I still don't understand

[Itwasntme]

Alright, so some of you may or may not remember. I posted back in August after finding out that my Wife at the time who was seven months pregnant had not only cheated but the child wasn't mine. I know a update is probably long over due, but for a quick catch up. She had the baby it's nice and healthy, Our divorce have been finalized, and I've stayed in minimum contact with her limiting it only to phones calls just to check up on her and the kid. Yeah save your comments on that part for a full update on a different post.

 

What I want to know and this has probably been asked a billion times on here but I just can't seem to grasp or understand this line of thought is. Now my ex has proclaimed that she really only loved or loves me and no one else, and doesn't plan to marry again since she only wants it to be with me. Now let's say I entertain this lie and took it as the god honest truth(but the whole idea is crazy). If that was the truth then why Cheat? Cheating in a loveless marriage I can understand, not saying it's right but I can see it happening. Hell! falling in love with a another man I can see but if you truly only love your spouse then how can you cheat.

 

Is Sex so important that you would put it over your spouse and have an affair which you know will hurt them. Or is it just a illusion that you love your spouse but in honesty you don't love anyone but your self. Now I'm not attacking WS here, this is some I actually want to tell to my Ex but don't want to be on the phone that long and start a argument. I just want to know why? This is somethings that I've been thinking about constantly because if you love someone you would should avoid hurting them, hell you wouldn't want other people hurting them so why do it?

[oldshirt]

I can't explain the cheating (weel yeah I can...she wanted to and didn't think she'd suffer any repercussions) but I can explain why she's saying she wants to be with you.

 

female will do and say anything to ensure a roof over their heads and food on the table for her and her offspring.

 

She probably said the same thing to the OM but either he has already rebuffed her or you have more money and will provide a more suitable home.

 

She wants the shelter, resources, safety and money you can provide, now that the other man has taken care of her sexually and provided the DNA for her offspring.

 

She wants you to now be the beta provider since she got the alpha DNA from the OM.

 

This is the ultimate in being a cuckold. He gets the hot porn sex and fathers the child. You get to pay bills and change diapers.

[stillafool]

I completely agree with Oldshirt. She needs financial security and you are better at it than the other guy. Plus he probably doesn't want to take care of her and that baby. You do not cheat on the person you love.

[No Limit]

The reasoning behind her behavior is that you're her only option right now. If the guy she had been cheating with would be interested in her or their child she would go to him, but quite obviously he could care less. And you're still in touch with her, that's a big incentive for her to keep working on it 'till she makes it.

 

The sex was fun, everything else is hers to deal with. Most women who get pregnant from an affair abort, those who don't simply don't have the slightest bit of respect for their partner or are feeling so entitled that they just don't care. Alas the classic line "To me it was always your baby"

 

edit; Nearly forgot - future partners won't like the idea of you keeping in touch with an ex - a stranger - for the sake of a baby - another stranger, by another stranger. Establishing boundaries is key. And no, her threatening with or attempting suicide is not an excuse to keep in touch.

[RecentChange]

I love my guy but still cheated. Reasons are many, and not always clear.

 

Yes I was that horny

I think I liked the attention which I didn't realize I was missing.

I am a thrill seeker

 

And there were more "whys" - but I don't think any of them had to do with not loving him.

 

I sure as hell wouldnt get knocked up and keep the other dudes baby though... But I also believe in using protection, wouldn't hesitate to use Plan B if needed etc.

[sandylee1]

Hi

 

I remember you. Glad you're doing well.

Your Ex is proclaiming her love ... because you are a good provider. She's hoping that you will buy the line and take her and the kid on.

 

You don't cheat like she did and proclaim love. She engaged in a threesome.. and it was him she wanted to please ...not you. She was wreckless and risked your health in so doing with potential STD'S... that's not love... no way. The mistake of a ONS I could accept.. not a repeated action like she did. She was enjoying the sex and if you never moved house.. she'd not have stopped.

 

 

She hopes her declaration will be tell treated with sympathy by you. That you'll have her back. DON'T.

 

Next time she says she won't marry any one else .... You'd do good to tell her it's never gonna happen.

