processing & moving forward

[Lexa]

told me to my face that if I had allowed him to continue to have it both ways, he absolutely would have done so.

 

Wow. Was this when you were the OW, or when you were the W? I can't believe he flipped the roles between you two?!

Did he lie/try to hide at least for awhile or was it just out in the open?

[minimariah]

also - one more question... you said that he

 

time for editing expired, sorry - you said he was on and off with his wife... did he had other women previously, other affairs, close friendships with women...?

[AlwaysGrowing]

You are reading WAY too much into the MM "let's stay friends" comment.

 

You are co-workers. What else could he say? Anything more direct could be deemed a hostile work environment.

 

You are changing jobs...correct?

 

Then...stay civil/work mode only...until you move on to your new job.

 

The rest will take care of itself.

 

Do you recall that line in The Silence of the Lambs...from Hannibal?

 

What do we covet the most? That which we see each day. (Or something along those lines).

[Lexa]

Why I developed deeper feelings - well I already had a crush. It was sexuality, intelligence, professionalism, well-spoken, obscure interests, even-tempered. And once we started texting it went from admiration to having a deeper connection/finding out it was mutual.

 

As far as him and his wife being on and off -- I think their issues were mostly unrelated to other women, but she does "know how he is," type thing.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Lexa

[Brokenlady]

Wow. Was this when you were the OW, or when you were the W? I can't believe he flipped the roles between you two?!

Did he lie/try to hide at least for awhile or was it just out in the open?

 

He was referring to my time as OW. But it doesn't really matter, does it? He would tell you now that he was never "in love" with anyone but me, and doesn't regret divorcing her, BUT, he also never felt 100% secure that I wouldn't leave him. That was for good reason of course. He seeks out women who will put up with the unbearable bc even I had my limits. Unfortunately the safe woman don't fill the void- they don't feed his ego. So he'll always require both kinds of women.

 

Of course he lied. He did nothing but lie. He'd promise me he'd stop crossing boundaries with her only to get caught again. Part of it was I think he enjoyed messing with her - he knew she desperately wanted him back and so he'd make her think he was interested and then yank it away again. (Ex: he'd tell her it bugged me that she'd call 35 times a day or that I didn't like him spending copious amounts of time in her house given that the kids were older teenagers. He'd tell her this to subtly convey he was betraying me, to encourage her, and start a cat fight of sorts to get his ego boost.)

[Lexa]

I'll add that I'm sure part of the attraction was also the situation.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Lexa

[Lexa]

He would tell you now that he was never "in love" with anyone but me, and doesn't regret divorcing her, BUT, he also never felt 100% secure that I wouldn't leave him. That was for good reason of course. He seeks out women who will put up with the unbearable bc even I had my limits. Unfortunately the safe woman don't fill the void- they don't feed his ego. So he'll always require both kinds of women.

 

So, you're very different from her? What is he up to now and what are you up to now? He sounds like a real piece of work, and how could ever truly be happy living that way?!

 

Did you begin as an OW similarly to how I did? Because to be honest I'm just trying to avoid getting myself into a mess like that. Like if I walk away forever now and don't look back, I've gotten out of this pretty easily when it could have been a disaster.

[minimariah]

Like if I walk away forever now and don't look back, I've gotten out of this pretty easily when it could have been a disaster.

 

what's stopping you...? what's making you REthink it?

 

okay, you feel something for him so it's not that easy to just cut it all off. that's understandable. but do you want anything more with this man? as in relationship of your own, do you want him to divorce?

 

can you imagine ANY kind of future with him?

 

brokenlady - your post reminded me of Picasso; he enjoyed it when women fought over him & he did the same thing your xH did... in fact, he drew energy from it, it was inspiring to him. MANY men love it.

[Lexa]

He inferred it from certain things I said, and that was when he scaled it all back/stopped flirting. He said it was partly out of trying to help me bc the feelings were unhealthy for me. I was the one to initiate NC.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Lexa

[Lexa]

minimariah, no, I don't want anything more.

[Brokenlady]

He inferred it from certain things I said, and that was when he scaled it all back/stopped flirting. He said it was partly out of trying to help me bc the feelings were unhealthy for me. I was the one to initiate NC.

 

Actually, it's a test to see how you'd respond. I love how a MM will spin it like they're doing you a favor.

[Brokenlady]

So, you're very different from her? What is he up to now and what are you up to now? He sounds like a real piece of work, and how could ever truly be happy living that way?!

 

Did you begin as an OW similarly to how I did? Because to be honest I'm just trying to avoid getting myself into a mess like that. Like if I walk away forever now and don't look back, I've gotten out of this pretty easily when it could have been a disaster.

 

Yes, we are very different. I am a strong, independent, driven type whereas the "safe" women he picks are unemployed or underemployed, very emotionally needy, unmotivated, dependent types that put him on a pedestal and give him constant admiration bc they feel so lucky he will even give them the time if day.

 

I met him through work. It was instant attraction. There was always a supernatural pull between us but nothing happened for the first few years.

[Brokenlady]

As far as how can he be happy that way? He obviously isn't. Because he isn't getting his way. But you have remember that he's not like you or I. His sense of worth draws from others pain. He cannot empathize and has no shame. He's broken. And he's always going to be.

[Lexa]

What would my response to it tell him? The level of threat that I pose?

 

Also: did you and him ever go from NC -> 'friends' -> re-initiated A?

Edited December 12, 2015 by Lexa

[Brokenlady]

What would my response to it tell him? The level of threat that I pose?

 

Also: did you and him ever go from NC -> 'friends' -> re-initiated A?

 

Your response tells him about how much you will tolerate/he can get away with. The more you let him get away with, the better he feels about himself.

