Will it ever stop hurting? Will the affair leave my mind?

[ladydesigner]

I think you are setting yourself up for more hurt down the road, reconciliation is hard even with a spouse who is doing all the right things. In your situation your spouse is blameshifting and takes no responsibility and has no remorse for what he has done. He is unwilling to remove this person from his life which means that when ever he feels like it he will start up with her again.

 

You have already been through the pain of his infidelity with him twice and it will happen again, are you prepared emotionally to keep dealing with more d-days?

 

To the OP, the bolded above is very important. If these things are still happening you cannot R and are not in R. The A has to end, if it is not over you cannot save anything, hence why many are suggesting the 180 to you.

 

I get it, I really do. I wanted to try R after initial Dday and my WH and MOW kept breaking NC. I really didn't start implementing the 180 fully until after my False R and I am still hesitant to even call it R. I am still in limbo because I'm still not sure what I want. So far my WH has shown remorse and is doing everything he can, including owning the A.

[whichwayisup]

5 years ago my husband cheated on me. It took 2 -3 years to almost get over it but not completely but after 2 years I had stopped talking about it.

 

2 months ago I found out he was back with the same woman. It hurts daily, I find myself crying daily. He gave me his reasons why he cheated and all of it was my fault. 1st time he cheated with this woman he said it was because I was controlling and disrespectful. this time he said its because I am not supportive, I don't have confidence, I am clingy, I don't let him be free in the relationship, I expect things to happen my way on my own watch. I should add that when we met I was 145lbs and now I am 220lbs. I have 3 children and my recent pregnancy last year was with a set of twins. The pregnancies and weight gain have changed my body completely. I have stretch marks everywhere and an apron belly. I am working on the weight loss though.

I stopped reading after this.

 

DIVORCE THIS ASS.HOLE NOW!!!!!!!!!! He is an awful person and shame on him for betraying you a second time, let alone to blame you for his selfishness. THIS is all HIS fault, not yours. You didn't force him to cheat, he chose that all on his own.

 

You are great person who deserves a man who will love and adore only you, a man who will treat you with love, honour and respect. All traits your H the scumbag doesn't have.

 

Sorry you're hurting, I hope you rely on good friends and family to help you though this tough time.

[Joie]

I am sorry but it does not sound like he is invested in working on the marriage. It doesn't sound like the A is over.

[Mr Blunt]

Mylenie

You are in an extremely destructive marriage and as long as he will not take responsibility for his selfish betrayals there is no hope. Unless you make a plan for you and the children to stop the madness you will eventually be totally destroyed.

I know it is very hard but you have no choice. You have to do what is hard or you will be a door mat that will not be able to even do much for your children. Lots of women have DONE IT AND SO CAN YOU. You have some financial resources that many women do not so that will be one reason for you to be optimistic about you improving your life. You cannot afford to cry all the time and say that you love him. That may sound good but it will get you nowhere.

[66Charger]

I asked him to give me an example of times I was disrespectful. Some if these I agree with and some I don't. But I wont state which ones because I don't want to make excuses for myself

 

1. When we fight about anything you always bring in the money

2. You always use the car against me because you pay for it

3. You told me you are a bread winner

4. You want me to report all my financial decisions to you because you make more money

5. When you are frustrated with bills you cant control your tongue, you go on and on endlessly and that destroys me

6. You never seize the opportunity to tell me what your friends husband has done for them, which says to me im a failure

6. You make loans without consulting me then whe I have a little bit of money you tell me about the loan you made to bail us out last month.

I

 

Thats not a good list, doesnt excuse infidelity, but thats out of line

Edited December 10, 2015 by 66Charger

[sandylee1]

Just another thought ... I think you want to bring the affair up a lot because it was never dealt with properly at the time.

You feel you haven't got the right answers and he's using the finances as an excuse.. he feels entitled to have affairs.

 

It really gets me how fragile men can be. ...yet still think it's okay to hurt you and that you should just get over it.

 

If you forgive more than once.. The cheater will be very comfortable.. because there's no evidence that you are willing to end the marriage ... it's not just about him saying 11 years is a lot to throw away. .... He's the one throwing it away. You love him... but does he love you? You should find out and if not...While you're still able to... move on from this..so you can have a chance with a faithful man.

 

Protect yourself and your finances.

