Are you the "pathetic" one

[moonwalker86]

Seems as though I am since she fell out of love with me. She talks to the guy I found out she was talking to when we were together in front of me, I talk to her and catch her smiling reading a text, she does things like that quite often. And yet even after all that, I still have this thing inside me that doesn't want to believe she really doesn't want me. It's messed up what love makes you feel for someone else even after they have stopped feeling that way. I do sometimes feel pathetic. Anyone relate to this?

[mystikmind2005]

Yep!

 

But when you think about it carefully, you begin to realize many of these emotions are selfish and petty and destructive emotions. You have to stop and ask yourself, "what benefit does this bring?"

 

What helped me allot was to understand to value myself, love myself, and believe i am someone worth loving and giving love.

 

Allot what also helped me heaps was this:

 

[moonwalker86]

Yep!

 

But when you think about it carefully, you begin to realize many of these emotions are selfish and petty and destructive emotions. You have to stop and ask yourself, "what benefit does this bring?"

 

What helped me allot was to understand to value myself, love myself, and believe i am someone worth loving and giving love.

 

Allot what also helped me heaps was this:

 

 

It's true, I think this thinking pattern will eventually get better with time. It's just so fresh, I'm dealing with so many emotions, so many triggers and situations that I've never been in since it's happened.

 

I believe that things will get better in time. That's a very good video I'm saving it and putting the audio onto my phone! Thank you for sharing.

[Samhain]

It's a coping mechanism. It's easier to accept than to feel that pain and rejection. You know deep down she doesn't feel that way. You have to embrace it so you can move on.

 

It's the same with any loss. I still like to think to myself in bad weather "I hope my grandmas gonna be ok in that little bungalow" even though she died almost 10 years ago. Comical to a degree, but it's denial to protect ourselves from feeling.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's just so fresh, I'm dealing with so many emotions, so many triggers and situations that I've never been in since it's happened.

 

One oft discussed aspect of relationships is this dynamic - the person that cares the least holds the most power. If you're desperate to make it work, every insult and injury hurts even more. Whereas if she's checked out and detached without caring about the outcome, she can do or say anything with no fear of the consequences. Tough situation to be in.

 

You can only flip the switch if you start caring as much for yourself as you do for her. Stay busy, get exercise, move forward. Hard to believe now but even this will pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

[moonwalker86]

It's a coping mechanism. It's easier to accept than to feel that pain and rejection. You know deep down she doesn't feel that way. You have to embrace it so you can move on.

 

It's the same with any loss. I still like to think to myself in bad weather "I hope my grandmas gonna be ok in that little bungalow" even though she died almost 10 years ago. Comical to a degree, but it's denial to protect ourselves from feeling.

 

I try to believe it every day, it's like a battle of the 8 years of thinking to what I am dealing with today. It's a weird tug of war.

[moonwalker86]

One oft discussed aspect of relationships is this dynamic - the person that cares the least holds the most power. If you're desperate to make it work, every insult and injury hurts even more. Whereas if she's checked out and detached without caring about the outcome, she can do or say anything with no fear of the consequences. Tough situation to be in.

 

You can only flip the switch if you start caring as much for yourself as you do for her. Stay busy, get exercise, move forward. Hard to believe now but even this will pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's true. I've come to accept that she won't take me back, it's really messed up. I sort of regret not catching on to her talking to someone sooner, I feel that if I caught them sooner I would have still been able to reach that part of her heart that still had feelings for me. But she has gone too deep with this person, fallen too far with them to make a change in her.

 

It is the toughest thing I've dealt with in my life, I thought I went through a lot, but it was crumbs compared to how this has made me feel. Sometimes I have a positive voice in me that pushes me to do better, and sometimes it's like the off button gets hit and the voice stops. It's very weird.

