Financial issues/weight gain/lack of trust ripping us apart?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not saying the debt was incurred behind my back, I'm saying that I would have preferred to pay things outright instead of putting them on a credit card. I do work and I bring home the bigger paycheck but I am blamed for our debt.

 

Assuming you have access to the accounts and there are available funds, why not pay off the balances?

 

Mr. Lucky

[cichlid]

Within a year after getting married he came up with the idea that you were cheating on him and he ordered you out of his life.

 

That's.. really bad.

 

Especially given that it's not the least bit true.

 

Forget everything else, that other stuff is bad too but pales in comparison to the whole "you're cheating get out of my life" thing.

 

There are serious issues here, and it's not going to get better, if anything it will get a whole lot worse, unless you two have some sort of intervention with the assistance of a trained professional. Nothing less will do.

[SaveYourHeart]

Assuming you have access to the accounts and there are available funds, why not pay off the balances?

 

Mr. Lucky

At the time, we had enough money to pay off the wedding and the vacations, but it would leave us with no money to pay bills, so it went on the credit card which I do not have access to. My name isn't on the account and I've never personally used it, though we have made decisions regarding large purchases together (i.e. I chose to pay for the new flooring with the debit card because I simply did not want to have to pay it off later). Now, after several purchases and hard times, we do not have the money in the account to pay it off. I understand that at 23 years old, having paid off my student loans and the only debt I have is this credit card debt, I'm doing pretty good, and with time things will be fine financially. It's ok to struggle and live simply. My husband has never fallen on hard times and is extremely frustrated.

[Ms. Faust]

At the time, we had enough money to pay off the wedding and the vacations, but it would leave us with no money to pay bills, so it went on the credit card which I do not have access to. My name isn't on the account and I've never personally used it, though we have made decisions regarding large purchases together (i.e. I chose to pay for the new flooring with the debit card because I simply did not want to have to pay it off later). Now, after several purchases and hard times, we do not have the money in the account to pay it off. I understand that at 23 years old, having paid off my student loans and the only debt I have is this credit card debt, I'm doing pretty good, and with time things will be fine financially. It's ok to struggle and live simply. My husband has never fallen on hard times and is extremely frustrated.

 

It's not your debt. Your name is not on the credit cards. It's your husband's. If you were to divorce tomorrow you would not have to worry about that debt. It is 100% his responsibility and it is affecting his credit if the cards are at high utilization.

 

I would have opted to pay the bills and save for later the wedding/vacation.Sorry, I would be a bit miffed to.

 

That, however, only accounts for the financial aspects. I do think, from what you have said, he is being a jerk about other things.

Edited December 11, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[ShatteredLady]

Look on Craig's list, free cycle, charity shops & spend $5 on a Christmas tree & make some silly little decorations. You only live once! I've lived very poor & very happy. Being miserable & ignoring special events adds to your misery.

 

Can you get zero interest cards? I pay for everything on credit cards & pay it off every month, saving the 'cash back' for special treats. I consider it free money. I also put all our change in a pot & forget it exists until I need it.

 

You have MUCH bigger problems. I'm a people pleaser too. PLEASE listen to me or you will wake-up one day in your 40's filled with pain & regret. YOU are important. It's natural to have a post wedding day slump (our Vic even warned about it!) you're so busy & excited before. Do things for you.

 

The having kids thing is so important to sort out! It's a deal breaker.

 

The best way to fix your metabolism is to gain muscle tone. I have a degenerative spine. I have a list of medical restrictions, no running, jogging, jumping etc. it's REALLY hard to control my weight. There are gentle exercises, yoga routines on YouTube etc to use. To be honest nothing puts weight on me faster than being insulted by my loved one!! Stress & depression packs on the pounds. Have you had your thyroid checked?

 

How bad 30lb weight gain is really depends on how much 'normal' weight you starved off for your wedding day!

[CTRL C]

I have gained probably 30 pounds since we got married. I'm not proud of that, but he's gained weight too.

 

I just feel like I'm never happy anymore.

 

Hey SaveYourHeart,

 

Not to stress you out over some weight, but I'd make an appointment with an OBGYN. If it wasn't a bounce back from wedding dieting, the weight gain could very well be caused by imbalanced hormones, which contribute to the down feelings as well (and then stress messes up hormones, a big circle). This means estrogen, testosterone, insulin, etc. - they all work together. It's easy to get some tests run, and better to have the information on hand than leave yourself wondering. Trust me, I got 80 lb over 18 months at around your age before figuring out mine (I say "around your age" like it was way back but really, 3 years ago lol, but apparently early 20s is when these things manifest) and might've gained more if my doc didn't help me learn to rein it in. HIIT and weight training, high fiber diet help a lot. Birth control is a popular option as well.