 

He has no idea how this hurts you.... if he did and he truly loved you.. he wouldn't do it. You can't keep getting knocked back with his infidelity.. I also think STD tests are advisable ... unless rivers and oceans seperate them.. it was or is a PA.

[Ladyjane14]

The 180 isn't to win your spouse back.. it's to prepare for a life without them and emotionally detach... so you don't give a damn about what they do and so that you can stand independently on your own. It gives you the strength to realise you can live without them happily.

 

With the OPs husband still so unremorseful. ... she needs to stand strong . Stop acting like a wife by cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry.. tell him to take them to his OW or do it himself .

 

IN SHORT - START PLAYING HARDBALL AND GET TOUGH.

 

I'd just drop-kick his ass to the curb.

 

There's no point in doing the 180 while he's in the home. Like I said earlier, it just gives him tacit permission to continue cheating and treating her like crap. This guy needs consequences.

[Mylenie]

I am afraid of checking for STDs, I always found it easy to check for HIV but this time it is so hard. I will check tomorrow.

 

 

Just another thought ..

 

Protect yourself and your finances.

 

He has no idea how this hurts you.... if he did and he truly loved you.. he wouldn't do it. You can't keep getting knocked back with his infidelity.. I also think STD tests are advisable ... unless rivers and oceans seperate them.. it was or is a PA.

[Mylenie]

So do I plan moving out without him being aware of it? I don't think I will be able to let him know, then try and move out. But then theres the children, do I just deroot them like that? It is so much harder with 3 kids and a nanny. I have 5 lives to think of with moving. I cant kick him out, I tried and he fought and said I am using the home against him because I pay for it. This was the day I found out about the cheating again. So I want him to stay with his house and his car.

 

 

I'd just drop-kick his ass to the curb.

 

There's no point in doing the 180 while he's in the home. Like I said earlier, it just gives him tacit permission to continue cheating and treating her like crap. This guy needs consequences.

[Mylenie]

If I were to justify some of these things, not changing how he feels about them but my reasons for doing / saying them

 

 

1. When we fight about anything you always bring in the money - Our fights are mainly about money if not all the time, even the cheating has to do with money or lack of.

 

2. You always use the car against me because you pay for it- Yes I said so you took the car I pay for and go see your .... I cant say girl/woman

3. You told me you are a bread winner - When I get paid I pay bills, when he gets paid the 1st thing he thinks of is normally his own needs, clothes, outings, and if I don't mention that we need to pay for something he wont pay for it, no if I don't mention it 5 times until we fight, he wont pay for it.

4. You want me to report all my financial decisions to you because you make more money - I want him to budget with me because we are married. I report what I do with my salary to him because he is my husband. It has nothing to d with how much I make

 

5. When you are frustrated with bills you cant control your tongue, you go on and on endlessly and that destroys me- No I cant control my tongue when stressed by bills.

6. You never seize the opportunity to tell me what your friends husband has done for them, which says to me im a failure - I was not aware that celebrating my friends new car bruises his ego. So I don't get excited for them infront of him.

6. You make loans without consulting me then when I have a little bit of money you tell me about the loan you made to bail us out last month.

 

Yes I would get loans to pay for our lights that are switched off, I would make loans to pay for a house or a car that is about to get repossessed and the reason I would not tell him is because of how he feels after I tell him we are loosing this or that, it would crash him. So I chose to say nothing. I am justifying this because I did it in my small mind to protect his ego.

 

So like I said. My reasons wont change how these things make him feel, but I never woke up one morning and decided that today I will make sure his ego gets bruised. I will make sure my friend buys a bigger house than ours so I can kill his ego. No. But I know that's how he sees it.

Thats not a good list, doesnt excuse infidelity, but thats out of line

[katielee]

Mylenie - again, you are trying to solve marital issues that have nothing to do with the choice of a spouse to be unfaithful. Solving these issues WON'T cure infidelity.

He's in charge of his own feelings... let him own them AND the consequences of them.

[TaraMaiden2]

Mylenie - again, you are trying to solve marital issues that have nothing to do with the choice of a spouse to be unfaithful. Solving these issues WON'T cure infidelity.

He's in charge of his own feelings... let him own them AND the consequences of them.

 

I agree.

He's a lousy husband and carer/fellow provider, probably because he has qualities which make him very like a Narcissist.

