Financial issues/weight gain/lack of trust ripping us apart?

[SaveYourHeart]

My husband and I got married a little over a year ago. Things were great then, we'd been dating and living together for three years and were madly in love.

 

Since the wedding, we've both changed in our own ways. I tried to fill the wedding planning void in my life with helping others and animals and he took the change in my routine as a sign that I was cheating on him. He's not great about communicating with me, so he didn't tell me about his very wrong assumption until he hit his breaking point and ordered me out of his life. Fortunately, we worked through that and talked about working better on communication for both of us. For the most part, he was just offended by not always being my #1 priority, and I understand that.

 

Time went by with minor arguments, most of which were about money. We both have decent jobs, but with the debt from the wedding, vacations and bills ($5k), we're living paycheck to paycheck. I come from a family that has been mulit-million rich to bankruptcy, foreclosures, and uncertainty in less than a 5 year span. I learned to live without money and I always worked hard for the money I had. Because of my parents' debt, I do not own a credit card. I am terrified of borrowing someone else's money and having the obligation of paying it back at an inflated interest rate. It's just something I'm not interested in. Hubby on the other hand, has two credit cards and together we dug a nasty hole for ourselves. We barely scrape by with bills. It makes him furious. So angry that we're not celebrating Christmas this year. We aren't even getting a tree. I can't buy Christmas toys for our pets and I think that breaks my heart the most.

 

I can't remember the last time he told me that I was beautiful without me prompting him. The other day he looked up the average weight for a woman my age and height. He then asked me if I fell into that range, I responded no but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm obese (I'm a size 8-10). He raised his eyebrows at me. I have gained probably 30 pounds since we got married. I'm not proud of that, but he's gained weight too.

 

I just feel like I'm never happy anymore. I've told him that and that I want to go to counseling but he doesn't want to do anything to fix it. We rarely have sex. It's always either super high or super low with us, there's no middle ground, no comfort, just blissfully in love or ripping each other's throats out. We never go on dates, we come home say hi and sit in our recliners watching tv until it's time to go to bed (8:30). This is not what I wanted with my life.

 

I talk to him about my dreams and he brings me back down to earth and crushes my ideas because they aren't "logical" and I'm not good at finishing things. Is he pushing me away? I'm in my early 20's and I have no idea what to do about this. I've tried showering him in compliments, communicating, offering to sell my stuff so that we can get back on our feet, marriage counseling, individual counseling.

 

I'm at the point I don't know whether or not to start drafting my own divorce. I hate that idea and I don't think I could ever go through with it unless that was what he wanted. I feel guilty because I supported his decision to take a lower paying job that would pay for his degree, and if I left him he wouldn't be able to make the house payment along with the other bills we have each month. I couldn't do that to him. I'm just so tired and I'm so sad all the time. I feel like I can't have friends because of his trust issues and I have no one to talk to. I keep a journal but it only helps so much.

 

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix this?

Edited December 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[pondhawk]

Unfortunately I do not know how to fix it, I wish I did. There are a lot of stresses going on here. Financial stress is a killer. It effects many different areas of your life, which could lead to depression, lack of sex, and weight gain. Would you say that was the stem of it?

 

Can you downsize your living condition? Maybe find an apartment and try to live off of one income until you have substantial savings? I myself would love to do this but my hubby is not on board. You cannot make a decision like this by yourself, so I understand it can be frustrating.

 

Do you think you gained the weight because of money problems? I'm not picking on you or anything, but +30 lbs in a little over a year is fast. Maybe your husband was in fear that the weight gain would keep increasing? I'm sure it put a damper on his sexual desire.

 

You might not be able to fix the money problem on your own if he doesn't agree to make radical changed, however you can make changes to yourself by exercising and eating properly. Easier said than done, I know, but you have the power here.

 

I bet if he sees you making this change, not only will your sex life increase, but he might not discount your dreams as he sees you actively making changes in your life and following through.

 

Best of wishes to you! Try to stay away from the "divorce" idea and put your nose to the grindstone to make some personal changes.