 

Yes. Many many times.

[Lovemesomehim]

Hi all,

 

I'm a young woman who, I suppose, had an emotional A with a MM for a couple months - though I doubt he would identify it as such.

 

Details:

 

-We work together

-He's much older but under 40

-Newly married

-This mostly took place via text, giving it that fantasy-only quality

-After he got married, we crossed the line (all the way) physically. This was only one time, and we had been drinking.

 

For some reason, I'm intensely infatuated and intimidated by this man. Every time I see him a jolt goes through me that makes me tremble. I don't necessarily attribute this to him as a person, more the tension between us and the situation. Logically, he isn't someone I'd even want to be with - but the physiological reaction is so visceral that I can't ignore it.

 

The texting became more platonic and less frequent once he realized how much I was feeling. I felt rejected and missed the closeness, even if it was fantasy-based.

 

I felt so easily bruised by the slightest thing he would do or not do. Because of this, we mutually decided to cut contact for a little while. He was adamant about wanting to be friends eventually -- why is this? And how could I go about doing this? I feel stuck in obsession over him and lost on what to do next.

 

Neither of us wants to pursue an A but we both want a friendship. But I'm not sure what that friendship would look like, especially after I leave the company (I plan to for reasons unrelated to him). If you asked me what I want out of this situation, or what question I'm even asking here... I don't know if I could give an honest answer!

 

Any insight appreciated. Please be gentle, though; I've already villainized him and berated myself enough.

 

Do yourself a favor and leave this man alone for your sake and sanity.

[Lexa]

Been in your shoes (former OW myself).

More than anything else, your line "I felt so easily bruised by the slightest thing he would do or not do" resonates with me painfully.

 

And it's because of that, if you stay in any contact with him, no matter what form it's in, one way or another your pain will be reawakened by everything he says or doesn't say.

 

Guys, I am having a hard time at work today. If I feel like he's trying to avoid me or whatever it hurts and I have no one to turn to. And the emotions/questions just hit me and bring me down.. I'll be so relieved once I'm no longer working here... Any support from those who have to work with MM?

[Lovetoohard]

I will 1) never date anybody I work with; 2) never date a MM; AND 3) never date a MM I work with.

 

Seeing my ex MM around the office was excruciating. We worked in a really small group and there was no avoiding each other. I tried reverting back to friendly coworker mode but the small talk at the copy machine or coffee room was painful. So I resorted to avoiding him entirely - I was holed up in my office and forced myself to focus entirely on work, limited interaction with other coworkers by turning down group lunch invites, walked the long way to avoid walking past his office, etc. Even the sound of his voice down the hallway, a mere couple office doors from me, made me want to start crying. He was hurting as well, I could tell initially after I broke up with him, but he seemed to be ok a few weeks later (or at least he was putting on a show). To make matters worse, a coworker I confided in blabbed it to the whole office so everyone knew. I thankfully no longer work with him and the physical distance is helping with moving on. I didn't leave the job because of him, but if you can leave, you should for your own sake and sanity.

[Lexa]

I am so so sorry for your situation - i read your story. this is only a fraction of that, as it wasn't much of an actual relationship between us. I can't even imagine. Did your office have a policy against it? Did your reputations suffer? What was your last exchange with him?

 

My problem is that im not sure if anyone knows. And I can't ask. I feel deadlocked. But yes I was going to leave either way, it has to be the right job though (this is bearable).

[Lovetoohard]

I am so so sorry for your situation - i read your story. this is only a fraction of that, as it wasn't much of an actual relationship between us. I can't even imagine. Did your office have a policy against it? Did your reputations suffer? What was your last exchange with him?

 

My problem is that im not sure if anyone knows. And I can't ask. I feel deadlocked. But yes I was going to leave either way, it has to be the right job though (this is bearable).

 

There was no office policy against dating a coworker who was on the same level, however, if it had been a boss-subordinate scenario, it would've been messier in terms of answering questions about conflicts of interest, favoritism etc and one of us would have had to move into another department. I am positive that our reputations suffered - while nobody has grounds to object such a relationship as it was personal in nature and never impacted work adversely, I am sure a lot of people judged us on moral grounds. I take my regrets and use them as a learning experience and if there is one thing I could re-do if I had a chance to go back in time, I wish I never would've confided in a coworker about the A.

 

I broke up with MM close to 3 months ago - I thought I could prevent myself from getting emotionally attached but couldn't and I wanted more and he can't give me more and that's what I told him. Post breakup, we had LC (mostly work related stuff and some lingering nostalgia driven stuff) up until my last day on the job which was about a month ago. On my last day, I called him telling him that I got laid off and he comforted me and talked to me. I sent him a text a couple days after that telling him that it was wrong of me to lean on him and that I really appreciated how he was there for me and hoped he didn't resent me for hurting him (for breaking up with him abruptly and telling coworker), and wished him well with his personal and professional life - it was a goodbye text. He responded that he doesn't resent me and he would always be there for me and said we're all human and we make mistakes and he's made mistakes too. A week later, I saw a missed call from him but was asleep. Never returned the call. Another week and a half later, saw 3 missed calls. I returned his call because I thought something bad may have happened, only to find out he's blocked my number - not sure why. I emailed him saying I tried calling him back and if everything was ok and that I am here from him as a friend or for career advice if he needs me - that was 2 weeks ago. Haven't heard from him since then and I hope it stays that way.

 

Not sure if anyone knows in your case but don't try to ask. There are plenty of stories on LS with very similar beginnings as yours and they all end the same way. I hope you can leave your job because it's the best thing for both of you. You need a fresh start.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Lovetoohard