he asked for a second date and then changed his mind. why?

[losangelena]

I actually don't dislike it, I just haven't had the time to sit down and write the long, drawn-out response that would fully encapsulate my thoughts on this issue.

 

And TS, c'mon—I get that you feel "targeted," but what you said triggered a response in me. I mentioned several times that I understood you were coming from a good place and that I wasn't mad at you personally. Now you're the one picking on me—let it go, please.

 

 

 

Listen, I have been up and down the weight roller coaster my entire adult life. It doesn't take a genius to figure out societal standards and when you do and don't meet them. But having existed pretty far outside of what's considered "attractive" for many years, I have a certain perspective about all this.

 

I have never said that mavis doesn't need to make changes. She does, but more to her attitudes and perceptions about herself than her psychical appearance. Sometimes, when the discuss of "improvement" focuses heavily on the outside (lose weight, fix your hair, do your make up, etc), it can make someone feel like UNLESS and UNTIL they meet those standards, that they are UNWORTHY of a relationship. That's why I've been defending mavis more than most—not to lie to her or coddle her—because I get the sense from her posts that this is how she feels, and she needs to know that it's not true.

 

I in no way am against self improvement. If I was, I would have stayed at my previous 300+ pound weight. Yes, it's EASIER to find someone to date if you are more attractive, but that doesn't mean you're LESS WORTHY of having a fulfilling relationship just because you need some improvement. I think that, in part, is what mavis needs to learn. Besides, all those self improvement strategies actually get easier when you think you deserve something better.

 

But bottom-line, I believe that no make-up, frizzy-haired, muffin-topped mavis is just as worthy as contoured, sleek-coiffed, hard-bodied mavis. That is ALL I'm saying, and all I've been saying.

 

Hatchet buried. Over and out.

[truth_seeker]

I've known women (some close relatives, others I went on dates with) who complain and complain about how men are not good enough for them and how they never meet the right guys. It's talk like that, that makes men want to walk away from them, regardless of how good-looking they are.

 

Sometimes all of us (men and women) need an outsider to straighten them out. If you came here to hear what you want to hear, then is that going to help you? You need to hear the truth and do something about it.

 

From your pic, you look very nice. From what you've written, you don't seem too nice. I'm not saying you're a bad person, I just can't get over in the earlier posts how you sh-t on guys saying they're below average and ugly, which was really cruel.

 

I was on vacation 2 years ago and met a really pretty woman. Got her number, we planned to go out the next night. We met for drinks and her attitude just killed it. All of those good looks went away fast in my eyes. Date ended very early and I'm glad it did.

 

So, I offered advice on how to improve your appearance... now I'm offering advice on how to improve your attitude. Sometimes it's what's on the inside that counts more than what's on the outside.

Edited December 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[truth_seeker]

I actually don't dislike it, I just haven't had the time to sit down and write the long, drawn-out response that would fully encapsulate my thoughts on this issue.

 

And TS, c'mon—I get that you feel "targeted," but what you said triggered a response in me. I mentioned several times that I understood you were coming from a good place and that I wasn't mad at you personally. Now you're the one picking on me—let it go, please.

 

 

 

Listen, I have been up and down the weight roller coaster my entire adult life. It doesn't take a genius to figure out societal standards and when you do and don't meet them. But having existed pretty far outside of what's considered "attractive" for many years, I have a certain perspective about all this.

 

I have never said that mavis doesn't need to make changes. She does, but more to her attitudes and perceptions about herself than her psychical appearance. Sometimes, when the discuss of "improvement" focuses heavily on the outside (lose weight, fix your hair, do your make up, etc), it can make someone feel like UNLESS and UNTIL they meet those standards, that they are UNWORTHY of a relationship. That's why I've been defending mavis more than most—not to lie to her or coddle her—because I get the sense from her posts that this is how she feels, and she needs to know that it's not true.

 

I in no way am against self improvement. If I was, I would have stayed at my previous 300+ pound weight. Yes, it's EASIER to find someone to date if you are more attractive, but that doesn't mean you're LESS WORTHY of having a fulfilling relationship just because you need some improvement. I think that, in part, is what mavis needs to learn. Besides, all those self improvement strategies actually get easier when you think you deserve something better.

 

But bottom-line, I believe that no make-up, frizzy-haired, muffin-topped mavis is just as worthy as contoured, sleek-coiffed, hard-bodied mavis. That is ALL I'm saying, and all I've been saying.

 

Hatchet buried. Over and out.

 

I had a feeling me bringing up weight would upset those who have weight issues themselves.

 

You took what I wrote way too personally. You shouldn't have... but you did and focused way too much on it, not really wanting to understand my points.

