Will it ever stop hurting? Will the affair leave my mind?

[Mylenie]

I will try and make it short but detailed.

 

5 years ago my husband cheated on me. It took 2 -3 years to almost get over it but not completely but after 2 years I had stopped talking about it.

 

2 months ago I found out he was back with the same woman. It hurts daily, I find myself crying daily. He gave me his reasons why he cheated and all of it was my fault. 1st time he cheated with this woman he said it was because I was controlling and disrespectful. this time he said its because I am not supportive, I don't have confidence, I am clingy, I don't let him be free in the relationship, I expect things to happen my way on my own watch. I should add that when we met I was 145lbs and now I am 220lbs. I have 3 children and my recent pregnancy last year was with a set of twins. The pregnancies and weight gain have changed my body completely. I have stretch marks everywhere and an apron belly. I am working on the weight loss though.

 

I have also checked myself. yes I have no self confidence whatsoever, and yes I get very angry when I ask him to do something and it takes 3 months and eventually I have to shout for it to be done or do it myself. I asked him why he never does anything I ask him to do he said its a form of retaliation because I always want things done my way.

 

I should also add that the biggest issue in our marriage is that what ever I ask my husband to do he will never do until I fight or do it myself, and this causes a lot of resentment from me. This is from simple things such as changing globes, handling finances, pickup times, almost everything, communicating in general, he just refuses.And I also should add that I at 1st I do it with the utmost respect, especially after being blamed for his infidelity the 1st time. And I give it time. for example. Our bathroom light broke over a year ago, our bedroom light broke over a month ago, our living room lights needs globe changing. Our taps are leaking. I asked once for the bathroom light in the nicest of ways " baby can you take care of this?" I am assuming he is seeing this as well. He still hasn't. When I confronted him about the affair and he said I want things to happen in my own time I snapped and said like the bathroom light that broke over a year ago which I would have loved to be fixed that very same year.... Maybe I am asking for too much.

 

Then I decided to change a globe I have been asking him to change for over 4 months. Which is a problem to him because while we were discussing the cause of the affair he mentions that I do not give him time to act, I ask and if it doesn't happen I do it myself. I asked it how long was I supposed to wait in the dark for him to change a globe if 4 months was not enough time for him.

 

Basically our home is falling apart if I don't do anything. So is our finances. And my complaining or mentioning these things causes him to cheat because I am disrespectful, yet he refuses to do them without the words "I wont"

 

So we decided to work on the marriage. He said he is staying because we cant throw away 11 years of our relationship, and there's kids to think about. I said I am staying because I love him. I am still trying to find a valid reason to stay beside love.

 

Now I have a few issues

 

1. We decided to seek help. Individually to deal with my own issues and with him his own issues and after that we can seek marriage counselling for the 90th time. I immediately contacted a therapist and started seeing them, he is still looking for a therapist. ( I don't think he will find one unless I find one for him, I don't think he will make an appointment unless I make it for him, I don't think he will even go unless I cry about it again).

 

I decided I will not help him find one because the 1st one I contacted was clear about not helping people who don't want help. He said I cant make an appointment for him. If he wanted to get help he would fight hard to get it.

 

2. He refuses to delete the girls number from his phone. and I had to force him to unfollow the girl on social media, again.

 

3. the 1st time he never broke up with the girl, after I found out he started ignoring the girls calls or messages. And because it was not a closed chapter they hooked up again 5 years later.

 

4. The girl aborted his child 5 years ago and he blames me for it. He says I never even allowed him to mourn his child. This is the same wife who after I was told the ex mistress is pregnant I accepted the child. We had long talked about the affair, about the mistress, I was there for him on the day the girl went to clinic, but that was not enough. I find it hard to get over this blame.