[Mr. Lucky]

We both have decent jobs, but with the debt from the wedding, vacations and bills ($5k), we're living paycheck to paycheck. I come from a family that has been mulit-million rich to bankruptcy, foreclosures, and uncertainty in less than a 5 year span. I learned to live without money and I always worked hard for the money I had. Because of my parents' debt, I do not own a credit card. I am terrified of borrowing someone else's money and having the obligation of paying it back at an inflated interest rate. It's just something I'm not interested in.

 

Seems somewhat disingenuous on your part. Are you saying the debt for the wedding, vacations, etc., was incurred against your will or behind your back?

 

As a married couple, you're jointly obligated to repay.

 

Do you work yourself ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[RecentChange]

Few thoughts and questions.

 

Number ONE! - What is your exercise routine? My first piece of advice would be to add some daily exercise. This will help your mood, help you cope with stress, and help you manage your weight. Exercise is a great way to clear your mind, and focus on yourself, and your needs. Many positive benefits.

 

How is your money handled? Joint account? Separate? Equal earners? Whats the story on the credit card debt? How much? Is the interest rate crazy due to a default etc? If so, call the CC company and ask for them to work with you on a payment plan, they can usually set up a reasonable monthly payment (with the CC shut OFF!) and get those bills paid down till they are gone.

 

Marriage is about a PARTNERSHIP, as if you two were running a company together, you need to come up with systems to manage everything, I am kinda surprised these problems came up only after you two became official on paper.

 

It seems odd to me that he would jump to the conclusion you were cheating, and to take it so far as to want to break up over it. Any idea why he would think that?

 

So what to do? How to fix this? I don't think there will be a silver bullet, but I can tell you when I have hit rough patches in my relationship, focusing on MYSELF is actually what helped the most. My health, my sanity, my finances etc - you can't change or control other people, but if you can control yourself. Others can't make you happy, only you can do that.

 

There is no reason why people in their early 20's should be spending the evenings on the barka-lounger and going to bed at 8:30! Find some healthy hobbies to fill your time.

 

And if everything does go to pot, and you do end up divorced, wouldn't be better to be in a stronger mental, physical, and financial situation to cope with that if it does happen?

 

P.S., the animals have zero concept of Christmas, they aren't missing the presents. If you want to do something for the holidays, volunteer, it will make you feel better than buying anything made in China.

Edited December 10, 2015 by RecentChange

[GunslingerRoland]

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but are you saying that this debt that you're so concerned about is only $5K? Maybe you need to get a little more comfortable with the idea finances and debt. To me, a 20 something couple with only $5K in debt is amazing. Between mortgages, and school loans, and car loans, I think the average person owes a couple of hundred thousand typically at that age. I'm not saying, that is a good thing, but you've got to keep it in perspective that, it's a very small amount of money. And you are blaming it on your husband, but it sounds like much of it was for your wedding...

 

 

As for your marriage itself though, a lot of concerning things. Life can be pretty stressful, but I'm not hearing you talk about a lot of the main stressers, and yet you are already having issues. The fact you are considering divorce already is sad, what was the point of getting married if it was just to end it at the first little sign of struggle?

[d0nnivain]

Communication is key here as is a budget. You can fix this if you work together but you both need to start acting like you are a team because that is what you are a couple, no longer just individuals.

[Myragal]

As a nurse my priority would be health.

 

Your relationship is dead. But you aren't.

 

Want to be even further down the sink hole?...get pregnant. Then you can be in the same mess and also a single parent.

 

The worse thing that can happen is things improve 'a bit'...you sort of get along, you get pregnant...then it is all back to square one in a couple years.

 

Water under the bridge but attended the best wedding of my life this past August...total cost was probably under $200.

[oldshirt]

- A independent, for-fee financial advisor can help you organize a budget, pay off debt, come up with short and long term financials plans and work out the financial issues.

 

- a marital counselor can help reconcile your different beliefs about money and help you to communicate and work out differences in a more constructive manner.

 

- People who have irrational and out-of-proportion fears of cheating/jealousy are often the ones with bad behavior themselves.