Edited December 10, 2015 by sandylee1
typo

[LivingWaterPlease]

I'm going to disagree with the above posters, although that may be the case (that she just wants a roof over her head, to use you, etc.)

 

It's possible for a woman to cheat when she believes she loves her husband only or more than OM in order to meet needs she believes she has that are unmet.

 

There are a whole host of reasons a woman may cheat while preferring her husband over other men. Not saying that it's excusable because of any reasons she may have.

 

Here's a list of just some of the reasons and again, not saying it's right to cheat because of them:

 

1. Validation for a person with low self esteem that they are appealing to other men.

 

2. Having needs such as for instance, depth of communication, that she feels aren't being met by husband and is not sure how to get husband to communicate on a deeper level. In fact, this could be a reason and she may not even be able to label it.

 

3. Admiring the life station of another man over her husband (this also belongs under low self esteem)

 

4. Husband does not include her as equal partner in decisions made in the marriage such as buying a car, choosing a place to live, planning for the future, financial issues. She may subconsciously begin to think of him as the parent, love him dearly, but want to have an equal partner relationship and look for it in someone else because she doesn't know how to solve the issue between her and her husband.

 

5. Built up resentments and anger from unresolved conflict.

 

6. Immaturity.

 

The list could go on and on of reasons a woman may have that tempt her to cheat on a husband she "loves."

 

Bottom line is that a person who truly loves another doesn't cheat on them. However, there are many people (even among those who may not choose to cheat) who believe they love someone and they really don't know what love is. To them the way they feel about their partner is the most intense attachment they've ever known, coupled with attraction, so they deem it love, though it is self centered in nature.

 

Yes, your wife could very well love you in the only way she has ever experienced love. Not knowing your wife, it's possible she may easily be able to get another man to love and marry her but actually prefers you.

 

For most women, the physical act of sex isn't the reason they cheat. Most of the time they are trying to have a full experience of deep connection with another person they may not feel they have with their spouse, though they very well may prefer to have it with their spouse, they just don't know how to go about getting it. That's the key, though, the word, "getting" is what they are seeking rather than "giving," the true indicator of love.

 

On this board I often read posts that scorn a WW insisting the sex was better with the husband. I believe that's probably in most cases true.

 

The WW is not going after a man (usually) because the sex is better. In fact, security in a relationship is a great contributor to really good sex for a woman. So, often a WW truly has better sex with her H than with the OM.

 

Lastly, just because a woman has sex with a man other than her husband doesn't necessarily mean she feels she has found a better partner. All it means is that she is possibly trying out someone else hoping to have her needs met there.

 

Truth is that no one person can perfectly meet the needs of any other one person. So, to search for someone who perfectly meets ones needs other than a spouse to have an intimate relationship with is pretty much an exercise in futility, something many have to learn the hard way.

 

Am sure this needs editing and is by no means complete. Could write much more but am limited on time.

 

OP, just know that it's possible your wife is just a confused person who really does believe she loves you. And it's possible that if you were open to it, you and wife could work things out with the help of a good counselor. Am not advising you to do so, or not. Don't know enough about the two of you and your situation to advise you on whether or not you should be together.

Edited December 10, 2015 by LivingWaterPlease

[66Charger]

I love you, but I cheated on you is the biggest lie since the history of Satan.

 

The twisting of the definition of love as only a cheater can do.

 

There are many kind of loves, so those without honor can truly say they love their BS, because of course, they love their dog and cat also.

 

Love does include honor and respect. And if that aint there, its delusion.

Edited December 11, 2015 by 66Charger

[dichotomy]

"....and doesn't plan to marry again since she only wants it to be with me"

 

should read

 

"... and doesn't see anyone wanting marry her, since she is a cheater with a newborn, and sees you being the ONLY man willing to consider it"

 

 

We can talk about whether you can truly love someone and cheat on them. I suppose it depends on your definition of love. Your definition may not match another persons. Keep this in mind when you meet the next woman and she says "I love you".... you might want to ask that woman "wow - what does loving someone mean to you? what would be unloving ?"

