Author xxirynaxx Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 OP, how do you feel being a mistress? What if the wife doesn't know? How do you feel about hurting a fellow woman? If you have no problems shacking up with a married man, why not bring it all forward and ask to meet the wife to see if she is okay with the arrangement? Because I would rather not create unnecessary drama in their marriage. It may be one thing she is resigned to his cheating, and she may be ok with it; that doesn't mean she wants it thrown in her face, either.
CloudyHead Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 You need to run . . .end the relationship as quickly as you can. At age 39 I started an affair with a MM who was 55. Initially, he said he was separated . . . He gave a good story about how much alimony he was paying and property division. Turns out . . .he was married. But . . .I continued on . . I heard that the marriage is over, it had been over, they slept in separate beds, she didn't love him anymore. So . . I called his wife (told MM I was calling her). Believe me, her story was completely different . . .in fact when he was telling me that he was talking to her about ending the marriage, she said none of that talk had actually happened and they had spent the weekend on vacation together. MM did leave his wife and we started a relationship . . . which had just ended because he met someone else. I know that when you are in the cocoon of an affair, it is all about love, feeling good, "crying" over how one wishes life was different, etc etc. It is all an act for him. I would be willing to bet he is a sex addict and a narcissist. He is telling you just enough "bad" things about himself to create a false sense that you can "trust" him (I mean, come on, who admits to multiple affairs unless a purpose is to be served). Take from someone sitting on the other end of the road . . . If you continue forward with this relationship, you will have years of walking on eggshells and doubt . . .He will discard you at the end and your self-esteem will be in tatters. 2
anika99 Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 If he says his marriage is over and his wife knows the marriage is over too, then why are they still married? I thought a marriage is over when the participants divorce or at the very least separate. Would you go to work everyday and declare that "this job is over" but still show up every single day to that same job year after year? If you did that you would sound like a bloody idiot. 3
MayorChapstick Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Hi OP. I am very sorry for your pain. It does sound to me like this man is manipulating you and that he's a serial cheater who will only hurt you in the end (and perhaps pass along STDs from other women he is cheating with). I do have a question though. In 2012 you posted a thread in which you said you were 30 years old, and yet here, 3 years later, you also say you are 30. Can you please clarify? I apologize for calling you out, I'm just wondering because age seems to be an important factor for you as you mention it in more than one post.
Author xxirynaxx Posted December 9, 2015 Author Posted December 9, 2015 Hi OP. I am very sorry for your pain. It does sound to me like this man is manipulating you and that he's a serial cheater who will only hurt you in the end (and perhaps pass along STDs from other women he is cheating with). I do have a question though. In 2012 you posted a thread in which you said you were 30 years old, and yet here, 3 years later, you also say you are 30. Can you please clarify? I apologize for calling you out, I'm just wondering because age seems to be an important factor for you as you mention it in more than one post. I am a little paranoid about identifying information, and I feel like exact age qualifies. Maybe I am being too sensitive about it, but I would be horrified if someone I knew IRL recognized me from these posts. So, both in 2012 and 2015, I am older than 26 and younger than 34. I felt 30 was a good "ballpark age."
Eighty_nine Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Let's say he's telling the truth. That would mean that even though he's been unhappy and had other affairs for years, he still hasn't left the marriage. why would he leave for you?
MayorChapstick Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I am a little paranoid about identifying information, and I feel like exact age qualifies. Maybe I am being too sensitive about it, but I would be horrified if someone I knew IRL recognized me from these posts. So, both in 2012 and 2015, I am older than 26 and younger than 34. I felt 30 was a good "ballpark age." Fair enough Well I hope things work out for you. You're obviously young and vibrant enough to find someone else regardless. Don't waste time on this loser!
