he asked for a second date and then changed his mind. why?

[Shining One]

On the other hand, isn't planning a date about compromise? Why did our meet ups have to be in bars and late at night?

Did you suggest alternative times and locations? If so, how did he respond?

And why did he say he was getting the first round and then go dutch? (BTW, I had 2 drinks in total, so it's not like he would have broken the bank).

"Getting the first round" and Dutch are the same thing when you have an even number of drinks. He paid for the first drinks and you paid for the second.

[mavis_6]

I agree it was silly. But we met at 8 and I went home at 10, so it's not like I bolted right away. And no, I did not suggest another location, but your point was he didn't want to work around my schedule. Why not? Isn't that what everyone has to do when planning a date/meet up with someone?

[dobielover]

I agree it was silly. But we met at 8 and I went home at 10, so it's not like I bolted right away. And no, I did not suggest another location, but your point was he didn't want to work around my schedule. Why not? Isn't that what everyone has to do when planning a date/meet up with someone?

 

You're not being sincere. You were intentionally being difficult to play hard to get. You didn't have a schedule that really needed working around.

 

Respectfully, if you don't think you're attractive and you lack confidence, playing these games isn't going to help you, it's only going to make matters worse.

[mavis_6]

No, I did not suggest alternatives. It's not like I wasn't willing to meet in a bar, but my point is that if he knew I had to work in the morning, why did he still want the next date to involve drinking late at night? About the drinks: I know what you mean about "the first round" etc. - but if the guy liked me at all, wouldn't he pick up a $12 tab? I'm not accusing, just asking - to me it said he didn't like me that much; at least, that's how I read it at the time.

[Heatherknows]

Did you suggest alternative times and locations? If so, how did he respond?"Getting the first round" and Dutch are the same thing when you have an even number of drinks. He paid for the first drinks and you paid for the second.

 

....this conversation is ridiculous. The man was trying to get her into bed ASAP for as cheaply as possible.

 

End of story.

 

Mavis, this guy was a sleaze bag. You're feeling insecure right now so any male attention is making you feel excited. You might benefit from some therapy.

[mavis_6]

You're not being sincere. You were intentionally being difficult to play hard to get. You didn't have a schedule that really needed working around.

 

Respectfully, if you don't think you're attractive and you lack confidence, playing these games isn't going to help you, it's only going to make matters worse.

 

 

I agree with the fact that playing hard to get is likely making my situation worse. I find it funny though that most of the girls are like "move on, he just wanted a hookup" while the guys are like "you need to stop playing games/ appease him basically." I can't tell for sure by the username, but I'm assuming you're a guy right?

[dobielover]

No, I did not suggest alternatives. It's not like I wasn't willing to meet in a bar, but my point is that if he knew I had to work in the morning, why did he still want the next date to involve drinking late at night? About the drinks: I know what you mean about "the first round" etc. - but if the guy liked me at all, wouldn't he pick up a $12 tab? I'm not accusing, just asking - to me it said he didn't like me that much; at least, that's how I read it at the time.

 

I wouldn't pick up the tab for someone who was being difficult, going to leave early and was making it clear the next date would be short too. What's the point?

[dobielover]

I agree with the fact that playing hard to get is likely making my situation worse. I find it funny though that most of the girls are like "move on, he just wanted a hookup" while the guys are like "you need to stop playing games/ appease him basically." I can't tell for sure by the username, but I'm assuming you're a guy right?

 

No, I'm a female.

 

I'm in the middle. The point of dating is to meet someone and have fun. You were not presenting a fun environment for him. You were being difficult. And intentionally so, to play games. And your annoyance at the paying thing was obvious to him. It should be easy and fun in the beginning, and you were being a little bit of a PITA.

Edited December 11, 2015 by dobielover

[Shining One]

I find it funny though that most of the girls are like "move on, he just wanted a hookup" while the guys are like "you need to stop playing games/ appease him basically."

I'm fairly sure I'm the only male poster in this thread at the moment. I'm of the mindset that we have insufficient information to draw any conclusions. He may have wanted a hookup or he may have been put off by your behavior. You do need to move on as he's already made his decision clear. I'd also recommend you stop playing games, but don't just appease men. If you can and want to stay out later, stay out later. If you want to meet somewhere other than a bar, recommend a location. If you want to meet earlier, suggest it.

[Kamille]

No, I did not suggest alternatives. It's not like I wasn't willing to meet in a bar, but my point is that if he knew I had to work in the morning, why did he still want the next date to involve drinking late at night? About the drinks: I know what you mean about "the first round" etc. - but if the guy liked me at all, wouldn't he pick up a $12 tab? I'm not accusing, just asking - to me it said he didn't like me that much; at least, that's how I read it at the time.

 

He wanted to get you into bed ASAP (as Heatherknows says) and realized you weren't going to play.

 

You're trying to figure out a situation that is really clearcut. Nothing you could have done or said short of hinting he would get to sleep with you on the next date would have changed anything.