 

Did I say OP was fat? No. I just said she could lose weight to make herself look and feel better. Turn on the TV! What are these commercials and tv shows about? Losing weight to look better!

 

If OP lost, lets say 10 pounds, had a makeover, people would be saying: "woah! Look at at Mavis! She's a hottie!" Guys would be doing double-takes and asking her out. It's the truth. People need to accept it.

[losangelena]

I think you're misconstruing what I'm trying to say. I said, verbatim, "I have been up and down the weight roller coaster my entire adult life. It doesn't take a genius to figure out societal standards and when you do and don't meet them."

 

I do understand where you're coming from, but I don't necessarily agree and am not willing to get into some drawn out debate. I have been debating this my whole life and don't feel the need to try and convince anyone of anything.

 

Mavis understands and appreciates what I'm trying to say. This is her thread, so I'm content with that. I'm glad she finds it helpful.

[mavis_6]

Tbh, my insecurity about my looks had little to do with weight in the first place. I see a lot of cute chubby girls with hot boyfriends/husbands. I was more worried about my facial features not being attractive enough. It was nice to hear from some people that they disagreed.

[mavis_6]

I've known women (some close relatives, others I went on dates with) who complain and complain about how men are not good enough for them and how they never meet the right guys. It's talk like that, that makes men want to walk away from them, regardless of how good-looking they are.

 

Sometimes all of us (men and women) need an outsider to straighten them out. If you came here to hear what you want to hear, then is that going to help you? You need to hear the truth and do something about it.

 

From your pic, you look very nice. From what you've written, you don't seem too nice. I'm not saying you're a bad person, I just can't get over in the earlier posts how you sh-t on guys saying they're below average and ugly, which was really cruel.

 

I was on vacation 2 years ago and met a really pretty woman. Got her number, we planned to go out the next night. We met for drinks and her attitude just killed it. All of those good looks went away fast in my eyes. Date ended very early and I'm glad it did.

 

So, I offered advice on how to improve your appearance... now I'm offering advice on how to improve your attitude. Sometimes it's what's on the inside that counts more than what's on the outside.

 

Yes, I agree with some of what you said here. I do realize and have already agreed that my attitude needs changing.

[Leigh 87]

I actually don't dislike it, I just haven't had the time to sit down and write the long, drawn-out response that would fully encapsulate my thoughts on this issue.

 

And TS, c'mon—I get that you feel "targeted," but what you said triggered a response in me. I mentioned several times that I understood you were coming from a good place and that I wasn't mad at you personally. Now you're the one picking on me—let it go, please.

 

 

 

Listen, I have been up and down the weight roller coaster my entire adult life. It doesn't take a genius to figure out societal standards and when you do and don't meet them. But having existed pretty far outside of what's considered "attractive" for many years, I have a certain perspective about all this.

 

I have never said that mavis doesn't need to make changes. She does, but more to her attitudes and perceptions about herself than her psychical appearance. Sometimes, when the discuss of "improvement" focuses heavily on the outside (lose weight, fix your hair, do your make up, etc), it can make someone feel like UNLESS and UNTIL they meet those standards, that they are UNWORTHY of a relationship. That's why I've been defending mavis more than most—not to lie to her or coddle her—because I get the sense from her posts that this is how she feels, and she needs to know that it's not true.

 

I in no way am against self improvement. If I was, I would have stayed at my previous 300+ pound weight. Yes, it's EASIER to find someone to date if you are more attractive, but that doesn't mean you're LESS WORTHY of having a fulfilling relationship just because you need some improvement. I think that, in part, is what mavis needs to learn. Besides, all those self improvement strategies actually get easier when you think you deserve something better.

 

But bottom-line, I believe that no make-up, frizzy-haired, muffin-topped mavis is just as worthy as contoured, sleek-coiffed, hard-bodied mavis. That is ALL I'm saying, and all I've been saying.

 

Hatchet buried. Over and out.

 

I am far outside of what is considered attractive yet people call me attractive every day.

 

It's all about your fashion sense and self pride.

 

Honestly, I am treated like an attractive womanby the world around me. Even though I am not, and it's merely my clothes and how I put myself together. .....

 

There's a way Mavis can started to have options like I do. She's no less attractive than I am yet doesn't have loads of male attention like I do. Obviously, if two women are both cute and one gets treated like she's very attractive and one doesn't, then there is much room for improvements.

