Should I visit my ex boyfriend?

[tracyanne]

Hi guys, I hope I put this in the right place

So, we've been together for 6 months, we've basically been really distant for the past 3 weeks or so, more like friends than bf and gf, he talked about himself too much etc. It really bothered me but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I was putting off the talk because I was scared.

Then, on Friday, he broke up with me. He said it doesn't work for him(he blames it on the distance), that we've been distant etc. I think he feels the same as I do, he just went too far because I would at least try to fix it.

Anyway the break up left me shocked, really really hurt and betrayed. We both cried, it was really painful. I think he gave up easy and way too soon, sometimes I get really angry and upset when I think about it, sometimes I can't live without him and I still love him, that's the damn problem... You know the drill.

I'm trying not to be clingy or anything when we talk, since we do talk. We've talked every day except for Monday, we've even Skyped for like an hour+, since we agreed to be friends. That confuses me, since he wanted to break up, but it's not like that much has changed since the break up? We are just friendly and we talk less for sure, but it doesn't look like we really broke up.

I don't think he realizes what a break up means here, like I think this is more of a cry for help(since he's emotional and he'll protect himself first) then a break up? I think he still has feelings for me. I could be wrong, eh...

So I have this idea to go and surprise visit him.(it's like a 5 hour bus drive) Or maybe I should ask to visit him first?

I think I'll be fine even if he slams the door at my face because at least I know I gave it my best and that will give me some peace. I don't have much to loose, except some money haha and some dignity but eh, that's life.

I don't know, I think I'm here just for some advice in general, (how) should I fix this, does he feel anything or am I fooling myself?

So should I talk to him about my feelings and ask to visit or?

[understand50]

Hi guys, I hope I put this in the right place

So, we've been together for 6 months, we've basically been really distant for the past 3 weeks or so, more like friends than bf and gf, he talked about himself too much etc. It really bothered me but I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I was putting off the talk because I was scared.

Then, on Friday, he broke up with me. He said it doesn't work for him(he blames it on the distance), that we've been distant etc. I think he feels the same as I do, he just went too far because I would at least try to fix it.

Anyway the break up left me shocked, really really hurt and betrayed. We both cried, it was really painful. I think he gave up easy and way too soon, sometimes I get really angry and upset when I think about it, sometimes I can't live without him and I still love him, that's the damn problem... You know the drill.

I'm trying not to be clingy or anything when we talk, since we do talk. We've talked every day except for Monday, we've even Skyped for like an hour+, since we agreed to be friends. That confuses me, since he wanted to break up, but it's not like that much has changed since the break up? We are just friendly and we talk less for sure, but it doesn't look like we really broke up.

I don't think he realizes what a break up means here, like I think this is more of a cry for help(since he's emotional and he'll protect himself first) then a break up? I think he still has feelings for me. I could be wrong, eh...

So I have this idea to go and surprise visit him.(it's like a 5 hour bus drive) Or maybe I should ask to visit him first?

I think I'll be fine even if he slams the door at my face because at least I know I gave it my best and that will give me some peace. I don't have much to loose, except some money haha and some dignity but eh, that's life.

I don't know, I think I'm here just for some advice in general, (how) should I fix this, does he feel anything or am I fooling myself?

So should I talk to him about my feelings and ask to visit or?

 

tracyanne,

 

I would go visit. If it does not work out, I would then go NC. If it does, then you may have the relationship you want and desire.

 

Question, is there a chance of you both getting moving closer? LDR, are fine, as for a limited time, but there needs to be a end date.

 

Wish you luck..

[tracyanne]

Thanks I'm just wondering if I should talk to him about my feelings and say I'm coming or just go there. Either way, I don't have much to loose because at least I tried my best.

 

Well we're both in university, so not for another 3 years until I'm done so I could move there. That's as much as we went into detail with that. It doesn't seem like that long to me, but I agree that LDR's are hard.