 

He screws around and has affairs because he doesn't care about you.

 

The two are separate issues, although at times, I'm sure the line is blurred, and may even overlap.

They obviously do in your eyes.....

[Mylenie]

I did not get this the 1st time you said it, I get it now. So basically me looking better, him getting a job that pays $1m per month or even me loosing my job so he can earn more will not change anything. He is not cheating because of me, he is cheating because he wants to cheat, it has nothing to do with me. Me solving marital issues wont stop him from cheating. Sorry the more I type me solving marital issues makes it more real. It sinks in.

 

I HAVE NEVWER THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT. I literally blamed myself for his cheating. He has cheated with 4 other women. I just never mention it because I am scared that people will think I am a fool for staying. I forgot you all don't know me personally.

 

That selfish bustard. He convinced me that I was the problem everytime. 1st time he cheated he said I don't give him attention. Then there was work stresses me and I get home and you stress me I just needed a break from all the stress. Then there was you don't have friends.

 

I think I got a light bulb moment. Let me look for a new home for me and my kids. I wont even discuss it with him.

 

 

Mylenie - again, you are trying to solve marital issues that have nothing to do with the choice of a spouse to be unfaithful. Solving these issues WON'T cure infidelity.

He's in charge of his own feelings... let him own them AND the consequences of them.

[ShatteredLady]

Loving & sharing my life with a man who cheats on me has changed me so much as a person. People who have been strong & walked out don't realize I'm not that 'whole' woman I was all those years ago that it first happened. I know who I was but she was a lady that deserved to be loved & cared for. Little by little I've lost so much of who I was.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't cry all day!!!! Really!!! I started crying New Years Day. I had a lot of added stress with health issues but my brain just can't cope with the shock, the betrayal, the pain. I believed so completely that he would NEVER do that to me again. I can't believe it's December. I've cried for nearly a year!

 

My H went back to the same woman, he says it's easier, I don't know! He says it was 'just' a fantasy, an ego boost. Even if I believe him, knowing that he ripped my heart, soul & guts out for 'nothing' & 'just' doesn't help at all.

 

I can't advise you. Obviously! I'm a mess!! I thought I was doing better than this until I started writing...maybe it's the come-down of all the sugar from yesterday!

 

I just wanted to say, I know! It's bloody soul destroying isn't it?

 

We're reconciling but we're sweeping it under the rug. I know that's a huge mistake but I don't know how to talk about it anymore. I have a plan. We're moving back to the UK next summer (living in USA now) it does help, it truly does. Things can't stay the same, can they? Ugh! Imagine what that would look like?!? When will it happen again? 5 years? 10 years?

 

This time he cheated because I was sick (emergency surgery) & he didn't feel special. I wasn't any fun & he could feel his life slipping away. There's always an excuse. Your H is basically saying you were 'too strong' so he had an A & now you're too weak & clingy so he had an A!!!! Really???

 

Grown-ups deal with marriage problems by talking about them!!! I'm so sorry. It's a crappy boat to be in

[katielee]

honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You deserve the best.

[oldshirt]

Counseling can help two people who both want to do the right thing communicate and express their needs and boundaries more effectively. Counseling can help two good people work together towards a common goal that they both want to achieve.

 

Counseling does not turn a bad person into a good one.

 

Your husband is a bad person. Coulseling won't turn him into a good one.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

I think I got a light bulb moment. Let me look for a new home for me and my kids. I wont even discuss it with him.

 

 

Mylenie, before you move out please see an attorney to be certain that won't constitute abandonment. An attorney will also advise you as to your options for having him move out of the house.

 

It seems to me it would be best for you and your children (especially your children) to stay there in familiar surroundings while you go through this process. I would think the law will be on your side as to forcing him to leave the family home under the circumstances.

[NewLeaf512]

I did not get this the 1st time you said it, I get it now. So basically me looking better, him getting a job that pays $1m per month or even me loosing my job so he can earn more will not change anything. He is not cheating because of me, he is cheating because he wants to cheat, it has nothing to do with me. Me solving marital issues wont stop him from cheating. Sorry the more I type me solving marital issues makes it more real. It sinks in.

