LDR- he won't commit for fear of getting "too close"

[Sweeetie]

I have been in a LDR for 2 months (first few weeks we were both living in the same town, then he moved away). He lives a 2-hour flight away from me. He flew to my town to visit me last weekend and we had a great time together.

 

He wants to continue seeing me, but he is still unsure about being in an official relationship with me because of the distance. We agreed to be exclusive, but he doesn't want us to be in an official relationship. We talked about it a lot this week and he clarified that he is "scared of us getting really close incase the distance makes it break down" but he "does not think that's a reason for us to stop seeing each other".

 

I told him that I can't just continue with this if he doesn't want us to get too close, to which he said "but we are really close already and I really like you!" He doesn't want to stop seeing me. It's hard because I do really like him.

 

Thoughts on this?

Edited December 11, 2015 by Sweeetie

[Scarlett.O'hara]

This perfect for him. He gets all the perks of a relationship without the effort. When he meets someone local which he will (that is why he isn't committing himself) he can dump you without the guilt, or worse, he won't tell you he is dating someone else and will keep seeing you on the side.

 

I don't see this ending well.

[hippychick3]

It's in your best interest to end things now and move on.

 

This will not work without his full commitment to you especially with that much distance. It's hard enough for it to work with 2 committed people in love...highly unlikely with a lukewarm guy who doesn't want to be in a relationship. It may be too early in the relationship to be in love, but he doesn't want to grow closer. Therefore, it's unlikely he will ever fall in love with you.

 

I see a lot of heartache for you if you continue. Move on.

[Els]

OP, you have posted a few threads about this guy already and the general consensus is that you should leave. If he 'can't decide' about you, the answer is really 'no', because nobody who is truly interested in you as a person will faff around about 'not being sure' that he wants to be in a R with you.

 

LDRs are an investment - they are a lot of time, money and effort for what would hopefully be an amazing R down the road. This one is more like pouring all of that down a well. Don't do it.

[Sweeetie]

These are my thoughts too but a point to make here is that he likes me enough to keep flying to visit me (I can't fly to him because of his living arrangements). And he keeps telling me that he wants us to carry on. Doesn't that make it a bit more encouraging?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Do you have sex with him? Sex without commitment or the pressure of seeing someone regularly might be very appealing for some people.

 

I should add that he might also enjoy your company but he isn't as emotionally invested in this as you are.

Edited December 12, 2015 by Scarlett.O'hara

[salparadise]

These are my thoughts too but a point to make here is that he likes me enough to keep flying to visit me (I can't fly to him because of his living arrangements). And he keeps telling me that he wants us to carry on. Doesn't that make it a bit more encouraging?

 

But the flying doesn't count for anything because he used air miles, and his no good cheap ass split the check... and now he doesn't want to call it an "official committed relationship." Let me guess... you're just going to lure him back one more time to tar and feather him, right?

[Els]

These are my thoughts too but a point to make here is that he likes me enough to keep flying to visit me (I can't fly to him because of his living arrangements). And he keeps telling me that he wants us to carry on. Doesn't that make it a bit more encouraging?

 

I don't think it's unreasonable to want both actions AND a fully-acknowledged relationship, as long as you are willing to reciprocate with that. It doesn't have to be either-or. I would certainly require both as the bare minimum.

 

FWIW I don't think he's a bad guy at all, he just isn't compatible with what you need.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have been in a LDR for 2 months (first few weeks we were both living in the same town, then he moved away). He lives a 2-hour flight away from me. He flew to my town to visit me last weekend and we had a great time together.

 

He wants to continue seeing me, but he is still unsure about being in an official relationship with me because of the distance. We agreed to be exclusive, but he doesn't want us to be in an official relationship. We talked about it a lot this week and he clarified that he is "scared of us getting really close incase the distance makes it break down" but he "does not think that's a reason for us to stop seeing each other".

