he asked for a second date and then changed his mind. why?

[losangelena]

So assuming that is the case, at this point there's no way I could get him to see me again? Interesting as almost everyone else said he was likely just looking for a hookup or not interested. If it really was just about my schedule or me playing hard to get, I'd definitely be more open next time if he agreed to give me another chance. But I'm guessing that's not possible?

 

That's exactly what I thought when he didn't pay, especially since it was a small amount of money - he didn't care or like me that much. That's why I got annoyed.

 

You really want another date with someone who was not taken with you?

 

However he got to where he was, he seems like a cold fish. I would tack this up to a learning experience and move on.

[katiegrl]

So assuming that is the case, at this point there's no way I could get him to see me again? Interesting as almost everyone else said he was likely just looking for a hookup or not interested. If it really was just about my schedule or me playing hard to get, I'd definitely be more open next time if he agreed to give me another chance. But I'm guessing that's not possible?

 

If you really want another chsnce, go back to the bar you met him at....approach him....and start over.

 

If it were me, I would walk up to him and playfully say "do I know you"? wink wink.

 

Then just be light, breezy, playful. Don't bring up what went down before, start from scratch.

 

Have fun, flirt, then leave him thinking about you, wanting more.....

 

Either he will call asking you out or he won't.

 

You have nothing to lose IMO.

 

If he changed his mind once, he is certainly capable of changing it again in the other direction!

 

Would you feel comfortable doing that?

 

If you really want another chance, you don't really have much choice.

 

DON'T call or text him again ----- that won't *work*.

 

You have to show him you are different, lighter, fun, playful...and again DON'T bring up what went down before.

 

Start from scratch....and try to project an air of confidence!

 

If you don't feel confident, act "as if".

Edited December 11, 2015 by katiegrl

[mavis_6]

@losangelena That post was meant for @dobielover (who seemed to disagree with everyone else and say it was not about hooking up but rather about my schedule).. but to answer your question, yes you're probably right that I should move on (not that I really have a choice). I would like another chance simply because I feel I presented myself pretty badly on the first date, so it's possible he got the wrong idea (I'm extremely awkward and terrible with first dates so I don't often get second ones). It takes me a while to be comfortable with people, at which point they usually get to like me more. But it's probably best to do what you said.

[mavis_6]

@katiegrl good suggestion, however it's not likely I'll see him again at that bar. So idk if that's possible to try. If I do happen to see him though I'll keep it in mind.

[Versacehottie]

I appreciate that, but the thing is, I'm not young anymore - I'm in my 30s and I've had years of being chased by desperate, unattractive guys and ignored/rejected by decent ones. After a while you start to think something is wrong with you. Plus, I think I'm fairly realistic about what I look like: I'm not hideous to look at, but not conventionally beautiful either, and many men still want to chase the "hot girl" even at my age. I wish I had either great looks or confidence (at least enough to 'fake it'); at this point I have neither, but trying to work on the latter is my best bet.

 

Ok, I was getting around to this. You need to stack the odds in your favor as much as possible. With your looks, body and confidence. Study pics. A lot of girls really aren't as pretty as you think they are, they use everything to their advantage to make it appear so. So work on that. Happy to help with that if you need it because it's a great interest of mine. Ok secondly you need to work on your look because that in itself will increase your confidence--which is what a lot of people respond to. You should be doing all of the above because you are worth it. A lot of people might tell you nothing is wrong, the right guy will come along but I'm going to be real and say you should do everything to make yourself as appealing as possible within still being true to yourself. People who care about themselves to this level and invest in their own lives are attractive because they care about the quality of their lives. The attitude you have will reflect it as well (less defeatist).

 

In the interest of fairness in response to other very, ahem, recent threads, I'm going to point out the bolded above. It's not good to use your energy to blame the guys who HAVE been interested in you for your failures with the ones YOU have been interested in. Not cool to be name-calling, the guys who had the good-taste and open-mind TO like you I think you are just frustrated and down so hopefully it's just a moment. But direct your energy into better yourself and your results.

[Heatherknows]

If you really want another chsnce, go back to the bar you met him at....approach him....and start over.

 

If it were me, I would walk up to him and playfully say "do I know you"? wink wink.

 

 

Katie, I'm not sure how old you are but my guess is 20 something.

 

Mavis...this guy wanted a cheap fu*K, period. It couldn't be more obvious. If you see this guy again turn the other way. Unless you want some fast sex because that's all he's offering.

[truth_seeker]

we agreed on friday but then he said "you probably have to work again the next morning."

 

This line right here says it all. He was annoyed that you wouldn't hook up with him that night.

 

He's feeding you BS with the "no chemistry"... he just wanted to hook up with you and that's it.

[Versacehottie]

So assuming that is the case, at this point there's no way I could get him to see me again? Interesting as almost everyone else said he was likely just looking for a hookup or not interested. If it really was just about my schedule or me playing hard to get, I'd definitely be more open next time if he agreed to give me another chance. But I'm guessing that's not possible?