 

And I understand that this feels like rejection and that rejection makes you question your level of attractiveness. I've been there. But I guarantee this has nothing to do with your level of attractiveness.

[losangelena]

we talked for about 2 hours, then he asked if i want to go somewhere else (that same night) but i told him i had to work the next morning. he asked if i want to meet again the following weekend. we agreed on friday but then he said "you probably have to work again the next morning." i said yes so maybe saturday would be better, and he said ok, but i was a bit evasive on setting a time because of my work schedule. the bill came and he asked to go dutch. i was a bit taken aback and annoyed. he walked me to my car and said a quick goodbye and took off.

 

He wanted to go somewhere else like another bar or like, his house?

 

I went on a couple of first/second dates like that, where the guy was like, let's go somewhere quiet, etc, and I always read it as, "let's go have sex," because when I demurred, those dates abruptly ended, the guy said a hasty goodbye, and I never heard from them again. To me it sounds like this guy was hoping you'd put out. He figured he wasn't going to get what he wanted, and then after you gave him attitude over the bill, he probably just wanted to cut his loses.

 

You met him while tipsy in a bar and you kissed him on night one. I can see why he thought he might have some luck getting you in the sack. I don't think this has anything to do with you being attractive enough (good god, girl, you probably look fine, your not a bridge troll or anything). You just proved to be a more difficult lay than he anticipated and that was it. You should be glad he revealed his true colors so soon.

[Shining One]

He wanted to go somewhere else like another bar or like, his house?

I can only speak for myself, but when I suggest we go somewhere else, it can mean any of the following locations: A fondue place I like (great dessert place), a late night restaurant (especially after drinking), a walk on the beach (when at a bar near the water), another bar, or my place. Most of the ladies would ask: "What did you have in mind?" when I suggested this or they would suggest somewhere themselves.

[losangelena]

I can only speak for myself, but when I suggest we go somewhere else, it can mean any of the following locations: A fondue place I like (great dessert place), a late night restaurant (especially after drinking), a walk on the beach (when at a bar near the water), another bar, or my place. Most of the ladies would ask: "What did you have in mind?" when I suggested this or they would suggest somewhere themselves.

 

Regardless, it just sounds like he was angling for something and he bolted because he didn't get it. Yes, op's attitude probably didn't help matters, but I think if a man's really smitten, he'll overlook a bad attitude, for a while at least.

 

To me, it sounds like mismatched expectations. Op thought it was a date and that there was real interest, and the guy maybe wanted somethings more base. I'm definitely open to being incorrect on this, it's just my spidey sense, since I've been in that boat.

[Versacehottie]

recently i met a guy in a bar. we flirted a bit and he asked for my number and kissed me goodbye (we were both a bit drunk). then he texted and after chatting a bit, asked me to go for drinks. he also said he would pay for the first round. we met up and had a couple drinks and what i thought was a great conversation. we talked for about 2 hours, then he asked if i want to go somewhere else (that same night) but i told him i had to work the next morning. he asked if i want to meet again the following weekend. we agreed on friday but then he said "you probably have to work again the next morning." i said yes so maybe saturday would be better, and he said ok, but i was a bit evasive on setting a time because of my work schedule. the bill came and he asked to go dutch. i was a bit taken aback and annoyed. he walked me to my car and said a quick goodbye and took off. i talked to a friend who told me i blew him off. so the next day i texted to say hi and it was good to see him. he did not respond. so i waited another day, then texted and said i wonder if i seemed standoffish, the truth is i am really shy and didn't want to drink a lot. and i told him i did want to see him again. he texted back saying the date was fine but we would not be a good fit. i asked him why, and he said there was "no chemistry." he also said "i'm sure you'll meet the right guy eventually." so what happened? was he just not attracted to me? and if not why did he ask for a second date and then change his mind?

 

Huh? ok, he sounds annoying---and not interested. I think he may have been looking for a hookup (with the whole wanting to make sure you didn't have to be to work early the next am--a little presumptious and telling of his real intentions). Then with texting afterward, you made it look like you were desperate--especially in light of his poor behavior. I would take him at his word that he feels no chemistry/not attracted. He asked for the second date because you were already in the "options"/"backburner" category and then your texts after that plus more reflection time for him, got him to make his final decision.

 

Try to forget him. There is nothing there. I don't think you should overanalyze it or wonder if there was something you could have done differently. Maybe in general (for you) learning to read signals better and having more self-respect? When you got annoyed on the date, that should have been your clue that something was off. Pay more attention to the your gut instincts. Good luck

[mavis_6]

What's a PITA?

[losangelena]

What's a PITA?

 

Pain in the a**

[mavis_6]

Actually, after I said I had to work the next am, I did ask him, what did you have in mind? (For that night) and he responded by saying, "you have to work tomorrow, why don't we meet up again next weekend?" I'm pretty sure he wanted to go to another bar.