 

I'm afraid I'm not in a position to be helpful on anything else. Much love though <3

[Just a Guy]

Hi Saveyourheart, I have read through your thread and I have to say your marriage is in dire straits. I think one of the principal reasons is the age difference between you and your husband. Even now you are very young and probably have not developed into the person you will eventually become. He on the other hand was 26 when you started living together and had had time to mature. You probably ignored the warnings your subconscious mind was giving you early on in your relationship when you had another relationship going on at the same time. It seems your husband was able to hypnotise you into committing to him and you remained in a trance until the hard reality of marriage brought you down to mother earth. It is surprising that in three years of living together you were not able to identify the signs of the problems which beset your marriage today. Your husband comes across as very insecure and is apparently a control freak to boot. He has taken advantage of your naivete and enticed you into a relationship with him. On your part, with your background of having lived through bankruptsy and hard times, he must have appeared as an attractive option because he already had his own home and seemed well set in life. Unfortunately for you, you are learning a little late in life that material things are less important than a conducive and loving atmosphere at home for one to be truly happy.

Something you said about being the unhappiest in your life at this point of time plus also your remark about wondering whether you should draft your divorce papers makes me believe your marriage is over and it is only a matter of time before one of you ups and moves out. If that is a distinct possibility then I would suggest you be the one to throw in the towel. You certainly have the most to gain in leaving an unhappy marriage and there really is no point flogging a dead horse. Best wishes to you.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Just a Guy

[Anderlie]

OP, I'm seeing a lot of what your husband wants being adhered to and it worries me because this is what he wants:

 

- A wife who comes straight home to him, neglecting her own exercise and physical well-being

 

BUT

 

- He also wants a wife that stays svelte and in shape, to the point he'll badger her about her measurements (despite his own obvious weight gain)

 

He wants:

 

- No debt but despite being the smaller earner he'll rack it up anyway

 

BUT

 

- It's somehow all your fault even though your damn name isn't even on the card

 

He wants:

 

- A wife who focuses on his needs 100% all the time, to the exclusion of friends and family - constant devotion

 

BUT

 

- Will order you out of his life on a whim at the drop of a hat with no good reason, no evidence and no warning

 

He wants:

 

- To work on things so he claims

 

BUT

 

- Vetoes every single one of the very practical ideas you have had to try and fix things

 

Hon, I don't even know why you have stayed this long. You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you and you're wasting your best years with this jerk. It's all well and good to want your marriage to succeed but he has to want it too and he doesn't, he just wants a good little lap dog. Ask yourself why you don't think you deserve more because you do.

[Els]

OP, 21 is very young to marry in this day and age - it works out for a few people but doesn't work for many others. I wish you'd had someone you trusted to advise you against that. Did either of you date others before you met each other? Did you have any time at all to experience life as an independent single young adult?

 

It sounds like you're just starting to realize what sort of man your husband is, and the answer isn't pretty. I think that regardless of what happens in your R, you need to start learning to focus on yourself and your own well-being, and to try to bring yourself to a place where you feel happy or at least content with yourself and your life.

 

So, go out and exercise, go out and meet your friends, don't let your husband tear down your dreams or discourage you from reaching for them. If your H has issues with you going out without him (within reasonable boundaries, of course, don't go and spend the night with another man or something), that's on HIM, not you. You can't let him stop you from living life.

 

If he won't go to counseling with you, hopefully with you in a better place he will feel inspired to try and dig himself out of the rut as well. If he isn't open to all of that, maybe it's time to cut your losses and leave. You have your whole life ahead of you, no point spending all of it with someone like that.

[Diezel]

How much was this wedding and honeymoon?

[SaveYourHeart]

How much was this wedding and honeymoon?

Around $6k total. I know it sounds like a ridiculous amount of money, but I actually got a really good deal on the venue which covered everything. Normally the venue costs $35k on a Friday night. I got it for $4k.

[lucy_in_disguise]

6k for a wedding and honeymoon sounds pretty cheap, if you are really including all the expenditures in that value.

 

I kinda feel like theres more to this story. No one gets bent out of shape at 5k debt- at least, no one ought to. Thats barely a drop in the bucket compared to how much debt many people your age are lugging around. Anyone with a reasonable income could pay that off in a year. And if you dont have a reasonable income, these days you can easily supplement that by participating in the sharing economy through uber, airbnb, etc.

 

I also dont understand how you went from happily long-term dating and living together, to marriage in crisis within a year. Based on your OP, your husband sounds like a controlling, miserly ashsole. How did you fail to pick up on this while dating him for 3 years?

 

Its ok if you realize you made a mistake in marrying him because you are too young/ dont think hes right for you/ whatever... but the story doesnt really add up.

[Els]

6k for a wedding and honeymoon sounds pretty cheap, if you are really including all the expenditures in that value.

