BF doesn't trust me!!

[Lindsaycaper]

My BF and I have been on and off for years. This year we've been doing pretty good actually. I feel like we've gotten closer. He always makes comments though about me seeing other guys. I tell him over and over that I am not. His response is usually something sarcastic like he doesn't believe me.

 

I moved into my own apartment about a few months ago. He always stays over or I go to his place. The first night he came on his way home from work. I asked him to let me know when he'd be on his way. His response was "who's there?" . I was offended but I just said "just me" and he said "ok". When he came over he mentioned that his friend finds me attractive and he asked if I slept with him. I responded with "ARE YOU CRAZY!?" And he said "well I don't see why he wouldn't want to sleep with you". His friend and I were friends before I met my BF so that's why he asked I guess. Honestly I've never slept with his friend though. In all HONESTY my BF is the only guy I've slept with ever. So when he ask me things like that it REALLY insults me.

 

Last night he stayed with me and he asked me how many guys I've had in my room. I said "none! Except you" and he rolled his eyes at me. In the past all of his friends have attempted to hook up with me. I denied them every time and even told him. I feel like he doesn't trust me because of that. I've never given him a reason not to trust me . I PROMISE. I've never done anything to him. He's always saying how guys are always complimenting me and saying that I like attention. The only attention I really care about is his.

 

One of his friends told me that he'd been cheated on and dumped years ago. Maybe that's why he's always accusing me. Idk what to say for him to stop accusing me all the time. It's annoying. I REALLY love him but I feel like nothing I say will change his mind. Like maybe a serious talk but I don't know what to say.

[Redfisher]

I'd give him a good talking to and give him a chance to change...If not kick him to the curb. Real men don't act like that unless given reason.

[PegNosePete]

I REALLY love him but I feel like nothing I say will change his mind. Like maybe a serious talk but I don't know what to say.

I agree, it seems nothing will quieten his paranoia. Without trust there is no relationship. And he doesn't trust you as far as he can throw a Boeing 747.

 

Try this: "the next time you accuse me of infidelity or insult my character, our relationship is over".

 

And stick to it.

[Methodical]

You have dated on and off for years. Maybe you can elaborate more. Sounds like he is insecure because of the on again off again relationship, coupled with the relationship where he was cheated on and dumped.

 

There is only so much you can do to help calm his fear/insecurity. I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect his insecurity will grow more intense now that you have acquired your own dwelling.

 

You can assure him, as you have, that there's no one else, but don't bend until you break trying to prove yourself. Most relationship can't sustain continued false accusations and lack of trust.

[Lindsaycaper]

You have dated on and off for years. Maybe you can elaborate more. Sounds like he is insecure because of the on again off again relationship, coupled with the relationship where he was cheated on and dumped.

 

There is only so much you can do to help calm his fear/insecurity. I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect his insecurity will grow more intense now that you have acquired your own dwelling.

 

You can assure him, as you have, that there's no one else, but don't bend until you break trying to prove yourself. Most relationship can't sustain continued false accusations and lack of trust.

 

 

We used to fight alot and break up. He doesn't know how to communicate feelings which caused alot of arguments

[CarrieT]

Try this: "the next time you accuse me of infidelity or insult my character, our relationship is over".

 

And stick to it.

This is the best advice here.

 

OP, call him on his sh*t and if he can't let-up with accusations, then it is time to move on.

[Friskyone4u]

He is wondering what has happened when you two were "off". And knowing that all his friends have been trying to get in your pants does not help.

 

You do need to talk about this . You cannot live without some interaction with men and they are going to try to hit on you . That's been happening since the Stone Age. It's how you react that is important .

 

Not sure it's time to kick anyone to the curb yet. Just keep talking and try to find out what really really is the reason he is so paranoid

[Space Ritual]

I have to agree with the On and Off thing, and also the fact that his friends were trying to hook up with you is probably feeding into this.

 

Also please consider that one or more of his friends may have actually told him that they did in fact hook up with you in an attempt to either mess with him or some other reason. To me THAT actually sounds more plausible that someone has planted this seed of doubt into him.

 

If indeed that is the case I would have to say that your relationship has probably seen it's last sunrise. No amount of defense on your part will ever fully convince him that you were not messing about. So at the very least have a serious discussion with him about it and attempt one last time to convince him if you have it in you to do so.

 

Then if he is unconvinced, fold your hand and call it a day. Life is too short to be getting badgered like this for anyone.

[Friskyone4u]

One other thing to add.

 

Your boyfriend maybe needs to re evaluate his choice of friends.

 

Good friends do not constantly try to hook up with their buddies girlfriends. With friends like that he does not need enemies.

 

If one of my so called friends tried that he would be wearing dentures.

[smackie9]

You have been off and on for a reason......it's not working out and you don't know when to call it quits. This relationship has always been broken. You need a reality check.....it can't be fixed, and it's time to let go. Trust me you can do way better for yourself with someone else.

[Spectre]

Simple question that will tell us all we need to know. You say you have been on and off. So during these "off' periods did you ever date anyone else?

 

Follow up if your answer is "no": who initiates most of the break ups, you or him?