ladydesigner Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I met a guy recently, and we really hit is off. Hes 25 years older than me. I am 30 and he is 55. The age difference doesn’t matter to me, because age is relative,and we have a lot in common. He never said he wasn’t married, but when his advances became sexual, I did some digging and found he does indeed have a wife of 32 years. I asked him about it and he said, basically, that he and his wife just live in the same house, and that they don’t have a romantic relationship anymore. Our friendship became sexual, but I still felt guilty. He spends most of his time with me. If we’re not together we’re texting or emailing. The attraction cannot be denied. But the thought still lingers – what about his wife? I have asked him about her, and he always says the same or similar things: Their marriage is over, they sleep in separate rooms, they haven’t had sex in over 6 years. He also said she wouldn’t mind if she knew about me, because she knows the marriage is over.This is standard MM speak straight from the cheater's handbook. Keep reading here, you will read that MM say this quite often and it usually is not true. He has also told me I’m not the first mistress he’s had. Based on various things he has said, I would guess he has had several. My question is Do you think what he has said about his wife is accurate? I am starting to fear she would be deeply hurt if she knew, and that maybe she has just accepted he is a serial cheater and decided to stay with him for other reasons. My greatest fear is that she still loves him, and that indirectly, I am breaking her heart. This could very well be the case if she has no idea of any A's her WH has had. Please, I do not need or want judgments, castigations, or chidings. Just thoughts / feedback. My responses in bold. The only way you would know anything your MM is telling you is true would be to talk to the wife (which it seems you won't be doing so you will never know the answer to this).
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 I am a little paranoid about identifying information, and I feel like exact age qualifies. Maybe I am being too sensitive about it, but I would be horrified if someone I knew IRL recognized me from these posts. So, both in 2012 and 2015, I am older than 26 and younger than 34. I felt 30 was a good "ballpark age." Do you want a family, children of your own one day? If so, then think about ending your A. It's going no where and the longer you invest in him the more you're going to fall deeper for him making it harder to end as time goes on. You're wasting your time on someone who is never leaving and divorcing his wife and due to his age, it's very doubtful he'll want to start over and have more children If he does leave/divorce.
alphamale Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 The age difference doesn’t matter to me, because age is relative, bull**** its relative 1
Samhain Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 "but what about his wife?" What about her? You have already said that you want nothing serious and are aware he will never leave his wife, and you don't want to cause drama by either speaking to her or pressing further on the matter.. So what can anybody here say? 50 is certainly "older" but it's not OLD. So if you believe he has no sex with his wife at all, then I feel you are being naive. People who have mistresses are usually interested in the excitement of the chase, the initial sexual addiction, and then it becomes familiar and boring. Well, they have a marriage that is familiar and boring too, but they stay in these marriages because they are content and comfortable with the person they have grown older with and raised a family with. The mistress on the other hand is expendable. Which will be why he's had "several" and you are one in a long string that won't end at your feet either. It's not a hard concept to grasp really. You feel slight guilt for a wife who may or may not be turning a blind eye to her husbands multiple affairs, but not enough to stop you from continuing. It will run its course by itself when he tires of you and moves on to the next piece of excitement. It would be less degrading to you if you ended it long before that though.
burnt Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 OP, how do you feel being a mistress? If you have no problems shacking up with a married man, why not bring it all forward and ask to meet the wife to see if she is okay with the arrangement? Because I would rather not create unnecessary drama in their marriage. It may be one thing she is resigned to his cheating, and she may be ok with it; that doesn't mean she wants it thrown in her face, either. Maybe that drama is necessary: Bring it up to his wife and ask her if it's ok with her for her husband to keep a mistress on the side. outcome #1: wife says she's ok--you and MM can continue without any worries and boundaries. outcome #2: wife says she's not ok and finds out that her husband has been cheating all these years again and again, then you will be thanked for exposing his lies and wife will have a fair chance to decide how she wants to deal with it. If you truly are concerned about the wife, then come clean--it's only fair that she knows what her married spouse is doing. She should have a say in it too--don't you think?
burnt Posted December 9, 2015 Posted December 9, 2015 Companionship; sex; no threat of commitment. We genuinely enjoy spending time together. In fact, when the sex / romantic aspect subsides, I suspect we will stay friends. Have you considered the possibility that after a while, being in this strictly FWB arrangement with him, you MAY get attached and start wanting a life with him? You may not feel this way now, but IF you do, can you imagine what kind of heartbreak you're setting yourself up for?