 

I kinda feel like theres more to this story. No one gets bent out of shape at 5k debt- at least, no one ought to. Thats barely a drop in the bucket compared to how much debt many people your age are lugging around. Anyone with a reasonable income could pay that off in a year.

 

Honestly, the vast majority of 22 yos would not be able to do that (pay off 6k debt in a year). Most 22 yos are either fresh grads or non-college-grads who have only been working for 3-4 years, and most of them barely make enough to break even, let alone save 6k a year. While a few people that age do make good money, they are the rarity and not the norm.

[SaveYourHeart]

Honestly, the vast majority of 22 yos would not be able to do that (pay off 6k debt in a year). Most 22 yos are either fresh grads or non-college-grads who have only been working for 3-4 years, and most of them barely make enough to break even, let alone save 6k a year. While a few people that age do make good money, they are the rarity and not the norm.

Fortunately, we are blessed enough to both have decent paying jobs and if we budget correctly, we can take care of this debt no problem. H has never had to go without and has never been broke. Money is the root of all evil and it brings out the worst in us, I guess.

[Diezel]

I asked about the wedding/honeymoon costs because I was wondering if the financial situation was the grounds for original resentment from the husband. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't... maybe to him it is an issue.

 

It just seems like there are too many issues abounding at the same time. Relationships can fall apart from just ONE issue, but to throw in a mix of about 2 or 3 more... is quite the strain on the relationship.

[GunslingerRoland]

Wow $6K is one of the cheapest weddings I've heard about. My wife and I cut every corner we could and were still around $11K. The average is $30 in America right now.

[SaveYourHeart]

Wow $6K is one of the cheapest weddings I've heard about. My wife and I cut every corner we could and were still around $11K. The average is $30 in America right now.

I got one hell of a deal. I know how to work the system. I got a dress that was discontinued but in perfect condition for $1k less than the original price, a venue that was magnificent and got a badass package deal because we wanted to have a brunch wedding on a day that's not popular for weddings. The package deal covered decorations, food, alcohol, lodging, parking, everything. A friend baked our cake. Donuts were cheap for his cake. I chose flowers that were in season and affordable (except for my bouquet) we had skymiles for the honeymoon. We made off like bandits.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Saveyourheart, I think you nailed your problem on the head. Money, or rather, a materialistic outlook in life can be the cause of all problems in married life if such an outlook supercedes most other important aspects of a relationship such as love, trust, sharing, spending time together and so on. In your case it seems you two are matched in your materialistic outlook. You are frugal in your spending habits and possibly your daily needs. Your husband on the other hand seems to want a lot of financial elbow room and your present situation being what it is, has constrained him from spreading his wings. This has apparently made him resentful. The fact is that he had been used to having financial liquidity before marrying you and even when he was dating you. However, after the marriage, this liquidity evaporated and he HSS been put in an unpleasant position of not having the financial space he had before. Naturally, in his mind you are the cause of this financial crunch and so his resentment centers on you. On the other hand, with your own experience of a financially difficult time in your youth, you have learnt to cope and have a healthy respect for money. There is thus a complete difference of views on financial matters between you and your husband and this is the root of the evil in your marriage.

The point is that your husband is the older and supposedly more mature partner in the marriage, but in reality the roles are reversed, and you are the one who is more mature and circumspect in money matters in spite of being so young and, if I may say so without appearing sexist(!!!?) a lady. Usually ladies are the ones who have a shopping addiction especially when young. So I have to say that there is a basic incompatibility between you and your husband and to my mind, this can only be addressed by him. He has to grow up! By the way, I think you would make a terrific financial planner should you put your mind to it and I am serious! Cheers.

[Httm]

It's not your debt. Your name is not on the credit cards. It's your husband's. If you were to divorce tomorrow you would not have to worry about that debt. It is 100% his responsibility and it is affecting his credit if the cards are at high utilization.

 

I would have opted to pay the bills and save for later the wedding/vacation.Sorry, I would be a bit miffed to.

 

That, however, only accounts for the financial aspects. I do think, from what you have said, he is being a jerk about other things.

 

This is absolutely untrue. There is no "I" in finances in a marriage. Everything is shared unless it is a home bought before marriage or a marriage with a prenup.

 

As for 30 pounds for a woman, that is massive. Weight is 99% food quantity intake and calories. Walking is great, but food is the problem, barring a major medical condition.

[Ms. Faust]

This is absolutely untrue. There is no "I" in finances in a marriage. Everything is shared unless it is a home bought before marriage or a marriage with a prenup.

 

I suggest you check again. Credit card companies do not recognize civil issues, like a divorce. If the account is only in his name then it is solely his responsibility.

 

A court can order someone to pay (maybe) but in the end the credit card company will go after ONLY the acount holder.

