LDR- he won't commit for fear of getting "too close"

[Sweeetie]

Just don't be dishonest with yourself, because your thread indicates you're most certainly not okay with a casual arrangement. I fear you are denying your own needs and desires because you just don't want to admit to yourself that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend. And that's not good.

 

If you contact him and make plans, you can't really ever complain about him blowing hot-and-cold because you're actively participating in this. Envision what the future will look like - I can almost promise he will one day tell you he can't come see you and you can't go see him anymore because he's met another woman. Or you might come to learn that he is sleeping with other women and you at the same time. (It's not out of the realm of possibility that this is already happening) A man who really wants to be with you will be with you; he will act interested and will not insist on keeping it casual. He is doing none of those things. You are more or less campaigning for his attention and affection and agreeing to terms that you're not comfortable with. You would never need to do that with someone who actually wants to be with you.

 

I have already accepted that he doesn't want to be with me. Before I didn't, but at this stage I have. It's not something that I've done before, so it might be difficult for me and break my heart, that's why I'm still hesitating texting him. But I don't want to have regret; we tend to regret the things that we didn't do rather than the things we did do.

 

We are just two people who enjoy each other and when we have the chance to spend more time together, why not.

Edited January 12, 2016 by Sweeetie

[StBreton]

I have already accepted that he doesn't want to be with me. Before I didn't, but at this stage I have. It's not something that I've done before, so it might be difficult for me and break my heart, that's why I'm still hesitating texting him. But I don't want to have regret; we tend to regret the things that we didn't do rather than the things we did do.

 

We are just two people who enjoy each other and when we have the chance to spend more time together, why not.

 

Why not you ask? Because you like this guy a lot! And the more time you spend with him/keep in contact with him, you'll get more attached to him and like him even more...and it will come to nothing...and you'll get your sweet heart broken...THAT'S WHY. Why set yourself up for heartbreak?? Those of us who are "seasoned" relationship folks, can see down the road and we try to help. I'm done posting as well...I do wish you well and will check in to see how you're fairing.

[Sweeetie]

I can see why you guys are pulling out and can I just say that I thank you whole-heartedly for your contributions to this thread. You have been my main source of support through all of this. Thanks to your input I have been going about this better than I would have otherwise, with much lower expectations than if I hadn't received your wisdom. I have not been in a situation like this before.

 

The ironic thing about all this is that at the beginning when this guy and I were dating, shortly before he was due to move out of town, and I was delaying us having our first kiss due to doubts about this working / his intentions, he did his *utmost* to convince me that it would work. That the distance would not be a barrier to him coming to see me, that he would only be a "short flight away". I even held off sleeping with him until his first visit back to my town just so I knew he was sincere. Surprise surprise, after I gave him his long-awaited sex he confessed his real feelings - that he doesn't think the distance will make it work.

[StBreton]

I can see why you guys are pulling out and can I just say that I thank you whole-heartedly for your contributions to this thread. You have been my main source of support through all of this. Thanks to your input I have been going about this better than I would have otherwise, with much lower expectations than if I hadn't received your wisdom. I have not been in a situation like this before.

 

The ironic thing about all this is that at the beginning when this guy and I were dating, shortly before he was due to move out of town, and I was delaying us having our first kiss due to doubts about this working / his intentions, he did his *utmost* to convince me that it would work. That the distance would not be a barrier to him coming to see me, that he would only be a "short flight away". I even held off sleeping with him until his first visit back to my town just so I knew he was sincere. Surprise surprise, after I gave him his long-awaited sex he confessed his real feelings - that he doesn't think the distance will make it work.

 

Maybe your dad or whomever never told you to view a guy through your eyes and not ears ... watch his actions.

 

Also...some people really don't know themselves well and think they'll be ok with something then when they actually live it or try it, they find it's not for them. Just something to ponder. A lot of guys will go along with the status quo but not really be happy with it...until they can't do it anymore...then they break up. Please look out for yourself. Don't be the girl who comes back to this thread 2 years from now saying "I should have listened to you guys"

[lana-banana]

We are just two people who enjoy each other and when we have the chance to spend more time together, why not.

