Is there any chance of reuniting if my ex boyfriend appears to be indifferent?

[BeStrong1234]

PLEASE HELP! I have been going out with a slightly introverted guy (he did not really know how to talk about his feelings) for 7-8 months. Things got physically and emotionally pretty quickly despite I was still pretty scarred with insecurity and fear from my previous relationship (I have been cheated on for a year). I depended on him a bit too much in terms of my happiness and emotions, but I didn't pick up any vital signs of distress from him. I was also heavily affected by the side effects of contraceptive pills and was pretty out of control with my emotions. We had a lot of fun times as well as a bit of arguments, things were pretty serious as he was the one who started mentioning moving out, getting married, kids etc so I thought he loved me a lot. A week ago, we had a small argument and I thought he was leaving me. I panicked and got out of control (cut myself), and he left me the next day saying he cannot cope in a relationship like this and I need to figure things out on my own and find my own happiness. A week later he came over to swap back our belongings, and I talked to him about agreeing with his decision and the steps I am taking to regain my confidence/improve myself. However, he appeared indifferent - said 'thank you for sharing and understanding' when I was done talking. I am not sure whether this is his mechanism of coping, or has he truly moved on and I have no chance of reconciliation even when I am better? We work in the same environment and I still have to see him everyday for the next four years as we complete our PhD.

Edited December 11, 2015 by BeStrong1234

[cheech_smith]

That was a bit of a scary post to read. You cut yourself?? You mentioned your insecurities.... You need to work on developing a good life and focus on learning to love yourself. This must come before a relationship, or the relationship will never be healthy.

 

What you did was insane. You should share this with your parents and definitely talk to a mental health practitioner.

 

Your ex bf is freaked out about your mental stability and would prefer to be alone rather than be with you.

[BeStrong1234]

I understand I have some me-work to do, and I am taking the time to see a councillor and work on my issues.

 

Do you think he will give me another chance when I'm back to my old confident self again?

[cheech_smith]

I don't know, it's impossible to say. I think you should just move on, which is the advise I'm getting in my thread. It sucks to hear, but it's the truth.

 

What's wrong with making the best life for yourself? Why do we as humans feel like we have to be in a relationship to make us feel whole... It's obviously the companionship we desire.

 

What I can tell you for sure is... you will eventually meet someone else.

 

I also know that if you pressure your ex, it will push him further away. So just work on being the best you for now. And stay busy.

[Eloise1]

Let him go. I know this SUCKS so much, is heartbreaking, and potentially very hard especially if you have to see him frequently, but as you know, you need to focus on yourself. This isn't to say that once you are truly happy and fulfilled on your own and in your own life you won't have a fantastic and healthy relationship waiting for you with someone (perhaps even him, who knows), but for now you need to not be in a relationship for a while, and to be ok with not expecting one right now. By the time you've sorted things out it will most likely include being over him.

[Samhain]

Indifference = it's over.

[BeStrong1234]

Is there a chance that he is putting up an indifferent front to prevent giving me false hope and/or distance himself from me?

[Samhain]

Is there a chance that he is putting up an indifferent front to prevent giving me false hope and/or distance himself from me?

 

From what you said, I don't think so, and even if that was the case then it still means he's genuinely trying to move on and you should respect that.

[BeStrong1234]

If you were him, and you see me everyday happy and content with my own life, would you put your guard down and let me in again? (I know this is very hypothetical, but I just want to see what guys think.)

[Samhain]

If I were him and I saw someone who was mentally unbalanced ie cutting themself etc (and this isn't to be mean at all but how I would think to myself) it would freak me out and I would be glad to see you happy in your day to day life because then I'd feel like you were ok and I could be gone without making you even worse.

[BeStrong1234]

He already knew about this before dating me, I asked if I should take some time to recover but he said it would be okay.

Point is, would you trust that someone can recover from this.

[Samhain]

Yeah I'd think someone could recover but if I was indifferent it would only make me happy in so far as I was pleased they were feeling better not because I wanted anything to do with them romantically again.

[BeStrong1234]

Sorry to keep hammering on, but do you think the indifferent attitude can be changed? He fell in love with me before, do you think he could do that again?

[Samhain]

For 7-8 months I think not. If it failed after such a short time it was probably never love to start with. The first year is the honeymoon butterflies period everyone loves, being IN love goes beyond that through thick and thin. So if he fell in love with you to start with, he'd still be there now.

[Blanco]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but it seems like you're going to keep asking variations of the same question until someone says, "Yes, he will probably come back."

 

Just remember that the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. In my experience, once someone feels indifferent toward you, it's basically a done deal. I'm sorry to say, but in most cases, even if they come back, it's usually just a matter of time before they start to slide back toward those feelings of indifference.

 

You say you depended on him too much for your happiness and emotions. You're still doing that! Your dependency on someone else for something as intrinsic as your own happiness is a red flag that, frankly, should be of more concern to you than this relationship.

 

I'm guilty of relying too much on another person to bring me something that I should be generating from within regardless of what's happening around me: My own happiness. No one should be in control of that. It's unfair to both yourself and the other person. That's an incredible amount of pressure to put on to someone. Not only do they have to deal with finding happiness for themselves, but now they're saddled with the responsibility of bringing (and maintaining) happiness to someone else? That's not what healthy relationships look like.

 

I get it. You're in shock right now. But I think the above is what needs to be focused on right now; not this guy. Right now, you're most concerned about changing him. Worry about you. You cannot change someone, anyway. You're setting yourself up for frustrating failure if you journey down that path.

[Captivating]

A breakup is hard on all of us. Some people handle it way harder, that is how they are wired, and unfortunately become suicidal. Breakup is a rejection with a serious symptom of withdrawal. It is in the same part of the brain as drug withdrawal is at.

In addition to this, you are heavily affected by the contraceptive pills emotionally. It trows your hormones off. Maybe you should get off the pill.

I agree with Cheech h. saying that your boyfriend probably freaked out witnessing all of this. Please consult with a psychologist to find ways for you to cope with hard times in life. Unfortunately there are many hard times throughout our lives and we need to be able deal with them. Maybe you guys can work this out eventually if he sees you being in peace. Regardless, you need to find a better coping mechanism so that this cutting won't happen ever again! I wish you the best!