 

5. Though we had a lengthy discussion about him changing his attitude towards my request, he still doesn't do anything. He fell sick and I kindly suggested that he see the Dr, He wont, I stopped myself today from asking why he is not going to the Dr because he is still sick with the fear of being controlling. None of the things that needs fixing in the house have ben done. I am not living in fear. If I get a plumber I am impatient with him, If I ask him I want things to happen in my own time, same with an electrician, same with getting and installing globes for the living room

 

 

The fact that I am constantly leaving in fear of if I do this he will cheat, I still have to deal with the emotional pain of being betrayed more than once. And I am also not supposed to deal with it in public, I cant talk to him about it because he says I refuse to let it go. And I cant handle the truth.

 

It is also so easy to say leave... Where do I take 3 kids to? I am financially stable so this is not about finances. Why does the thought of leaving him also hurts? Should leaving be a relief to me? I am constantly crying, I feel my marriage is very toxic. I feel the only way to save it is for him to commit to getting help. But I am also wondering if he will ever get help.

 

 

2.

[beach]

Yes, leaving should be a relief for you.

 

You can't change others. He's not changing so you have your answer.

 

The change comes from you.

[TaraMaiden2]

OK, Mylinie, let me give you a word of advice.

 

Take a look at your first post, and read it to yourself, as if you were reading a post submitted by a complete, unknown stranger.

You have no idea who she is, all you see is the words on the screen.

 

What would your comment to her, be?

What would you say to her, about her continued tolerance and submission to her husband's behaviour?

What would your opinion of her be?

What would you think of her decisions, up to now?

 

I don't remember reading about anyone else ever putting up with the amount of abuse you've dealt with, in their marriage.

And to be brutally honest, you're acting like a weak incapable little doormat, with no willpower of her own, and it's teaching your kids all the wrong things about marriage, fidelity, dignity and integrity.

 

Yes, it's easy to tell you to leave, because guess what?

It's easy for you to leave.

You say you're financially independent and that it wouldn't be a hurdle for you.

If you've organised everything else in life, you can organise this.

 

Read your message, and tell the woman in the first post what to do.

Because you know what that is.

[minimariah]

my honest opinion - he WILL leave the marriage eventually. he is already checked out, probably has feelings for the girl & refuses to give her up -- while he is buying time, instead of working on the marriage... he is probably planning his final way out.

 

so it's really about which one of you will leave first. i don't think you have anything worth saving anymore in that marriage and "kids + many years together" isn't a good enough reason -- especially when he doesn't take care or helps around the house.

 

so my advice - start planning your way out, looking for support from family and friends, looking for another place to live if you don't want to stay in your current location, you're good with money and... file for divorce.

[katielee]

None of this is your fault and he's blaming his own crappy behavior on you because he can't face it or doesn't want to. People don't cheat because their spouse is overweight. But WS will use anything to justify their behavior and his is reprehensible. You didn't allow him to mourn the death of his baby with another woman? Please. Kick him out, get yourself together and live a very good life without him. Because he doesnt' deserve you.

[Ladyjane14]

If he's still behaving the same way he was during the affair, blaming you for his actions, refusing to show remorse or make amends, refusing to delete contact information... then he's STILL having an affair.

 

You have to be utterly willing to end the marriage if there's going to be any chance at saving it. Until he actually comes to the table, there's no discussion to be had. You're 11 years in. Wanna know how it feels to triple that time? Because I assure you, you'll never get a minute of it back.

 

Time marches on. And under the current conditions, this guy is wasting yours.

[privategal]

Cant you and the kids just rent a nice little place and make a new start?

[sandylee1]

I suggest that you :

 

Stop shouting at him

You try and get your finances in order

- You get a good social life for yourself

- You go walking for exercise and to clear your head

- You find time for a hobby.. a regular weekly one.. where you leave

the house on the same day weekly and get out while he's with the

kids. Find a sitter if he refuses

- Let him see that you are able to live without him

- Stop telling him that you love him

[sandylee1]

You won't get over it as he's not remorseful.

Just blaming you is downright unacceptable. It's time you stop being so nice to him.

 

If you can change a globe.. do it..don't wait for him.

If there's a job you can't do... get a handyman and pay. If he asks.. just say it needed doing.. I had someone over to do it.

