Tendency to fight back if someone is rude to me.

[E-Squared]

For a while it has been like this. Say if someone is talking to me and rude to me or somewhat disrespectful, I somehow feel like giving them a comeback in that I say something offensive to them. One of my most recent examples is when I took pictures for a class, and I was only messing with the camera. This woman assumed that I took pictures of girls running and acted as if I was some kind of pervert. I tried to play it smart by putting the camera away, but when she started walking or running back, she called me a sicko and weirdo, which then caused me to retort with, "Hey, I was not taking pictures of you" and I called her the B-word and flipped her off. Of course, it was not the best way to handle it, but she should not have jumped to conclusions like that.

 

Now I would not try doing that to, say, a supervisor or professor, but when it's other people, I feel like striking back against them. Am I in the wrong to do that?

[Samhain]

The problem with this is that sometimes we take things the wrong way from people, like strangers, we don't know their usual facial expressions or body language so it's easy to misinterpret. So if you're not sure 100% that somebody is being disrespectful to you, better to give the benefit of the doubt.

 

But with clear out and loud rude people, I'd definitely snip back at them, being passive aggressive does you more harm than good.

 

If somebody wrongfully accused me of being a pervert (I probably am) I'm not sure I'd have called her a B, but I'd definitely have said something back.. Maybe "Yeah, I was taking some snaps of you for my endangered species website"..

[carhill]

Heh, blow 'em a kiss and move on. In real life, there's life-threatening and there's everything else. Everything else is irrelevant. People aren't that important. Learning to recognize their lack of importance is more difficult for some than for others. If negative emotional memories are attached to people, not the one in front of you (the stranger in this example) due to past events, then watch for those triggers and learn different ways of processing them. Sure, you can retort, and many make a sport of it. If you think that's productive and 'evens the score', OK, go for it. You'd have a lot of company. It all depends what value you assign to the investment and product. IMO, try some different things and see what speaks to you as healthy. Go with that.

[E-Squared]

Well, another example was when I sort of went off on an old lady who said something about me standing really close to her while waiting in line at an ATM. She kind of said it in a rude tone and I also wondered why she didn't say that before she made her transaction. I also called her a B and said the F-word to her. Not my best choice to snap back and I know people would say to respect my elders, but the way she acted was a little out of line.

 

I usually consider myself a nice and respectful person, but in a lot of ways if someone doesn't treat me with respect, then I try to even the score right back at them. Of course, my parents had always told me that would stoop me to their level, which I never understand. Sometimes I would say something that is far worse than what they said to me.

[Krieger]

It could be good of bad it depends on the scenario is.

 

I worked for a store manager that would always try to pick fights or arguments with employees for no reason most of the time and if you did not fight back or say anything he will keep trying to get you to say something or do something.

[Samhain]

It could be good of bad it depends on the scenario is.

 

I worked for a store manager that would always try to pick fights or arguments with employees for no reason most of the time and if you did not fight back or say anything he will keep trying to get you to say something or do something.

 

That's the problem with most rude people. They do it to get a rise.

[SpiralOut]

It's best to let some things go. Sometimes silence gives the other person a chance to realize what they just said or what they sounded like and it makes them feel stupid - depending on how self-aware they are.

[Otter2569]

Were you mistreated as a kid (verbal abuse) or did you grow up in a house where you were not treated with respect?

 

I am the same in a lot of respects however I have trained myself to give the benefit of the doubt in most cases. When it is clear rudeness and disrespect I will come at you like a tornado. In my younger days more than one person got a much deserved punch in the face.

 

I am much more easy going today but rudeness and disrespect are two things I can NOT tolerate.

[loveweary11]

You may be giving off the wrong vibe overall.

 

I mean... both examples are cases where others felt threatened by you and lashed out at you in perceived defense.

 

This type of thing absolutely never happens to me. I'm beyond courteous and respectful of others' feelings as I go about my time in public. Both cases, you infringed upon what others though was a personal space. It's possible you aren't fully aware of personal space in a public setting.

 

I think I'm worse than you, actually in the attacking.

 

I attack when actually disrespected or wronged. Also, when someone doesn't follow the standard accepted public behavior that keeps things orderly in society.