 

- a 30 lb weight gain in a year by someone in their early 20s not due to pregnancy is quite startling, very unhealthy and unjustifiable. That doesn't give him licence to be mean to you about it, but 30lbs in a year is a terrible weight gain and not only makes you look bad but also has many negative health effects. He doesn't have a right to be insulting, but he does have a reason to be concerned about it and to address it.

 

- That rapid of weight gain is either an unhealthy diet and lifestyle or it could be a warning sign of a serious health condition. Consulting a physician in addition to financial advisor and MC would also be warranted.

[SJS]

What's up with his trust issues? Is there a backstory to this?

 

Will he do free things with you, such as volunteering or going for walks? He may not be open to counseling because it costs money. Maybe pick up some books at the library, like the 5 Love Languages, and see if he'll read them with you at home. Whatever you do, don't mention divorce to him unless you really mean it.

[66Charger]

I only have advice on something that might get you two talking and a little healthier too.

 

Start walking. Make him do it. Walk 30 minutes out from your house, then you will have to walk 30 minutes back. Make a agreement that you will not talk the first 30 minutes. Then talk on the way home.

 

The first 30 minutes will alleviate some stress. Clear you brain. Help you NOT TO TALK WITHOUT THINKING. Since you both gained 30 lbs, make a agreement to walk 30 times within 90 days.

 

That should put you right around Valentines day

 

Looking and feeling better with hours of communication.

 

Give it a shot. Its free.

[SaveYourHeart]

Unfortunately I do not know how to fix it, I wish I did. There are a lot of stresses going on here. Financial stress is a killer. It effects many different areas of your life, which could lead to depression, lack of sex, and weight gain. Would you say that was the stem of it?

 

Can you downsize your living condition? Maybe find an apartment and try to live off of one income until you have substantial savings? I myself would love to do this but my hubby is not on board. You cannot make a decision like this by yourself, so I understand it can be frustrating.

 

Do you think you gained the weight because of money problems? I'm not picking on you or anything, but +30 lbs in a little over a year is fast. Maybe your husband was in fear that the weight gain would keep increasing? I'm sure it put a damper on his sexual desire.

 

You might not be able to fix the money problem on your own if he doesn't agree to make radical changed, however you can make changes to yourself by exercising and eating properly. Easier said than done, I know, but you have the power here.

 

I bet if he sees you making this change, not only will your sex life increase, but he might not discount your dreams as he sees you actively making changes in your life and following through.

 

Best of wishes to you! Try to stay away from the "divorce" idea and put your nose to the grindstone to make some personal changes.

He bought his house before I was in the picture and won't consider downsizing. The weight thing has been a big issue for me as well as for him. 4 years ago I stopped eating completely and pumped myself full of diet pills. At my thinnest I weighed 100 lbs. My doctor thinks I killed my metabolism when that happened. I count my calories (1100 max) but exercise was put on the backburner when my Grandfather fell back in September.

[SaveYourHeart]

Seems somewhat disingenuous on your part. Are you saying the debt for the wedding, vacations, etc., was incurred against your will or behind your back?

 

As a married couple, you're jointly obligated to repay.

 

Do you work yourself ?

 

Mr. Lucky

I'm not saying the debt was incurred behind my back, I'm saying that I would have preferred to pay things outright instead of putting them on a credit card. I do work and I bring home the bigger paycheck but I am blamed for our debt.

[SaveYourHeart]

Few thoughts and questions.

 

Number ONE! - What is your exercise routine? My first piece of advice would be to add some daily exercise. This will help your mood, help you cope with stress, and help you manage your weight. Exercise is a great way to clear your mind, and focus on yourself, and your needs. Many positive benefits.

 

How is your money handled? Joint account? Separate? Equal earners? Whats the story on the credit card debt? How much? Is the interest rate crazy due to a default etc? If so, call the CC company and ask for them to work with you on a payment plan, they can usually set up a reasonable monthly payment (with the CC shut OFF!) and get those bills paid down till they are gone.

 

Marriage is about a PARTNERSHIP, as if you two were running a company together, you need to come up with systems to manage everything, I am kinda surprised these problems came up only after you two became official on paper.