 

I told him that I can't just continue with this if he doesn't want us to get too close, to which he said "but we are really close already and I really like you!" He doesn't want to stop seeing me. It's hard because I do really like him.

 

Thoughts on this?

 

Can you explain to me what this means?

[StBreton]

This guy doesn't even want to commit to picking up the check!

 

Can't commit to picking up the check...check

Can't commit to telling his parents he's dating you...check

Can't commit to a relationship...check

Can't commit to the next time he'll be out for a visit...check

 

Sounds like a totally non committal kind of guy to me...he's not invested in your at ALL.

 

Why are you giving this guy the time of day? I know you said he's got some good qualities...but aren't you worth more ...like enough for a guy to be invested in you...that shows you you are worth a million dollars to him?

[StBreton]

Can you explain to me what this means?

 

 

I think it means they're committed to a non committal relationship.

 

"Maybe" every 3rd Thursday of the month they'll see each other...but "we'll see" if the DOW is above 18,000 then "possibly" the guy will agree to then renege taking the OP out for Starbucks...that's only if she flies out to see him because the guy can't commit to a next date to come visit...but then the whole thing will have to be undercover because the guy can't commit to telling his parents he's dating the OP.

 

Is this really the kind of relationship you have dreamt of OP?

 

It's a good thing I don't have daughters, I'd be calling this guy to give him a piece of my mind. Tire kicking weasel

Edited December 12, 2015 by StBreton

[Michelle ma Belle]

These are my thoughts too but a point to make here is that he likes me enough to keep flying to visit me (I can't fly to him because of his living arrangements). And he keeps telling me that he wants us to carry on. Doesn't that make it a bit more encouraging?

 

Encouraging for you in that it keeps you hopelessly hanging on while he gets to play by the rules HE sets.

 

Come on!

[StBreton]

These are my thoughts too but a point to make here is that he likes me enough to keep flying to visit me (I can't fly to him because of his living arrangements). And he keeps telling me that he wants us to carry on. Doesn't that make it a bit more encouraging?

 

 

The short answer No, it doesn't make it more encouraging. This guy is keeping you as a side deal.

 

When I was in my 20s...I dated Mr Cross Country Ski Racer. His family had a mansion and I would be invited to come and stay for the weekend. Had my own bedroom. We had great times all together. We also did ski vacations to the family home in Vail. I was never a "secret" girlfriend and was invited with all the other girlfriends of the siblings to the family homes. Why is it that you must be the "secret" girlfriend? Makes no sense no matter what you say about it. How this guy is handling the situation with you is demeaning. I wouldn't put up with it for a second. He definitely has your number though...that's why he keeps walking all over you/reneges on promises.

[StBreton]

Ya know OP...there are a lot of nice guys on this forum...looking for a nice girl and always saying the girls always leave them for jerks. Now I see it playing out right in front of me. Why don't you find yourself a nice guy who treats you well? Do you feel like you don't have as good of a "catch" if it comes to easily or the guy too nice?

[Sweeetie]

Do you have sex with him? Sex without commitment or the pressure of seeing someone regularly might be very appealing for some people.

 

I should add that he might also enjoy your company but he isn't as emotionally invested in this as you are.

 

Yes we are sexually active. I should add that I made him wait for sex and refrained from sleeping with him until this last weekend that he flew down to visit me, so that I could see he was serious about this. Now that he got what he wanted he is expressing uncertainty about this working- I am not happy about this.

 

However, he has been texting and calling me this week since going back, our calls last for 1.5 hours. I had to give a performance this week and he texted me afterwards to ask how it went which I really appreciated. These things suggest that he is interested in me on an emotional level as well.

 

Since he didn't want to label what we have as a "relationship" I asked him if he would label it "friends with benefits" to which he replied "no, we're more than that."

 

At present I am withdrawing from him because of what he said about his fears about getting too close; I am telling him that I don't want to invest into something which he regards as futile to which he is saying he "wouldn't want to keep flying to see me if he did regard it as futile" but I am persisting in telling him I don't want to continue if he doesn't want to go all in.

