Wtf is wrong with me?

[nom_de_plume]

I've been with my spouse for 10 years and we generally have a good relationship. He's a good man - hardworking, intelligent, optimistic. He has his personality quirks like we all do - pretty lazy outside of work, talks to much, has put on weight that makes him really unattractive me. Sometimes, I find that I'm really happy with him and so lucky. And other times, I'm just disgusted by him and feel suffocated. And I often ask myself if I really love him and can't say that I do. I think I'm just afraid of being alone as he's pretty much my only social support. Why can't I appreciate having a good man in my life? Why do I always feel like sabotaging it? On those days, I withdraw and keep my distance - physically and emotionally. I try to imagine what it would be like to leave, to make decisions for myself and not have to worry about the other person. Any insight into this stupid way of thinking would be much appreciated.

[Clockwork]

It helps to be honest with him, because either he has no clue you feel this way or he has the same feelings. Either way, get it out in the open. Find ways to spice things up. You might be falling into the trap of thinking the grass is greener on the other side. It usually isn't most of the time. We just think it is because someone else is watering it.

 

 

Ask yourself what made you love him 10 years ago and build on that.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Do you have abandonment issues at all? People who deal with abandonment usually try and sabotage their relationships. Do you pull away for no reason, or do you feel things are just going too good for you and you know it wont last so you sabotage it yourself so to avoid the pain of being left again? You do the leaving type thing?

 

Im very interested in this thread. I hope you can find the answers you are looking for.

[nom_de_plume]

I had a tough childhood and suffered abuse at the hands of the people who were supposed to love me so I guess being betrayed by them is a form of abandonment. I'm also and introvert and have been struggling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I married my husband young, while still in college, in hopes that he would save me from my life. That didn't happen and I ended up not living up to my to my potential - self-sabotage in my opinion. I married someone knowing full well I couldn't live out certain dreams. There have been other forms of self-sabotage over the years and here I am, 10 years later, living a life I don't like in a boring marriage. Usually, I just go with the flow but there are times when I meet someone whom I really find intriguing and the only thing I can think about is this person. I've become so bored and relaxed in my relationship that this new infatuation becomes exciting and tormenting at the same time. I've never acted on these feelings because I don't want to hurt my husband. He's so loyal and devoted and loves me more than life itself and I feel like I can't reciprocate. It's not fair to him. I can't say I never loved him, because I did. But this was a young love, not based on reality. Now that I'm older and wiser, I realize it was a mistake and I acted impulsively. But I just want to go back to those happy moments when I can't imagine my life without him. That's the easiest option for all considered.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Another common trait of abandonment issues is falling for others very quickly. You might read up on it. Nobody can save you but yourself btw. Its a hard lesson to learn also when you start falling for others just because they gave you a little attention. Because the joy that they bring you. Its easy to think "this person is making me happy" but that just isnt the case at all. But it is very easy to think that your happiness is caused by another. Reality is that only you can provide your own happiness in life. It is nobody's burden but your own. And to expect another person to provide you with happiness is not only unreasonable, its unfair to them to have that expectation.

[Popsicle]

You feel that way because marriage IS suffocating. lol

[nom_de_plume]

Another common trait of abandonment issues is falling for others very quickly. You might read up on it. Nobody can save you but yourself btw. Its a hard lesson to learn also when you start falling for others just because they gave you a little attention. Because the joy that they bring you. Its easy to think "this person is making me happy" but that just isnt the case at all. But it is very easy to think that your happiness is caused by another. Reality is that only you can provide your own happiness in life. It is nobody's burden but your own. And to expect another person to provide you with happiness is not only unreasonable, its unfair to them to have that expectation.

 

Thank you for this. I never thought about abandonment. I will have to look into this. What's weird is I'm so independent and I hate having to rely on others for help and never even ask for it but maybe that's why. I don't want to feel let down.

[nom_de_plume]

You feel that way because marriage IS suffocating. lol

 

Yes, there's a lot of truth to this. It requires so much work. If anything happens to my marriage, I've already decided I'm not getting married again. I'll go as far as living with someone but with boundaries and a sense of independence.

[Just a Guy]

Hi nom- de- plume, whatever else you do just do your poor husband a favour and release him so that he can find some one who really appreciated him and loves him for himself. It is apparent that you are too self absorbed and self interested to provide him that love and affection.

Also I would suggest that you get your self to a counsellor or psychiatrist who will help you heal from the effects of your childhood trauma so that you can approximate normality as a person again. Hope this helps

Cheers"

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Thank you for this. I never thought about abandonment. I will have to look into this. What's weird is I'm so independent and I hate having to rely on others for help and never even ask for it but maybe that's why. I don't want to feel let down.

 

Its like reading about myself. Funny how you can see your own faults in others but its hard to see them in yourself.