 

No this one is gone. Some self-reflection on why you want someone that treated you somewhat badly AND told you he didn't want to date you and you are STILL interested is what you should do. Work on your self-respect/esteem

[Versacehottie]

That's exactly what I thought when he didn't pay, especially since it was a small amount of money - he didn't care or like me that much. That's why I got annoyed.

 

So you got annoyed but still want to date him? Be annoyed. Decide he's not for you and does not value you in the way you want to be valued. YOU don't like this type of guy. Not make excuses for him to find a way back in with him.

[Heatherknows]

This line right here says it all. He was annoyed that you wouldn't hook up with him that night.

 

He's feeding you BS with the "no chemistry"... he just wanted to hook up with you and that's it.

 

LOL.

 

This thread would better be used trying to help Mavis figure out how to find a nice boyfriend then debating a guy who:

 

1. Just wanted to have sex.

2. Probably married.

3. May have an STD.

4. Possibly all the above.

[truth_seeker]

So you got annoyed but still want to date him? Be annoyed. Decide he's not for you and does not value you in the way you want to be valued. YOU don't like this type of guy. Not make excuses for him to find a way back in with him.

 

It's funny how the guy played the rejection card on her and she's chasing him. I bet this is one of his moves. Who wants to bet that this guy text's OP in a couple of weeks to meet for a drink?

[mavis_6]

@versacehottie - you're right, it's not fair...but you should seriously see some of these guys lol, I don't think I'm exaggerating...they're the kind of guys your friends say you should "give a chance" but would NEVER date themselves. And it's not all about looks and money - I had virtually nothing in common with these guys to even talk about. Most of them were gamers/sci-fi nerds, and that couldn't be further from my interests (I'm an artistic person). As for my look, it could definitely use more work and improvement. My everyday look is pretty drab - but to be fair, if I'm going on a date I make an effort to dress nice, straighten my hair, put on makeup etc.

[truth_seeker]

LOL.

 

This thread would better be used trying to help Mavis figure out how to find a nice boyfriend then debating a guy who:

 

1. Just wanted to have sex.

2. Probably married.

3. May have an STD.

4. Possibly all the above.

 

Well, Mavis did complain in a post that ugly, desperate guys want her but the hot guys don't. Maybe it's time Mavis gets a make over to get these hot guys she desires?

 

1. New hairdo

2. New wardrobe

3. Add make up if she's more au naturale type

 

Hot guys wants hot chicks. If hot chick has a brain, then hot guy will want to put a ring on hot girl's finger.

[katiegrl]

Katie, I'm not sure how old you are but my guess is 20 something.

 

Mavis...this guy wanted a cheap fu*K, period. It couldn't be more obvious. If you see this guy again turn the other way. Unless you want some fast sex because that's all he's offering.

 

No I am in my 30's and been in a LTR for many years.

 

And I was just giving her a suggestion since she expressed desire for second chance.

 

Plus, when I was dating, I had many guys change their minds and feelings about me....feelings are fluid when we first meet, and as I said, if he changed it once, he's capable of changing it again.

 

But y'all are probably right, this guy was just looking for a hook up.....or maybe he just wasn't feeling it, who the hell knows. None of us are mind readers, and there are many things at play here.

 

One thing I have learned is ... things are often NOT as they *appear* to be...we are assuming he only wanted a hookup, then the reality is it could be something entirely different from that.

[losangelena]

It's funny how the guy played the rejection card on her and she's chasing him. I bet this is one of his moves. Who wants to bet that this guy text's OP in a couple of weeks to meet for a drink?

 

I did this once, very early in my dating career. Looking back, it was a real face-palm moment, but I don't think it's uncommon. I think it stems from a poverty mentality, when you think this person, no matter how poorly they treated you, is the last one you'll ever be attracted to or they're as good as you can do.

 

Eff that. OP can definitely do better.

[truth_seeker]

 

One thing I have learned is ... things are often NOT as they *appear* to be...we are assuming he only wanted a hookup, then the reality is it could be something entirely different from that.

 

I agree but not with OP's guy. That line he said to her about "you're probably working the next morning" that was a jab and his way to vent that she wasn't going to give it up to him that night... and also a tactic to possibly play a mind game on her, too. Actually, I think it was... by saying that to her he was hoping she would turn around go home with him to prove she did like him and wasn't making excuses. What happened was she texted him when he rejected her.

 

Bottom line: guy is a player looking for quick, easy sex.

[mavis_6]

@truthseeker: As I mentioned above, I do all those things when I'm going out to meet potential guys (not every day, but on dates or singles events). Unfortunately I don't have a gorgeous face, and aside from cosmetic surgery (which I can't afford) there's not much I can do about that. The thing too is that I don't want a "hot" guy, just an average one (I believe myself to be in that range), and most guys who hit on me are well below average IMO, not only in looks but other aspects as well.