 

 

I am very sorry for the Child in all this, but don't let that sway you. Best for the child you don't hang around on the fringes. I hope OM has court ordered child support.

Edited December 11, 2015 by dichotomy

[merrmeade]

I can't explain the cheating (weel yeah I can...she wanted to and didn't think she'd suffer any repercussions) but I can explain why she's saying she wants to be with you.

 

female will do and say anything to ensure a roof over their heads and food on the table for her and her offspring.

 

She probably said the same thing to the OM but either he has already rebuffed her or you have more money and will provide a more suitable home.

 

She wants the shelter, resources, safety and money you can provide, now that the other man has taken care of her sexually and provided the DNA for her offspring.

 

She wants you to now be the beta provider since she got the alpha DNA from the OM.

 

This is the ultimate in being a cuckold. He gets the hot porn sex and fathers the child. You get to pay bills and change diapers.

NOwhere in OPs post does he ask why do WIVES cheat. And thank you Buckeye for catching yourself albeit too late. Who is served by sexist labels, stereotypes and assumptions every freakin time a BH posts ?? Although this is not even separation this is just outright misogyny. I am a BW and I have nothing to relate to in this post and neither do a few others who are the breadwinners in their marriages. Good God, betrayed spouses have so much in common. Why do some men continue to make our issues separate and in addition insult half of the readers here? As if the word cuckold makes you special...

 

Sorry, 0P, that wasn't your fault, but introducing irrelevant misogynistic ideas to your present mindset is entirely irrelevant and unhealthy. There are many factors in cheating, but just a few common denominators - all gender free. Mostly they don't think they'll get caught. They're sort of drugged by the flirting, forbidden lust, the mutual flattery, the risk taking sometimes called affair fog. It's not complicated. In fact, it's about as base and basic as it gets. They call it a fling, and make up all kinds of excuses. Of course, she's ashamed. But that's a long way from true remorse.

 

The question is what is the nature of your wife's so-called remorse. It's too soon, I would say, to call it remorse, and it's entirely possible she is scared about whatever she think she's losing now, which could have been generalized already.

 

She didn't cheat on you BECAUSE she's a woman, and her cheating isn't worse than my husband's. All infidelity sucks, and the difference is between the cheaters and the faithful.

[drifter777]

NOwhere in OPs post does he ask why do WIVES cheat. And thank you Buckeye for catching yourself albeit too late. Who is served by sexist labels, stereotypes and assumptions every freakin time a BH posts ?? Although this is not even separation this is just outright misogyny. I am a BW and I have nothing to relate to in this post and neither do a few others who are the breadwinners in their marriages. Good God, betrayed spouses have so much in common. Why do some men continue to make our issues separate and in addition insult half of the readers here? As if the word cuckold makes you special...

 

Sorry, 0P, that wasn't your fault, but introducing irrelevant misogynistic ideas to your present mindset is entirely irrelevant and unhealthy. There are many factors in cheating, but just a few common denominators - all gender free. Mostly they don't think they'll get caught. They're sort of drugged by the flirting, forbidden lust, the mutual flattery, the risk taking sometimes called affair fog. It's not complicated. In fact, it's about as base and basic as it gets. They call it a fling, and make up all kinds of excuses. Of course, she's ashamed. But that's a long way from true remorse.

 

The question is what is the nature of your wife's so-called remorse. It's too soon, I would say, to call it remorse, and it's entirely possible she is scared about whatever she think she's losing now, which could have been generalized already.

 

She didn't cheat on you BECAUSE she's a woman, and her cheating isn't worse than my husband's. All infidelity sucks, and the difference is between the cheaters and the faithful.

 

I have no idea what you read that has made you react like this. What did you read that would lead you to say:

 

sexist labels, stereotypes and assumptions every freakin time a BH posts ?? Although this is not even separation this is just outright misogyny.

 

Is there a word that means "man hater".

 

And OP asked precisely why people cheat. Since he is a BH many gave their opinion on why women cheat.