 

http://www.privacymatters.com/credit-information/credit-card-debt-and-divorce.aspx

 

Obviously JOINT accounts are different, but in this case the OP specifically said the account is exclusively in her husband's name.

Edited January 16, 2016 by Ms. Faust

[SaveYourHeart]

Well I'd honestly rather be massive than the 102 lbs. I used to be when I ate 3 diet pills for breakfast lunch and dinner! But when I gained 30 lbs then, everyone was like "oh you look great" "curves are beautiful" "you looked gross before!" ... A little more delicacy in your comments would be appreciated

[Walters]

Money changes everything. People like to say money won’t make you happy but the reality is money does make you happy based on your wealth.

 

If you are scraping by paycheck to paycheck more money just to not live in these conditions increases happiness by a lot. If you are -not- living paycheck to paycheck and it’s just buying pleasures like a boat, a giant house, or a nice sports car money has a very small impact on overall happiness.

 

Your story does not feel like the entire story. You claim 5k in debt but you are living paycheck to paycheck and barely getting by yet claim to have good paying jobs. 5k in debt hardly puts this type of strain on somebody unless all the other bills (mortgage/rent, car loan, student loan, general expenses like electricity/water, etc) all add up to where 5k in credit debt actually pushed you over the edge.

 

You talked about other purchases like flooring. It sounds more like you had a decent size bank account and put some things on credit, but yet ignoring paying that off you went and spent whatever nest egg you had on other purchases and the bills previously mention slowly erased what you had. Now that you have nothing and the debt is still there and it put you into a crunch.

 

Regardless there seems to be some resentment to who created the mess. This results in all other pushed aside feelings you each have come to the surface. The money issue is compounding all other minor things you normally would ignore and bringing it to the surface.

 

If money started the issue money will need to fix it. You need to both accept blame and not blame each other, create a budget, and live paycheck to paycheck until you are back on your feet. That could take months or even years depending on your financial situation. Your married for better or worse. You both have frustration, you both are unhappy, you both need to accept the situation and work on it.

 

Lastly, we don’t know his side of the story only yours. So providing advice to throw in the towel because he is at fault can’t be justified. If he was the one posting his side and not yours the posts that tell you to divorce would most likely tell him the same thing.

 

My wife got into debt and I had to pay it off for her, she got into debt again and I had to pay it off for her, and she did a third time and it almost ruined me. Yet when she told her story to her friends I was pictured as a money controlling freak that never gave her any freedom. Yet my side illustrated her as a person with no responsibility to money and relied on me to bail her out. We fixed the issue together and she no longer has a debt issue for the last few years. The point however is that each side of the story paints the other person as the person in the wrong. You can’t choose a side when there is only one side telling it.

[turnera]

So, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this relationship. You say that you went from basically obsessing over the marriage to REPLACING all that time and energy into OTHER things besides your husband - right after your wedding!

 

But then you say you spend all your time with him.

 

He wanted kids but all of a sudden he doesn't trust you and wants no kids?

 

You used to walk dogs every single night but now you NEVER do it?

 

You're making good money but you can't pay off $5000? Who's making the decision not to spend a single dime - you or him?

 

SOMEthing happened to drive this marriage over a cliff. We need more information on how you got to this place.

 

Too many things to deal with all at once, so I'll suggest that you start with one thing. Read His Needs Her Needs, either with him or by relaying what you learn from it to him. Then ask him to fill out the questionnaires. Tell him it will help you learn what he really wants out of life so that you can BE that one person who makes him happy. One is called Love Busters, and it lets him tell you what you do that makes him unhappy (how you Love Bust him); he should love to get to do that. Give him yours, too. But take his and take it to heart, and make it your mission to remove all the LBs you do (within reason), so that he has no reason to resent you.

 

Then do the Emotional Needs one. He'll get to tell you what makes him happy, how to meet his top ENs. Most men have the same top ENs - sex, companionship, recreation, and admiration. Honestly, it sounds like you aren't meeting ANY of those. If you can start making sure you are meeting those ENs, whichever ones he ends up listing, as well as eliminating the LBs you do, you'll be surprised at how much he'll warm up to you. For instance, it sounds like you're saying that you're driving the family economy and, if so, you're basically saying to him 'you're incompetent, I don't trust you, so I'll handle it from here.' Budget should be a joint decision.

 

And once HE is onboard, happy, not resentful, you'll likely find that he will then want to please YOU as well, and a lot of your problems will go away.

[samantha_t85]

This thread makes me so sad. You don't need to be settling for this. Divorce probably seems like a scary option, but please realize that you have your entire life ahead of you. Debt or no debt; weight gain or no weight gain, it sounds like your husband takes you completely for granted and doesn't respect you very much. That's not how a marriage should be only one year in. What's it going to be like after 10 years? 20? Please get out of this marriage, OP!