 

Because you AREN'T "just two people who enjoy each other". You are obsessed with him and clinging to the last few scraps he's willing to give. Less than a month ago you were telling us this guy was the defining experience of your entire life but now you're at ease with being his f---buddy? If mental gymnastics were a sport you'd be at the Olympics.

 

Don't lie to yourself about what's happening here. The man of your dreams doesn't want a relationship with you. Rather than keep your dignity and walk away, you're trying to play Cool Girl. You want to "beat" him at his game. You think if you transform into a relaxed, easygoing casual chick, he'll eventually fall in love.

 

Reality check: you will never be a casual chick in his eyes. He knows how obsessed and desperate you are, because you begged so pathetically for any kind of contact. A true Cool Girl would never accept an arrangement that didn't meet her needs, and she certainly wouldn't lower herself to pleading for f---buddy status. His texts asking you to outline your expectations weren't a positive development at all; he was trying to determine the bare minimum of effort needed in order to ensure he gets no strings attached sex with you whenever he wants. Why are you pretending you're comfortable with so little?

 

You are not the first girl to fall into this trap and you certainly won't be the last. But don't fool yourself about having any semblance of control over the situation. This is only a temporary arrangement and it comes with a hefty price tag. When he does decide he's through---and he will, unless you find your nerve and end it first---it's going to hurt so much more than it does already.

Edited January 13, 2016 by lana-banana

[Sweeetie]

Well, shortly after his last visit to me when he established he didn't want a relationship but wanted to keep seeing me, we spoke on Skype about it more. I asked him if he sees us as just 'friends with benefits', to which he replied "no; we are more than that." Hence if this goes ahead I wouldn't look upon myself as his '**** buddy'.

[lana-banana]

Well, shortly after his last visit to me when he established he didn't want a relationship but wanted to keep seeing me, we spoke on Skype about it more. I asked him if he sees us as just 'friends with benefits', to which he replied "no; we are more than that." Hence if this goes ahead I wouldn't look upon myself as his '**** buddy'.

 

Of course he said that, because otherwise you wouldn't agree to the arrangement. But does he treat you like more than a f---buddy? Let's examine the evidence.

 

- You are not dating

- You are not in a relationship with him

- You are not his girlfriend

- You are not committed to each other in any way

- You don't go on dates

- You have no expectation of spending time together

- You don't get to decide when you see him

- You do not see each other often

- He is unwilling to talk to you regularly

- He wanted to know the absolute minimum he had to text you to keep getting free sex

- You have no idea what he's doing with other women

 

Does that sound like "more than fwb" to you? If anything it sounds like less.

Edited January 13, 2016 by lana-banana

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, shortly after his last visit to me when he established he didn't want a relationship but wanted to keep seeing me, we spoke on Skype about it more. I asked him if he sees us as just 'friends with benefits', to which he replied "no; we are more than that." Hence if this goes ahead I wouldn't look upon myself as his '**** buddy'.

 

How exactly are you more than that? Of course he wouldn't tell you you're a FWB; you would've cut off his supply if you thought you were.

 

Look, actions speak louder than words. All of his actions indicate you aren't more than a fling to him. And you're not just two people who enjoy each other's company. You're too invested and that's why it's very unwise to continue this. You will get hurt again.

[TMichaels]

... actions speak louder than words...

 

 

Expat's right.

 

A lot of people here have spent a lot of "words" trying to get you to face reality, but you refuse to listen to them just as you've continued to refuse to "listen" to what this guy has and is continuing to tell you by his actions.

 

Just as it's a waste of time for you to continue obsessing over this guy who is only keeping you on the line to get what he wants when he wants it, it's also a waste of time for anyone here to continue to try and help you face reality because the only advice you want to hear is that which agrees with the fantasy world you prefer to exist in.

 

Given that, I think it's time other posters here also take some of their own advice and chalk up trying to help you see the light as a worthless cause and move on to providing objective perspective and advice to those who truly want it and are open-minded enough to receive it.

 

Best of luck to you,

TMichaels

[trolloperative]

You have zero chance of moving up to relationship material after being a f buddy/casual. Also, you are way down the list of fwb since there's distance between you.. read: if he can get laid closer to home he won't bother travelling to see you. And the desperation is boner kill.