 

I try to do everything on my own. I never ask for help either. Do you feel you are important enough to ask others to take their time for you when you need help?

[Poppygoodwill]

That's the thing: not asking for help can be a huge sign of feeling vulnerable and unworthy. A person does everything themselves because they're afraid that if they ask for help, they'll be turned down and that will hurt and be some sort of judgement on them. I used to feel that way. Consquently, I usually didn't offer to help others either; I just kept to myself. It all started to change when I realized I wanted to be able to rely on others and ask for help, but that first I must be willing to give it. So I started working on that, and slowly slowly, I've worked my way out of that mindset. It's about believing you're worth someones time and trouble.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

That's the thing: not asking for help can be a huge sign of feeling vulnerable and unworthy. A person does everything themselves because they're afraid that if they ask for help, they'll be turned down and that will hurt and be some sort of judgement on them. I used to feel that way. Consquently, I usually didn't offer to help others either; I just kept to myself. It all started to change when I realized I wanted to be able to rely on others and ask for help, but that first I must be willing to give it. So I started working on that, and slowly slowly, I've worked my way out of that mindset. It's about believing you're worth someones time and trouble.

 

I always bend over backwards to help others. I will go out of my way to help people even when they don't ask for it. Then when an opportunity for me to be helped comes up, I refuse to ask for it. Then have these feelings like I'm not worth anyone's time. That's why they don't notice me struggling in the first place and offer help as i do for others. Certainly not good for yoyr self esteem. But i do it to myself constantly.

 

Sound familiar OP? Or do you see yourself more like poppy?

[nom_de_plume]

Hi nom- de- plume, whatever else you do just do your poor husband a favour and release him so that he can find some one who really appreciated him and loves him for himself. It is apparent that you are too self absorbed and self interested to provide him that love and affection.

Also I would suggest that you get your self to a counsellor or psychiatrist who will help you heal from the effects of your childhood trauma so that you can approximate normality as a person again. Hope this helps

Cheers"

 

I'm not holding him back. He's free to go anytime. We've had this discussion before, usually in the context of my depression. I've told him that he needs to just leave me but he won't. He's just too loyal. I would have to do something like cheat on him to get him to leave me. I think because of my childhood, I'm incapable of truly loving someone. My brother is the same way. We're so different but we struggle with the same issues and I've come to the conclusion that neither one of us will never know how to love and just be happy.

[nom_de_plume]

Its like reading about myself. Funny how you can see your own faults in others but its hard to see them in yourself.

 

I try to do everything on my own. I never ask for help either. Do you feel you are important enough to ask others to take their time for you when you need help?

 

I don't feel important period. I've never been good at asking for help - even as a kid. I'm just a solitary person I guess.

[nom_de_plume]

I always bend over backwards to help others. I will go out of my way to help people even when they don't ask for it. Then when an opportunity for me to be helped comes up, I refuse to ask for it. Then have these feelings like I'm not worth anyone's time. That's why they don't notice me struggling in the first place and offer help as i do for others. Certainly not good for yoyr self esteem. But i do it to myself constantly.

 

Sound familiar OP? Or do you see yourself more like poppy?

 

More like you, actually. I have no problem helping others, whether they ask for it or not (my parents being the exception but that's another issue because even the help that I do provide comes with criticism and it never seems to be enough). There is definitely a fear of rejection when it comes to asking for help but at the same time, I don't feel worthless when I don't. I just like to do things on my own and not a big fan of showing my vulnerabilities.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I'm not holding him back. He's free to go anytime. We've had this discussion before, usually in the context of my depression. I've told him that he needs to just leave me but he won't. He's just too loyal. I would have to do something like cheat on him to get him to leave me. I think because of my childhood, I'm incapable of truly loving someone. My brother is the same way. We're so different but we struggle with the same issues and I've come to the conclusion that neither one of us will never know how to love and just be happy.

 

Well... You cant really ever love someone else if you dont love yourself. Its never too late to get help. It started with me asking questions here for help. Now im looking at my first individual counseling session ever starting in a little over a week. I think ive pinpointed my troubles pretty well.... Strangly enough by asking for help, which I never do... And here you are asking for help. People WILL help you. I dont even know you, yet here I am offering what little i know in hopes of helping you. Its nearly impossible for me to accept my own self worth, but im finally at 32 years old putting up a fight. You can too! Loads of of people will be in yor corner. Even those of us who dont know you at all. I still know how you feel, and I wish to help in any way i can. Even if its just helping you pinpoint your issues, its a start. You have to start somewhere.

[nom_de_plume]

Thank you for your help, T. I really appreciate it and will look into some of the things you mentioned. My husband wants me to see a therapist so I can talk to someone about it. I'm not ready for that step yet (done it before and it was pure hell). But I live the anonymity of this forum. I feel more comfortable reaching out to complete strangers that to those within arms length.