 

Now we get into other things like a bunch of his friends hitting on you. Either ALL his friends are pieces of utter garbage or you behaved in a manner that made them think they had a shot.

Edited December 9, 2015 by Spectre

[Lindsaycaper]

Simple question that will tell us all we need to know. You say you have been on and off. So during these "off' periods did you ever date anyone else?

 

Follow up if your answer is "no": who initiates most of the break ups, you or him?

 

Now we get into other things like a bunch of his friends hitting on you. Either ALL his friends are pieces of utter garbage or you behaved in a manner that made them think they had a shot.

 

 

Well one of his friends DID lie but I unfriended him on everything and I don't know if they still talk. Our on and off never lasted very long. Like maybe a few weeks. The longest was a few months. I broke up with him mostly. I'll admit it was due to me overreacting to things. When we are apart I haven't dated anyone else. And he usually is checking up on my every move when we are broken up.

[Maggie4]

I'm with Redfisher above, kick him to the curb. (And this time for real)

But first you give him a chance to say what is really on his mind. These accusations are forms of aggression. He has unresolved anger about something, and this is his way of punishing you. I don't even believe if it's a trust issue. More like he latched onto one method of expressing his bitterness of having been dumped by you previously. If he can't make peace with the past, you have to stop trying. Sometimes you can't get back together, at least not really.

[Space Ritual]

Well one of his friends DID lie but I unfriended him on everything and I don't know if they still talk.

 

My guess is that they still do.

 

What dd he exactly lie about? You hooking up?

 

As I said in my first response if that is the case your relationship is probably over anyway. Just remember perception is reality to most and if you have done nothing to dispel the perception, well there you have it.

 

Seriously, just move on. Nothing to salvage.

[Spectre]

Well one of his friends DID lie but I unfriended him on everything and I don't know if they still talk. Our on and off never lasted very long. Like maybe a few weeks. The longest was a few months. I broke up with him mostly. I'll admit it was due to me overreacting to things. When we are apart I haven't dated anyone else. And he usually is checking up on my every move when we are broken up.

 

His friends lied about what? That you hooked up?

 

Also since they obviously did not hit on you in front of him...did they just wait for him to leave the room and then hit on you? Or was it through Facebook?

 

Also if you keep breaking up with him due to over reacting then it's hard to truly blame him for being paranoid. How can you trust someone who constantly leaves and comes back? I'm guessing all this plus the fact he has been cheated on before is what this all adds up to. I won't say the relationship is doomed, but you need to talk about his unresolved feelings over being cheated on by other girls and also you apparently over reacting and dumping him. I would also suggest he get rid of his friends and/or you not talk to his friends. They aren't really friends.

Edited December 10, 2015 by Spectre

[sandylee1]

Have a talk with him before kicking him to the curb.

 

Tell him that you love him.

That he's the only guy you've ever slept with.

That you have no desire for any other guy

That you would NEVER cheat on him.....

 

And that his comments are very hurtful to you. Tell him you realise that he's been hurt in the past, but you aren't that person and he needs to trust you..... as without that you have nothing.

 

If anyone ever tells you "you might as well cheat because he suspects you anyway".... don't listen. Someone said this to me once after I mentioned my husband being suspicious.

[Spectre]

I think she also needs to acknowledge her overreactions and dumping him and then coming back. Both sides are at fault here.

[Lindsaycaper]

His friends lied about what? That you hooked up?

 

Also since they obviously did not hit on you in front of him...did they just wait for him to leave the room and then hit on you? Or was it through Facebook?

 

Also if you keep breaking up with him due to over reacting then it's hard to truly blame him for being paranoid. How can you trust someone who constantly leaves and comes back? I'm guessing all this plus the fact he has been cheated on before is what this all adds up to. I won't say the relationship is doomed, but you need to talk about his unresolved feelings over being cheated on by other girls and also you apparently over reacting and dumping him. I would also suggest he get rid of his friends and/or you not talk to his friends. They aren't really friends.

 

 

 

Yes it was through facebook. There was one night we all went out to a club. Well he wasn't there we were broken up at the time. But I went because I was cool with one of the friends gfs. He showed up to the club. From what I seen it looked like one of the friends secretly texted him. Like to tell him where we were. It was a large group of us. This was last year tho.

[almond]

In all HONESTY my BF is the only guy I've slept with ever....Last night he stayed with me and he asked me how many guys I've had in my room. I said "none! Except you"

 

Well then, you have absolutely no idea what you're missing! Love, respect and happiness come to mind.

 

There is no future with a guy who attacks you, basically calling you a liar and a cheat. Guy has issues. This is a disgusting way to treat someone that you're supposed to love, and not something that should be tolerated at all.

 

End it. You've been on and off for years, and it's still a mess of a relationship. Stop torturing yourself. Spend some time alone and figure yourself out - you deserve a lot more than this, and need to work out what it is that has you running back to be treated like dirt over and over.

 

There is much more to life and love than this. Be strong, end this for good, go NC permanently.