[Sastrugi]

 

Sorry, 0P, that wasn't your fault, but introducing irrelevant misogynistic ideas to your present mindset is entirely irrelevant and unhealthy. There are many factors in cheating, but just a few common denominators - all gender free. Mostly they don't think they'll get caught. They're sort of drugged by the flirting, forbidden lust, the mutual flattery, the risk taking sometimes called affair fog. It's not complicated. In fact, it's about as base and basic as it gets. They call it a fling, and make up all kinds of excuses. Of course, she's ashamed. But that's a long way from true remorse.

 

The question is what is the nature of your wife's so-called remorse. It's too soon, I would say, to call it remorse, and it's entirely possible she is scared about whatever she think she's losing now, which could have been generalized already.

 

She didn't cheat on you BECAUSE she's a woman, and her cheating isn't worse than my husband's. All infidelity sucks, and the difference is between the cheaters and the faithful.

 

Unless your husband fathered an OC. Her cheating is much worse than your husbands.

I would agree it is no worse if there was no pregnancy.

[merrmeade]

Unless your husband fathered an OC. Her cheating is much worse than your husbands.

I would agree it is no worse if there was no pregnancy.

Agreed. I didn't realize everyone was assuming the AP is the father, so my objection was to the answers selective to gender. OP's overriding question was why spouses, PEOPLE cheat. Nothing in his last paragraph was about wives as cheaters, but the next four posts were. Probably as you say because of the pregnancy.

 

I can't copy/paste efficiently on this device to illustrate. Maybe later. Or not. Probably not because none of this is helping OP. I regret that my objections exacerbated the diversion. Just drop it for now.

[WomenWubber]

If that was the truth then why Cheat? Cheating in a loveless marriage I can understand, not saying it's right but I can see it happening. Hell! falling in love with a another man I can see but if you truly only love your spouse then how can you cheat.

 

It could be one of the cases where love was just not enough. Sometimes emotions just take over, like when some BSs kill their partners when they discover the affair. Why kill the spouse if (s)he loved her? It's not rare for people to fight against emotions, because we have feelings. But the mind can be incredibly weak and sometimes all that is needed is a push for it to break.

 

Is Sex so important that you would put it over your spouse and have an affair which you know will hurt them. Or is it just a illusion that you love your spouse but in honesty you don't love anyone but your self. Now I'm not attacking WS here, this is some I actually want to tell to my Ex but don't want to be on the phone that long and start a argument. I just want to know why? This is somethings that I've been thinking about constantly because if you love someone you would should avoid hurting them, hell you wouldn't want other people hurting them so why do it?

 

More often than not there's more than lust involved here. Fear is an incredibly powerful emotion... I would say most people are driven by it. Manipulating masses of people through fear is a piece of cake if you have the resources to do it. And you know what produces the most fear in people? Change.

 

Those cheaters who "love" their spouses, I'd say they are terrified of losing what they already have. But they are so overwhelmed by their emotions, that they lose sight of what's important to them and they just go on acting like beasts. However since fear is also strong in them, they will hold for dear life on the status quo they have built for themselves. Someone who just doesn't care would just leave. But not a cheater... lying and cheating is what they do, because they cannot afford to leave. And if their sneaky behavior has worked for some time, then the cheating itself will eventually become part of their status quo. It becomes normal for them and nobody will know, so what's the problem?

[66Charger]

You are seeing blood in the water in everything.

[sandylee1]

From your last thread.... I'd say you are too much of a nice guy for her. You were even considering raising the child and she just took advantage of your kind nature in having the affair. Of course she didn't think she'd get caught ... and she was happy to deceive you that it was your child.

 

When she says she loves you... her idea love doesn't include respect... . I'm sure she loves a lot of your qualities...... like your dependability, your stability and your ability to provide. These are qualities I sought in a husband too..... but getting pregnant by your AP.... after an affair -well if that's how she shows love.... I'd steer well clear.

 

Another poster said your XWs idea of love may differ from others ... it's a good point. Or in hindsight she realises what a good man she lost. I can see a lot of regret from her end.

[Jonah]

I love my guy but still cheated. Reasons are many, and not always clear.

 

Yes I was that horny

I think I liked the attention which I didn't realize I was missing.

