he asked for a second date and then changed his mind. why?

[mavis_6]

recently i met a guy in a bar. we flirted a bit and he asked for my number and kissed me goodbye (we were both a bit drunk). then he texted and after chatting a bit, asked me to go for drinks. he also said he would pay for the first round. we met up and had a couple drinks and what i thought was a great conversation. we talked for about 2 hours, then he asked if i want to go somewhere else (that same night) but i told him i had to work the next morning. he asked if i want to meet again the following weekend. we agreed on friday but then he said "you probably have to work again the next morning." i said yes so maybe saturday would be better, and he said ok, but i was a bit evasive on setting a time because of my work schedule. the bill came and he asked to go dutch. i was a bit taken aback and annoyed. he walked me to my car and said a quick goodbye and took off. i talked to a friend who told me i blew him off. so the next day i texted to say hi and it was good to see him. he did not respond. so i waited another day, then texted and said i wonder if i seemed standoffish, the truth is i am really shy and didn't want to drink a lot. and i told him i did want to see him again. he texted back saying the date was fine but we would not be a good fit. i asked him why, and he said there was "no chemistry." he also said "i'm sure you'll meet the right guy eventually." so what happened? was he just not attracted to me? and if not why did he ask for a second date and then change his mind?

[almond]

Who knows...who cares?

 

Live and let live. He didn't feel you were right for him, so therefore, he wasn't right for you.

 

You can't change yourself to make everyone like you. If you were ideal for this guy, then you probably wouldn't be for the next one you end up dating. People are all different, and each want different things. Find the guy that matches you as he is - don't try and shape yourself to fit someone that doesn't want a second date.

 

I will however say, he offered to pay for the first round of drinks. If you showed that you were upset when he asked to go dutch, then this would have been off-putting. Not everyone is willing to pay for dates with strangers, and he made that clear from the start.

 

It also sounded like he may have wanted an easy hookup, with the comments re: you working the next day etc.

 

Either way, no need to overthink any of this really. Next!

[TaraMaiden2]

recently i met a guy in a bar.

...so what happened? was he just not attracted to me?

No, he wasn't. And he told you as much. 'No Chemistry' is how he put it...

 

and if not why did he ask for a second date and then change his mind?

Because in his book, 'no chemistry' means "won't 'get down and dirty' on a first date, and second date also looks doubtful".

[mavis_6]

the reason i am overthinking this is that i really liked the guy. and believe it or not, it was the best date i've been on in years. i don't know why he wasn't attracted to me - i suppose he doesn't find me pretty enough. i'm just average looking, but he is too (he's short, around my height, which is 5"6, and like me, not super fit but not overweight either). and he's one of the few "average" men to ever hit on me. all i normally get are old, obese, flat-broke, dull etc. he was smart and interesting at least. it's really depressing.

Edited December 11, 2015 by mavis_6

[TaraMaiden2]

Don't take it personally. You might have had an apparent lot in common, but frankly, he was looking for something else.

 

And it may be that his current desired focus more on the .... 'carnal'.

Given the abundance of threads on here by guys lacking stature, he may just have been looking for a 'booty call' to make himself feel better.

I don't know.

Frankly, it's a loss you're both going to have to deal with.

 

Don't be surprised if he contacts you again in a week or two.... Just to give "it" another try....

[Lois_Griffin]

Come on, Mavis. Your 'best' date in years is some guy you met in a bar who asked you out for drinks saying 'the first round is on me' then didn't even have the good grace to honor that invitation?

 

Quite honestly, it sounds as though he met up with you, didn't feel any attraction or chemistry, but was still open to the night ending up in a booty call. He was already there so he might as well make the best of it, right? When the night didn't end that way, I think he mentioned a second date just to appease you because he didn't want to tell you he wasn't interested in you. People do that all the time. But the fact that he couldn't get away fast enough after walking you to your car kind of says it all.

 

Your friend was WAY off the mark when they claimed 'you blew him off.' If a guy is interested in you, he'll pin down that 2nd date. Just because you weren't sure what time you'd be available due to your work schedule doesn't mean you blew him off. The sad truth is that he never intended to see you again when he asked for that 2nd date, so you didn't do anything wrong.