[pri1991]

hi everyone..

i was just sitting and reading the whole thread now, and i feel really sad and angry at the same time.

im 24 and i have also been n relationships.. ive been in a situatn where i was after a guy for 2 years .. but when he told no.. i just stopped it then and there. we should know our limits. you have been in contact with a guy for mere 3months and youre willing to give up everything you have for such a person ? before anyone else, your in a relationship with YOURSELF from the day your born. guys will come and go no matter what. This guy has totally no respect for you. Why cant you see that? So many are giving you the best advices one can ever give..esp. mattelipstick and stbreton. they are speaking the ugly truth but youre still sticking on to the same sentence you have been telling since day 1. where is this going. While you r breaking your head and going through So much for that human, im dead sure hes walkng around with his arms around some girl over there and enjoying his lungs out. i can guarantee that. why do you want to purposelly erase this fact from your mind? to have some temporary happiness? You are worth much more , understand that first. If youre still so much into him..ask him one plain question instead of al those " agreements and stuff". ask him " do you love me... yes or no"..if its a yes then yes..its worth investing.. if not.. be a strong girl and move on..its hard i accept that but not impossible. you never know.. your soulmate would be just sitting behind you in some cafe but youve shut down completely ruining yourself for this toxic obsession. sweetie...accept this and INVEST this time youve spent for developing yourself. im telling you, youll never regret then.. never.

 

Stay happy and stay safe.. l

[trolloperative]

Had you taken the advice in the past 5 pages and went NC, there may have been a shot in the future. Now you just look like the girl that will take any crumbs he throws (or doesn't). Such an ego boost for him.

[mattelipstick]

Well, shortly after his last visit to me when he established he didn't want a relationship but wanted to keep seeing me, we spoke on Skype about it more. I asked him if he sees us as just 'friends with benefits', to which he replied "no; we are more than that." Hence if this goes ahead I wouldn't look upon myself as his '**** buddy'.

 

Come on, girl... of course he didn't say that. Why WOULD he? He isn't stupid.

 

And I agree w/ Lana-Banana. The reason it feels like people are wasting their time posting here isn't because you aren't taking anyone's advice -- it's that you're back to lying to yourself (and us) about what you want, which is how you started this thread. You'd gotten to a point where you were able to admit that you do want to be with this guy but were just desperate enough to take whatever he allowed you. Now you're back to this "Oh, I'm totally fine he doesn't want to be with me... I don't want to be with him anyway! Would be a shame to not enjoy each others' company!" A committee made up of Helen Keller, Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles could see through that mess. If you didn't want to be with him, you wouldn't be daydreaming about how maaaaaaaaaaaybe if you got him to visit then maaaaaaaaaaaybe he might really like you again and maaaaaaaaaaybe want to be with you down the line.

 

No point in seeking advice if you aren't going to be honest (with yourself, most importantly). You are obsessed and desperate and willing to take anything he'll give, even if you have to chase him for it. That's the reality.

[anduina]

Well, shortly after his last visit to me when he established he didn't want a relationship but wanted to keep seeing me, we spoke on Skype about it more. I asked him if he sees us as just 'friends with benefits', to which he replied "no; we are more than that." Hence if this goes ahead I wouldn't look upon myself as his '**** buddy'.

Oh boy, reading your thread is like reading the script to my last couple of months in an LDR. There must be a book that guys read from.

 

We've been negotiating a relationship today where it will continue on tomorrow. So far it's a relationship with all sorts of loop holes. I don't have any faith that he will close the loopholes tomorrow so it's likely I'll cut him loose. It's all horribly unromantic and doesn't feel worth the effort since LDRs take so much time and energy and we've only been at it for a couple of months.

 

Try not to hold on if the two of you don't want the same things. You'll only bond tighter to him over time, wishing and hoping, even when you're saying to yourself that it won't work. But your heart will be saying 'maybe, please' and bleed every time it doesn't happen.

