processing & moving forward

[Lexa]

Hi all,

 

I'm a young woman who, I suppose, had an emotional A with a MM for a couple months - though I doubt he would identify it as such.

 

Details:

 

-We work together

-He's much older but under 40

-Newly married

-This mostly took place via text, giving it that fantasy-only quality

-After he got married, we crossed the line (all the way) physically. This was only one time, and we had been drinking.

 

For some reason, I'm intensely infatuated and intimidated by this man. Every time I see him a jolt goes through me that makes me tremble. I don't necessarily attribute this to him as a person, more the tension between us and the situation. Logically, he isn't someone I'd even want to be with - but the physiological reaction is so visceral that I can't ignore it.

 

The texting became more platonic and less frequent once he realized how much I was feeling. I felt rejected and missed the closeness, even if it was fantasy-based.

 

I felt so easily bruised by the slightest thing he would do or not do. Because of this, we mutually decided to cut contact for a little while. He was adamant about wanting to be friends eventually -- why is this? And how could I go about doing this? I feel stuck in obsession over him and lost on what to do next.

 

Neither of us wants to pursue an A but we both want a friendship. But I'm not sure what that friendship would look like, especially after I leave the company (I plan to for reasons unrelated to him). If you asked me what I want out of this situation, or what question I'm even asking here... I don't know if I could give an honest answer!

 

Any insight appreciated. Please be gentle, though; I've already villainized him and berated myself enough.

[casey.lives]

He's married. nothing else matters. Move on

[Krashi]

You should inform his wife, so she can make an informed decision about staying married.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't love, it's unhealthy crush sexual feelings that are dangerous and damaging to you. He's older and married, new or not he is NOT available. He's acting very inappropriately. If his wife finds out, the shi.t will hit the fan!

 

He knows better and that's why he has distanced himself from you because of your feelings for him.

 

You're young and as exciting as he makes you feel, this man has the potential to really mess you up emotionally. If this blows up he'll look like the innocent one and he'll paint you as the obsessed one with a bad crush on him, he'll downplay it all and say she knew I was married and chased me. And sadly your reputation will be more at risk than his - many in society, especially at the work place seem to blame the OW since she knowingly got involved with a MM.

 

Please really think about what it is you're wanting from him. He's not going to leave his wife for you, be your boyfriend or marry you. He isn't in love with you..You are feeding his ego big time. Yes he probably really likes you but for the wrong reasons. Reasons that will eventually hurt you and mess you up.

[Lexa]

Thank you for the thoughtful, measured response. We have been NC for over a month (technically LC because of work) and it hasn't been too bad.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Lexa

[Brokenlady]

That "jolt" of intensity you describe is a huge red flag. I had it too with my xH he was my MM prior to being my H). And if you spend enough time reading about unhealthy relationships, you'll see how often a similar description comes up. Particularly among very dangerous (emotionally or otherwise) men. That obsessiveness you feel is a symptom of it too. Of course he wants to be friends, but not for the same reason you do. He knows he can manipulate you and have you and the wife. He wants to keep you close for his own purposes and I can promise you they have nothing to do with just frirndship. Second, a guy who will cheat on a brand new bride is a special kind of guy with no shame. That's also a really big waving flag. He has an agenda, and it sure isn't honoring his marriage. If you want to save yourself a universe of pain that I promise he's holding for you, cut off all contact for good.

[Lexa]

Thanks for the insight. Do you have any threads to link me to with your experience? I'm curious as to what happened.

 

How could he manipulate me if neither of us wants an A? What would be the ulterior motive? (Not trying to contest what you're saying, just wondering).

[Brokenlady]

Thanks for the insight. Do you have any threads to link me to with your experience? I'm curious as to what happened.

 

How could he manipulate me if neither of us wants an A? What would be the ulterior motive? (Not trying to contest what you're saying, just wondering).

 

He's lying. He absolutely does want an affair. He needs you to believe that he doesn't.

[FusionCutter]

Advice?

 

End it. It will only end in disaster if you continue.

[beach]

He's lying. He absolutely does want an affair. He needs you to believe that he doesn't.

 

This is true. He moved you into a lesser position because you may have become more attached and threatened to tell his wife.

 

As long as you weren't "risky" he slept with you.

 

When you started to have stronger feelings - he cut contact down. He is skilled at cheating.

 

Putting you in the quiet corner made this less risky.

 

So as long as you expect nothing- he will continue.

 

I hope you want more from a man you see.

 

This guy is not offering you anything except sex. Friendship isn't possible because he's not a friend. Friends don't act this way.

 

Don't allow him to use you further. You deserve much better than what he's offered.

[Lois_Griffin]

Hi all,

 

I'm a young woman who, I suppose, had an emotional A with a MM for a couple months - though I doubt he would identify it as such.

 

Details:

 

-We work together

-He's much older but under 40

-Newly married

-This mostly took place via text, giving it that fantasy-only quality

-After he got married, we crossed the line (all the way) physically. This was only one time, and we had been drinking.

