I still don't understand

[oldshirt]

I'm sorry but this speaks more about you than it does about her. I don't want to pour more pain on you, but you raised the child for a YEAR. For all intents and purposes that's your child! How do you go from loving and raising a child for a year, to turning your back on him/her. Yes, I know it hurt, I know you were severely betrayed, but you'd hardly be the first or the last. The ability to love a child, regardless of it's paternity, is something that every person should never struggle with. I'm not saying you had to stay with your wife, but the child is innocent of wrong doing.

 

I wouldn't be able to love and provide for another man's child either.

 

 

That may not be "right" in the cosmos but I couldn't do it. It would actually be unfair to the child. Every time I would see the child I would feel repulsion and disgust. I know that wouldn't be fair and I know it wouldn't be the child's fault. That's why it would be best for me to simply exit stage-left from both the child's and mother's life and let them go on about their business and me about mine.

 

 

If Aliveagain was unable to love and raise another man's child as his own, then he did the right thing by allowing them to move on and not be looked at with disdain.

 

 

It is Aliveagain's ex wife's fault that she denied her child a loving, supportive and protective father figure because she tried to cheat the system and tried to pass off another man's child as his own. That is on her. She is the one to blame that the child did not have an active father for much of his/her life.

 

 

She is the bad guy here, not Aliveagain. She is the one that tried to pull a switcheroo knowing full well that if it were discovered that it may very well result in termination of the marriage and denial of the child.

Edited December 29, 2015 by oldshirt

[aliveagain]

I'm sorry but this speaks more about you than it does about her. I don't want to pour more pain on you, but you raised the child for a YEAR. For all intents and purposes that's your child! How do you go from loving and raising a child for a year, to turning your back on him/her. Yes, I know it hurt, I know you were severely betrayed, but you'd hardly be the first or the last. The ability to love a child, regardless of it's paternity, is something that every person should never struggle with. I'm not saying you had to stay with your wife, but the child is innocent of wrong doing.

 

I had no problem loving the child, what I did have a problem with was her deception, her cheating and then being told by my lawyer about the other man's rights. Leaving her was easy because she didn't deserve me in her life, she is a liar, a traitor, was having unprotected sex with other men and risking my life, she is a woman with low if any morals and can't be trusted with my back. I don't know anything about you Brandyundercover but you write like someone that is cheating on their spouse and hasn't been discovered yet. Your attitude will change after discovery. I apologize if I'm wrong.

Edited December 29, 2015 by aliveagain

[ch72]

You're giving her false hopes by keeping in contact.

 

Cut all contact so that you both can truly move on. Don't string her along by calling her to check up on her and the child. Everytime you call, it gives her hope that the two of you will eventually get back together.

 

If you're done and out, zero contact.

[lolablue17]

Why do you take her words so seriously? So she made some declarations about loving only you and her intention to never marry again... So she said...

 

You wouldn't believe how quickly she can reverse her mind in all aspects. Just wait and see what's happen when she realize that her declarations didn't make the desirable effect on you.

[Miss Clavel]

 

But to sum it up I guess I'm asking can you be in love with your BS While cheating

 

No. There is no way I could believe that my husband loved me, as he claimed, and still brutally murder me as he did. In fact, im convinced , deep down he hates me.

 

But I don't think you situation has to do with whether SHE loves you but rather that she's convinced you love HER, so much so that you will forgive her anything.

 

Can't wait to find out what you do as we have a war time love child in our family, a distant cousin. His parents stayed married another 35 years. and had two more kids. One adopted and one together.

[Brandyundercover45]

I had no problem loving the child, what I did have a problem with was her deception, her cheating and then being told by my lawyer about the other man's rights. Leaving her was easy because she didn't deserve me in her life, she is a liar, a traitor, was having unprotected sex with other men and risking my life, she is a woman with low if any morals and can't be trusted with my back. I don't know anything about you Brandyundercover but you write like someone that is cheating on their spouse and hasn't been discovered yet. Your attitude will change after discovery. I apologize if I'm wrong.

I understand your hurt... my comment was about the child, nothing more. I don't want to further cause you pain at all. I personally think our marriage will be better after exposure, and I probably will tell him myself.