[mavis_6]

You're probably right. And it's sad I know, but it honestly was my best date in years. You read my comment about the kinds of guys who hit on me. I've even tried to force myself to go out with some of them, hoping attraction will "grow" (it doesn't). Like I said, I'm average looking, but it seems that all the "average" men want someone hot.

[Heatherknows]

You're probably right. And it's sad I know, but it honestly was my best date in years. You read my comment about the kinds of guys who hit on me. I've even tried to force myself to go out with some of them, hoping attraction will "grow" (it doesn't). Like I said, I'm average looking, but it seems that all the "average" men want someone hot.

 

Mavis you met a sleazy guy in a bar. Time to file that experience away in the trash. The best thing for you right now is to work on feeling better about yourself.

[Redhead14]

recently i met a guy in a bar. we flirted a bit and he asked for my number and kissed me goodbye (we were both a bit drunk). then he texted and after chatting a bit, asked me to go for drinks. he also said he would pay for the first round. we met up and had a couple drinks and what i thought was a great conversation. we talked for about 2 hours, then he asked if i want to go somewhere else (that same night) but i told him i had to work the next morning. he asked if i want to meet again the following weekend. we agreed on friday but then he said "you probably have to work again the next morning." i said yes so maybe saturday would be better, and he said ok, but i was a bit evasive on setting a time because of my work schedule. the bill came and he asked to go dutch. i was a bit taken aback and annoyed. he walked me to my car and said a quick goodbye and took off. i talked to a friend who told me i blew him off. so the next day i texted to say hi and it was good to see him. he did not respond. so i waited another day, then texted and said i wonder if i seemed standoffish, the truth is i am really shy and didn't want to drink a lot. and i told him i did want to see him again. he texted back saying the date was fine but we would not be a good fit. i asked him why, and he said there was "no chemistry." he also said "i'm sure you'll meet the right guy eventually." so what happened? was he just not attracted to me? and if not why did he ask for a second date and then change his mind?

 

First of all, the first meeting at the bar wasn't a date and neither was the second time you saw him. It was just a meet up. Maybe thought he might want to date you, but found that he wasn't as attracted as he thought. Remember, you guys were tipsy the first night. Or he was looking for a hook up and you didn't/couldn't bite so he moved on.

 

he also said he would pay for the first round

 

the bill came and he asked to go dutch. i was a bit taken aback and annoyed -- he told you he would pay for first round. So if you had more than one round, splitting the bill is fine especially since it wasn't a "date". A date is a planned evening out for dinner, etc.

 

i texted to say hi and it was good to see him. he did not respond -- You send a guy you just met a text and he doesn't respond. You don't reach out again. You sit back and see what happens.

[lilmissjava]

Beer goggles.

[mavis_6]

Beer goggles.

 

so he had beer goggles on when we first met in the bar? and then when he saw me sober he wasn't attracted? yes, that's what i was afraid of.

[Heatherknows]

so he had beer goggles on when we first met in the bar? and then when he saw me sober he wasn't attracted? yes, that's what i was afraid of.

 

No need to be afraid. Just file this away as a crusty experience. Right now, concentrate on getting yourself into a place where you'll feel less like a victim.

[TaraMaiden2]

Did he SEEM drunk, or even tipsy, to you, when you met up?

[lilmissjava]

so he had beer goggles on when we first met in the bar? and then when he saw me sober he wasn't attracted? yes, that's what i was afraid of.

 

Some people are a lot more forthcoming when alcohol hits the blood stream.

 

Forget about him. Just a random guy in a bar.

[Redhead14]

so he had beer goggles on when we first met in the bar? and then when he saw me sober he wasn't attracted? yes, that's what i was afraid of.

 

Afraid? -- There's nothing to be afraid of. You were tipsy, he was tipsy. You just happened to still have interest in him after the beer wore off and he didn't. There's nothing wrong with that. It is what it is. Just because a guy talks to you, it doesn't mean he's all in. If you make "contact" with a guy, and he asks for your number, you sit back and observe whether he keeps in good touch. You don't reach out to him first for a little while. Just observe.

 

What if you woke up the next morning and decided you didn't really have any attraction to him? Would you see him again? He woke up, wasn't really sure, gave it another opportunity to see if there was anything there for him and there wasn't. Big deal.

[mavis_6]

what i am afraid of is that it happens to me all the time. guys think i'm ok if they see a filtered photo or if they're drunk in a dimly lit bar. then when they see my face up close they suddenly lose interest. unless they themselves are in the categories i mentioned above. i honestly didn't think i was so bad to look at until i started dating.