 

For some reason, I'm intensely infatuated and intimidated by this man. Every time I see him a jolt goes through me that makes me tremble. I don't necessarily attribute this to him as a person, more the tension between us and the situation. Logically, he isn't someone I'd even want to be with - but the physiological reaction is so visceral that I can't ignore it.

 

The texting became more platonic and less frequent once he realized how much I was feeling. I felt rejected and missed the closeness, even if it was fantasy-based.

 

I felt so easily bruised by the slightest thing he would do or not do. Because of this, we mutually decided to cut contact for a little while. He was adamant about wanting to be friends eventually -- why is this? And how could I go about doing this? I feel stuck in obsession over him and lost on what to do next.

 

Neither of us wants to pursue an A but we both want a friendship. But I'm not sure what that friendship would look like, especially after I leave the company (I plan to for reasons unrelated to him). If you asked me what I want out of this situation, or what question I'm even asking here... I don't know if I could give an honest answer!

 

Any insight appreciated. Please be gentle, though; I've already villainized him and berated myself enough.

 

So basically, he was 'all in' and got what he wanted - until you started becoming attached.

 

Then suddenly, the risk was no longer worth the reward for him and the backpedaling began in earnest.

 

Got it.

 

Had you been happy to just be his bit on the side and keep the sex coming without the attachment, he would have been happy to use you 'til the cows came home. He doesn't want 'feelings' from you and he doesn't want a girlfriend. He just wants sex without the bullsh*t while he plays happy newlywed husband at home. What a guy.

 

And you want to be friends with someone this despicable because....why?

[Lois_Griffin]

As long as you weren't "risky" he slept with you.

 

When you started to have stronger feelings - he cut contact down. He is skilled at cheating.

 

Putting you in the quiet corner made this less risky.

This was EXACTLY what I meant when I said the risk was no longer worth the reward for him so he backed off.

[anika99]

That "jolt" of intensity you describe is a huge red flag. I had it too with my xH he was my MM prior to being my H). And if you spend enough time reading about unhealthy relationships, you'll see how often a similar description comes up. Particularly among very dangerous (emotionally or otherwise) men. That obsessiveness you feel is a symptom of it too. Of course he wants to be friends, but not for the same reason you do. He knows he can manipulate you and have you and the wife. He wants to keep you close for his own purposes and I can promise you they have nothing to do with just frirndship. Second, a guy who will cheat on a brand new bride is a special kind of guy with no shame. That's also a really big waving flag. He has an agenda, and it sure isn't honoring his marriage. If you want to save yourself a universe of pain that I promise he's holding for you, cut off all contact for good.

 

This so very true Brokenlady. I experienced that electrifying intensity with only one man in my whole life. He wasn't married but he was an emotional disaster. I thought our relationship was fated by the universe because of the incredible connection I felt and the unrelenting chemistry. He was horrible for me and it was the worst emotional roller coaster I had ever been on.

 

Similarly I have watched others go through this. One day they're telling you that they have just met the most amazing person and that they are feeling a chemistry like they have never felt before. They are walking on air and completely ignoring all of the warning signs everyone can plainly see. Next thing you know they are destroyed, a shell of the person they used to be, and it can take a long time to recover. Personality disordered people tend to be extremely engaging and people often feel a spark with them. Be wary of anyone who throws you off balance and causes you to behave in ways you normally wouldn't.

[Lexa]

He's lying. He absolutely does want an affair. He needs you to believe that he doesn't.

 

So friendship is just a door open for sex? EA? Both? Did this happen to you?

 

I am already out the door of this, I just need to make sure it stays shut.

[minimariah]

Neither of us wants to pursue an A but we both want a friendship.

 

not possible.

 

if you decide to pursue a friendship with him, it WILL end as an affair - so the smartest thing is to cut off all contact & move on. everything else is pure delusion, let's be honest.

 

also -- if i understood correctly, he backed off once he realized you were starting to feel a lot... which means that he either sees you as an (emotional) booty call OR he doesn't really want to end the marriage so he "removed" the danger.

 

why is he amandmant about you being friends...? many possible reasons. could be because he does feel something for you but at the same time doesn't want to end his marriage (he JUST got married, after all), so he broke off the affair BUT wants to keep you in his life. OR he sees you as someone who fills some kind of void and makes his life (and possibly marriage) bearable. or he likes the ego boost & wants to keep you around.

 

either way - you're already suffering because of it. you're leaving and i think that's your exit sign & you should most definitely go that route.

[minimariah]

How could he manipulate me if neither of us wants an A? What would be the ulterior motive? (Not trying to contest what you're saying, just wondering).

 

how do you know that he's telling the truth when he says that he doesn't want an affair? not to mention that you already DID have an affair.

 

he had an EA with you, had sex with you and absolutely wants to stay friends - does that look or sound like a man who doesn't want an affair to you?

 

also - beware of those folks who manipulate you with TRUTH. it happens a lot and it's hard to detect.

[Lexa]

He wouldn't have identified it as an EA, though, which is interesting... where's the line between friendship and an A?

 

Thanks for the responses everyone. This may be just the push I need to really see things clearly.