[Spectre]

I also see another problem in the OP not having slept with anyone but the OP. You see it all the time: silly ass people who wind up cheating because they were "curious" about banging other dudes since they feel they haven't banged enough dudes and feel a big life experience is sleeping with strange men you don't know very well.

 

That combined with him being cheated on? Yeah, this might not be fixable. This just goes to show why cheating is so wrong, it doesn't just ruin THAT relationship but potentially future ones.

[Spectre]

Well then, you have absolutely no idea what you're missing! Love, respect and happiness come to mind.

 

There is no future with a guy who attacks you, basically calling you a liar and a cheat. Guy has issues. This is a disgusting way to treat someone that you're supposed to love, and not something that should be tolerated at all.

 

End it. You've been on and off for years, and it's still a mess of a relationship. Stop torturing yourself. Spend some time alone and figure yourself out - you deserve a lot more than this, and need to work out what it is that has you running back to be treated like dirt over and over.

 

There is much more to life and love than this. Be strong, end this for good, go NC permanently.

 

Okay just to be clear there is dirt treating on both sides here. Her constantly dumping and running back..that is on her, it's messed up and just exacerbates the situation. Just that your post strongly came off like she did no wrong.

[smackie9]

Yes you see the wrong in every woman even if they never cheated.

 

Wouldn't it be more helpful if you just encouraged her to be strong and remove herself from this situation?

[lakerman34]

So, here's my take:

 

I'm in a similar situation. I have a feeling that my girlfriend may be sleeping with another guy. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling. Your boyfriend seems MUCH more blunt and brings it up WAY too much. I bring it up once in a while talking about trust and how if anything changes, we should tell each other.

 

Now, coming from a guy who was cheated on (and it is THE WORST from a guy's point of view), I can tell you behaviors that make me thing that, maybe, my girlfriend is cheating (and REALLY examine whether you exhibit any of these behaviors):

-Having NO IDEA where she is for large amounts of time

-Hiding her phone

-Text messages from guys that are overtly friendly

-Going out with her friends, telling me she'll call when she gets in, doesn't

-Hanging out with an absurd amount of guys

-REALLY enjoying getting hit on rather than throwing up the "I have a boyfriend" (say it proudly)

-Hanging out with guys one-on-one that CLEARLY have ulterior motives -- regardless of whether you have no intention of doing something with them, guys don't trust other guys

-Talking to guys you've hooked up with (HUGE no-no in my book)

-Making plans and not including him in them (my girlfriend has plans WITH OTHER "guy friends" that she doesn't include me in because she decided it's "not my sort of thing")

-Not making enough time for him

-Withhold sex for a silly reason

-CONSTANTLY argue with him -- never let him win for the sake of the relationship

 

Just REALLY reflect on that list. My $0.02.

Edited December 12, 2015 by lakerman34

[Lindsaycaper]

I also see another problem in the OP not having slept with anyone but the OP. You see it all the time: silly ass people who wind up cheating because they were "curious" about banging other dudes since they feel they haven't banged enough dudes and feel a big life experience is sleeping with strange men you don't know very well.

 

That combined with him being cheated on? Yeah, this might not be fixable. This just goes to show why cheating is so wrong, it doesn't just ruin THAT relationship but potentially future ones.

 

Not sure what you're implying but I've never been " curious" to see what other men are like.

[Lindsaycaper]

So, here's my take:

 

I'm in a similar situation. I have a feeling that my girlfriend may be sleeping with another guy. I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling. Your boyfriend seems MUCH more blunt and brings it up WAY too much. I bring it up once in a while talking about trust and how if anything changes, we should tell each other.

 

Now, coming from a guy who was cheated on (and it is THE WORST from a guy's point of view), I can tell you behaviors that make me thing that, maybe, my girlfriend is cheating (and REALLY examine whether you exhibit any of these behaviors):

-Having NO IDEA where she is for large amounts of time

-Hiding her phone

-Text messages from guys that are overtly friendly

-Going out with her friends, telling me she'll call when she gets in, doesn't

-Hanging out with an absurd amount of guys

-REALLY enjoying getting hit on rather than throwing up the "I have a boyfriend" (say it proudly)

-Hanging out with guys one-on-one that CLEARLY have ulterior motives -- regardless of whether you have no intention of doing something with them, guys don't trust other guys

-Talking to guys you've hooked up with (HUGE no-no in my book)

-Making plans and not including him in them (my girlfriend has plans WITH OTHER "guy friends" that she doesn't include me in because she decided it's "not my sort of thing")

-Not making enough time for him

-Withhold sex for a silly reason

-CONSTANTLY argue with him -- never let him win for the sake of the relationship

 

Just REALLY reflect on that list. My $0.02.

 

 

 

Yeah neither of us do those things. I'm very sorry you are going through this. I really don't know how to describe his actions. .... it's like he is always "busy" but he CONSTANTLY views my snapchat (snapchat users can view who looks at their pics) when I'm not around him. For example the other day when we had this argument I posted on there that I wanted a REAL serious relationship. He viewed that and everything else I posted from about 7pm to the am hours. So it's like he's constantly viewing pics of me everyday all day. Which idk how I feel about that because is that not an obsession? Or does that mean he always wants to know what im doing?