I Need to Stop

[HisOtherLover]

Hi there. I have been seeing mm for over 5 years. There have been a couple of times when he has tried to cut off contact with me and then re-enters my life. He has tossed the L word around a couple of times and then also just calls me a very good friend. In fact he claims that I am "the best female friend he's ever had", shouldn't that be his wife though? He just invited me down for vacation which was supposed to last for 3 to 4 days and only ended up lasting 2 days because he said his wife was coming down. I smelled a bit of bs. Later that night when I had driven 4 hours back home, he texts me and says how he was sad I left and that the "fam" stood him up and ended up not coming. The night he cancelled was the night we were supposed to have gone to a very nice steakhouse. I ended up in tears all day yesterday and had to be cheered up by friends. I know that I do not deserve this treatment, no one does. I feel like this is one of the worst disappointments he has ever given me and I feel like he views me as someone who is disposable. I want to know how I can stop seeing him. When we're together it's like heaven, but when something goes down it's the worst kind of pain. I really need advice in how to stop seeing him.

[Ms. Faust]

Hmm... could he have an other, other woman?

[HisOtherLover]

I think he just might! That's what it seemed like to me. Like whoever he wanted to hook up with stood him up and so he mentioned that the family didn't show up just in case I was still around. I'm confused too. He could be telling the truth but it just seems so weird to me to change a tune so quickly.

[whichwayisup]

What is it that you're looking for with him? To be his OW indefinitely? To hope that his wife will find out about the A, then divorce him and he'll be yours? 5 years is a long time to be putting up with feeling like second fiddle.

[oceansaway]

Same situation as you and wondering how to end things and move on. My fog has been lifting slowly . I have found this forum extremely helpful. My advice is to keep reading. It's becoming helpful to learn how all these MM seem to be the same and the treatment they display is eye opening. We deserve better! Wishing you peace and happiness

[whichwayisup]

Sorry I misread your opening post, I see you do want to end things.

 

Be strong and just tell him you're sick of being the OW, and from now on you're putting yourself first and don't want to be in his life anymore. You really don't owe him a big explanation, bottom line is, he's married and you're wasting your time and energy on him.

 

Delete and block him on all social media. Seek counseling if need be to help you cope with this break up in a healthy way. Reach out to your friends that you trust.

[HisOtherLover]

Thank you everyone for your support! It's just so hard for me to end it because I feel like I can tell him anything, like there's more than just the sexual attraction. It hurts me way more than him and that's how I have to remember it. I know I need to stop building him up in my head and let go. I just don't know how to.

[Krashi]

What is preventing you from breaking it off, other than a lack of desire to do so? Don't you think you could attract a single guy, and, if not, why?

[HisOtherLover]

I feel like the limited time that we do have together is precious. I do allow myself to meet single men and even have a guy I see from time to time but MM always knows what to say and likes the same things as me and I feel like it was one of those rare encounters of meeting. I wish I knew exactly how to stop this addiction to him because my head knows that it's unhealthy, but my heart gets carried away.

[Krashi]

Well, this is bad for you.

But, also consider thebother folks you are hurting.

[Poppy47]

If you don't want to get upset, then don't see him anymore.

 

Certainly don't fall for the time away trick. Remember he has no control over what his wife or family will do. He will always drop you like a hot potato.

 

Poppy.

[sandylee1]

In order not to be dropped like a hot brick... you need to be with a single man. So that if he messes you around ... you know he's got excuses. A MM can always use his wife as a reason... you'll never know if it's true or not.

 

As much as you think you don't deserve this..... remember his wife and family are the innocent ones here. You and he know the deal.

 

Once you accept the job of a mistress... especially a single one .... You've shown that you are okay with being number 2.....

 

You've wasted 5 years on him... what do you want in life? Marriage? Kids?

 

Think of the bigger picture... not just the two of you.

[Ms. Faust]

I feel like the limited time that we do have together is precious.

 

He must not feel the same way if he is pushing you out the door to meet someone else. I think the trust issue you have with him should speak volumes. Other women tend to ignore it the same way betrayed spouses often do.

 

So what keeps you attached to him? Is it because you love him?

[Grumpybutfun]

Seek counseling to learn how to let go of things and people who aren't healthy for you. Life is too short to waste on men who do not value you. Self loathing is a terrible thing and yes, you deserve more than crumbs.

Good luck,

Grumps

[burnt]

Same situation as you and wondering how to end things and move on. My fog has been lifting slowly . I have found this forum extremely helpful. My advice is to keep reading. It's becoming helpful to learn how all these MM seem to be the same and the treatment they display is eye opening. We deserve better! Wishing you peace and happiness

 

I could not agree with the above more.

I'm exOW myself and still in some kind of fog, though I've been in NC for over a year now; but I still haven't been able to let go emotionally at all.

 

There's something about reading one story after another after another about OW/OM, all with the same plot, same misery, same ending. Reading these accounts is in a way similar to listening to the same song 'on repeat'; it helps to make it monotonous, which is what's necessary to 'internalize' that it's a dead end road.