[truth_seeker]

@truthseeker: As I mentioned above, I do all those things when I'm going out to meet potential guys (not every day, but on dates or singles events). Unfortunately I don't have a gorgeous face, and aside from cosmetic surgery (which I can't afford) there's not much I can do about that. The thing too is that I don't want a "hot" guy, just an average one (I believe myself to be in that range), and most guys who hit on me are well below average IMO, not only in looks but other aspects as well.

 

You're saying you're not that good-looking. You're also saying the guys who hit on you are not that good-looking.

 

Question: if you're not that good-looking, then how can you expect good-looking guys to hit on you and non good-looking guys to not hit on you? The guys hitting on you figure: "she's at my looks level, I'll go for her." That's how men think. If you're too hot, the guy says to himself: "Probably attached, if not, she must be a head case with baggage. No thanks." If the girl is average to below average: "I can get her. No other guys will want her. I don't have to worry about guys hitting on her. I'll ask her out."

[katiegrl]

I agree but not with OP's guy. That line he said to her about "you're probably working the next morning" that was a jab and his way to vent that she wasn't going to give it up to him that night... and also a tactic to possibly play a mind game on her, too. Actually, I think it was... by saying that to her he was hoping she would turn around go home with him to prove she did like him and wasn't making excuses. What happened was she texted him when he rejected her.

 

Bottom line: guy is a player looking for quick, easy sex.

 

One could also interpret it as him "speaking for her" sarcastically -- since she appeared unavailable due to her *work*...

 

She even admitted herself she was playing games.....saying she had to leave a perfectly fun date to get up early "for work."

 

Then could not get together Friday as she had to get up early "for work."

 

People make dates all the time, when they have to work the next day...when they're interested and/or not placing obstacles up.

 

So his comment "you're probably working the next day" may have been said in sarcasm with an eyeroll...almost as if he anticipated that was what she was gonna say.

 

I dunno, just offering another different, and IMO plausible explanation.

 

We weren't there so it's hard to know the vibe she was giving off...or what the hell heceas thinking.

[mavis_6]

Sad but true the thing is (and not to sound conceited) I think I am average. The guys who hit on me are below average as I said, much older, very overweight (which I'm not), uneducated etc. I believe this guy was in my league, but I think guys aim out of their league.

[Wewon]

I'm gonna go against the grain here.

 

You met him at a bar.

 

You had your first date at a bar.

 

The second date was to be at a bar.

 

Both the night you met, and your first date, weren't able to go long because you had to work in the morning. The second date wasn't set firm and the scheduling was a little tricky because you work in the morning.

 

This guy doesn't want to be limited by your schedule. If you were having a great time on your first date, you'd just let yourself be tired in the morning and continue on. You were uptight when he wanted to go Dutch, visibly annoyed.

 

To him, you're a killjoy and too restrained and uptight. That's how I read the OP.

 

This was pretty much how I read the OP as well.

 

I didn't get the "sleazy guy in the bar vibe" or the need for a quick hook up.

 

Also, most men are fully aware of the flake factor. When you seemed evasive about setting a time for the next date as well as using work as a reason previously, he figured that a second date would not happened. He preempted to avoid the frustration and awkwardness that flakes usually cause.

[losangelena]

@truthseeker: As I mentioned above, I do all those things when I'm going out to meet potential guys (not every day, but on dates or singles events). Unfortunately I don't have a gorgeous face, and aside from cosmetic surgery (which I can't afford) there's not much I can do about that. The thing too is that I don't want a "hot" guy, just an average one (I believe myself to be in that range), and most guys who hit on me are well below average IMO, not only in looks but other aspects as well.

 

OP, I think your looks have much less to do with it than your attitude about your looks. If you've already convinced yourself that the kind of men you find attractive aren't attracted to you, then you're essentially walking around with an invisible "don't talk to me" sign. You can't already have said someone's "no" for them, that's shooting yourself in the foot.

 

This mindset is not easy to change (I know, I do it too sometimes), but that's the root of your issue (I think). And yeah, getting attention from men you don't want does not preclude you from going out and trying to get the attention of men you do want. The two don't really have anything to do with each other.

[katiegrl]

Plus, this is not some hot, smooth successful player we are talking about, she said he was *average* at best.

 

So the chances of an average guy rejecting a chick because he only wanted a cheap hookup is really far fetched IMO.

 

But again, you could be right too!!!!

 

We just don't have enough info here to know for sure that's all.

 

Jmo!

[truth_seeker]

Plus, this is not some hot, smooth successful player we are talking about, she said he was *average* at best.

 

So the chances of an average guy rejecting a chick because he only wanted a cheap hookup is really far fetched IMO.

 

But again, you could be right too!!!!

 

We just don't have enough info here to know for sure that's all.

 

Jmo!

 

I read both your posts... you could be right. None of us were there. My opinion stems from guys I used to hang out with and those are lines, tactics they would use on girls at bars.

[truth_seeker]

OP - can you upload a pic of yourself? I'm just curious as you keep stating things about your looks. If we see a pic we can tell you the truth, ways to help you.

 

I hope I don't get in trouble from the moderator