Letting go....

[HeavyHeart15]

Please someone tell me how to let go! To get to a place of indifference, to stop playing the words he said, the way he treated me in my head every single day! It's been 10 months, I feel stuck in a never ending loop.

 

Help me to let go of the fact that he is now living with the woman he cheated and had an affair with. How are they able to live in and sleep in the same bed that we shared for the last 10 years? To live surrounded by the things that were gifts from family, the things we picked out together, everything that made up our life? It hurts.

 

He is not the man I married. He lied to me, disrespected me, cheated on me all the while not saying a word about his unhappiness. He looked me in the eyes and told me he loved me, that he didn't want to lose me. How could he just stop loving me and throw our marriage away without even trying so easily? It was my life too, he got what he wanted. He's happy and I'm in pain.

 

What did I expect? I initiated the separation, I filed for divorce. I had to, I had to show him that I had strength and self respect. That what he did was wrong and unacceptable. He was relieved more than anything. He didn't have to lift a finger. He just moved on without skipping a beat. He basically replaced me with her.

 

I need to accept that he obviously loves her. He has moved on. He has not said a word to me since I left, how can someone be so cruel, we spent half our lives together. I'll never get the answers....will he face himself? I don't know, I need to let go! Please someone help me!

[makemineamac]

I know there will be others that will come along and help you.

 

Having said that, I've sort of been where you are. It happened to me a long time ago and they are still together with 3 kids 10 years later.

 

I was devastated that this could happen to me as well, and I couldn't understand who this personI loved so much had turned into.I still don't.

 

Like you, I spent a lot of time needlessly pouring energy into trying to figure out why she didn't tell me she was unhappy. We always want to understand why someone could hurt us like this.

 

What was eventually knocked into my head, by others on a site like this one, was that I needed to let it go. I never got the answers I wanted and I never really had to interact with this terrible person again apart from a work project.

 

So, sometimes you will never be able to figure out why.

 

What you need to be doing now more than ever is coming to a level of acceptance of this, that this is not the person you knew, he is someone else now and is looking after his wants and needs.

 

You need to do the same.

 

You can't wait for him to have a moment of reckoning or regret. It sucks, but it's not likely going to happen.

 

You've let him have it all, and have made it easy for him. Is there anything you need to get out of the house or anything? Now's the time.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. There is nothing worse. The mental anguish is brutal, but you need to turn a corner now and love and take care of yourself.

 

We'll help as best we can, there are amazing people here that have far more valuable advice than I. We're listening.

[chew123]

Heavy heart,

 

i understand how you feel. My dday was 14 months ago after 35 years together. I too gave my wife everything she wanted and divorced her quickly. She is still with her affair partner, sleeping in my old bed, eating at my parents old dining room table, surrounded by the trappings of our life together. Honestly, no person who has any integrity can pull that off.

 

I have let go to a great extent though. The 180 that is mentioned here often has been very helpful. Counseling got me through the early stages also. Working out, improving myself, working on any aspects of my life that needed improvement have all greatly helped me to move forward.

 

Spend time with good friends. Make new friends. Don't think about dating yet, its too soon in my opinion. If you have children spend as much time with them as you can, they likely need you more now also. Rediscover your passion. You were someone before him, find that person again.

 

I know a lot of this sounds trivial but it really helps. I still think about my ex often and how she kind of just threw me away without a thought. But really, I don't want to be with someone who does not want me anyway. We are free now to find an authentic relationship with someone new in the future. That is an exciting thought.

 

So follow some of the ideas above. I know you will still think about them often, but the sting will fade with time and as you begin building your new life.

 

14 months in and I am enjoying my new life immensely. I haven't forgotten what happened, but I have let her go. And I definitely have relapses but they are shortlived and not very painful. You will get there. Start working on your new life and the old one will fade.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you both so much for your replies!

 

We don't have any children. We tried to make that happen for the last 5 years but it didn't happen for us. He watched me endure the worst possible emotional devastation and physical pain of infertility treatments and testing. On the day before I left, he said that he didn't feel the same about me for the last 5 years. How cruel to let me go through that with no intention of staying. He said he felt sick around me from pretending and couldn't force something he didn't feel. So why tell me you love me and be so afraid of losing me because of what he had done? I don't understand.

 

I realize that I made this easy for him. I gave him what he wanted. What else was I supposed to do? He didn't love me or care about me anymore. If I were to stay I would be fighting a losing battle all by myself.

 

I forgave him. He gave me the impression that he wanted to move forward together and suddenly he didn't want to anymore. Maybe he's meant to be with her but why was it at my expense, why did he have to lie to me and betray me in the worst way possible.

 

I know all of the things that I need to do now. I know that I need to focus on myself and move forward, to create a new life for myself. I need to get over the need to know that he feels remorse, that he regrets what he's done.

Edited December 11, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[luck1978]

You have been treated really badly - the same as many of us in here. You need techniques to change your mindest to help you through.