I am a thrill seeker

 

And there were more "whys" - but I don't think any of them had to do with not loving him.

 

I sure as hell wouldnt get knocked up and keep the other dudes baby though... But I also believe in using protection, wouldn't hesitate to use Plan B if needed etc.

 

This is to the point. Illicit sex is most exciting and the only thing nicer than illicit sex is long lasting love. The wise protect the most precious, the unwise may chose to sacrifice that which is most precious and underestimate the implications of the moments of toe curling bliss.

 

The plan B part is debatable in that could make the whole thing much worse. If my wayward mentioned plan B, (hadn't suffered this, but it could have come to be so I thought it through) I would say no way I would not want to be a part of that at all. I do believe that a woman needs the right to choose, and I wouldn't judge in any way, but I would not want someone to make that eternally uneditable choice as to not burden me and end result would have meant a certain and immediate parting of ways.

 

Yet under certain circumstances, such as if I was to be treated as a king till the end of my days, I could see raising the OMs kid. Now there is a danger that having experienced that which is most addictive she may reach out for that again, especially when stress or boredom is present so you would have to watch her. But it might be worth it if she is otherwise sweet and treats you right.

 

Your other option is to give it a go with someone else who will certainly have other, or the same problems. ...you end up with a prude and you may one day wish for your ex back, cheating and all.

 

It doesn't matter which path. Just pick one and go with it all in.

[bigman1]

You ask the impossible question. There is no definitive answer. Love and respect are different. Love and commitment are different. Who cares if she loved you. You need love, respect and commitment. That did not exist. Sadly, that you are asking this question shows that you are being reeled back in.

 

You need to end all contact. I know that you said save it for anot her update, but that sort of weeding out of other ideas allows you to move closers to the edge of getting back with her and raising this kid by making sure no one yells out any warnings to you.

 

You are being reeled in. Here's the script.

Her: I loved you. I love you. Only you . Truly you. No one else but you.

 

You: is it possible? Could it be? I knew it! How could I have let something like you cheating on me and having his baby blind me to that fact? Let me help you out. Let me watch the baby. You can stay in the spare bedroom while you get things together, no sex. Okay, maybe sex. You can sleep in my bed. We are back together.

 

Her: I think the dad should pay support. I think he should have visitation. Sorry I'm late. There is nothing going on. I'm leaving you.

[Itwasntme]

Agreed. I didn't realize everyone was assuming the AP is the father, so my objection was to the answers selective to gender. OP's overriding question was why spouses, PEOPLE cheat. Nothing in his last paragraph was about wives as cheaters, but the next four posts were. Probably as you say because of the pregnancy.

 

I can't copy/paste efficiently on this device to illustrate. Maybe later. Or not. Probably not because none of this is helping OP. I regret that my objections exacerbated the diversion. Just drop it for now.

No don't worry about it, You were pretty close to understanding what I meant. See what I'm asking isn't necessarily why people cheat. Because no matter how much anybody explains it to me I'll never understand, I just don't get it! Definitely when it happens to people who treated their WS like a queen/king and would do anything in our power to make sure they're happy (not saying it's ever ok to cheat in any situation).

 

I'm more so asking can you really be in love with a person yet do something like that to hurt them? Can you even say you love them at that point? Do WS who say they still loved their BS despite cheating, are they telling the truth or is that just something they say to comfort theirselves while cheating? That would be like me saying I love my mama but yet I steal from her any chance I get knowing she really needs the money. Isn't that just me lying to myself?

 

Like you can't possibly be cheating and still be soooo deep in love with your BS can you? I just can't see it being possible. And after the affair I do believe some WS do honestly fall head over heels for their BS but isn't that because like that old saying goes you don't know what you have til it's gone. Then in that case is it truly love that it takes someone to the most extreme to realize what they have? To me love is something that doesn't need a reason.

 

Actually let me stop right here because I'm getting more mad and about to ranting about love and saying only my opinion. Idk if I'm making any sense right now so sorry. But to sum it up I guess I'm asking can you be in love with your BS While cheating

[66Charger]

I think SandyLee answered your question best. There are certain qualities in a partner that you can truly love, therefore saying you love them is truth. The abilty to love this way, without the whole package is compartmentalization. Some can do it, some cannot.