[Emilia]

I have already accepted that he doesn't want to be with me. Before I didn't, but at this stage I have. It's not something that I've done before, so it might be difficult for me and break my heart, that's why I'm still hesitating texting him. But I don't want to have regret; we tend to regret the things that we didn't do rather than the things we did do.

 

We are just two people who enjoy each other and when we have the chance to spend more time together, why not.

 

Nah, it's just crappy decision making skills and leaky boundaries. You need to set yourself higher standards as to what you put up with from men.

[justwhoiam]

he doesn't want us to be in an official relationship.

He doesn't want to be in an official relationship with you. Repeat that to yourself over and over again. Now, knowing that, which doesn't seem to be a matter of time, why would you want to be intimate with him, when that's clearly gonna hurt you?

 

he is "scared of us getting really close incase the distance makes it break down" but he "does not think that's a reason for us to stop seeing each other".

He's entitled to his own opinion, as you are to yours. So let him know that he can continue to see you, but spending time together in person won't shift to having sex anymore, as you want to keep that for a steady relationship.

I guess he will either disappear from your life fast, or change his attitude. It all depends on how much she values you as a "potential girlfriend" or even soulmate. But I guess it's quite likely you'll get the former reaction, rather than the latter.

[Sweeetie]

Hello everyone.

 

Please don't think more ill of me than you do already, but I contacted him again to ask what's happening since I had not heard from him in a while. Some of you will know how hard it is to let a person go whom you still like so much. He told me that he enjoys spending time with me but that since both of us knows a relationship will not work, he will only keep seeing me if I agree to polygamy. He doesn't see the sense in us being exclusive to each other if we are not having a relationship. I asked him with disbelief if he would mind me sleeping with other guys the same time as him to which he replied "No, I wouldn't. We would effectively be friends with benefits. I might be a tad jealous but that wouldn't be your concern!"

 

I see where he is coming from, we would be holding each other back. And I understand what has led him to feel that way since he has not seen my face or heard my voice in 6 weeks. Naturally he is forgetting me and his feelings have faded.

 

It is something that I have never done before: seeing a man when he is also sleeping with other girls. I don't think I would handle it well. But I gave him an offer just to see how he would react. I said, if he's sleeping with others at the time we meet next, he needs to get a hotel. If he's not seeing anyone at that time, I will spend the nights with him. He agreed to it. I am aware of the possibility that he might lie and say he's not seeing anyone just to get laid when he visits me next, so what I haven't told him is that I will make him get a hotel anyway.

 

I don't really know what to do. We are going to have a Skype chat this weekend to talk about everything. It is the first time that I will be seeing his face and hearing his voice in 6 weeks. I am hoping that when he sees me it will rekindle some of the feeling he used to have for me- there was a time that he liked me very much. But I am also scared that the Skype will rekindle my feelings as well, which are deeper.

Edited January 22, 2016 by Sweeetie

[Emilia]

I have just had a 4-day row with someone I dated years ago and haven't seen for 2 years. We had thought there had been enough time passed to be friends but we still fought like cats and dogs because old unresolved feelings linger.

 

When a man likes you and cares about you, 6 weeks are nothing. When he is a decent person, he won't try to take advantage of your docile nature and suggest polygamy. This guy thinks nothing of you and I think the worry is that you seem to want keep hold of men (previous threads) who don't treat you well at all.

[justanickname]

 

He told me that he enjoys spending time with me but that since both of us knows a relationship will not work, he will only keep seeing me if I agree to polygamy. He doesn't see the sense in us being exclusive to each other if we are not having a relationship. I asked him with disbelief if he would mind me sleeping with other guys the same time as him to which he replied "No, I wouldn't. We would effectively be friends with benefits. I might be a tad jealous but that wouldn't be your concern!"

 

I see where he is coming from, we would be holding each other back. And I understand what has led him to feel that way since he has not seen my face or heard my voice in 6 weeks. Naturally he is forgetting me and his feelings have faded.(

 

My dear,

I believe the bold one is already predicted by anyone here who has followed your posts.

And everyone here has been told you - and will continue to tell you, that please respect yourself more.

I will repeat everyone's word for the first and last time in this reply for your threat, please do NC with the guy, find someone who truly cares for you.

