normal relationship?

 

If you continue making poor choices like this......... you will have a miserable life and I'm sure that's not something you want.

[S2B]

Waaaay too much baggage...

 

I hope you begin dating single available men.

[OneLov]

So why hasn't he left? Always the question. Because of his daughter.

 

No. Because affairs are not socially acceptable behavior. As social animals, humans have evolved to conform to standards set by the "pack." By failing to conform to social standards, our ancestors risked being isolated. Isolation was a death sentence. Also, it made it much harder for our species to reproduce. Therefore, we ultimately act in socially acceptable ways despite what we may feel.

 

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying you're going against hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. It's nothing personal; it's biology. You deserve more.

[MJJean]

So, he's been married 3 times. Divorced twice. And is such a gem he's currently cheating on his new mother wife while putting the adoption and future security of an innocent baby at risk.

 

"Do I think I will be able to trust him fully knowing what he has done in his 3 marriages." This highly suggests he has been an adulterer in all 3 marriages. And the answer to that question is NO! No, you cannot trust him because he has shown time and again over the course of 3 marriages that he is NOT trustworthy.

 

The problem was not his 2 ex wives. The problem is not his current wife. The problem is him. You cannot fix him. He isn't going to change for you or anyone else. This is the kind of guy who will lie and cheat until he dies or his d!ck stops working.

 

He's talking about a future with you? So, he's willing to leave his new infant daughter with all her health issues for his wife to raise while he starts on marriage #4 with you?

 

I've met more likable pond scum.

[Friskyone4u]

Not much anyone can really say here.

 

No reason to judge you. He is the one who should be judged . Quite a first class slimeball to say the least .

 

Think about why you have even the remotest thought that a guy who has been married three times and has probably cheated on all of hem is going to be faithful to you. And on top of that his finances must be a wreck .

 

Then add in the age difference . Your odds of a great outcome here are not too good

[HidingInPlainSight]

It's a little suprising to me how many of you find my MM to be scummy. I'm the first to call out the worthless man in a group usually but it goes to show me that my judgement is clouded when it comes to him, but how drastically has yet to be scene. I am not breaking things off, never had any intention of doing so but please don't feel that I am blowing you all off. I guess at the end of the day I feel like I am young and can make mistakes. I know I could not hade the what ifs if I left now. But I will step back and try to see the side of him that you all saw, mostly likely I'll just think I did not describe him justly. No I don't have self esteem issues, and I don't consider what he has as baggage.

[HidingInPlainSight]

I found it very interesting that someone would comment how I am going against social order, very well stated and something I have contimplated many times....just on the different side of things. Why do most of you, think marriages used to be successful and now they aren't for the most part? My theory....men have been cheating on their wives as almost a normalicy since adultery became a sin.... the women then turned the other cheek , to save face mostly but it was not accepted by society to get divorced. Now it is not acceptable to stay with someone who is unfaithful. Why? because society says.... I've never been much of a conformist, you all asked if I really thought he would stay faithful to me...no. I don't think a man with no history of cheating is going to marry me and never be with another woman for the next 50 years. That's absurd. I don't think I will spend that many years and only have one man. Sex is sex. So much it is intertwined into love....infidelity is loving someone other than me. If a man no longer loves me I expect him to leave and find happiness. I will do the same. But if he isn't down for the same sex routine we've done for the past 20 years then I don't blame him. I don't ever wanted it flaunted in my face and he better never bring anything home or I'll chop it off....I don't expect everyone...or anyone for that matter to agree but think it over...ask yourself is it really a practical idea that you will only have sex with one person for the rest of your life....at least women can go buy a different toy to change it up...I don't think there's as many options for men. How do I see my life working out with my MM. I see respect, I see love, and I see a partnership.

[anika99]

I found it very interesting that someone would comment how I am going against social order, very well stated and something I have contimplated many times....just on the different side of things. Why do most of you, think marriages used to be successful and now they aren't for the most part? My theory....men have been cheating on their wives as almost a normalicy since adultery became a sin.... the women then turned the other cheek , to save face mostly but it was not accepted by society to get divorced. Now it is not acceptable to stay with someone who is unfaithful. Why? because society says....

 

No, what society says has nothing to with it. You need to think a little deeper. Years ago most women and their children were financially dependent on the man of the household. They didn't just put up with cheating, sometimes they put up with being beaten, drug and alcohol abuse, and sometimes they even accepted their children being abused. All because they truly felt like they had no options. Now women are educated, intelligent, independent and able to take care of themselves and their children and thank God for that!

 

 

I've never been much of a conformist,

 

Having an affair with your older married boss, doesn't make you a rebel, it makes you a cliche. You're not out there breaking new ground.