 

Some examples:

 

Helped an old guy and his wife with bags, overhead, etc on plane. Helped wife buckle seat belt, etc. As the menu came around (jet blue), the guy literally touched my nose while pointing at the menu reaching across my seat. I ripped into him and pushed his arm away from my face. (6am mind you!)

 

I get really annoyed at immigrants in places like Walmart because they don't have a sense of how to act in public when it comes to taking up space. They just stop in the middle of the aisle, whole family, blocking it from anyone passing,. They don't pull to the side. I plow right through without a word or second glance, usually bumping into some of them.

 

People not sticking to "one, then the other" when two lanes merging. I'll run them off a cliff.

 

Possible someone standing too close in an ATM line? I might say something too.

 

So, I'm worse than you, but I think if you're not being the aggressor, as i am at times, you're presenting a problem in public that is making others uncomfortable and they are lashing out at you, just as i do to people I find out of order.

Edited December 11, 2015 by loveweary11

[TaraMaiden2]

Well, another example was when I sort of went off on an old lady who said something about me standing really close to her while waiting in line at an ATM. She kind of said it in a rude tone and I also wondered why she didn't say that before she made her transaction.

She may not have noticed you, and standing so close to her, probably scared her. She reacted with fear.Your response probably did nothing at all to allay her fears or make her feel less threatened.

You really need to think a bit about who you're talking to and what the circumstances are.

In both cases the women reacted instinctively - possibly a little hastily.

But from their PoV, they're looking at a possible, unknown threat.

 

It sounds like you're a bit of a bully when it comes to back-chatting women, aren't you?

Would you be so quick if it was a bigger guy saying those things to you, or do you get a power surge being so rude to them?

Do you think you can be, because you're a guy, and as such, maybe have the physical upper hand?

Genuinely, I'm asking....

 

 

I also called her a B and said the F-word to her. Not my best choice to snap back and I know people would say to respect my elders, but the way she acted was a little out of line.

No, it was completely understandable under the circumstances. There have been three incidents, locally, in the past 6 months of elderly people being jumped at an ATM....

One was even forced to withdraw all their money and hand it over. The vicitm was 83. The assailant was 19.

 

I usually consider myself a nice and respectful person, but in a lot of ways if someone doesn't treat me with respect, then I try to even the score right back at them.

You need to check this habit. You never know when it could legitimately land you in trouble.

 

Of course, my parents had always told me that would stoop me to their level, which I never understand. Sometimes I would say something that is far worse than what they said to me

.

And you're happy about that, are you?

[E-Squared]

Were you mistreated as a kid (verbal abuse) or did you grow up in a house where you were not treated with respect?

 

I am the same in a lot of respects however I have trained myself to give the benefit of the doubt in most cases. When it is clear rudeness and disrespect I will come at you like a tornado. In my younger days more than one person got a much deserved punch in the face.

 

I am much more easy going today but rudeness and disrespect are two things I can NOT tolerate.

Yes, I was mistreated as a child, but mostly by other kids at school and on the school bus. I was often picked on and there were times when I retaliated, even though I got in trouble for it. Of course, the adults would always perceive the retaliator as more troublesome than the instigator.

She may not have noticed you, and standing so close to her, probably scared her. She reacted with fear.Your response probably did nothing at all to allay her fears or make her feel less threatened.

You really need to think a bit about who you're talking to and what the circumstances are.

In both cases the women reacted instinctively - possibly a little hastily.

But from their PoV, they're looking at a possible, unknown threat.

 

It sounds like you're a bit of a bully when it comes to back-chatting women, aren't you?

Would you be so quick if it was a bigger guy saying those things to you, or do you get a power surge being so rude to them?

Do you think you can be, because you're a guy, and as such, maybe have the physical upper hand?

Genuinely, I'm asking....

 

 

 

No, it was completely understandable under the circumstances. There have been three incidents, locally, in the past 6 months of elderly people being jumped at an ATM....

One was even forced to withdraw all their money and hand it over. The vicitm was 83. The assailant was 19.

 

 

You need to check this habit. You never know when it could legitimately land you in trouble.

 

.

And you're happy about that, are you?

I would not say that I am happy about it, and I know that I was in the wrong about how I acted towards that old lady.