[Dekho Karachi]

He was interested in you or conversation would have not been maintained for two hours. However I believe your attitude put him off. Especially when you were not able to set a time for the next date even if you had obvious reasons for it ( from a guys perspective , I perceive that you have nothing else to do in the world and I am super busy so whatever time I give you I hope to see you there)

[mavis_6]

He was interested in you or conversation would have not been maintained for two hours. However I believe your attitude put him off. Especially when you were not able to set a time for the next date even if you had obvious reasons for it ( from a guys perspective , I perceive that you have nothing else to do in the world and I am super busy so whatever time I give you I hope to see you there)

 

Are u a guy? Just have a question. Even though most people said it's not possible/ a bad idea, do you think there's any way I could get this guy to see me again? I was thinking of just asking him to a casual get together (not date-like so he doesn't feel pressured) but I highly doubt he will come. People said he's just about hooking up, and that's very likely true. But I want to get to know him better and find out for sure. I know it seems desperate but I really liked the guy. Any thoughts?

[thecrucible]

Mavis, do you think you will see him again through your social network/friend group/some event? I'd be inclined to wait until then if it seems likely you may bump into him again and assess from there whether you can start things up again. I've had this before. Guys with whom it hasn't worked out with are usually still interested after things haven't worked out, but only for a little while.

 

However I also think that if the guy has put you in his mind as someone he'd only want a hookup with or he is in that frame of mind in general, there is nothing really you can do about it. I always operate on this basis and maybe it's made me miss out on a few potential dates but mostly it's allowed me to keep dignity and/or flog a dead horse.

 

But you decide what is best for you. Trial and error is a good way to figure things out for yourself. But be realistic about potential outcomes and reflect on whether it's worth reaching out. This works for me. It's good to take a step back sometimes.

 

Also thanks for your kind words!

[Kamille]

Are u a guy? Just have a question. Even though most people said it's not possible/ a bad idea, do you think there's any way I could get this guy to see me again? I was thinking of just asking him to a casual get together (not date-like so he doesn't feel pressured) but I highly doubt he will come. People said he's just about hooking up, and that's very likely true. But I want to get to know him better and find out for sure. I know it seems desperate but I really liked the guy. Any thoughts?

 

I go through this after someone I like rejects me. It's a "negotiation phase", trying to figure out a way that I could still have that person in my life. I don't know why I do it - in my case, likely ego (who dares reject me?! If he got to know me he would see how awesome I am, how great we are together.). I just know that I do it.

 

It's easy to see from the outside that you would be better off figuring out ways to meet more men you might like.

[mavis_6]

Mavis, do you think you will see him again through your social network/friend group/some event? I'd be inclined to wait until then if it seems likely you may bump into him again and assess from there whether you can start things up again. I've had this before. Guys with whom it hasn't worked out with are usually still interested after things haven't worked out, but only for a little while.

 

However I also think that if the guy has put you in his mind as someone he'd only want a hookup with or he is in that frame of mind in general, there is nothing really you can do about it. I always operate on this basis and maybe it's made me miss out on a few potential dates but mostly it's allowed me to keep dignity and/or flog a dead horse.

 

But you decide what is best for you. Trial and error is a good way to figure things out for yourself. But be realistic about potential outcomes and reflect on whether it's worth reaching out. This works for me. It's good to take a step back sometimes.

 

Also thanks for your kind words!

 

No problem and thank you too for your comments Well, it's unlikely I will see him again, and it's already been a while. So I went against my better judgement and people's advice, and texted him again. I tried to keep it casual and invited him to a group event I was going to. It was a music thing, and he's a musician so I figured it was worth a shot. He didn't answer. At all, not even to say thanks but no thanks. I'm not surprised, obviously. It just confirmed what I already expected and what most people said. Either way I have learned a lot from this experience, got some thoughtful feedback and encouragement, and was forced to look at issues I knew I needed to address.

Edited December 20, 2015 by mavis_6

[Snakechammah]

You know what really baffles me?

 

Why can't people (girl or guy) have the decency to just reply to one text? If he's not interested, why can't he just say so? Why must one resort to arrogance and rudely ignoring the text like it never existed - do they get an ego boost from it?

 

What goes around comes back around, and eventually, this idiot will get ghosted just like how he did to you.

 

For now, just move on from him, spare him not one single thought and move on. There will be other dates and they will be more fun than this one. I wish you all the best!

[mavis_6]

Thanks Well, he did already tell me he wasn't interested. But I thought I'd try to reach out to him in a more casual way...I made it sound like a "friend" meet up rather than a date. However, he probably still knows I'm chasing and doesn't want to encourage me. I didn't treat him that well either I guess. But yeah, I've had guys I wasn't interested in continue to text me after I said so, and if they were nice (not pushy) about it I'd at least give them some kind of reply. In this case, I wasn't super clingy, I mean I waited quite a while to send it since our last text, so I agree it was a bit rude, but seems to be par for the course with bar guys.

Edited December 20, 2015 by mavis_6