 

In time your husband will start to feel like he serves no purpose and change..... if he doesn't then you need to decide how much longer you want to be married to him.

 

It's also time to 180. Use what serves your needs best. But as you grow in confidence... he'll notice and the only problem is you may no longer want such selfish man. ... he'll be begging for a third chance.

 

Also ask yourself what your dealbreaker is in the marriage.. how many times will you forgive. 2, 3, 4 or 20. Tell him.. that any more affairs and you're done.

 

It's madness that you would scurry round him and his mistress after she got pregnant... going to the clinic.. you are waaaayyyy to accommodating and he knows it. So he takes advantage of it...thinking you will NEVER leave him.

 

You need to make him think that you will. Personally I'd leave some divorce literature discreetly placed and other stuff like child support advice. Stuff like divorce support group phone numbers.

He gets the fun of extra marital sex.. you could have done that and what would he think.

 

Get tough..real quick or he will have more affairs and that's assuming he hasn't ended this one or that it ended at all.

 

Does he want an open marriage? I bet you being with another man won't go down so well will it.

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say “I Love You”.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

[Ladyjane14]

You know, years ago, I believed the 180 was a useful practice. But when you're actually still living with a wandering spouse... they just take it as tacit permission to continue cheating.

 

Sorry to be such a downer so early in the morning. But these days, I think the 180 is only useful when you're done and when the wayward is out of your home.

[Methodical]

Clearly you feel emotionally bludgeoned by your husband's actions. The truth hurts, but you must want honest opinions and support or you wouldn't be here.

 

Affairs aren't black and white. There's a lot of gray matter that shades the actions and reactions. I've learned there are a lot of AP (OW/OM) that have been fed lies that they were separated, etc., yet that wasn't the case. In those situations, it's sad for both the BS and the AP because both have been duped by the offender.

 

There is no telling what your husband is telling the OW that keeps her clinging to a man who impregnated her and obviously supported, and maybe even suggested/demanded an abortion. I can't imagine her clinging to a man who isn't promising her something...like he is in the process of leaving you, getting his finances in order, making sure his children are protected/understand...point being he is probably feeding her a line of bull crap too.

 

On the flip side of the coin, he is emotionally abusing you by blaming HIS behavior on you, which shows he is not willing to accept responsibility for his actions. Berating you by saying you are: controlling (obviously you aren't controlling or you wouldn't "allow" him to have an affair), you are demanding (again, bull crap since he can't manage menial tasks like changing a globe that takes only a few minutes), and the list goes on.

 

He is working on your psychological being, convincing you that you are responsible for his inadequate behavior. To a degree, he has been successful because you tried to be more supportive, but supportive does not mean being a doormat, and that's what you are doing - allowing him to trample on you while he goes about his day, cheating and lying to you and probably AP.

 

My guess is that as long as you are willing to continue down this same path, he'll put up with some bitching and moaning. IMO, he will say whatever is necessary to tear down your self-esteem because that will keep you at bay. In his mind, leaving means paying out child support. IDK your financial situation, but you state finances aren't an issue. Maybe it is for him though, because if you divorce more than likely he will have to pay child support. As things stand now, he has his cake and is eating it too, and the only fallout is him enduring an argument. Meanwhile, you are dealing with much more than that. He isn't concerned about your welfare, otherwise, he wouldn't continue seeking relationships outside the marriage and put no effort into repairing the marriage.

 

You and your children deserve better than a man who is there part-time and does very little to maintain the roof above your heads.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You know, years ago, I believed the 180 was a useful practice. But when you're actually still living with a wandering spouse... they just take it as tacit permission to continue cheating.

 

Sorry to be such a downer so early in the morning. But these days, I think the 180 is only useful when you're done and when the wayward is out of your home.

 

The 180 is a game. It may yield results sometimes but after one gets the results they want, they still have to deal with the original problems.