[minimariah]

He wouldn't have identified it as an EA, though, which is interesting... where's the line between friendship and an A?

 

i find this interesting, too - your affair wasn't an EA; it was a PA.

 

you had sex... or at least made out, if i understood correctly? yet you seem to focus on the EA while he seems to ignore that it was an affair altogether.

 

i mean... do friends have sex? did you meet his wife...? if not - why not? don't friends meet each other's spouses? does he keep your relationship a secret from his wife, did his tell his wife about your ONS together? if not - why not? you're friends... right?

 

if you were married and if your husband had sex with another woman or made out to her - would you be okay with that woman being his friend? would you view her as your husband's friend?

 

where is the line between friendship and an A? romantic feelings + sex. pretty simple. him telling you that you're just really close friends and how it really WASN'T an affair is a very obvious manipulation. like someone said, he needs you to believe that so you'd continue with the charade.

Edited December 12, 2015 by minimariah

[Brokenlady]

So friendship is just a door open for sex? EA? Both? Did this happen to you?

 

I am already out the door of this, I just need to make sure it stays shut.

 

The desire to keep you in his life, in any capacity is a way to fill a void for him. It allows him to stay in his "safe" marriage and have the deeper connection he wants but can't get with his wife. Whether that ends up in sex or not isn't a meaningful distinction - it's a way to keep you emotionally engaged and it will destroy you if you keep him in your life. I'm going to guess that you're a relatively successful strong woman and his wife is not. You're a challenge. Breaking you down feeds his ego.

 

Yes it happened to me. My xH was my MM. I was his void filler and after 2 years his left his wife and we eventually got married. Funny thing, we just switched roles. His xW became the emotional OW bc he still wanted the "safety" (would put up with anything) and would not let it go. He was never and will never be someone who can function with only one woman. Case in point? Two years after our divorce he is living with a carbon copy of his first xW and trying to engage me to be his OW again. Guys like this -there are always other women and there always will be. They are hazardous.

[minimariah]

The texting became more platonic and less frequent once he realized how much I was feeling. I felt rejected and missed the closeness, even if it was fantasy-based.

 

i'm interesting in this part -- did you tell him how you feel? how did he realize that you were feeling a lot...? also, did he started breaking off contact (minimazing it) & who pulled the plug first?

 

also - is this his first marriage?

[minimariah]

The desire to keep you in his life, in any capacity is a way to fill a void for him.

 

^^

 

many stabilizer affairs out there - it makes MM's life bearable, especially if the marriage is all they want but there is "just" that "small" thing missing... and there comes the OW.

 

it's also interesting that he had sex with the OP only AFTER he was married - until then, it was an EA.

[burnt]

For some reason, I'm intensely infatuated and intimidated by this man. Every time I see him a jolt goes through me that makes me tremble. I don't necessarily attribute this to him as a person, more the tension between us and the situation. Logically, he isn't someone I'd even want to be with - but the physiological reaction is so visceral that I can't ignore it.

 

The texting became more platonic and less frequent once he realized how much I was feeling. I felt rejected and missed the closeness, even if it was fantasy-based.

 

I felt so easily bruised by the slightest thing he would do or not do.

 

I feel stuck in obsession over him and lost on what to do next.

 

Been in your shoes (former OW myself).

More than anything else, your line "I felt so easily bruised by the slightest thing he would do or not do" resonates with me painfully.

 

And it's because of that, if you stay in any contact with him, no matter what form it's in, one way or another your pain will be reawakened by everything he says or doesn't say.

 

If you don't go into absolute NC (as soon as you leave your job), you only risk to prolong your own pain.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Hope you move past it soon and start to heal.

[Brokenlady]

^^

 

many stabilizer affairs out there - it makes MM's life bearable, especially if the marriage is all they want but there is "just" that "small" thing missing... and there comes the OW.

 

it's also interesting that he had sex with the OP only AFTER he was married - until then, it was an EA.

 

If you still doubt this consider this - my xH told me to my face that if I had allowed him to continue to have it both ways, he absolutely would have done so. It's obvious, really. Who wouldn't want to have it all and avoid consequences for crappy behavior?

[Lexa]

Well it's kind of an odd situation, I don't want this post to be identifiable so I won't be too specific. I noticed (before we became involved) that throughout his engagement he would basically bad-mouth her, and compliment other women. It was subtle enough that no one else seemed to think anything was off.

 

It's his first marriage, but they have been together on and off for I think 10 or so years and have known each other much longer than that. I think he's a compulsive liar also. A lot of his stories either don't add up, or just are blatant exaggerations/lies (that I believed before LC has cleared up the fog).

 

I don't have a lot of respect for him as a person because of this. It started as a sexual/crush thing for me and I thought I could handle it without developing deeper feelings.

[minimariah]

It started as a sexual/crush thing for me and I thought I could handle it without developing deeper feelings.

 

why did you develop deeper feelings? you mention strong sexual attraction... but is there more to it? like, what are some of this character traits that attract you?

 

can you maybe detect directly what was it that made you develop those feelings or is on the "i can't explain it but he still found his way under my skin" level?

 

also - one more question... you said that he