 

If he keeps pursuing me and trying to convince me then I'll know he really does want me. I do really like him very much; I've never felt this way about any man before.

[StBreton]

Well Sweeetie...its sounds like you're managing things well...glad you're putting out there what you want and sticking up for what you want. If he thinks he's going to find a nicer girl more committed girl than you...I think he'll wind up regretting his decision. Hope he fights for this.

 

If it worked out...would you move to where he lives? Is that feasible?

[Sweeetie]

Well Sweeetie...its sounds like you're managing things well...glad you're putting out there what you want and sticking up for what you want. If he thinks he's going to find a nicer girl more committed girl than you...I think he'll wind up regretting his decision. Hope he fights for this.

 

If it worked out...would you move to where he lives? Is that feasible?

 

Thank you StBreton Those are very kind words. I can't see myself moving to his town; I live in the capital city and have just bought an apartment and started a new job of my dreams. His company makes him move around sometimes though and he did say that he might end up moving to my city again in future.

 

I do hope that he does pursue me, I am starting to develop feelings for him

[Sweeetie]

I've not heard from him for 30 hours and this is making me think that he has stopped pursuing me. It is since the conversation we had over text yesterday where I said I don't want to continue if he doesn't want to get too close, and he was convincing me that he really does want to pursue this. The last thing I wrote to him was: "you are drawing a line on how close we should get- that doesn't give me much encouragement." and he hasn't replied yet.

 

I don't understand how he can just ignore me for more than a day like this when he expressed his reluctance to end what he have. Wouldn't he atleast be trying to fight for me? I am worried that I scared him off by saying I don't want to continue. What do I do now? Just wait for him to contact me? I didn't actually want to end things; I just wanted to see that he really likes me enough to convince me to stay

Edited December 12, 2015 by Sweeetie

[Els]

I've not heard from him for 30 hours and this is making me think that he has stopped pursuing me. It is since the conversation we had over text yesterday where I said I don't want to continue if he doesn't want to get too close, and he was convincing me that he really does want to pursue this. The last thing I wrote to him was: "you are drawing a line on how close we should get- that doesn't give me much encouragement." and he hasn't replied yet.

 

I don't understand how he can just ignore me for more than a day like this when he expressed his reluctance to end what he have. Wouldn't he atleast be trying to fight for me? I am worried that I scared him off by saying I don't want to continue. What do I do now? Just wait for him to contact me? I didn't actually want to end things; I just wanted to see that he really likes me enough to convince me to stay

 

Connect the bolded. He has given you your answer, no?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I've not heard from him for 30 hours and this is making me think that he has stopped pursuing me. It is since the conversation we had over text yesterday where I said I don't want to continue if he doesn't want to get too close, and he was convincing me that he really does want to pursue this. The last thing I wrote to him was: "you are drawing a line on how close we should get- that doesn't give me much encouragement." and he hasn't replied yet.

 

I don't understand how he can just ignore me for more than a day like this when he expressed his reluctance to end what he have. Wouldn't he atleast be trying to fight for me? I am worried that I scared him off by saying I don't want to continue. What do I do now? Just wait for him to contact me? I didn't actually want to end things; I just wanted to see that he really likes me enough to convince me to stay

 

If this is out of the ordinary, then my guess would be he is taking some time and space to think things over carefully.

[Sweeetie]

If this is out of the ordinary' date=' then my guess would be he is taking some time and space to think things over carefully.[/quote']

 

Yes it's out of the ordinary. I still haven't heard from him and it has been almost 3 days. I really don't want to lose him and have been in tears these last couple of days for fear that I have. I've hardly slept, I've been so upset.

 

I just really want him to come forward and say "no, I do want us to get closer, I really don't want to stop seeing you." This is essentially what he was saying last week; that he really likes me and doesn't want to lose me. But suddenly after I ended things on Friday for his fears of "getting too close" (whatsapp conversation which I was hoping he would continue) the trail goes cold. Should I send him a text or should I wait a couple more days for him to reply?