 

Also, sometimes cheating results due IN PART to a BS who has been living the 180 for quite sometime (or worse yet they are abusive, discover the 180 and learn to use it as part of their abuse routine) and doesn't realize it, meaning there are people who pretty much ignore their spouse, spouse cheats, then they try the 180 only to push the spouse further away than ever. I've seen this happen and divorce result.

 

Sometimes the BS gets results quickly with the 180 but they are not long lasting. There are probably instances where the 180 seems to work but it's a tactic, not a solution, to problems in a marriage.

 

I have also seen control freaks who are not sensitive in understanding the 180 learn about it, use it, learn to love it and destroy the marriage with it.

 

OP, a marriage is not a game. Don't use a tactic to try to manipulate it.

 

My advice is to leave your husband because he is mistreating you terribly. Take care of yourself. Your husband may or may not decide to pursue you and try to save the relationship but don't leave him in hopes that he will, leave him to save yourself.

[sandylee1]

You know, years ago, I believed the 180 was a useful practice. But when you're actually still living with a wandering spouse... they just take it as tacit permission to continue cheating.

 

Sorry to be such a downer so early in the morning. But these days, I think the 180 is only useful when you're done and when the wayward is out of your home.

 

The 180 isn't to win your spouse back.. it's to prepare for a life without them and emotionally detach... so you don't give a damn about what they do and so that you can stand independently on your own. It gives you the strength to realise you can live without them happily.

 

With the OPs husband still so unremorseful. ... she needs to stand strong . Stop acting like a wife by cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry.. tell him to take them to his OW or do it himself .

 

IN SHORT - START PLAYING HARDBALL AND GET TOUGH.

[Mylenie]

My job is more stable than his and I also honestly think he is only staying with me for financial stability. If I leave he wont be able to do much. He says he is not man enough because he doesn't make as much money as me, and if he is unable to assist with the bills why should he bother with the little things around the house. He says cheating boosts the ego that I bruised. I never fight over money that is not there. I only talk about money when he has money because I don't want to "bruise his ego". But he says I do. He cheated because I belittle him. I belittle him when I ask him to reduce certain spending because we cant afford it, or when I would feel he is unreasonable to only think about his plans with regards to using the car, as we have only one. And my plans have to always be put aside.

 

Clearly you feel emotionally bludgeoned by your husband's actions. The truth hurts, but you must want honest opinions and support or you wouldn't be here.

 

Affairs aren't black and white. There's a lot of gray matter that shades the actions and reactions. I've learned there are a lot of AP (OW/OM) that have been fed lies that they were separated, etc., yet that wasn't the case. In those situations, it's sad for both the BS and the AP because both have been duped by the offender.

 

There is no telling what your husband is telling the OW that keeps her clinging to a man who impregnated her and obviously supported, and maybe even suggested/demanded an abortion. I can't imagine her clinging to a man who isn't promising her something...like he is in the process of leaving you, getting his finances in order, making sure his children are protected/understand...point being he is probably feeding her a line of bull crap too.

 

On the flip side of the coin, he is emotionally abusing you by blaming HIS behavior on you, which shows he is not willing to accept responsibility for his actions. Berating you by saying you are: controlling (obviously you aren't controlling or you wouldn't "allow" him to have an affair), you are demanding (again, bull crap since he can't manage menial tasks like changing a globe that takes only a few minutes), and the list goes on.

 

He is working on your psychological being, convincing you that you are responsible for his inadequate behavior. To a degree, he has been successful because you tried to be more supportive, but supportive does not mean being a doormat, and that's what you are doing - allowing him to trample on you while he goes about his day, cheating and lying to you and probably AP.

 

My guess is that as long as you are willing to continue down this same path, he'll put up with some bitching and moaning. IMO, he will say whatever is necessary to tear down your self-esteem because that will keep you at bay. In his mind, leaving means paying out child support. IDK your financial situation, but you state finances aren't an issue. Maybe it is for him though, because if you divorce more than likely he will have to pay child support. As things stand now, he has his cake and is eating it too, and the only fallout is him enduring an argument. Meanwhile, you are dealing with much more than that. He isn't concerned about your welfare, otherwise, he wouldn't continue seeking relationships outside the marriage and put no effort into repairing the marriage.