[shuhting]

Going to be realistic here, if you're going to be apart for another 3 years and this has already happened then it's not looking promising

 

If you can make some sort of arrangement where you can see each other as much as possible then it could work, by making some sort of a plan of action of when to visit each other. but if he's unwilling to put in the effort and since he's given up already then it might be hard talking him round

 

I can totally relate, i'm in a similar situation and I couldn't talk her round after many times of trying to reassure her and she gave up and broke up with me on the phone after she'd become distant (She's also carried on speaking to me as normal like he has to you! As if nothing as happened).

 

You sound like you have stronger feelings for each other than we do, I think it's sweet you're willing to travel 5 hours and surprise him, that really shows you care. If you don't go, when will be the next time you will be both living in the same area? Is this your boyfriend from home, before you both went off to different universities? If so, I think you should wait till you're home for christmas

[tracyanne]

We could see each other more, I'm certainly willing to put in the effort. If I knew it was this bad, I would've talked to/visited him sooner. There's a lesson for me. But I thought he wouldn't give up so easily.

So yeah, it all comes down to if he's wants to fight for it or not. This is overly cheesy and pathetic but I think if you really love someone, yeah it's going to be hard but love pushes you forward. So he either doesn't have those feelings for me anymore or he's really hurt, as am I.

Aw, that's too bad, yeah I can relate and I hope that makes you feel a bit better.

Also I should mention, he didn't just go distant out of the blue, we've both been distant and I can be moody and rude sometimes which is maybe what made him distant in the first place.

No no, we started off as long distance. He lived in his city (120 miles from me) and then moved to another one to study (200 miles).

We planned on spending New Years together... Which isn't that far away.

[MayorChapstick]

Hi Tracy. I have to agree with Shuhting that this relationship is unlikely to have good results. HOWEVER, I feel that you might regret it if you don't go visit and see if there's a shot. I would not recommend making the visit a surprise though. Imagine what would happen if you knocked on the door and discovered another woman in his bed..

 

I would ask first if he wants to talk in person.

 

I hope things work out the way they are meant to.

[tracyanne]

Yeah, I think I'll let it cool off for a week or so and then I'll talk to him. And I'll visit if he agrees.

Surprise visiting sound great to me, but a lot could go wrong.

Thanks, I hope so too.

I have to at least talk and give it a shot, so I'll know I tried even if it fails.

[craw]

No, don't go visit him. He is too self involved.

 

 

Unless, If you really need cloure and the last pang of pain to really get over him and not keep saying what if? Then go visit him. It will hurt.

[ExpatInItaly]

I would not recommend surprising him. There's too much risk of many things going wrong, and I feel it's not respecting the boundary he set by breaking up with you. Even though you mean well, if I'd broken up with a guy and then he showed up unannounced and uninvited, I'd find it pretty awkward and intrusive.

 

Talk to him first and feel out his reaction to a suggestion of you visiting. He ,might shut it down right away, or he might be open to it. I think springing it on him by just showing up would not be in your best interest, though.

[tracyanne]

He is self involved... But I still have feelings for him, damn it.

 

Yeah, you guys are right. I don't want to seem creepy.

I'll definitely talk to him when things cool off, and we'll see what happens. Thanks!

[Tayla]

I am 100% certain a narcistic person has zero feelings or concerns for you. Go hug a statue or smile at a painting.

 

Its disturbing that you even think this guy is worth a post here. If anything I think you are worth getting a more solid support system so you can see this guy isn't worth it. And life is choices , not a series of humiliation. That choice is entirely voluntary. You truly deserve someone who is mutually kind. This guy isn't.

[hippychick3]

Please don't go visit him. He broke up with you...it doesn't matter why he did or what he's feeling. He ended it. He likes you enough to want to keep you around as a friend. It's comfortable for him and assuages his guilt. But, he doesn't love you enough for this to work. Even if your surprise visit goes wonderfully, he deep down does not want this relationship. He will break up with you again and it will hurt even more.

 

The only way long distance can work is if BOTH parties love each other, make frequent plans to visit each other, and are committed to making it work.

 

It's time to go NC for your own healing and so you can move on.