 

I HAVE NEVWER THOUGHT OF IT LIKE THAT. I literally blamed myself for his cheating. He has cheated with 4 other women. I just never mention it because I am scared that people will think I am a fool for staying. I forgot you all don't know me personally.

 

That selfish bustard. He convinced me that I was the problem everytime. 1st time he cheated he said I don't give him attention. Then there was work stresses me and I get home and you stress me I just needed a break from all the stress. Then there was you don't have friends.

 

I think I got a light bulb moment. Let me look for a new home for me and my kids. I wont even discuss it with him.

 

Exactly!

 

This may be incorrect but I believe you are of an Aus or NZ origin? I've briefly read the thread and so many others have addressed your M, let me speak to you as a woman and a mother.

 

You just had 2 little babies from your beautiful body. The shape and size of the air you displace in this moment is of no consequence. Do not think of yourself as a number but instead as a mother who will soon displace less air. As a mother your body changed in size and shape to carry and protect your little babies from harm. Your body fed them, and kept them warm and emotionally content before they were born. Now that you have meet these beautiful babies, who join your others to become "your children" the responsibility to hold them close, feed and nurture them, and keep them physically and emotionally warm becomes even more vital. Without you caring for you, there will be no way for you to be the protection, unconditional love, and warmth they need and deserve.

 

You must think of yourself and all your amazing babies. There is no one who can protect and love them like you, or model the loving parent who is strong and will always be there.

 

If you can think of nothing else, thinking of the toll all this is taking on you, imagine how it is affecting your beautiful children. Then make the best decision you can. Everything else will fall into place.

[NewLeaf512]

Loving & sharing my life with a man who cheats on me has changed me so much as a person. People who have been strong & walked out don't realize I'm not that 'whole' woman I was all those years ago that it first happened. I know who I was but she was a lady that deserved to be loved & cared for. Little by little I've lost so much of who I was.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't cry all day!!!! Really!!! I started crying New Years Day. I had a lot of added stress with health issues but my brain just can't cope with the shock, the betrayal, the pain. I believed so completely that he would NEVER do that to me again. I can't believe it's December. I've cried for nearly a year!

 

My H went back to the same woman, he says it's easier, I don't know! He says it was 'just' a fantasy, an ego boost. Even if I believe him, knowing that he ripped my heart, soul & guts out for 'nothing' & 'just' doesn't help at all.

 

I can't advise you. Obviously! I'm a mess!! I thought I was doing better than this until I started writing...maybe it's the come-down of all the sugar from yesterday!

 

I just wanted to say, I know! It's bloody soul destroying isn't it?

 

We're reconciling but we're sweeping it under the rug. I know that's a huge mistake but I don't know how to talk about it anymore. I have a plan. We're moving back to the UK next summer (living in USA now) it does help, it truly does. Things can't stay the same, can they? Ugh! Imagine what that would look like?!? When will it happen again? 5 years? 10 years?

 

This time he cheated because I was sick (emergency surgery) & he didn't feel special. I wasn't any fun & he could feel his life slipping away. There's always an excuse. Your H is basically saying you were 'too strong' so he had an A & now you're too weak & clingy so he had an A!!!! Really???

 

Grown-ups deal with marriage problems by talking about them!!! I'm so sorry. It's a crappy boat to be in

 

Happy Birthday from Blighty pickle. Bring yourself and the children home. X

[sandylee1]

[quote=Mylenie;6682286

 

 

He has cheated with 4 other women.

 

 

I think I got a light bulb moment. Let me look for a new home for me and my kids. I wont even discuss it with him.

 

Wow! 4 times?

 

Time to cut Loose.

 

Cut off any financial support you provide him with.... I am amazed you've been able to continue loving him through all this infidelity. You deserve way better. I dont see how having him as a husband benefits you at all... He's a serial cheater and he's trying to make you feel bad for no reason... it's called manipulation.

 

I think you should go ahead and plan to live elsewhere if he won't go. Then once you have the arrangements sorted... tell him you are leaving.... take your name off the bills.

Quite simply tell him you can't take any more of his cheating and you want to be away from him. It's NOT YOUR FAULT. He needs to get his **** together and stop risking your sexual health.

 

 

Once your new place is ready..... tell him... then go. The conversation should involve his visitation.

 

The 180 I reiterate is to prepare for a life without him and not to reconcile. It's all about you and not giving a hoot about him. Right now you are emotionally invested in him.. detach and you won't care.