[Kamille]

Stop putting yourself down. This guy was clearly looking for an easy hook up. You aren't. The two of you don't want the same thing. He wants casual sex and you've clearly shown you don't. So he did you both a favour and walked away.

 

This guy is probably not looking to settle down with anyone. It's not about you.

 

This has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness. This is a simple case of two people not being on the same page.

 

Be thankful you stuck to your guns and avoided landing yourself in a FWB relationship with a guy you already have feelings for.

[mavis_6]

Thank you, I appreciate this response.

Edited December 11, 2015 by mavis_6

[Redhead14]

what i am afraid of is that it happens to me all the time. guys think i'm ok if they see a filtered photo or if they're drunk in a dimly lit bar. then when they see my face up close they suddenly lose interest. unless they themselves are in the categories i mentioned above. i honestly didn't think i was so bad to look at until i started dating.

 

Unless these guys are actually telling you that you are unattractive, you have no idea that's what the "issue" is. It may not have anything to do with looks -- things just didn't click or they didn't want the same thing you do. You are mind-reading. Don't do that. Just observe the situation and take it for what it is or isn't.

[dobielover]

I'm gonna go against the grain here.

 

You met him at a bar.

 

You had your first date at a bar.

 

The second date was to be at a bar.

 

Both the night you met, and your first date, weren't able to go long because you had to work in the morning. The second date wasn't set firm and the scheduling was a little tricky because you work in the morning.

 

This guy doesn't want to be limited by your schedule. If you were having a great time on your first date, you'd just let yourself be tired in the morning and continue on. You were uptight when he wanted to go Dutch, visibly annoyed.

 

To him, you're a killjoy and too restrained and uptight. That's how I read the OP.

[mavis_6]

I appreciate that, but the thing is, I'm not young anymore - I'm in my 30s and I've had years of being chased by desperate, unattractive guys and ignored/rejected by decent ones. After a while you start to think something is wrong with you. Plus, I think I'm fairly realistic about what I look like: I'm not hideous to look at, but not conventionally beautiful either, and many men still want to chase the "hot girl" even at my age. I wish I had either great looks or confidence (at least enough to 'fake it'); at this point I have neither, but trying to work on the latter is my best bet.

[Heatherknows]

I appreciate that, but the thing is, I'm not young anymore - I'm in my 30s and I've had years of being chased by desperate, unattractive guys and ignored/rejected by decent ones. After a while you start to think something is wrong with you. Plus, I think I'm fairly realistic about what I look like: I'm not hideous to look at, but not conventionally beautiful either, and many men still want to chase the "hot girl" even at my age. I wish I had either great looks or confidence (at least enough to 'fake it'); at this point I have neither, but trying to work on the latter is my best bet.

 

Any girl can be hot and beautiful. It just isn't that hard. Makeup, working out, eating right, clothes. Meeting men at bars is a horrible idea. But right now I don't think attracting men is the problem. You need to feed your soul first.

[mavis_6]

You may be right. And looking back I honestly wish I would have stayed out later with him that night; it wasn't just about my schedule, I was playing hard to get which was a big mistake. On the other hand, isn't planning a date about compromise? Why did our meet ups have to be in bars and late at night? And why did he say he was getting the first round and then go dutch? (BTW, I had 2 drinks in total, so it's not like he would have broken the bank).

[mavis_6]

@Heather: I respect your opinion, but I both agree and disagree. I do believe all women are beautiful; unfortunately many men just don't see it that way. I had makeup on and nice clothes, and I'm a healthy weight (5"6, 140 lbs). I just don't have a gorgeous face, and to some men that is a deal-breaker, even if they aren't "gorgeous" themselves. Attracting men is a problem for me, but it probably has to do with reasons other than looks.

[dobielover]

You may be right. And looking back I honestly wish I would have stayed out later with him that night; it wasn't just about my schedule, I was playing hard to get which was a big mistake. On the other hand, isn't planning a date about compromise? Why did our meet ups have to be in bars and late at night? And why did he say he was getting the first round and then go dutch? (BTW, I had 2 drinks in total, so it's not like he would have broken the bank).

 

Ending a date early to play hard to get is just silly.

 

Did you suggest an alternative location?