 

It seems odd to me that he would jump to the conclusion you were cheating, and to take it so far as to want to break up over it. Any idea why he would think that?

 

So what to do? How to fix this? I don't think there will be a silver bullet, but I can tell you when I have hit rough patches in my relationship, focusing on MYSELF is actually what helped the most. My health, my sanity, my finances etc - you can't change or control other people, but if you can control yourself. Others can't make you happy, only you can do that.

 

There is no reason why people in their early 20's should be spending the evenings on the barka-lounger and going to bed at 8:30! Find some healthy hobbies to fill your time.

 

And if everything does go to pot, and you do end up divorced, wouldn't be better to be in a stronger mental, physical, and financial situation to cope with that if it does happen?

 

P.S., the animals have zero concept of Christmas, they aren't missing the presents. If you want to do something for the holidays, volunteer, it will make you feel better than buying anything made in China.

We have a joint bank account but he has both of the credit cards. I use a debit card. We were jogging in the evenings before my Grandfather fell in September, but we haven't worked out together since then. We have many dogs so they enjoyed the runs too, I'm going to try to get back into that habit soon, even though it never affected my weight.

[SaveYourHeart]

As a nurse my priority would be health.

 

Your relationship is dead. But you aren't.

 

Want to be even further down the sink hole?...get pregnant. Then you can be in the same mess and also a single parent.

 

The worse thing that can happen is things improve 'a bit'...you sort of get along, you get pregnant...then it is all back to square one in a couple years.

 

Water under the bridge but attended the best wedding of my life this past August...total cost was probably under $200.

Fortunately for him, he doesn't want kids so we won't be getting pregnant any time soon, or ever unless he changes his mind.

[SaveYourHeart]

What's up with his trust issues? Is there a backstory to this?

 

Will he do free things with you, such as volunteering or going for walks? He may not be open to counseling because it costs money. Maybe pick up some books at the library, like the 5 Love Languages, and see if he'll read them with you at home. Whatever you do, don't mention divorce to him unless you really mean it.

Free things aren't really "free" to him because it "wastes gas". He has no interest in the library or any other ideas I've thrown out as cheap or free. I did buy the 5 Languages of Love book but he never read it.

 

The backstory for the trust issues happened very early in our relationship when I was 19. I couldn't decide whether or not to take the plunge and start a relationship with him or if I wanted to pursue someone else. I never cheated, but I didn't stop speaking with the other guy right away which was wrong and completely unjustified, but we moved on and worked through it (so I thought) and years later right after we get married he tells me he never trusted me and will never trust me 100%. But I would never ever cheat on him, I wouldn't even consider it. He's the love of my life.

[SaveYourHeart]

I only have advice on something that might get you two talking and a little healthier too.

 

Start walking. Make him do it. Walk 30 minutes out from your house, then you will have to walk 30 minutes back. Make a agreement that you will not talk the first 30 minutes. Then talk on the way home.

 

The first 30 minutes will alleviate some stress. Clear you brain. Help you NOT TO TALK WITHOUT THINKING. Since you both gained 30 lbs, make a agreement to walk 30 times within 90 days.

 

That should put you right around Valentines day

 

Looking and feeling better with hours of communication.

 

Give it a shot. Its free.

We used to do that before my Grandfather fell. We'd walk every night with the dogs. It was great. We haven't walked together since September and he's not interested in doing that anymore. I'll start walking again soon though.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Does he realize how unhappy you are? Hes not being vey helpful vetoing all your suggestions like that. Maybe its time for a serious discussion - he needs to understand that things have to change.

 

Another thing you said struck me as a major red flag. He doesnt kids, so you wont be getting pregnant anytime soom unless he changes his mind. What does that mean? That you want kids but are accepting his decision not to have them? If thats he case, to me that seems like a major incompatibility. I dont know how you marry someone with whom you dont agree on such an important topic. Its not something most people are happy compromising on.

[SaveYourHeart]

Does he realize how unhappy you are? Hes not being vey helpful vetoing all your suggestions like that. Maybe its time for a serious discussion - he needs to understand that things have to change.