 

But is this the type of love that you desire? For some, these are enough for they do not require respect and honor, therefore IMHO they accept a lesser love. It really comes down to how you value yourself.

 

The real question is why you posted this thread.

Edited December 11, 2015 by 66Charger

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But to sum it up I guess I'm asking can you be in love with your BS While cheating

 

Good Question. IDK. I don't know if there is an answer out there that will make sense.

 

It also depends on what your definition of "in love' is. A Feeling? Respect? Security? Spark?

 

Many WS can't reconcile the two (cheating and loving spouse) so they do mental gymnastics called "cognitive dissonance". This might include re-writing marital history; over-inflating the BS's flaws; creating marital arguments; avoidance or checking out of the marriage; and other crazy excuses used to try to justify the affair. While some people are able to compartmentalize the affair.

 

How the WS justified the affair will provide some insight.

[ladydesigner]

No don't worry about it, You were pretty close to understanding what I meant. See what I'm asking isn't necessarily why people cheat. Because no matter how much anybody explains it to me I'll never understand, I just don't get it! Definitely when it happens to people who treated their WS like a queen/king and would do anything in our power to make sure they're happy (not saying it's ever ok to cheat in any situation).

 

I'm more so asking can you really be in love with a person yet do something like that to hurt them? Can you even say you love them at that point? Do WS who say they still loved their BS despite cheating, are they telling the truth or is that just something they say to comfort theirselves while cheating? That would be like me saying I love my mama but yet I steal from her any chance I get knowing she really needs the money. Isn't that just me lying to myself?

 

Like you can't possibly be cheating and still be soooo deep in love with your BS can you? I just can't see it being possible. And after the affair I do believe some WS do honestly fall head over heels for their BS but isn't that because like that old saying goes you don't know what you have til it's gone. Then in that case is it truly love that it takes someone to the most extreme to realize what they have? To me love is something that doesn't need a reason.

 

Actually let me stop right here because I'm getting more mad and about to ranting about love and saying only my opinion. Idk if I'm making any sense right now so sorry. But to sum it up I guess I'm asking can you be in love with your BS While cheating

 

Yep this is what it is in my WH's case. Not once EVER did I beg my WH back after each Dday. He begged and pleaded each and every time...sigh... knowing myself I would have left and never looked back if it wasn't for all his damn hoovering.

 

I honestly don't know if my WH loved me during his A. I'm inclined to say no because he had no remorse or empathy. I have not seen remorse or empathy until very recently and it has been 1.5 years since False R and now almost 4 years since original Dday. Unfortunately I feel it is too little too late now for the remorse and empathy.

Edited December 11, 2015 by ladydesigner

[Mr. Lucky]

Now my ex has proclaimed that she really only loved or loves me and no one else, and doesn't plan to marry again since she only wants it to be with me.

 

You gotten some great advice already here.

 

I'd be really curious to know what your ex's current position would be were a child not involved. My guess is she'd be gone, either with her AP (with no baggage she might be more attractive) or on to the single life. Newborn in tow, neither of those options are available to her. Desperate people do desperate things.

 

What role does the father of the child play in her present life ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I'm sorry you are enduring this, pal.

 

Why do people do it? I am a simple guy and keep it simple. Illicit sex with someone a person finds attractive is a lot of fun.

 

If the calculus is made that it can be enjoyed without compromising the primary relationship, a lot of people will indulge. This is largely a function of opportunity. Opportunity is largely a function of the quality and enforcement of boundaries.

 

People can list other reasons, and that's fine. To me, that's peripheral. It may be valid, but it's not really that important to me.

 

Definitely have nothing to do with her or the child. That will totally screw you up with women in your future.

 

Good luck, friend.

[insert_name]

You could call her bluff on these declarations of love OP by telling her that if she wants you so badly she should put the child up for adoption. Of course, she wouldn't actually do that, but at least it might shut her up with these quite frankly insulting claims that she loves you.

 

Would she think you loved her if you got another woman pregnant? Course not.