Velveteen Jared Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 My wife is the love of my life. She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman, we've been married for 6 years. But in the past 2 years I can see and feel her pulling away. I have checked her phone to see if there is anythjng there but there's nothing. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can tell she doesn't love me anymore and when she hugs me and says she loves me it feels like she's lying. I'm starting to doubt my own sanity. She still puts on the same beautiful smile but it seems fake. I did look at the phone bill and find lots of phone calls to and from a certain number. I called and it was just a generic answering message. Am I wrong? Should I investigate further, should I drop this? I feel stuck at this point because I don't want to invade her privacy yet I feel something is off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Velveteen Jared Posted December 8, 2015 Author Share Posted December 8, 2015 I'm sorry let me fill in some things. My wife and I have been through some bad times. I was previously abusive to her but only when drunk. I have since stopped drinking and graduated from a violence prevention class. My wife was the one who encouraged me to drink but I don't drink anymore. She likes to see me angry and even read to me a passage in a book about a woman who would get her husband drunk then anger him so he would abuse her. He would have no memory of it the next day but she would have the bruises and show them about town claiming the victim. Now my wife never played the victim to anyone, but she did read me that line early on in our relationship and I can't help but wonder was this all her doing? I've tried to find the book but I can't remember what she said the title was. I know she used to love me, I've never felt any love or emotion so intense. I feel so lost. I don't know who I am anymore, all I know is that I need her. And I'm afraid losing her. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Have you sat her down and asked her about where the relationship is and where she is in that relationship? The abuse part was important as it definitely will drive people away. When was the last occurance and was the class mandated or voluntary? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Sorry to say, but I think you wife needs some sort of counseling, but I suspect that might not help. Over the years I have met a few like her. They have a need to get their husbands mad at them. I once lived in an apartment complex, where the neighbor's wife had similar tendencies. They appeared to be very much in love, she doted over him, you would see them in the pool and she would be all over him. Then the fights started, her cussing him out for little or no reason. And finally her dressing up and going out. The end came when one night he got drunk walked down to the local bar where he knew she was, drug her off of the bar stool, where she was flirting with another guy. He proceeded to knock her around. The next day she was once again out by the pool with him, sporting a shiner, but once again totally in love with him. Her daughter from her first marriage who was visiting that summer said her mom had did the same thing with her dad. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 but she did read me that line early on in our relationship and I can't help but wonder was this all her doing? I'm glad to hear you've stopped drinking and attended a violence prevention program. Question; did you attend that program because of court mandate or was it something you sought out to get help? Also, sounds to me like you are still minimizing your abuse by saying " only when I was drunk" and still blaming your wife for it...as I've highlighted your own words above. I think you should also attend AA. That may help you take more ownership for your behavior and help you gain a deeper understanding of how those behaviors impact others. Start there. Work on you. Talk to your wife about how you intend to keep improving in areas of your relationship where you've failed. Earn her trust and love back through actions, not words. If she leaves, you'll still be working on you. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Well, there are the standard things you can do: Get a voice activated recorder and place it in her car, in the home, etc. There are some very good ones that you can get for 20$ on amazon, that look like a USB thumb drive that will do real well. You can get a GPS device you can put in her car that will show you exactly where she goes. But I get the suspicion that your wife is either totally innocent, or so devious that she knows how to cover her tracks. You might need to spend some money and hire a investigator to check into her activities. If she is innocent, then you can deal with the mind games she is playing on you from a position of truth. If she is guilty,, then you are married to a true sociopathic mastermind and can get the hell away from her before she consummates her master plan by eating you alive... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Jeez, I would kill to have a husband who loved me so much (minus the abusuve part). It's always cold women who get these men. Link to post Share on other sites
Sandy43 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 The best advice I can give is to trust your gut, if it's telling you something is off with your wife then it is probably right. Investigate and do not confront her about anything. It usually doesn't take much looking to find evidence when you are feeling like that. Check email, phone (using spotlight search) and social media accounts if you have access. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Multiple issues here, but lets talk investigation. Others have advised you on doing a little investigation and I agree. As for the phone number she is calling regularly -besides googling it - there are any number of paid reverse lookup places that can usually (not always) tell you who owns the number. If you have a home computer put spy software on it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 well, either she is bat **** crazy, OR she is a sado masochist. if she is into S&M, maybe you can be her DOM. If she is, and you prefer not to, she will just find a dom somewhere else and not tell you, so consider the option seriously. BIG Congrats on getting off the sauce...I know that is really really hard to do Link to post Share on other sites