[katiegrl]

@Heather: I respect your opinion, but I both agree and disagree. I do believe all women are beautiful; unfortunately many men just don't see it that way. I had makeup on and nice clothes, and I'm a healthy weight (5"6, 140 lbs). I just don't have a gorgeous face, and to some men that is a deal-breaker, even if they aren't "gorgeous" themselves. Attracting men is a problem for me, but it probably has to do with reasons other than looks.

 

If he did not think you were attractive, he would not have asked you out in the first place.

 

Let alone ask for a second date while on your first!

 

Who knows why he changed his mind, it could be anything! He said no chemistry, which is probably the truth.

 

Chemistry entails lots of things.....it's deeper than just looks.

 

Anyway, stop beating yourself up about your "average" looks. With respect, you sound obsessive about it....

 

It makes no sense it was because he did not like your looks, since again, if that were the case, he wouldn't have bothered approaching you at the bar (assuming he approached), and asking you out.

 

Then asking you for a second.

 

People change their minds, it is very common. I think you should stop over-thinking, people are complex....and have their own issues.

 

I'm sorry you were disappointed though....

 

Good luck going forward.

[mavis_6]

You're right about me being insecure. But "any" male attention does NOT make me excited - like I said, I regularly get hit on by much older men, very unattractive and dull guys. This guy was what I would call average-looking, he wasn't old, and he was intelligent and interesting to talk to. In fact, he's one of the few guys I've actually felt excited about after a date.

[dobielover]

Actually, after I said I had to work the next am, I did ask him, what did you have in mind? (For that night) and he responded by saying, "you have to work tomorrow, why don't we meet up again next weekend?" I'm pretty sure he wanted to go to another bar.

 

He wanted to continue the evening, and you'd already said you had to work in the morning. He was being respectful of your schedule, but that doesn't mean he has to like it. And you could have easily kept it to yourself instead of playing hard to get if you were really interested.

 

It was just too much trouble. And I don't think it was because he wanted to get you home and into bed. It was just becoming clear that your schedule didn't fit his for dating.

[katiegrl]

You're right about me being insecure. But "any" male attention does NOT make me excited - like I said, I regularly get hit on by much older men, very unattractive and dull guys. This guy was what I would call average-looking, he wasn't old, and he was intelligent and interesting to talk to. In fact, he's one of the few guys I've actually felt excited about after a date.

 

I get you were excited and now you're disappointed. That's life sweetie, it happens to all of us!

 

Howver, obsessing about why he changed his mind .... or about why anyone does what they do.... is a futile WASTE of energy.

 

Use that energy finding ways to feel better about yourself instead.

 

And going forward, stop playing games! If you like a guy, be open, genuine, fun, flexible and spontaneous.

 

Chalk this one up....and move forward.

[mavis_6]

Thanks, I appreciate that. I am a bit obsessive about my looks - Tbh, most of my dating experiences have made me feel ugly. He did make the first move, but I thought maybe he had beer goggles on when we first met and found me unattractive once sober. Like you said, he did ask for a second date, but like others suggested, maybe he was just hoping for an easy lay? The sad part is I sometimes wonder if guys hit on me BECAUSE they find me unattractive and assume/hope I'll be desperate. I think my head is getting messed up and I need to avoid the bars.

[Versacehottie]

I'm gonna go against the grain here.

 

You met him at a bar.

 

You had your first date at a bar.

 

The second date was to be at a bar.

 

Both the night you met, and your first date, weren't able to go long because you had to work in the morning. The second date wasn't set firm and the scheduling was a little tricky because you work in the morning.

 

This guy doesn't want to be limited by your schedule. If you were having a great time on your first date, you'd just let yourself be tired in the morning and continue on. You were uptight when he wanted to go Dutch, visibly annoyed.

 

To him, you're a killjoy and too restrained and uptight. That's how I read the OP.

 

I agree with some of this. the guy had murky intentions and at best was a lazy dater looking for easy hookup. When OP showed more of herself (schedule, what she is looking for due to her actions), the lazy guy was over it and saw no point in continuing because it was neither easy enough or compelling enough. More trouble than it was worth. Not to start the whole paying debate again but most guys looking to impress you don't propose a date where he offers to get the 'first round", putting a limit on his investment thus conveying how much you are worth to him and risk offending you.

 

Despite the debate of who SHOULD pay, most guys interested in DATING you, DO pay still. I think it was fine that he stuck to his original thing of getting first round and thus splitting the bill--but it also lets you know he wasn't swept away by the fun of the date, and not concerned about impressing or offending OP. This is not to open the discussion of who should pay again! This is simply to give insight on what his mindset was. (it's possible that these are his beliefs about paying in general OR what I think is he did not feel like he wanted to "do much" for this date).

[mavis_6]

So assuming that is the case, at this point there's no way I could get him to see me again? Interesting as almost everyone else said he was likely just looking for a hookup or not interested. If it really was just about my schedule or me playing hard to get, I'd definitely be more open next time if he agreed to give me another chance. But I'm guessing that's not possible?

[mavis_6]

That's exactly what I thought when he didn't pay, especially since it was a small amount of money - he didn't care or like me that much. That's why I got annoyed.