 

When women detach.. The marriage is done. For now be banks on your undying love.. .. STOP IT.... He's not deserving right now and I doubt he ever will be. I mentioned your dealbreaker earlier... I didn't know it was 4 times... that's 4 times you know about .... think of the ones you don't know of.

 

The question is has he ever been faithful? You've got no hope with a serial cheater... until they get help.... but honestly.. is he worth the heartache? You have the financial means ... move away from him... ASAP.

[pondhawk]

I'm sorry, you are married to a man-child who never developed responsibility and character. Ever. This does not have anything to do with you as a person. With his reasoning, he will stomp his feet, cry, and point to the sky saying that it's your fault the sky is blue and he just had to cheat!

 

You stated that you do not think you're ready to be on your own, but look around you, you're ALREADY doing EVERYTHING

[pondhawk]

sorry!

 

hit the button too soon!

 

You are already doing everything on your own, finances, childcare, housework, making more than him..... You do know how to be on your own. You have experience already.

 

He is checked out of the marriage and I believe he is using you. He will always cheat, because that's who he is. If you make him stop, he will just take it underground. THere is no future with this cheater.... and guess what? The next woman that gets suckered into being with him will get cheated on as well!

 

I second the idea to look up Chump Lady. Many of his actions will be explained.

 

You deserve a real life.

[merrmeade]

Loving & sharing my life with a man who cheats on me has changed me so much as a person. People who have been strong & walked out don't realize I'm not that 'whole' woman I was all those years ago that it first happened. I know who I was but she was a lady that deserved to be loved & cared for. Little by little I've lost so much of who I was.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't cry all day!!!! Really!!! I started crying New Years Day. I had a lot of added stress with health issues but my brain just can't cope with the shock, the betrayal, the pain. I believed so completely that he would NEVER do that to me again. I can't believe it's December. I've cried for nearly a year!

 

My H went back to the same woman, he says it's easier, I don't know! He says it was 'just' a fantasy, an ego boost. Even if I believe him, knowing that he ripped my heart, soul & guts out for 'nothing' & 'just' doesn't help at all.

 

I can't advise you. Obviously! I'm a mess!! I thought I was doing better than this until I started writing...maybe it's the come-down of all the sugar from yesterday!

 

I just wanted to say, I know! It's bloody soul destroying isn't it?

 

We're reconciling but we're sweeping it under the rug. I know that's a huge mistake but I don't know how to talk about it anymore. I have a plan. We're moving back to the UK next summer (living in USA now) it does help, it truly does. Things can't stay the same, can they? Ugh! Imagine what that would look like?!? When will it happen again? 5 years? 10 years?

 

This time he cheated because I was sick (emergency surgery) & he didn't feel special. I wasn't any fun & he could feel his life slipping away. There's always an excuse. Your H is basically saying you were 'too strong' so he had an A & now you're too weak & clingy so he had an A!!!! Really???

 

Grown-ups deal with marriage problems by talking about them!!! I'm so sorry. It's a crappy boat to be in

SL, we can't blame them or anything. We were that way and bought it. They were that way, did it and sold it. It just happened.

 

But NOW what? NOW, you can be angry. Don't cry; be angry like this OP. You'll never be over it without purging yourself of the injustice. My therapist said my depression was anger ignored and she was right. It must have its day.

 

And good for you, Mylenie, just good for you.

[privategal]

I moved in the middle of the night. He left for the midnight shift and I packed every belonging of mine and beforehand had already rented a place and had it all set up and left with a note in the counter.

We didn't have kids but theres no difference. Yes, uproot them...my Mom did twice...married and divorved twice and she left and took her kids and we all turned out good.

[sandylee1]

Mylenie

 

I give credit to you.. for being so self sufficient financially. That's something to be very proud of.

 

I also think your husband is using you just for the money... time to tighten your purse where he's concerned. He should be grateful to have a wife that is fully capable of carrying the can.. but instead he abuses the situation.

 

I would advise you not to get onto any arguments with him over you leaving .... it will just give him the chance to say more hurtful stuff to you and you'll be left upset and start second guessing yourself.

 

Let's see how many women find him so desirable without your hard earned money..... no more funding his affairs. Be strong.. you deserve so much better treatment than this.