[ProdigalMe]

One oft discussed aspect of relationships is this dynamic - the person that cares the least holds the most power. If you're desperate to make it work, every insult and injury hurts even more. Whereas if she's checked out and detached without caring about the outcome, she can do or say anything with no fear of the consequences. Tough situation to be in.

 

You can only flip the switch if you start caring as much for yourself as you do for her. Stay busy, get exercise, move forward. Hard to believe now but even this will pass...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm glad I came across your post. I really needed that perspective. I am in the same boat. My STBXW is now detached and doesn't care how her actions affect me (she's seeing another guy, while still living with me, ouch).

 

Me on the other hand. I'm the pathetic one. I hold on to hope, even though I know I shouldn't.

 

And her actions just feel like more insult and injury. I need to take your advice. Flip the switch. Take all that energy that I use caring for her and re-direct it so that I care about myself.

[moonwalker86]

I'm glad I came across your post. I really needed that perspective. I am in the same boat. My STBXW is now detached and doesn't care how her actions affect me (she's seeing another guy, while still living with me, ouch).

 

Me on the other hand. I'm the pathetic one. I hold on to hope, even though I know I shouldn't.

 

And her actions just feel like more insult and injury. I need to take your advice. Flip the switch. Take all that energy that I use caring for her and re-direct it so that I care about myself.

 

It's hard isn't it? Do you have any kids with her? I have a 6 year old, makes it so much sh**ier because I didn't want this to affect his life the way it will.

[ProdigalMe]

No kids. That would make it harder. Knowing they are losing a foundation of two parents.

 

I'm sorry that is your situation. I hope you persevere and find peace eventually.

[moonwalker86]

No kids. That would make it harder. Knowing they are losing a foundation of two parents.

 

I'm sorry that is your situation. I hope you persevere and find peace eventually.

 

Yea it's a terrible situation for the child, I wish I could shield him from it but I can't because it's not in my hands anymore. I also hope I can be happy again.

[heartbrokenkc]

I use to feel like the pathetic one in this same situation which I'm still going through now. But luckily I have the support of my friends and keep myself busy by working out.

I tell myself if she wants to cheat and break up our family that's is all on her. I say everyone has the right to be selfish but I'm more upset time was wasted with you and now I have to raise my daughter in two different homes. People have different needs and it's easier to run away when your that kind of a person.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's true. I've come to accept that she won't take me back, it's really messed up. I sort of regret not catching on to her talking to someone sooner, I feel that if I caught them sooner I would have still been able to reach that part of her heart that still had feelings for me. But she has gone too deep with this person, fallen too far with them to make a change in her.

 

It is the toughest thing I've dealt with in my life, I thought I went through a lot, but it was crumbs compared to how this has made me feel. Sometimes I have a positive voice in me that pushes me to do better, and sometimes it's like the off button gets hit and the voice stops. It's very weird.

 

I'm glad I came across your post. I really needed that perspective. I am in the same boat. My STBXW is now detached and doesn't care how her actions affect me (she's seeing another guy, while still living with me, ouch).

 

Me on the other hand. I'm the pathetic one. I hold on to hope, even though I know I shouldn't.

 

And her actions just feel like more insult and injury. I need to take your advice. Flip the switch. Take all that energy that I use caring for her and re-direct it so that I care about myself.

 

Are you guys familiar with the 180? It's an organized way to move on with your life while letting a detached spouse, who might feel the grass is greener elsewhere, understand what they're leaving behind. As follows:

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

 

2. No frequent phone calls.

 

3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.

 

4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.

 

5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

 

6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.

 

7. Don’t ask for reassurances.

 

8. Don’t buy or give gifts.

 

9. Don’t schedule dates together.

 

10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.

 

11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

 

12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

 

13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

 

14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!

 

15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

 

16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!

 

17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.

 

18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

 

19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

 

20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!

 

21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

 

22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

 

23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

 

24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

 

25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

 

26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

 

27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

 

28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

 

29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.

 

30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

 

31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”

 

32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

 

33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out.

 

Mr. Lucky