 

First of all I think you have to ask yourself do you ever really want to be with someone who could not communicate with you their feelings and lied to you for so long - the answer as you know is of course no. You are the person who has kept their diginity and walked away with your head held high and you still have your self respect. You need to do your best to cut this situation out of your life and remember you did nothing wrong and leave them in their own mess. You may have invested a lot of time and effort but that is because you were a person thinking you were in a supportive relationship, now you know differently. Luckily you have got away from this person. Look to the future and remember you now have a new life away from all of the lies and toxic bull**** - breath freely ;-) and be positive. Being positive is the only way to heal, as being too angry for too long only causes more stress and ends up making you take steps backwards from healing. Screw his remorse, you don't need it!

[makemineamac]

One line I always remember, and it gets repeated here a lot is:

 

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them!"

 

I also have to say, what a jerk! What kind of person would say that about the last 5 years?

 

And as luck1978 says, you wouldn't really want to be a life partner with someone like this. Right? Of course not.

 

I know I mentioned it above, but right now he has all the control and maybe some of your things.

 

Is there anything there that is still yours furniture, any sort of belongings, or did you take everything when you left? Do you own the home together or is it his?

 

It's time for you to take some control back.

 

I can assure you this loser - sorry, but he is - is not going to come around and express regret for his actions. As hard as it might be to hear be glad you're done with him.

 

He has treated you with such a lack of love, care, trust and respect, I really hope someday he gets some sort of karma payback. I really do.

 

Let's worry about you now instead.

[LostOnes05]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. The thing about people like this is they are never satisfied. Another thing is that you can't build a relationship without trust, and how could you trust someone who cheated with you? Short answer is that they'll be fine for a while but when those issues of trust rear their ugly head, the relationship will end. Be angry...but be strong. Take every day as a day to heal yourself. Be grateful that you don't have children with him that would tie you together for life.

 

I'm a guy in my late 20's, but the more I interact with women who do this exact thing the less I feel that marriage is in my future. I can commiserate because in my very first relationship, which was supposed to be heading toward marriage, I was cheated on...and quite possibly at the worst time in my life (family deaths, etc.). Did she care? Nope. She only cared about having fun. Did she care when I was the one helping her? Probably, maybe. I used to take it to heart when people said "I love you". It used to mean something to me when it came from someone. Now especially after the most recent incident I had, I've come to realize that those words mean absolutely nothing. I've come to realize that you can't change/control how someone feels toward you. But you can control what you do with the knowledge you now have of that person. In both situations, I had to make a conscious choice to let them go. I acknowledged that they were selfish, manipulative, lairs, and attention seeking...characteristics I do not want in a potential gf/wife. It's all about actions...don't tell me you love me, show me. Your ex showed his true character and understand that is not a reflection of your worth, but of his. Through all of this the most important lesson I learned is that "I love me". So when someone tries to hurt me with purpose, I get pissed but I let them go for my own good. Holding on to people like that is like trying to save a finger while the rest of the arm festers.

 

Although it hurts like hell now, in time you'll feel indifferent toward your ex. I wish you the best and stay strong!

[HeavyHeart15]

Thank you for your responses, I appreciate your words.

 

I am praying for the strength to let go. It's hard to see beyond the immense pain I feel. I will never forget the anger in his voice, the disrespect and disregard in his actions. I will never forgive him for the years of my life he took from me. Years I could have healed and met someone else in. Instead I spent them with a cruel selfish human being that was pretending until he found someone better. He gets to move on and eventually will have the family I've always wanted with him while my time to make that happen is running out. He ripped life as I knew it from my hands and gave it to her. Its disgustingly unfair. I hate him.

Edited December 13, 2015 by HeavyHeart15

[oldshirt]

 

 

He is not the man I married.

 

 

 

 

I initiated the separation, I filed for divorce. I had to, I had to show him that I had strength and self respect. That what he did was wrong and unacceptable.

 

 

 

 

 

You did the right thing. You did you what you had to do. Your survival depended on you cutting off the infected, rotting limb before it poisoned your system and killed you.

 

 

Maybe a better analogy is a fighter pilot who's plane is getting shot down. The plane is burning and spiraling to the ground. Your only chance for survival is pulling the ejection handle and bailing out. I may suck watching the plane spiraling to the ground with smoke and flames streaming out of it until it explodes into a big fireball as it hits the ground. But it's better to watch it from a distance and be out of it than to burn up inside it.

 

 

You will recover from this and you will move on and lead a good life shortly. You're just watching your plane burning at the moment.

 

 

You had to do what you had to do and anyone that has an ounce of brains knows it.

 

 

The whole thing may suck donkey dck now but some day soon you are going to look back and pat yourself on the back for doing what needed to be done.

 

 

In time you will realize he is an azz and that getting away from him was a good thing.

 

 

And it won't be too long before you realize pulling the ejection handle was actually your finest hour.

[oldshirt]

as a side note, you need to send your story into "Chump Lady". They will have a field day with that and many will have similar and even worse stories as well as some good advice for putting it behind you and moving forward.