 

You and your children deserve better than a man who is there part-time and does very little to maintain the roof above your heads.

[Mylenie]

I want to give this a try because I think I am not ready to be alone. I am not emotionally ready to let go. And this might help. But the I love you part...... Do I say I love you too when he says I love you?

 

I think my biggest issue is the affair, I want to bring it up all the time, sometimes we would be with friends and someone will mention a man who is cheating on their wives and I will go on about what a fool that woman is for staying or does that man even think of the pain he is causing his wife. I find every reason to mention it. Maybe because it hurts that bad.

 

Another thing is, its holiday season, we have so many invitations and I feel like if I tell him I don't want to go I will not only be rude but he will take someone else / or wont cos he swears they are over, but I will be thinking he is enjoying himself while I am crying at home with the kids.

 

 

 

 

You won't get over it as he's not remorseful.

Just blaming you is downright unacceptable. It's time you stop being so nice to him.

 

If you can change a globe.. do it..don't wait for him.

If there's a job you can't do... get a handyman and pay. If he asks.. just say it needed doing.. I had someone over to do it.

 

In time your husband will start to feel like he serves no purpose and change..... if he doesn't then you need to decide how much longer you want to be married to him.

 

It's also time to 180. Use what serves your needs best. But as you grow in confidence... he'll notice and the only problem is you may no longer want such selfish man. ... he'll be begging for a third chance.

 

Also ask yourself what your dealbreaker is in the marriage.. how many times will you forgive. 2, 3, 4 or 20. Tell him.. that any more affairs and you're done.

 

It's madness that you would scurry round him and his mistress after she got pregnant... going to the clinic.. you are waaaayyyy to accommodating and he knows it. So he takes advantage of it...thinking you will NEVER leave him.

 

You need to make him think that you will. Personally I'd leave some divorce literature discreetly placed and other stuff like child support advice. Stuff like divorce support group phone numbers.

He gets the fun of extra marital sex.. you could have done that and what would he think.

 

Get tough..real quick or he will have more affairs and that's assuming he hasn't ended this one or that it ended at all.

 

Does he want an open marriage? I bet you being with another man won't go down so well will it.

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say “I Love You”.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

[sandylee1]

With you being more financially stable... even more reason to not accept his behaviour. He's using excuses to cheat. I suggest you seperate your finances. Have 3 accounts... One joint and two individual. Put the amount of money for the bills in the joint account and he should too, then your solo account is for you.

 

Do not fund your husband having affairs.

 

He's not the breadwinner .. but wants to feel more of a man by having sex outside.

 

OP I'm gonna play devils advocate here.... bear with me....

 

I don't know if you do belittle him. But men who earn less than the wife can feel inferior.

 

One of my brothers actuality said he would never marry a woman who earned more than him.. because women can get 'funny' when they earn more. ... Funny in how they speak to you, send you on messages like an errand boy etc....... and my brother is not sexist at all. His view is that the power of the money goes to SOME women's head and as women are not usually in that position..they don't handle it well. TBH ... I knew exactly what he meant.

 

So just examine your conscience and check if you have made him feel like less of a man in the way you ask him to do things, in how you generally speak to him and in showing respect to him as a husband. The male ego is fragile.

 

A little test would be.. if (assuming you had one) your sister in law spoke to your brother, the way you speak to your husband..

would you like it?

Would you think she respected him?

Would you feel comfortable with what you see?

 

If your husband is TRULY REMORSEFUL have him sign a post nuptial agreement with an infidelity clause. Any more cheating and no spousal support in the divorce. A refusal to sign this is a guarantee he'll cheat again. Otherwise he'll jump at the chance.

[katielee]

He cheated because I belittle him.