 

you all asked if I really thought he would stay faithful to me...no. I don't think a man with no history of cheating is going to marry me and never be with another woman for the next 50 years. That's absurd. I don't think I will spend that many years and only have one man. Sex is sex. So much it is intertwined into love....infidelity is loving someone other than me. If a man no longer loves me I expect him to leave and find happiness. I will do the same. But if he isn't down for the same sex routine we've done for the past 20 years then I don't blame him. I don't ever wanted it flaunted in my face and he better never bring anything home or I'll chop it off....I don't expect everyone...or anyone for that matter to agree but think it over...ask yourself is it really a practical idea that you will only have sex with one person for the rest of your life....at least women can go buy a different toy to change it up...I don't think there's as many options for men.

 

That's fine, many people feel as you do and they have agreed with their spouse what the boundaries and rules are regarding sex outside of the marriage. That's not the same thing as cheating. When a spouse cheats it is mostly the the ongoing lying and crazy making behaviour that eventually destroys the relationship. So much dishonesty and gas lighting that it's downright abusive. Your own MM is encouraging his wife to adopt a special needs child under the false belief that she is married to a faithful man who is going to be by her side in the future, meanwhile he knows he's just going to ditch her once she has fulfilled his wishes. That's just being a terrible human being and it has nothing to do with all you wrote about being progressive and evolved to the point of accepting sex outside of the marriage

 

 

How do I see my life working out with my MM. I see respect, I see love, and I see a partnership.

 

You see respect with the MM? Based on what? Do you think he is being respectful to his wife? Does he have a history of treating women respectfully? It really doesn't look like it.

[Ms. Faust]

Sex is sex. So much it is intertwined into love....infidelity is loving someone other than me. If a man no longer loves me I expect him to leave and find happiness. I will do the same. But if he isn't down for the same sex routine we've done for the past 20 years then I don't blame him. I don't ever wanted it flaunted in my face and he better never bring anything home or I'll chop it off....I don't expect everyone...or anyone for that matter to agree but think it over...ask yourself is it really a practical idea that you will only have sex with one person for the rest of your life....at least women can go buy a different toy to change it up...I don't think there's as many options for men. How do I see my life working out with my MM. I see respect, I see love, and I see a partnership.

 

I cut out some of the irrelevant stuff, but I don't know what the heck your point is here. I think you're trying to justify a hedonistic outlook? I dunno... the first half of what you says contradicts the second half. I did chuckle at this:

 

I've never been much of a conformist...

 

You're having an affair with an older married man who is your boss, you rebel, you... Certainly never heard that one before. I mean, we just have at least 3 threads going with the same scenario on the first page of the forums. The only thing that is missing is the "I am a strong, independent woman" proclamation that usually follows the story.

Anika's right, that is as cliche as it gets.

Edited December 10, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[burnt]

I am not breaking things off, never had any intention of doing so but please don't feel that I am blowing you all off.

 

Ok, let me meet you where you are.

Being the exOW myself, looking back, I know no matter who told me what in the entire world, I never would have suspected any dishonesty from MM towards me (as ironic as it sounds). Well, I know now, it's called an affair fog and your thinking goes all haywire.

 

So let me not suggest that you should break things off--until YOU are ready. You seem to have a stubborn mind (I don't mean it in an offensive way).

 

I guess at the end of the day I feel like I am young and can make mistakes.

 

Mistakes are wonderful gifts in life (I really do believe it). We learn from our mistakes. But some mistakes leave behind irreparable damage in your very being and have no positive impact whatsoever.

 

Speaking for myself, after the affair, I can tell you that I am NO longer able to trust anyone (I mean ANY human being) at all. My ability to have faith in anything is completely wiped out. Nothing good came out of this 'mistake' of mine. And I'm young too.

[sandylee1]

I question what the point of your post was. Your happy as you are being the extra for a MM.... you enjoy the sex...so just remain silent and invisible and things will carry on as they are... until he gets bored.

 

Once he leaves his wife ... He's all yours... no more sneaking around. Good luck and hope it all goes well for you.

[lollipopspot]

I guess at the end of the day I feel like I am young and can make mistakes.

 

You're playing with other people's lives too. His wife isn't so young, and the baby is too young.

[EdibleWoman]

I think it's interesting that OP says they've discussed "roles." How many other OW on here had an A with an older man in which they discussed roles? OP, this comment is not in judgment, and I may be taking some liberties with what you mean by roles. But my older MM (who also was my boss) and I discussed "roles" in the early stages of our relationship and all of the Dominant/Submissive cliches and fantasies came out to play. Does your MM have a dominant wife? Does your MM want someone more submissive?