[aliveagain]

I understand your hurt... my comment was about the child, nothing more. I don't want to further cause you pain at all. I personally think our marriage will be better after exposure, and I probably will tell him myself.

 

As one who has been through it several times please listen when I tell you that the chances your marriage will survive are best when you confess your infidelity. The chances that your marriage will survive when caught are minimal to none because you are unbelievable at that point. The longer your infidelity lasts the less likely you will reconcile. The same applies to where your infidelity took place. If you sh*t on his sanctuary, his bed, the more disrespect you showed husband, the less likely your marriage will survive. My ex actually invited her other man over for dinner twice and I cooked while she made out with him in my home. She had him pretend to be her friends dinner date, how sick is that? The cheep rush she and he must have felt as they carried off her deceit in front of my face. Honesty is the only way.

[road]

I'm sorry but this speaks more about you than it does about her. I don't want to pour more pain on you, but you raised the child for a YEAR. For all intents and purposes that's your child! How do you go from loving and raising a child for a year, to turning your back on him/her. Yes, I know it hurt, I know you were severely betrayed, but you'd hardly be the first or the last. The ability to love a child, regardless of it's paternity, is something that every person should never struggle with. I'm not saying you had to stay with your wife, but the child is innocent of wrong doing.

 

 

 

 

You forget the other innocent party, the BH.

 

 

You also do not seem to understand that not every BH can accept raising an OC.

 

 

You also do not see that when a marriage has no kids, the WW and the BH are young enough and in a position to start over in a new marriage.

 

 

The BH gets to not be forced to recover from an affair.

 

 

And the best part divorcing the WW leaves her free to marry the OM and the OC gets to be raised by both of their biological parents.

[sandylee1]

Oh sure, kill an innocent child to cover the fact that you can't keep your legs closed! Do you really want to be advocating that? Wow.

 

Yes I do.

I have no issue with it at all. Abortions take place everyday and this would have been a valid reason. This isn't a pro life campaign forum.

[sandylee1]

I'm sorry but this speaks more about you than it does about her. I don't want to pour more pain on you, but you raised the child for a YEAR. For all intents and purposes that's your child! How do you go from loving and raising a child for a year, to turning your back on him/her. Yes, I know it hurt, I know you were severely betrayed, but you'd hardly be the first or the last. The ability to love a child, regardless of it's paternity, is something that every person should never struggle with. I'm not saying you had to stay with your wife, but the child is innocent of wrong doing.[/quote

 

Nonsense ... pure and utter. Why should he want anything to do with this situation. He can love the child and turn his back on them..especially to get away from his cheating ex wife.

 

BU45 .. your waywardness really comes through in your posts.

 

And actually it's every persons right to like or dislike who they want regardless of paternity.

 

If my H had an affair and had a lovechild.. I can decide I don't like the kid.. that's my right. The circumstances of a birth can have a great impact for some. I would never love a child my H had outside of our marriage.

[aliveagain]

I understand your hurt... my comment was about the child, nothing more. I don't want to further cause you pain at all. I personally think our marriage will be better after exposure, and I probably will tell him myself.

 

Let me be clear, if you were in a relationship with me anything between you and other man has no place in my life. If you became pregnant with O/M's child it would mean sh*t to me if you wanted to be in my life. Raising his child would be a daily reminder of how much of a POS you were to me and our marriage, the child is still innocent but he still can't be in my life because he is not mine. Marriage guarantee's me the paternity of our children for which I would give my life to protect you and I would do everything in my life to make your life easier. Should you choose to birth a child by another man you would do so without me, my family, for now or anytime in the future. Fu*king another man breaks the bond we swore to each other. Your on your own from that point forward. Fu*k you. If you can survive me you can survive with your husband. I really am trying to help you.

[road]

Yes I do.

I have no issue with it at all. Abortions take place everyday and this would have been a valid reason. This isn't a pro life campaign forum.

 

 

Because legal murder happens does not make it right. Even calling it abortion so it does not sound as bad as killing or murder still does not make it right.