 

As for the part about me taking pictures, I tried handling it well when the girl assumed that I was taking lecherous photos of girls running, even though it was far from the truth. However, she did not have to call me a sicko in the process. So she was kind of in the wrong as well.

 

If a guy were to that to me, I don't doubt that I would do the same. However, I think I might need to work on how I react to people being rude. Of course, I have this mindset in which I tell myself, "You're going to let him get away with that?"

[TaraMaiden2]

Yes, I was mistreated as a child, but mostly by other kids at school and on the school bus. I was often picked on and there were times when I retaliated, even though I got in trouble for it. Of course, the adults would always perceive the retaliator as more troublesome than the instigator.

That's because the person who does not retaliate has the controlling upper hand. people win when you show they've got to you. By 'rising above' such things (as your parents tried to indicate) you actually turn out to be 'the bigger person'.

 

I would not say that I am happy about it, and I know that I was in the wrong about how I acted towards that old lady.

I bet a part of you felt it at the time, too.... That's the instant you need to rein that retaliating impulse in...

 

As for the part about me taking pictures, I tried handling it well when the girl assumed that I was taking lecherous photos of girls running, even though it was far from the truth. However, she did not have to call me a sicko in the process. So she was kind of in the wrong as well.

I acknowledged that in my post....

 

If a guy were to that to me, I don't doubt that I would do the same. However, I think I might need to work on how I react to people being rude. Of course, I have this mindset in which I tell myself, "You're going to let him get away with that?"

 

So far, it's been 'her' not 'him'. And it hasn't been a fact of letting them get away with it.

It's been a fact of being just as rude back, or more so, and therefore no better, even possibly worse.

 

When it's a 'him' you may find yourself compelled to let the matter ride.

 

Please try to consider your responses.

 

Sometimes the biggest way to deflate a confrontational person is to immediately say "Oh my goodness, I never thought of that! Thank you for pointing that out to me! It simply didn't occur to me that it would be seen in that way! I promise, my intention was completely neutral and innocent! I'm sorry if I caused offence!"

 

What do you suppose the reaction from the first girl, and then the elderly woman, would have been, if you'd responded like that, instead?

[Otter2569]

Not retlalliating when you are being picked on is a tough situation and the upper hand thing sounds great unless you are the one actually being picked on. When I was a kid if you didnt stand up for yourself then the bullying just kept coming because the bully knew you wouldnt do anything about it.

 

You either had to have some snappy comebacks and mitigate the situation, fight back or endure a lot of harassment.

[truthtripper]

If somebody wrongfully accused me of being a pervert (I probably am) I'm not sure I'd have called her a B, but I'd definitely have said something back.. Maybe "Yeah, I was taking some snaps of you for my endangered species website"..

It's usually the low self-confidence in people that attracts bullying. Bullies pick up on it subconsciously(it's not necessarily consciously visible) in your physical posture, your body language, facial expressions and tone of voice. The bully's intention is to anger/hurt/upset you so, as for choice of words, witty, surprising/unexpected and most importantly non-offensive comebacks as in the above, should do the trick-just a simple short and sweet comment, the more effortless the better(you don't want to show the bully you're expending too much energy on them). In converting the bully's negative energy into a possibly funny, light-hearted comeback, effectively disables the bully and gives you back the power. The average bully is in fact rather dull, so it's really not that difficult to get around them. The key is to not feel helpless when it happens.

Edited December 12, 2015 by truthtripper

[htmshsj]

Nothing "wrong" with it per se. Even though it makes you feel vindicated for a brief moment, you'll quickly gain a reputation as being volatile and thin-skinned. People will feel they have to walk on egg shells around you or always put on the kid gloves. And no one really wants to be around anyone like that. They might tolerate it because they have to in certain situations.

 

This will limit your prospects in life, both professionally and romantically. But hey, if all that is worth feeling validated for a couple seconds with a total stranger, go for it. Who am I to tell you how to live your life?

[thefooloftheyear]

While I am expensive to feed, being a pretty big guy with a bunch of tats has its advantages.....No one ever really fcks with me...

 

But in all seriousness, you need to be careful...And it also depends on where you live..".Rudeness" is relative...I've been all over this country..People are very polite generally in the South...Around here(Northeast), a little old lady will tell you to go fck yourself for practically nothing and no one bats an eye over it...