Author xxirynaxx Posted December 10, 2015 Author Posted December 10, 2015 Thanks to everyone who took the time to response. I guess now I have two follow-up questions. 1. When (at this point, I don't think it's an "if" anymore) I decided to stop this affair, do you think I should / can remain friends with this guy? He has said he would like that, because we both acknowledge the romantic element of our relationship will probably not endure. 2. Also, should I tell his wife what happened, or is that a bad idea? On the one hand, I think she deserves to know, if she doesn't already; on the other, like I said earlier, I feel telling her will just provoke unnecessary heartache for all concerned. Thanks.
gettingstronger Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 No, you can not be friends- at least not anytime soon- If you decide to disclose to the wife you must be ready to walk away clean and not intrude in their lives- 1
still_an_Angel Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Thanks to everyone who took the time to response. I guess now I have two follow-up questions. 1. When (at this point, I don't think it's an "if" anymore) I decided to stop this affair, do you think I should / can remain friends with this guy? He has said he would like that, because we both acknowledge the romantic element of our relationship will probably not endure. 2. Also, should I tell his wife what happened, or is that a bad idea? On the one hand, I think she deserves to know, if she doesn't already; on the other, like I said earlier, I feel telling her will just provoke unnecessary heartache for all concerned. Thanks. If you remain friends with your MM you've still got a window open for the A to re-start. I think that if you've decided to walk away then you shouldn't look back. Clean cut is the way to go in this situation. As for your second Q I stand on the "do-not-tell" camp. This whole A is messy enough without including more pain and mess by telling BW. What is the outcome that you desire by telling her? Would she believe you? He will do his best to protect his M and paint you as a deranged woman out to ruin his M. 2
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Thanks to everyone who took the time to response. I guess now I have two follow-up questions. 1. When (at this point, I don't think it's an "if" anymore) I decided to stop this affair, do you think I should / can remain friends with this guy? He has said he would like that, because we both acknowledge the romantic element of our relationship will probably not endure. 2. Also, should I tell his wife what happened, or is that a bad idea? On the one hand, I think she deserves to know, if she doesn't already; on the other, like I said earlier, I feel telling her will just provoke unnecessary heartache for all concerned. Thanks. No you can't be friends with him, that will keep your feelings alive, preventing you from totally getting over him as well as it'll just be an EA. Also it's not good for his marriage and what he feels towards his wife. No contact has to happen for you both to move on. If you tell her, OWN your part in the affair and apologize for your part in it by helping him betray her and their family.
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 No, you can not be friends- at least not anytime soon- If you decide to disclose to the wife you must be ready to walk away clean and not intrude in their lives- Though I'll add, if you tell her, be prepared to hear from her and be ready to answer questions she may have regarding the affair and her husband. Are you strong enough to handle the fallout? She may or may not want to blow your world up by contacting your family or friends, exposing the A. Or she may never want to talk to you at all. Just be ready for anything.
Ms. Faust Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 bull**** its relative I gotta agree, that vast of an age difference makes it relative. No, you can't be friends. I am in the camp of telling the spouse, or at least sending an anonymous letter.
bathtub-row Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 Yes, he's lying to you but you're actually asking the wrong question. The question you should be asking is, "Will he leave his marriage for you, or for any reason?" And to save you the suspense, no he is not going to leave his marriage. This is why he "lied" to you about being married. I know he fessed up when you asked, but his actions lied to you. The cold truth is, this "connection" the two of you have will mean nothing to him if it comes to choosing between you and his marriage. At this stage in your life, you're not smart enough to see what he's doing. However, after he burns you bad enough, it's a lesson you're not likely to forget. You're making the biggest mistake of your life and you have no idea you're doing it. Aside from that, I can't even fathom why you would choose to be with a man who admits to having one affair after another. That alone would be a dealbreaker for me.
Samhain Posted December 10, 2015 Posted December 10, 2015 No, you should not remain friends. It leaves too much temptation and familiarity. One of the hardest parts of any break up is losing the friendship element but we have to deal with it. It is a moving on preventative and does you no favors. In my opinion, no you should not tell his wife. Yes she does deserve to know, but it is up to him to tell her. One thing I've learned in a very short period of time from the different women on here is that females are very far from stupid when it comes to wayward husbands/partners, even when the man believes he is showing no signs at all. You are not his first nor will you be his last, by your own words these affairs have been going on years. I will bet you all I own that his wife knows a lot more than you think or wonder she does. Leave the situation altogether and don't look back. 1
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