 

no. he cheated because he doesn't know how to handle pain. so, your actions determine his as if he has no choices for himself? Wow, he's really put you in a powerful position in his life, he can't even make his own decisions...

[Mylenie]

But does that give you a reason to punish your wife by cheating on them. Lets say that I was disrespectful or belittled him, why not leave then, why not leave a disrespectful wife and be happy with your girlfriend, why cheat? I could have easily cheated with a rich man and came up with an excuse that he wasn't taking care of me as much as I would have loved. Would have that been fair.

 

I asked him to give me an example of times I was disrespectful. Some if these I agree with and some I don't. But I wont state which ones because I don't want to make excuses for myself

 

1. When we fight about anything you always bring in the money

2. You always use the car against me because you pay for it

3. You told me you are a bread winner

4. You want me to report all my financial decisions to you because you make more money

5. When you are frustrated with bills you cant control your tongue, you go on and on endlessly and that destroys me

6. You never seize the opportunity to tell me what your friends husband has done for them, which says to me im a failure

6. You make loans without consulting me then whe I have a little bit of money you tell me about the loan you made to bail us out last month.

 

Yes I would get loans to pay for our lights that are switched off, I would make loans to pay for a house or a car that is about to get repossessed and the reason I would not tell him is because of how he feels after I tell him we are loosing this or that, it would crash him. So I chose to say nothing. I am justifying this because I did it in my small mind to protect his ego.

 

Before the 1st infidelity, I was disrespectful with regards to the money issue. But after that I became so careful. and even when he started cheating were not fighting over money, he were going through a very bad financial patch, we still are. And I must add that he is also very irresponsible with money and most of the time my disrespectful shouts wouldn't be about how much I make it would be about how he spends the little he makes. He forgets that I have been taking care of everyone and only remembers his needs not mine and not ours.

 

With you being more financially stable... even more reason to not accept his behaviour. He's using excuses to cheat. I suggest you seperate your finances. Have 3 accounts... One joint and two individual. Put the amount of money for the bills in the joint account and he should too, then your solo account is for you.

 

Do not fund your husband having affairs.

 

He's not the breadwinner .. but wants to feel more of a man by having sex outside.

 

OP I'm gonna play devils advocate here.... bear with me....

 

I don't know if you do belittle him. But men who earn less than the wife can feel inferior.

 

One of my brothers actuality said he would never marry a woman who earned more than him.. because women can get 'funny' when they earn more. ... Funny in how they speak to you, send you on messages like an errand boy etc....... and my brother is not sexist at all. His view is that the power of the money goes to SOME women's head and as women are not usually in that position..they don't handle it well. TBH ... I knew exactly what he meant.

 

So just examine your conscience and check if you have made him feel like less of a man in the way you ask him to do things, in how you generally speak to him and in showing respect to him as a husband. The male ego is fragile.

 

A little test would be.. if (assuming you had one) your sister in law spoke to your brother, the way you speak to your husband..

would you like it?

Would you think she respected him?

Would you feel comfortable with what you see?

 

If your husband is TRULY REMORSEFUL have him sign a post nuptial agreement with an infidelity clause. Any more cheating and no spousal support in the divorce. A refusal to sign this is a guarantee he'll cheat again. Otherwise he'll jump at the chance.

[katielee]

Mylenie - you both need to realize that the marriage issues have nothing to do with the infidelity. that's a personal issue.

[Sandy43]

I think you are setting yourself up for more hurt down the road, reconciliation is hard even with a spouse who is doing all the right things. In your situation your spouse is blameshifting and takes no responsibility and has no remorse for what he has done. He is unwilling to remove this person from his life which means that when ever he feels like it he will start up with her again.

 

You have already been through the pain of his infidelity with him twice and it will happen again, are you prepared emotionally to keep dealing with more d-days?

[sandylee1]

Mylenie,

 

I'm not making excuses for him at all and you are right.......if he does not feel respected he can leave.

 

I suspect he doesn't leave because how many other women would support him financially? I personally would not enter a relationship supporting a man financially. If things change during the marriage that's different.