 

TFY

[loveweary11]

While I am expensive to feed, being a pretty big guy with a bunch of tats has its advantages.....No one ever really fcks with me...

 

But in all seriousness, you need to be careful...And it also depends on where you live..".Rudeness" is relative...I've been all over this country..People are very polite generally in the South...Around here(Northeast), a little old lady will tell you to go fck yourself for practically nothing and no one bats an eye over it...

 

TFY

 

So true about the old ladies in ny/nj!

 

Question about being the big tat guy (from a medium size guy): Have you ever found those idiots looking for fights actually seek you out to prove themselves?

 

If I do have guy friends (and it's rare), they are usually like 6'4 and huge. The runts that are out to prove themselves invariably seek out the bigger guys and start arguments. No matter how nice the big guy is.

 

That dynamic ever happen to you?

[E-Squared]

Not retlalliating when you are being picked on is a tough situation and the upper hand thing sounds great unless you are the one actually being picked on. When I was a kid if you didnt stand up for yourself then the bullying just kept coming because the bully knew you wouldnt do anything about it.

 

You either had to have some snappy comebacks and mitigate the situation, fight back or endure a lot of harassment.

 

I agree. Tara may have a point, but sometimes I would rather strike back than be someone's whipping boy.

[TaraMaiden2]

I agree. Tara may have a point, but sometimes I would rather strike back than be someone's whipping boy.

 

Your problem is that you have knee-jerk reactions which make it difficult for you to pause and work out which is which.

 

If you fire off like a loose cannon EVERY time, you're going to cultivate yourself a poor reputation.

 

You need to learn to pause, evaluate and decide on an appropriate response.

 

But retaliating in a like-for-like way, is NEVER appropriate.

I've come to appreciate that, over time.

[E-Squared]

Your problem is that you have knee-jerk reactions which make it difficult for you to pause and work out which is which.

 

If you fire off like a loose cannon EVERY time, you're going to cultivate yourself a poor reputation.

 

You need to learn to pause, evaluate and decide on an appropriate response.

 

But retaliating in a like-for-like way, is NEVER appropriate.

I've come to appreciate that, over time.

Haven't you heard the saying "An eye for an eye"?

[TaraMaiden2]

Haven't you heard the saying "An eye for an eye"?

 

Yes.

The commonly-held finisher is ..."Makes the whole world blind".

 

That's very 'Old Testament' and actually rejected as a skilful way to go.

 

If you look at the whole quotation, Biblically, Jesus denounces it as bad advice, because he adds -

"Truly, I say to you, turn the other cheek"

 

Which actually does not indicate you should be meek and submissive.

Read this link.

(There are others like it.)

It means defying those who strike us in a dignified and non-aggressive way.

Which is bascically what we've been trying to explain to you all along.

[GorillaTheater]

Tara's right (of course), but something I'd add regarding this "eye for an eye" business. From what I've read, it wasn't meant to advocate revenge, it was meant to moderate revenge. In other words, if someone plucks your eye out, you don't kill everyone in his village. Rather, you limit your revenge to what's proportional.

 

 

Even by that standard, your responses to things that have angered you are over the top and in violation.

[E-Squared]

Tara's right (of course), but something I'd add regarding this "eye for an eye" business. From what I've read, it wasn't meant to advocate revenge, it was meant to moderate revenge. In other words, if someone plucks your eye out, you don't kill everyone in his village. Rather, you limit your revenge to what's proportional.

 

 

Even by that standard, your responses to things that have angered you are over the top and in violation.

 

The only time that it was over-the-top was when I lashed at that old woman. The other woman who assumed I was a pervert for taking pictures, she jumped the gun a bit.

[TaraMaiden2]

The only time that it was over-the-top was when I lashed at that old woman. The other woman who assumed I was a pervert for taking pictures, she jumped the gun a bit.

 

That doesn't excuse sinking to her level.

Remember as a guy, you're intimidating to a woman. If a guy had blown you out for being a pervert, you in all probability wouldn't have been so quick to back-slap him verbally.

[E-Squared]

That doesn't excuse sinking to her level.

Remember as a guy, you're intimidating to a woman. If a guy had blown you out for being a pervert, you in all probability wouldn't have been so quick to back-slap him verbally.

What makes you so sure?