 

You already know you want to stop; no one needs to convince you of that, but where it gets hard is doing the actual goodbye--the fear of never seeing him again is painful. You want to end it, but are unable to cope with the sense of loss.

 

Since you are single, perhaps you can start seeing other people; it may make it easier to shift your mind to something/anything other than him.

 

And here's another thought: bare with me here, as this will sound REALLY absurd.

Since you are trying to find a way to detach, start making demands on him--as in, start asking for more and more time and make demands on when and where to meet. Guaranteed, he'll hate it, since he NEEDS to be in charge. Chances are he'll back off and cut it off fast--he'll pull out; as painful as it sounds, it may do the trick to help you let go.

yeah, I know it does sound like backward weird suggestion

[Krashi]

Same situation as you and wondering how to end things and move on. My fog has been lifting slowly . I have found this forum extremely helpful. My advice is to keep reading. It's becoming helpful to learn how all these MM seem to be the same and the treatment they display is eye opening. We deserve better! Wishing you peace and happiness

Well, it is not like he is dealing with an innocent party. They both have unclean hands.

[sandylee1]

Same situation as you and wondering how to end things and move on. My fog has been lifting slowly . I have found this forum extremely helpful. My advice is to keep reading. It's becoming helpful to learn how all these MM seem to be the same and the treatment they display is eye opening. We deserve better! Wishing you peace and happiness

 

Yes.. YOU DO deserve better. .. but you settled for less by having a relationship with another woman's husband. As such you allow yourself to be lower down in the pecking order.

 

If OW stopped feeling like victims you would gain some strength.... you were not drugged or lured into the affair... you went after what you wanted... you ignore his marital status.... and as such you have to take responsibility for your pain... ... blaming a man who you know is a liar and a cheat is not the thing to do.

 

If his wife, kids, siblings or the family pet is ill..... you will be cast aside. I'm saying this not to be mean.. but so that the reality of being a mistress sinks in. OW are second rate in the MMs life. If you want to be 'the one ' - you need to drop the habit (MM)

 

Look at it this way... a drug dealer would be out of business if there were no addicts. The business is kept alive because of junkies. As long as OW accept that position ..... you also accept that MM will treat you how they please.... whether you accept this is another question.

 

Men (not all) can be useless in relationships anyway .... but when I was dating single guys and they didn't call when they said. . Or anything else .. I knew they were crap.. not hiding behind the wife. No excuses for their nonsense.. You don't get "my wife was around I couldn't call or the kids wanted to play"

 

When you hear those things.. you know you are an intruder in the marriage and family.

 

Go out and get that better treatment that you deserve... a man you can call and text when you want. ... without fearing repercussions.

[BuddyX]

When his wife puts the MM in the corner, I can guarantee he'll tell her "She means nothing to me". Just remember that.

If your daughter came to you with this story, what advice would you give her?

There, you have your answer.

Edited December 17, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted insult ~6

[Lady2163]

You and I have some similarities. I was in a longer driving distance friendship for many years. We never said love, but were affectionate and kind to each other. We were and still are friends. He is genuinely a decent man.

 

And that's what finally made me wake up. He had worked for 40 years to get where he is. Pillar of the community, financially well-off. Great kids. All that would be gone if we had been caught. All that gone for a screw - with me. I am quite confident he will never cheat again. He is one of those annoyingly perfect people. No addictions, no vices. I am his one goof. But since there wasn't a Dday, he didn't have to suffer because of it.

 

The last time I saw him, I knew it would be the last time. Because of schedules I knew we wouldn't connect for three months. Shortly after we were together, I told him I met a guy at work. Then I told him we had a date, then another. By the time our schedules were able to connect, I was pretty much in love and committed to this new man.

 

Only the new man didn't exist. I made him up, because I knew it was the only way MM would let me go. It was tangled and complicated, but it worked.

 

I don't know if that will work for you. And, trust me, there were days and weeks of misery, because I was still horribly alone. There were times I almost came clean or said that the new relationship was over.

 

Years ago, I worked at a place where I was being hit on by a married man. Going to HR was not an option. I had to find a way to get this guy to back off, without getting fired and without wounding him. My life would have been total hell. Finally, I said to him one day, "I've made mistakes in my life, I've done some bad things morally. I may not have always been the best person I could be. I like you, I enjoy talking to you, but tell me, what evil, awful thing have I done in this life that all I deserve is to be the mistress to a married man? Is that all I'm worth?" He thought for a really uncomfortable, long time before he said, "Your're totally right." And he never bothered me again. He was actually very protective of me. Which I kind of needed. He was in my corner.

 

I hope you're able to walk away from this. There will be better days, I'm not saying you won't struggle. If you were able to end things with him tomorrow, there's no guarantee as to how soon your heart would be ready to try again.

 

Good luck. One hour at a time, baby.