 

If I re-initiate contact, how should I word my message? I'm thinking of something like this: "Hi Paul, I've not heard from you in a few days, I feel a bit surprised by this given how you were trying to convince me last week that you didn't want things to end? Does this mean you're not actually that into this?"

Edited December 14, 2015 by Sweeetie

[mattelipstick]

Yes it's out of the ordinary. I still haven't heard from him and it has been almost 3 days. I really don't want to lose him and have been in tears these last couple of days for fear that I have. I've hardly slept, I've been so upset.

 

I just really want him to come forward and say "no, I do want us to get closer, I really don't want to stop seeing you." This is essentially what he was saying last week; that he really likes me and doesn't want to lose me. But suddenly after I ended things on Friday for his fears of "getting too close" (whatsapp conversation which I was hoping he would continue) the trail goes cold. Should I send him a text or should I wait a couple more days for him to reply?

 

If I re-initiate contact, how should I word my message? I'm thinking of something like this: "Hi Paul, I've not heard from you in a few days, I feel a bit surprised by this given how you were trying to convince me last week that you didn't want things to end? Does this mean you're not actually that into this?"

 

Let me get this straight.

 

1. You want to be in a committed relationship with him.

2. He -- for whatever reason, really does not matter -- does NOT want to be in one with you.

3. He does want to be able to continue having all of the benefits of a relationship without the commitment.

4. You (smartly) ended things because that isn't what you're looking for.

5. You now want to reach out to him to ask why he hasn't continued begging you to stay in the casual/noncommittal situation you don't want?

 

Do I have that right?

 

Honestly, how do you see this ending? You can't make someone want to commit to you if they don't want to. You have two choices here: (1) You acknowledge that he cannot give you what you're looking for, cut ties and find someone who can. OR (2) You accept his terms and let the situation drag on until he finds someone he is willing to commit to (the nearly inevitable outcome). Playing games by cutting things off, not because you really mean it but because you're hoping he'll come chase after you -- that isn't going to get you anywhere. You're right back where you were to start, except now you'll be the one doing the chasing to reestablish contact.

[Sweeetie]

Let me get this straight.

 

1. You want to be in a committed relationship with him.

2. He -- for whatever reason, really does not matter -- does NOT want to be in one with you.

3. He does want to be able to continue having all of the benefits of a relationship without the commitment.

4. You (smartly) ended things because that isn't what you're looking for.

5. You now want to reach out to him to ask why he hasn't continued begging you to stay in the casual/noncommittal situation you don't want?

 

Do I have that right?

 

Honestly, how do you see this ending? You can't make someone want to commit to you if they don't want to. You have two choices here: (1) You acknowledge that he cannot give you what you're looking for, cut ties and find someone who can. OR (2) You accept his terms and let the situation drag on until he finds someone he is willing to commit to (the nearly inevitable outcome). Playing games by cutting things off, not because you really mean it but because you're hoping he'll come chase after you -- that isn't going to get you anywhere. You're right back where you were to start, except now you'll be the one doing the chasing to reestablish contact.

 

Yes you have it right. I know it's silly. I just don't want to let this go, I have grown attached to him. I just don't get though, how last week he was telling me on Skype that he "does not want to lose me", kept texting me that he "wants to continue", and then when I did end things on Friday he just left it. I'm planning on texting him today. I'm thinking of sending him this:

 

"Hi Paul, I hope you're having a good week. I just have to say that I'm a little surprised; how is it that you kept saying you "don't want to lose me" and then just let this go when I expressed doubts on Friday, without coming after me?

Was it just an easy way out of something you never really wanted?

 

If you had pursued me in the days that followed, it would have restored my faith that I did mean something to you. It would have encouraged me to continue this, even if we postponed thinking about an official relationship. Instead I just got your silence. Does this mean it was all just a game for you?