 

Another thing you said struck me as a major red flag. He doesnt kids, so you wont be getting pregnant anytime soom unless he changes his mind. What does that mean? That you want kids but are accepting his decision not to have them? If thats he case, to me that seems like a major incompatibility. I dont know how you marry someone with whom you dont agree on such an important topic. Its not something most people are happy compromising on.

When we started dating, he asked what I wanted with my life. I thought a lot (you know I was young and I wanted to sit on the couch eating pizza, but I also wanted to be a billionaire...) and I reflected on my life. I finally told him that I wanted children, I wanted to be a mom. He thought that was a great answer. Months after we got married he decided he didn't want kids anymore. It was quite surprising. He's almost 30, and I'm only 23 so I think maybe one day he'll change his mind. I have plenty of time. But I don't want to wake up 42 and childless one day and regret my entire life.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Wow you are only in your early 20's, before I read that I thought you were a middle aged couple, that is sad.

 

Maybe you're a little co-dependent. You need to just focus on YOURSELF. Whatever you are doing that's contributing to bringing your life and your spirits down you need to do something about. It's too bad that you can't have the support and participation of your husband. Anyway, the weight (NOT because he bugs you about it but for your own sake) is one thing to address, the sedentary lifestyle, your financial situation - I know that is joint but you are allowing him to have the control. Even having kids - you said you won't get pregnant soon UNLESS HE CHANGES HIS MIND. What about you?

 

Maybe it would help you to join a gym or take a pilates class or some other thing to get you out of the house sometimes in the evenings, and with some other people - even though it will cost some $$ - not very much. It would be worth it.

 

I'm really sorry though that things are so tough for you. It sounds truly depressing.

[SaveYourHeart]

Wow you are only in your early 20's, before I read that I thought you were a middle aged couple, that is sad.

 

Maybe you're a little co-dependent. You need to just focus on YOURSELF. Whatever you are doing that's contributing to bringing your life and your spirits down you need to do something about. It's too bad that you can't have the support and participation of your husband. Anyway, the weight (NOT because he bugs you about it but for your own sake) is one thing to address, the sedentary lifestyle, your financial situation - I know that is joint but you are allowing him to have the control. Even having kids - you said you won't get pregnant soon UNLESS HE CHANGES HIS MIND. What about you?

 

Maybe it would help you to join a gym or take a pilates class or some other thing to get you out of the house sometimes in the evenings, and with some other people - even though it will cost some $$ - not very much. It would be worth it.

 

I'm really sorry though that things are so tough for you. It sounds truly depressing.

I am a little dependent on what he thinks of me. I am just one of those people that needs positive affirmation. I've never been like this in previous relationships because my exs were always comfortable telling me that they loved me and that I was beautiful even if I were overweight.

 

It truly is depressing, this way we've been living for the past year. Since the "you're cheating on me" freakout, I've felt like I can't spend time with friends and I can't go out. My family lives in another state so it's not like I can run home if I need to. I literally get up, go to work, cry, pull myself together, come home and act like everything's fine. I've talked to him dozens of times about my needs as a human being and his needs as well. Every time he says he'll work on it, and then we go back to this. It's absolutely the most miserable I've ever been in my entire life.

[Rejected Rosebud]

. Since the "you're cheating on me" freakout, I've felt like I can't spend time with friends and I can't go out.

Well you need to take a stand for yourself and do it anyway. If you can't do this you probably could use some counseling on your own to help you get the courage & strength!

 

My family lives in another state so it's not like I can run home if I need to.

since your family is so far away why was your grandfather's fall determining your whole home life? I got the idea that you had to take care of him???

 

I literally get up, go to work, cry, pull myself together, come home and act like everything's fine. I've talked to him dozens of times about my needs as a human being and his needs as well. Every time he says he'll work on it, and then we go back to this. It's absolutely the most miserable I've ever been in my entire life.