[road]

Let me be clear, if you were in a relationship with me anything between you and other man has no place in my life. If you became pregnant with O/M's child it would mean sh*t to me if you wanted to be in my life. Raising his child would be a daily reminder of how much of a POS you were to me and our marriage, the child is still innocent but he still can't be in my life because he is not mine. Marriage guarantee's me the paternity of our children for which I would give my life to protect you and I would do everything in my life to make your life easier. Should you choose to birth a child by another man you would do so without me, my family, for now or anytime in the future. Fu*king another man breaks the bond we swore to each other. Your on your own from that point forward. Fu*k you. If you can survive me you can survive with your husband. I really am trying to help you.

 

 

 

 

What would you of done if your WW would of given up the OC for adoption?

[Itwasntme]

Ok so for how long I planned to be in contact, i can't give a straight answer as it's not like I've thought up a deadline. I've just been kinda going with it, but Clearly by post I can take it as it makes me look kinda pathetic and desperate to some.

 

Well for why I'm still in contact with her despite all the horrible **** she has done, it's quite simple "forgiveness". It was a few days after ex had the kid, I was just talking to my mother about the whole situation and how messed up it was. Telling her about how even though I forgave my ex I still felt hatred for what she had done to me and towards the OM. How I blamed God for some of it like why the kid wasn't mine etc. And that's when to make a long story short she basically told me I hadn't really forgiven anything and I'm just holding it in. She preached to me a little about how God wants us to forgive and about how we do it with our actions not words. I kinda didn't want to hear all that but I sat there and listened.

 

I asked her How else was I supposed to really forgive them outside of just saying it. It was no way outside starting a relationship up. Then she did what I hate the most she just told me to go and ask God about that. I went home and have prayed on it, on what I've come to is cutting her off and avoiding her won't change things. I felt I was just running away from it and not forgiving her, I know a lot of people won't agree with that but that's how I feel. So yeah I'm trying not to hold anything against her and just forgive.

 

See that's why I wanted to wait to talk about this in a later thread....

 

Now on to brandyundercover45: do you honestly believe you love your husband still? Think about it, the moment he stopped giving you what you wanted or needed you cheated on him. And I wasn't saying our sex was bad when I asked was sex important just was it worth losing a person you so called love. So tell me, is what you're getting from the OM of more value then your own husband happiness? And I'm really asking not in a spiteful way but honestly. I agree with alive again you should just tell your husband and get it out the way if you haven't.

 

It's no point in talking about the abortion part or about how our relationship could of been without the kid, for the fact that would never happen. everyone has a different opinion on it and even if I found out early on it wouldn't change as just like some she believes that abortion is a form of murder.

Edited December 30, 2015 by Itwasntme

[JS84]

You don't need to be in continuous contact with someone to forgive them.. Hell you can forgive someone without talking to them whatsoever. I agree with what others said. Hell I forgave an ex cheating on me LONG after we stopped communication. Mostly because, with time and NO contact, I just got over it.

 

You continuing contact is not helping her, you, or that child move on whatsoever.

[Itwasntme]

You don't need to be in continuous contact with someone to forgive them.. Hell you can forgive someone without talking to them whatsoever. I agree with what others said. Hell I forgave an ex cheating on me LONG after we stopped communication. Mostly because, with time and NO contact, I just got over it.

 

You continuing contact is not helping her, you, or that child move on whatsoever.

And that's why I said you all might not agree. I just feel and it maybe just because it's how I am that if I won't talk to someone after I said I've forgiven then I might not actually have forgiven. As for if it's helping either of us or if it's bad, then I don't know.

[turnera]

You can forgive someone without having to BE with them. Or even AROUND them. I forgave my father, but I never saw him again after I disowned him, for more than 10 years, until the day he was dying.

 

I forgave him, but I also knew he had no place in my life.

[aliveagain]

What would you of done if your WW would of given up the OC for adoption?

 

I would still have divorced her. If my boundaries weren't important enough to be respected and as my spouse she chose to bare another man's child before she bore ours then she deserves everything she got. No human on the planet deserves to be treated that way. What kind of person does that to another anyway?

[road]

I would still have divorced her. If my boundaries weren't important enough to be respected and as my spouse she chose to bare another man's child before she bore ours then she deserves everything she got. No human on the planet deserves to be treated that way. What kind of person does that to another anyway?

 

 

Thanks for the answer.