 

If only to give some value to the time and effort I put into this, I think I deserve an explanation."

 

Do you think this will work? I'm trying to reach out to him in a way that I don't lose my dignity.

[mattelipstick]

Yes you have it right. I know it's silly. I just don't want to let this go, I have grown attached to him. I just don't get though, how last week he was telling me on Skype that he "does not want to lose me", kept texting me that he "wants to continue", and then when I did end things on Friday he just left it. I'm planning on texting him today. I'm thinking of sending him this:

 

"Hi Paul, I hope you're having a good week. I just have to say that I'm a little surprised; how is it that you kept saying you "don't want to lose me" and then just let this go when I expressed doubts on Friday, without coming after me?

Was it just an easy way out of something you never really wanted?

 

If you had pursued me in the days that followed, it would have restored my faith that I did mean something to you. It would have encouraged me to continue this, even if we postponed thinking about an official relationship. Instead I just got your silence. Does this mean it was all just a game for you?

 

If only to give some value to the time and effort I put into this, I think I deserve an explanation."

 

Do you think this will work? I'm trying to reach out to him in a way that I don't lose my dignity.

 

Do I think it will "work" in the sense that it will make him want to commit to you? No. Not at all. I don't want to sound harsh, but nothing about that message is dignified. It sounds needy, desperate and pathetic. And the part about "postponing thinking about an official relationship" screams "HEY, I KNOW I SAID I WANTED TO BE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP AND REALLY I STILL DO -- BUT I'M WILLING TO LOWER MYSELF AND TAKE WHATEVER SCRAPS YOU'RE OFFERING BECAUSE I'M SUPER DESPERATE NOT TO LOSE YOU."

 

He will see right through you -- and yeah, he'll probably go along with it because he'd be getting exactly what he wants. Sex and company from you when it's convenient for him with none of the obligation. You paying for everything. You not being able to come visit him and thus, not really intruding on his space. Which, by the way, is a total crock. Even if he lives at home, he could easily get a hotel for the weekend so you could come visit. Anybody who was really into you would want you to have a glimpse into their day to day life, meet people who are important to them, etc.

 

He's a grown man. You don't have to TELL somebody, "Hey, come chase after me to show you care!" If the person really cares, they will do it on their own. He told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship and you cut things off because you DO want that. At that point, he owes you nothing by way of further explanation because he already told you where he stood. You just aren't listening.

 

I can already tell you're going to send the message, and that's fine. But you do yourself no favors pretending that it's dignified when I'm pretty sure you know it isn't. If you're so into him that you're willing to do away with your standards, just own it and ride the wave until it fizzles out. I think most young women have been there (I know I have), which is why everybody who has posted in this thread can already tell you how this story ends.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes you have it right. I know it's silly. I just don't want to let this go, I have grown attached to him. I just don't get though, how last week he was telling me on Skype that he "does not want to lose me", kept texting me that he "wants to continue", and then when I did end things on Friday he just left it. I'm planning on texting him today. I'm thinking of sending him this:

 

"Hi Paul, I hope you're having a good week. I just have to say that I'm a little surprised; how is it that you kept saying you "don't want to lose me" and then just let this go when I expressed doubts on Friday, without coming after me?

Was it just an easy way out of something you never really wanted?

 

If you had pursued me in the days that followed, it would have restored my faith that I did mean something to you. It would have encouraged me to continue this, even if we postponed thinking about an official relationship. Instead I just got your silence. Does this mean it was all just a game for you?

 

If only to give some value to the time and effort I put into this, I think I deserve an explanation."

Do you think this will work? I'm trying to reach out to him in a way that I don't lose my dignity.

 

That is far too long for a text message. And you already know where his heart is. From my perspective, there isn't a way to preserve your dignity and send that message.

 

You already ended it. What did you expect him to do, honestly? It wasn't what you wanted. He showed you he had no objections to ending. You already have the answers you're looking for, I think. Do you need him to actually tell you that?