I'm sorry. But this is why you need to just take care of yourself and work on the parts of it that YOU have control over. You can't be waiting for him to change or take the lead, you have to just do what you need to for yourself. It will be the best thing for your marriage, either he will start to take you seriously and follow your lead, or if not you will be strong enough to leave it if that is necessary.

[SaveYourHeart]

Well you need to take a stand for yourself and do it anyway. If you can't do this you probably could use some counseling on your own to help you get the courage & strength!

 

since your family is so far away why was your grandfather's fall determining your whole home life? I got the idea that you had to take care of him???

 

I'm sorry. But this is why you need to just take care of yourself and work on the parts of it that YOU have control over. You can't be waiting for him to change or take the lead, you have to just do what you need to for yourself. It will be the best thing for your marriage, either he will start to take you seriously and follow your lead, or if not you will be strong enough to leave it if that is necessary.

My Grandfather lived here with his wife, I'm the only family they have here. Everyone else moved away. Two weeks after my Grandfather died, Hubby started getting frustrated with how long it took me to move on, and how much time I wasn't spending with him. I just don't understand why he wants me to focus on him all the time if he's not going to do anything other than sit in front of the tv.

 

I'm going to try harder to just better myself and make sure I'm happy. If he wants to join me, he can. Thank you for your support

[Ms. Faust]

For what it's worth, having a credit card does not automatically mean paying interest. I have not used my debit card in over 10 years and my husband has NEVER used a debit card, we have always only used credit cards. To date, we have never paid a dime in interest. Everything is set up to automatically be paid out, so honestly I do not even see how much is owed on the credit card until I receive the statement to review. we also do not live paycheck to paycheck, and have an emergency fund.

 

It sounds like you both ended up in the financial predicament, it's just you used the credit in his name rather than your own. You started your post by saying you took a lot of time to plan the wedding. You also said

 

I'm not saying the debt was incurred behind my back, I'm saying that I would have preferred to pay things outright instead of putting them on a credit card.

 

If this is the case, why didn't you? Did he make you put the debt on the credit card? Did he say, "You want it, you can have it... ok, we don't have the money now, but we have this Capital One card..." Or did you feel that you had a wedding to plan and you had a time frame, and it was easier to buy now and pay later? Be honest with yourself. If you truly prefer to pay outright then it seems like you would have said: "ok, we don't have the money, this wedding and these vacations are going to have to wait!" It sounds more to me like you prefer to pay outright until someone else (your husband in this case) is willing to put it on their credit. And then you're fine with that.

 

When it comes to your weight while I think that 30 lbs in six months is a quick gain I think your husband's approach is wrong. Plus, are you really overweight, or are you just at the size you should be now?

 

You all need to take the initiative and work on things together. What you have going: a small amount of debt and a small amount of weight gain, both of which could be easily tackled.

 

Look into snowballing your debt, and go from there. 5k is nothing. For reasonable income earners that should be knocked out in less than 6 months.

 

Get back into exercising. Instead of melting into your recliner, go for a walk. Do something! There are tons of free activities that you guys can be doing together.

 

I would also revisit the issue on children. I am assuming that had he told you in advance he didn't want kids you would have thought twice about marrying him. This is stuff you need to talk (not fight) with him about. When you two married you committed to the rest of your lives together, and it's not going to work if communication is not involved.

 

Life is not going to solve itself. There really is a lot of truth to the old adage of grabbing the bull by the horns.

Edited December 11, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[sandylee1]

I find it unacceptable that he knew you wanted children and has now after marriage... decided to change his mind. Personally ... that ALONE would be reason enough to divorce.... I don't want to have to persuade my husband to have kids.

 

Has he told you why he doesn't want kids? I know it's not a good time until you get financially stable anyway.

 

 

I think he knew he didn't want kids... but kept that from you. ...so you wouldn't leave the relationship. That's just selfish.

 

You are young ..... don't settle for no kids if you want them and if he refuses to read books or do stuff with you.. just do it alone. Try and enjoy your alone time.

[StBreton]

There are so many red flags here I'm going to create a spreadsheet analysis and post later.

 

Suffice to say, if you guys don't get into counseling (and hubby makes some changes/you become less co-dependent), your marriage is doomed.