lakerman34 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 (edited) I've been seeing this girl for 6 months now. She seems like she's very value based and ethical. We've been fighting a bit lately -- nothing severe, just she saying that I am selfish, caught up in my ego, and never ask her about herself. Anyways, I go back up north for Thanksgiving break, she stays down south. We have minimal contact during this time, she wouldn't respond to my texts/calls. I come back on a Saturday, do not hear from her. Sunday afternoon, I call her upset that I haven't heard from her. She says it's because all I want to talk about is myself (I disagree with this and think she's actually projecting herself--a little self-involved--but that's neither here nor there). We agree to meet up that evening. It was a very weird evening for me. I was filled with affection, but she was a bit distant albeit happy to see me. Since it didn't rub me right, the next day I told her we needed to have a serious conversation. She agreed. I'm preparing for a breakup, thinking that is her intention. We don't talk at all for a couple of days. Then she starts texting me random messages--clearly just to keep in touch. Next couple of days, the text exchange between us is minimal, but it seemed rather affectionate and honest. Fast forward to this past Monday night. We haven't seen each other, nor have we had the talk yet. She has chronic pain, and it was bad. So I was rubbing her, massaging her, and after some time, she decided to cuddle with me and we made out a bit. It was a very affectionate night, but no sex. This is why I think she may have been cheating: -She seemed to be making a great effort to keep her cell phone away from me -I saw someone texting her that was just a phone number (no name) -I brought up being honest with each other, she told me I'd be "long gone" if she was with someone else, I told her, "well I would want to know about it right away," and the conversation just ended -She mentioned not wanting to have sex as often -- because of her chronic pain and also that it was losing its "spirituality" (she's very into spirituality) -She's very introverted, and told me she "loves having time to herself" and prefers it, and seemed to be telling me that she "rather be alone than around anybody" (including me) -She called me the day before Thanksgiving and made it seem as if she was getting ready to go home for Thanksgiving, never did -Most of her best friends are guys -- she hangs out with guys one on one (and I do too with girls). My best friend says, "no matter what she calls them, they're dates." -I have 0 idea of what exactly she was doing back when I was home -I told her that I missed her this past Monday. I repeated myself. No response. -My gut is telling me that she has done something she regrets, but I know as a person, she wouldn't necessarily be the cheating type (there is SOME hope!) Any advice would be very helpful. Edited December 9, 2015 by lakerman34 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 no can tell if she is cheating or not, but she is definitely not happy with you and how things are going. She had a complaint about you not being more connected with her, wanting to talk about her and her needs but was it every addressed? Sounds to me you truly didn't solve this issue to her satisfaction ....so now she questions how genuine you are to her and the relationship. There's an emotional disconnect and you need to get that back by writing her a love letter, send her flowers, compliment her, write her a poem, send her a romantic song....all she is ask is that you romance her. She wants her BF to make her feel special. basically she is crying out that she is being neglected. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lakerman34 Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 no can tell if she is cheating or not, but she is definitely not happy with you and how things are going. She had a complaint about you not being more connected with her, wanting to talk about her and her needs but was it every addressed? Sounds to me you truly didn't solve this issue to her satisfaction ....so now she questions how genuine you are to her and the relationship. There's an emotional disconnect and you need to get that back by writing her a love letter, send her flowers, compliment her, write her a poem, send her a romantic song....all she is ask is that you romance her. She wants her BF to make her feel special. basically she is crying out that she is being neglected. I show up to her house usually bearing gifts, when she is in pain, I stay over and tend to her every need, if she wants something, I will drive out of my way to get it, my issue is I'm very accommodating and it still isn't meeting her needs (according to her). Just texted her, telling her that we HAVE to have this talk this weekend. After this weekend, she and I will either have a stronger relationship or nothing anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 I show up to her house usually bearing gifts, when she is in pain, I stay over and tend to her every need, if she wants something, I will drive out of my way to get it, my issue is I'm very accommodating and it still isn't meeting her needs (according to her). Just texted her, telling her that we HAVE to have this talk this weekend. After this weekend, she and I will either have a stronger relationship or nothing anymore. She is avoiding this like the plague. She may not be cheating as you really have not found concrete proof. One thing for sure though. Your relationship is pretty much over. The whole "Selfish" script is a precursor for a breakup. If I were you I would not hold any breath that she will engage in the convo with you. I'd just go silent n her and arrange to have anything you have left at her place picked up by someone else. Usually if I thought there was anything to save I would urge somebody to do it, but I don't see much other than she has lost interest and rather than be honest with you she would rather you get exasperated and go dark. I hate to say it but with conflict avoiders you are not going to get the closure you seek. Sorry Man. This relationship is toast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lakerman34 Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 She is avoiding this like the plague. She may not be cheating as you really have not found concrete proof. One thing for sure though. Your relationship is pretty much over. The whole "Selfish" script is a precursor for a breakup. If I were you I would not hold any breath that she will engage in the convo with you. I'd just go silent n her and arrange to have anything you have left at her place picked up by someone else. Usually if I thought there was anything to save I would urge somebody to do it, but I don't see much other than she has lost interest and rather than be honest with you she would rather you get exasperated and go dark. I hate to say it but with conflict avoiders you are not going to get the closure you seek. Sorry Man. This relationship is toast. I deleted her from my phone. If she doesn't make an effort, we're done. She has to decide how worth it I am to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Sorry it seems to have ended like that. I can understand why you did delete her too. If anything my guess is that one of two things will happen. Either you won't hear from her again, or you will one last time with a bunch of accusations and blame shifting that all of this is your fault. More often than not when a breakup happens people want the last word, and usually they are very hurtful. So please be prepared for both. At any rate hold your head up and don't let her get you down. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 This is why I think she may have been cheating: -She seemed to be making a great effort to keep her cell phone away from me -I saw someone texting her that was just a phone number (no name) -I brought up being honest with each other, she told me I'd be "long gone" if she was with someone else, I told her, "well I would want to know about it right away," and the conversation just ended -She mentioned not wanting to have sex as often -- because of her chronic pain and also that it was losing its "spirituality" (she's very into spirituality) -She's very introverted, and told me she "loves having time to herself" and prefers it, and seemed to be telling me that she "rather be alone than around anybody" (including me) -She called me the day before Thanksgiving and made it seem as if she was getting ready to go home for Thanksgiving, never did -Most of her best friends are guys -- she hangs out with guys one on one (and I do too with girls). My best friend says, "no matter what she calls them, they're dates." -I have 0 idea of what exactly she was doing back when I was home -I told her that I missed her this past Monday. I repeated myself. No response. -My gut is telling me that she has done something she regrets, but I know as a person, she wouldn't necessarily be the cheating type (there is SOME hope!) Any advice would be very helpful. The bolded ones are the only ones I would call yellow flags for possible cheating. I mean, maybe she was keeping her phone away from you because she posted on an internet discussion board about you and didn't want you to see it. It does sound like you guys have some communication issues though. Including just deleting her from your phone vs. talking to her about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Hughes101 Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 My best friend says, "no matter what she calls them, they're dates." /but I know as a person, she wouldn't necessarily be the cheating type Sounded like paranoia until here. My 2 cents is your friend is right. Why would she be so Keen to do one on one things with guys? She wants to have her cake and eat it.. i recently have decided that I'm not going to be part of this kind of relationship. Any girl can cheat never rule it out. Hard to recover from a bad gut feeling that you have even if nothings happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lakerman34 Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 Last night, she reminded me that she wants to abstain from sex "for now." She wouldn't let me touch her butt or any of her "fun" zones. I was essentially massaging her last night. She fell asleep with her head on my chest. At one point in the night, she was telling me about her going to see the Christmas light show with this girl she doesn't like. Going through pictures, she ran into one with her hugging a guy (looked friendly, nothing more), but she got visibly nervous, didn't even tell me his name, and just kind of went "yeah" and switched to the next picture. Hmmm..... Link to post Share on other sites
Redfisher Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Shes on her way out...Testing the waters so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lakerman34 Posted December 11, 2015 Author Share Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) Shes on her way out...Testing the waters so to speak. I think so too. She still acts INCREDIBLY cutesy towards me, and tells me I have nothing to worry about, BUT things have changed. I'm not currently employed, so some of it may be that my mind has free time to wander, BUT it just feels as if she has withdrawn some of her investment. Even nights when we are "affectionate" feel like something is missing right now. She'll still text me every morning and when she gets back from work, and last night SHE initiated us hanging out. So I don't know. It seems as if she KINDA still cares, but maybe she's just taking me for granted? Edited December 11, 2015 by lakerman34 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 You are going back and drinking from a well of Pisswater. It may taste like Lemonade but there is an aftertaste you won't be able to put your finger on but it has a Wang to it of some sort. Why you didn't stop contact with her when you deleted her from your phone is a head scratcher, but you are not the first to stick you hand in a hornet's nest and you won't be the last You are setting yourself up for a hard fall, young man. Please Please Please reconsider this move. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 So I don't know. It seems as if she KINDA still cares, but maybe she's just taking me for granted? Caring for someone and wanting to remain in a relationship with them are 2 separate things. She can care for you all she wants and still go out and bang other guys behind your back. She is playing with your head. Find the nearest Curb and kick her to it. Let her play with someone else's head. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 OK so if you have been sucking up to her too much and not making her happy....maybe it's time to act distant, blow her off, go out without her to the club, be vague about what you are doing.....be a challenge to her. See if that works. Sometimes being too available is not desirable. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 My gut is telling me that she has done something she regrets, but I know as a person, she wouldn't necessarily be the cheating type (there is SOME hope!). Your gut is probably right about the fact that she's done something, but it's off on the assumption that she 'regrets' it. Doesn't sound like she regrets it all. I think you're now officially Plan B. Link to post Share on other sites
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