 

I am sorry for your situation. .. but you need him to know you really will divorce him or he won't shape up.

 

Has he suffered any consequences as a result of his affairs?

Did you expose him to family?

Did you expose the OW?

 

If he had no consequences.. why will he not repeat those actions. Otherwise he's had his enjoyment and nothing has happened as a result. You are his security and perhaps you should make it clear that the door is open for him to leave.

 

He wanted his ego boosted.... you could have had yours boosted with a nice rich man....that would have only deflated him.. you didn't do that. Perhaps he should be aware you could have chosen that route as well. Affairs don't solve anything.

 

You need your own nest egg, as he's spending your hard earned cash and perhaps he wouldn't be quite so attractive to his OW if he only has his money to manage.

 

Is he doing anything to better his career or earn more? Rather than wallowing in self pity and having affairs....putting your health at risk.

[qubist]

I want to give this a try because I think I am not ready to be alone. I am not emotionally ready to let go. And this might help. But the I love you part...... Do I say I love you too when he says I love you?

 

I think my biggest issue is the affair, I want to bring it up all the time, sometimes we would be with friends and someone will mention a man who is cheating on their wives and I will go on about what a fool that woman is for staying or does that man even think of the pain he is causing his wife. I find every reason to mention it. Maybe because it hurts that bad.

 

Another thing is, its holiday season, we have so many invitations and I feel like if I tell him I don't want to go I will not only be rude but he will take someone else / or wont cos he swears they are over, but I will be thinking he is enjoying himself while I am crying at home with the kids.

this explains your situation read what you wrote and you will see what need to do. It is nice that you want to save your marriage but you are doing it the wrong way which never ever works. the way you are doping it will only serve you more hurt and cheating I can guarantee it. You are weak and terribly lack self esteem and he knows it and using against you. it is a technique selfish people use and almost every cheater uses it's called " blame- shifting" he made you believe the you are the reason of all his cheating and disrespect. believe me you won't be able to reconcile or heal from this pain if you don't stop doing 2 things

1- STOP believing that you can't live happy without him, you and only you can provide you happiness.

2- stop accepting the blame shifting, he cheated because he is selfish and wanted to and he hasn't shown any little sign of regret or remorse which guarantee 100% he will do it again and again.

 

you allowed him to treat you like that by being too dependent on him emotionally. read about 180 plan it is designed for people like you. you have to stand for yourself, get a some professional help to address you lack of self esteem.

[miseenscene]

You have gotten some good advice and reality checks in previous responses, but I want to add something else to those. Everything you are describing about his behavior is textbook behavior of someone with PAPD -- passive-aggressive personality disorder (it had its own category in DSM-III and I think has been reclassified in the latest version -- it is also sometimes known as negativistic personality disorder). I know people are quick to armchair diagnose things like basic self-absorption and someone being a jerk as narcissism, but when I say textbook, I mean there are literally textbooks and that behavior is in it. I don't think I can include hyperlinks here, but do yourself a favor and read up on it. You are also playing the classic role the partner plays in such a marriage or partnership. You cannot change him but if you can recognize your role in this dynamic, you can get off the crazy ride.

[flowergirl14]

Have you checked out chump lady? She also has advice on how to leave a cheater. This isnt about you or your weight gain, or changing light bulbs. Your husbard is a disordered cheating f**tard who wants you and a gf on the side. One thing you come to realize is rich or poor, a doctor or a mechanic, beautiful or ugly. People cheat and that is about them. Every single marriage has problems, stress at one time or another. Did you cheat when times got stressful? Cheating is his choice. A wrong choice. Read the forums here and cl. Really listen and absorb the advice, wisdom of everyone who has been through this hell. A marriage doesnt commit infidelity thats on the person and that person alone.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I am very sorry you are enduring this. Many people succeed in reconciliation. Many others don't.

 

Personally, I have never known a woman that would be worth enduring that kind of protracted pain and effort.

 

Good luck.