healingsoul Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Jared, It is not uncommon in relationships, especially marriage, to have feeling that come and go. But what is important is that we feel comfortable talking about how we feel and that we remain committed. Your wife does not seem to be giving you any firm proof that she is not committed to your marriage. Don't confuse feelings for commitment. I have been married 32 years. I am so happy to still be married to my husband and love him deeply but over the years we had times when the feelings were thin. I remember feeling so upset with myself because I felt that I was falling out of love with my husband and I thought something was wrong with me. I learned that many things can cause feelings to ebb and flow but my commitment has always remained strong. Would your wife consider going to talk with a third party, like a counselor? She might be having mixed feelings or low feelings and frightened to talk about it. I would not jump to thinking she was doing something wrong. Until she gives you a reason to not trust her, don't start doubting her and looking for problems. Keep enouraging her and doing what you can to show her love and commitment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Velveteen Jared Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 I apologize for the delayed response, but I've just been so busy with business with the coming holiday. I appreciate all of your advice and question and I will try my best to address them. "KG: Have you sat her down and asked her about where the relationship is and where she is in that relationship? The abuse part was important as it definitely will drive people away. When was the last occurance and was the class mandated or voluntary?" No we haven't discussed things, I haven't brought them up. The last occurrence was almost three years ago. I strangled her and did some other crazy stuff like throwing a chair and breaking a bedroom door down and was arrested because she called the police. I have no memory of being arrested or strangling her or anything. I just remember "waking up" in jail during processing and being told that I has assaulted my wife. I was so afraid that I had hurt her badly and no one would tell me a thing. Not that I deserved it, I know I deserved to sit in jail wondering what had I done. Even though there was an automatic protection order put in place, my wife bailed me out and picked me up. She ran up to me and hugged me when I was released and far enough away from the jail and told me she was waiting with the car around the corner. I finished up with the bail bondsman and met up with her. She said she was sorry for calling the cops and getting me in trouble but that she had just had enough of me hurting her. She had called the cops before and even neighbors had called the cops before but I was always just told to leave the premises at the time. Long story short, she spoke to the ADA and told him we wanted to stay together, she wasn't afraid of me and that she only wanted me to take a course in violence prevention. They agreed. I was given 6 years probation and had to take a course for men in violence prevention. Wife beaters class as my wife calls it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Velveteen Jared Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 -2-50-a-gallon That sounds very similar to my wife and I on the surface, she never did anything to intentionally anger me. But she was always willing to forgive very quickly. It seemed she would be right back in love with me minutes to hours later, and I would be still feeling like crap and guilty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Velveteen Jared Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 2.50 gallon I have heard of women like that as well, wanting their husbands angry. But she isn't like that at all sober. Neither of us drink anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Velveteen Jared Posted December 14, 2015 Author Share Posted December 14, 2015 I'm glad to hear you've stopped drinking and attended a violence prevention program. Question; did you attend that program because of court mandate or was it something you sought out to get help? Also, sounds to me like you are still minimizing your abuse by saying " only when I was drunk" and still blaming your wife for it...as I've highlighted your own words above. I think you should also attend AA. That may help you take more ownership for your behavior and help you gain a deeper understanding of how those behaviors impact others. Start there. Work on you. Talk to your wife about how you intend to keep improving in areas of your relationship where you've failed. Earn her trust and love back through actions, not words. If she leaves, you'll still be working on you. It was court mandated that I graduate the class. It lasted 8 months (once a week) and I've learned a lot. I also attend AA that is court mandated and I am in an online secular sobriety class (we are both non religious). I am looking to eventually start a SS group in my area. I haven't spoken much with her about my inner thoughts and feelings and the introspection I've done throughout this change. I will start making a point to bring up my work on myself, because I know she'd be interested and is very supportive. She's a psychologist. Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Perhaps we can move away from blaming the battered woman for her beatings and then stalking her to just having a simple conversation? OP half of this stuff is just.... nuts. Don't buy elaborate spying equipment. Don't ponder on what she may have done to 'make you' behave violently. Nobody forced you to drink, truly. Stop looking through everything trying to justify why you hit your wife and talk to the woman. It sounds like you've spent the last few years tip toeing around each other but never actually doing the heavy lifting of dealing with the past. Be real, go to counselling together and you'll get to the bottom of things a lot more efficiently. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Velveteen Jared Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 What is a phone spotlight search? I found out the number she was texting was her SIL (her brothers wife) so I feel pretty dumb about that. We will be going to a Christmas party soon for the the people she works with, and I'm anxious to see the men she works with. I am starting to feel like a crazy stalker. I don't blame her for my actions, I'm just wondering if she wanted me to get drunk and angry. About a month into our relationship she asked me to hit her in the face when we were drunk one night. I'm afraid I've just messed everything up so much that she can't be happy with me anymore. What should I say to her or ask? I don't want to accuse her of anything because I don't know what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 About a month into our relationship she asked me to hit her in the face when we were drunk one night. n. Really? Why would u marry such a person. Seems weird. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Really? Why would u marry such a person. Seems weird. sounds like a person into S&M. Definitely not mainstream, but definitely a whole class of people who get intense sexual pleasure from pain. It would not make any sense to someone who is not into S&M, so don't even try o figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Velveteen Jared Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 I just read up more on S+M and she's definitely a masochist. Either that or she gets off on being afraid. She is always dragging me into what I call extreme sports. I have no desire to trust my life to a rope, but she loves it. Maybe now that I don't scare her anymore she is bored with me. Should I do something to scare her and see what her reaction is? She told me once that I raped her when I was drunk but the memory is hazy. It's hard to believe I did that. Then she told me later she likes thinking about it and that it was hot. She really confuses me, why call the cops if she likes all that? Why not just tell me instead of getting me drunk and angry? Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Oh my god no! Sit down and talk properly and ask her to go to counselling with you, that's it. You can't unpack all of this stuff on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts