In love w/other person

[Guest]

Hi,

 

I've been with my H since I was 18, really never had another bf. I'm now 26. I've realized that I do not love my H with a love that a wife should have for her H. It's not the selfless, I would die for you love.

 

I'm not even in love with H anymore. I'm in love with another guy, and I've been in love with the other guy for almost a year. The other guy likes me, too. This is a huge sign to me. If I can like someone for this long while married, obviously, there are major problems??? I've been thinking about asking for a separation at least, or possibly a divorce, but I'm really scared. It doesn't seem fair to H to have his wife be in love with someone else. I'm scared of being alone, though. I've never been without H. I've been with him since my freshman year of college. I don't like divorce. I'm afraid that I will someday regret this decision. I've tried to make myself not like this other guy, I haven't even seen him in months, I've tried to do the NC thing to give myself time, but I still love him and can't stop thinking about him, even with months of NC.

[Tony]

Spending the rest of your life with somebody you don't love is MUCH WORSE than being alone. You simply got married too early.

 

However, it's really too bad you don't like to be alone. You need to take a vacation from relationships and date around. You fell in love with this new guy out of vulnerability and neediness, not out of a healthy desire to connect with another human being. It is my opinion that you need to be free as a bird for a while, no matter how scary that may seem, because hanging onto another wrong person could be much more scary. Give yourself a chance to become a fully evolved, fully balanced person in your own right. Then you will be ready to find a great, comfortable relationship that will go the distance.

 

I sense you may have some issues fromt he past that need to be resolved. You might consider going to an excellent counsellor and discussing your current circumstances.

 

Meanwhile, I strongly suggest you not jump into something else now...no matter how much you think you 'LOVE" him. I'm wondering if you even know what love is. Right now, though, it's best to part from a mistake that it's not too late to correct.

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by Guest

Hi,

 

I've been with my H since I was 18, really never had another bf. I'm now 26. I've realized that I do not love my H with a love that a wife should have for her H. It's not the selfless, I would die for you love.

 

This statement says you feel you missed out on dating others and now you want to test the waters. Just because you only dated your H doesn't mean you need to now. Your love for the new guy is clouding your judgement and you think you will be happier with him. You may be or you may not. It is a gamble so think before you act.

 

I'm not even in love with H anymore. I'm in love with another guy, and I've been in love with the other guy for almost a year. The other guy likes me, too. This is a huge sign to me. If I can like someone for this long while married, obviously, there are major problems???

 

There are many people we can have feeling for. In a relationship, if we act on those feelings then the relationship suffers. Your relationship is suffering because you have feelings for another. I would recomend some counceling to make sure you really want to do this thing before the separation or divorce.

 

 

 

I've been thinking about asking for a separation at least, or possibly a divorce, but I'm really scared. It doesn't seem fair to H to have his wife be in love with someone else. I'm scared of being alone, though. I've never been without H. I've been with him since my freshman year of college. I don't like divorce. I'm afraid that I will someday regret this decision. I've tried to make myself not like this other guy, I haven't even seen him in months, I've tried to do the NC thing to give myself time, but I still love him and can't stop thinking about him, even with months of NC.

 

If you are unhappy then the other guy will stay in your mind even if you don't see him. To really get over him ( if that is what you want ) you need to put your energy into your marriage and trying to find happiness with your H. But if you think you are missing out because you never dated anyone else then your marriage will suffer. The only way is to really find out where you stand on your marriage. Talk to you your H. If he is doing things that is causing you to question your feelings let him know. Give your marriage a chance before you make that move that will destroy what you two have/had.

 

Peace...

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Guest

Hi,

 

I've been with my H since I was 18, really never had another bf. I'm now 26. I've realized that I do not love my H with a love that a wife should have for her H. It's not the selfless, I would die for you love.

 

I'm not even in love with H anymore. I'm in love with another guy, and I've been in love with the other guy for almost a year. The other guy likes me, too. This is a huge sign to me. If I can like someone for this long while married, obviously, there are major problems??? I've been thinking about asking for a separation at least, or possibly a divorce, but I'm really scared. It doesn't seem fair to H to have his wife be in love with someone else. I'm scared of being alone, though. I've never been without H. I've been with him since my freshman year of college. I don't like divorce. I'm afraid that I will someday regret this decision. I've tried to make myself not like this other guy, I haven't even seen him in months, I've tried to do the NC thing to give myself time, but I still love him and can't stop thinking about him, even with months of NC.

 

If you hadn't of cheated you would of never fallen in love in the first place.

 

The only real way to know if you won't regret it is to tell your husband the truth. And if he is willing go to couples couselling. Thats if he is willing and wants to work it out with a woman who betrayed him in such a horrible way. Only when everything is in the open and you do a real NC will you know for sure.

 

As far as the rest goes.....

 

You sound like you'd like to continue the affair and remain with your husband so you can have your cake and eat it too. This is the classic selfish cheater behavior. This is why people like myself have such low opinions of people like you. You're not worried about your husband you're worried about the financial security and emotional security he gives you. You can't have both. And your husband deserves to know the truth. If the relationship ends he needs to know he isn't losing anything but a cheating spouse, not some woman he loves and holds in high regard. He needs to know you're not the woman you say you are everynight when you tell him you love him and say goodnight. If he still wants to work out with that woman at least he knows what he is getting himself into.

[Guest]

However, he does not seem willing to change anything about his part of the problem, either.... he is obsessed with his religion, and I'm just not interested in being into that anymore..... I don't want to go to church 3 times a week. He doesn't want to make any sacrificies for me, either.

I haven't been dishonest with him about the other guy. He knows all of the details.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey Guest,

I think you have already made up your mind and have given your heart to this other man so why try and work on this marriage.. what you should do is lose touch with this other man and try to do what everyone else has suggested work with your h and stay away from this other man and then if you still feel this way then get a a divorce with your h... i also would suggest you get some marriage counseling

[SunnySG]

I am sitting here in my living room - husband is upstairs - and I feel for you, I do... because my "situation" is slightly similar.

Here is why (I may cringe writing about myself....the truth hurts):

 

My husband is a great guy. He has his issues, of course which drive me crazy, and some quarks I am not able to overcome - BUT a great guy none-the-less.

We were married 3 1/2 years ago - I remember when he proposed (I was 22) and sitting there hesitating. But of course I said yes. We had our issues as an engaged couple, but the wedding went on as planned.

 

Before my husband, I dated 2 guys. Both within one year, and I was a virgin when I met my husband. I just wasn't "that kind of girl." Truthfully, I never really came out of my shell until after college (which my mom had predicted during the earlier years....). We were married and moved 1500 miles from my hometown. Built a home. Lived in it for 2 years, then moved the 1500 miles BACK to my hometown. My parents love, love, love my husband who is a full-time student (from which I also harbor a little resentment - as our problems get discussed continuously without my knowledge since they are usually together while I work). Since we moved back, we fight about everthing: his family, my family, sex (I am not sexually attracted to him anymore), the fact that he 'let himself go' since we moved back to town, his schooling - I can't even ask him what grades he's getting and he blows up, he isn't reliable (I once waited for him to show up at home to take me to a friends wedding; when he didn't show up after waiting 2 hours, I went to the wedding alone, missing everthing but the reception - turns out he went drinking with my older brother and "What's the big deal?") - it's laughable, really.

 

We have no children.... and realistically, it's because I don't want to be tied down "just in case..."

 

But those are just surface issues....

 

For the past - oh, I'd say year - I have been constantly asking myself "Do I Really Love Him?" or am I just staying in this relationship because:

My parents love him

My parents invested a large amount of money in us

He has enourmous potential in his choosen field and I support us financially while he is in school

I am a people pleaser afraid of confrontation

I - in a way - feel responsible for his future

 

But here are the issues I'm dealing with similar to yours"

I have never cheated on my husband. But lately, I have run across "the boy next door" who I grew up with and had a terrible, terrible crush on from young on. We have bumped into each other in the oddest places. My heart races and I get nervous and flirty - I have NEVER been a flirt in the past. I flirt with this man.

I daydream about him in my car and will him to appear when I am in town doing errands/am at work. Rediculous. He has also admitted that I am the One That Got Away and I have to shake the feathers out of my brain to get control. I am not unrealistic: I don't even know if we have anything in common, if we're compatible (other than the underlined sexual tension) after not having seen each other all these years....

 

Again, this man entered my life AFTER my feelings began to change for my husband. Not as a catalsyt for the change.

 

But I wonder:

Am I ruining this marriage because I am talking myself out of it? We have been to a marriage retreat - and we fought 80% of the time when other couples were hugging and kissing.

Am I in this for me, or for everyone else? If something happened and he left tomorrow, I am not sure I would really... mind. I feel like a jerk, but I still don't know what I want.......

 

What do I make of this situation?

[bigbuffs]

I am also in a similar sitiuation, but on the other end. My wife has I guess fell out of love with me and she has started to pursue someone else. But, that is no answer. The pain she has put me through should never be thrust onto anyone. I feel you should both tell your H's how you feel. At 1st they will probably be angry, but once they see that this is a serious problem and you are willing to work things out, they should try to get help as well. Here is something a MC sent me as an e-mail. It's advice I think all should take:

 

"EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning,you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called “falling” in love…because it's

happening TO YOU.

 

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept of my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression.

It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU. Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

 

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

 

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE

IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

 

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work."