It is not easy to do NC, but it can start by deleting all the contact info of the guy. All: phone no., facebook, skype, email exchanging (if any), etc. (maybe block is not wise, you may unblock when you feel the desire and hold onto it, so I suggest delete). For your case, I think if you do not initiate the convo, the guy won't either.

It will take some time, yes, but with time, you will get better.

Good luck.

[Sweeetie]

I know but it's just so hard. I can't do that. There was once a time that he liked me so much and treated me like I was number 1 in his world. It hurts me to see him talking to me in such an indifferent way now. Especially when my feelings towards him have not changed. If he liked me so much once, I am confident that he can like me again if he sees me and spends time with me. I am hoping that the Skype conversation rekindles his feelings and makes him want to come back to visit me soon.

[Emilia]

He won't and the fact that you are allowing him to talk you into things you don't want, makes him lose respect for you as well. You can't come back from that. Respect is the basis of any positive feeling towards a person. 'Can't do that' is weak. No-one respects a weak person.

[justwhoiam]

I contacted him again to ask what's happening since I had not heard from him in a while.

This guy is not even contacting you. Do you know what that means? He's not interested, but you're pushing.

 

Some of you will know how hard it is to let a person go whom you still like so much.

I do know, indeed. But it's not at all costs. There's a limit. Also, I wouldn't be able to be with someone who can't go out of his way for me. And this guy seems to have issues even with very minimal effort.

 

He told me that he enjoys spending time with me

This to me means: I can have sex with you.

 

but that since both of us knows a relationship will not work, he will only keep seeing me if I agree to polygamy.

1) He knows it won't work with you. He didn't even mention the distance.

2) He didn't ask you to move or anything. He was not looking for a solution. In short, that means: I can give it to you, but don't trap me or anything, I'm not going to commit to you anyway. I want to be free and have my life. No couple, no girlfriend, no steady relationship.

3) He made a decisition for himself, he sets the rules. You don't count a thing. So like it or not, that's the way it is. So what kind of prize could he possibly be??

 

We would effectively be friends with benefits.

This guy is an idiot. First he mentioned polygamy not even understanding what that implies, and now he finally reveals what kind of deal he's looking for: friend with benefit. You might think that the two things are the same, but of course they are not.

 

he has not seen my face or heard my voice in 6 weeks. Naturally he is forgetting me and his feelings have faded.

Oh my, seriously?? He's not in love with you, are you aware of that? Because if he were in love with you, his attitude would be totally different! My man - even after months of not seeing me - still remembered little, apparently inconsequential details about me.

 

I gave him an offer just to see how he would react. I said, if he's sleeping with others at the time we meet next, he needs to get a hotel. If he's not seeing anyone at that time, I will spend the nights with him. He agreed to it.

Well, if you didn't realize, you took very little away from him, with your offer. It's as if the option were between ice cream with whipped cream and plain ice cream... He'd still be getting the ice cream. What makes you think that he won't get what he wants from you, since you're pudding in his hands, and that's clear already?

 

what I haven't told him is that I will make him get a hotel anyway.

I don't think this is fair. He was clear with you, and you should be clear with him, not falsely make him believe you agreed to something and then scheme revenge. You're better than that.

 

there was a time that he liked me very much.

Maybe he did, and can still do, but that doesn't mean he ever was in love with you. That's a different thing. Why don't you want better for yourself? I can guess from your words you need more. You need someone loving you, someone who makes you feel special, someone who's looking forward to be with you any time, someone who only has eyes for you because... he's in love!

 

There was once a time that he liked me so much and treated me like I was number 1 in his world.

Some guys would do anything to get in your pants... also, there's the excitement of someone new... Edited January 23, 2016 by justwhoiam

[Sweeetie]

This guy is not even contacting you. Do you know what that means? He's not interested, but you're pushing.

 

I do know, indeed. But it's not at all costs. There's a limit. Also, I wouldn't be able to be with someone who can't go out of his way for me. And this guy seems to have issues even with very minimal effort.

 

This to me means: I can have sex with you.

 

 

1) He knows it won't work with you. He didn't even mention the distance.

2) He didn't ask you to move or anything. He was not looking for a solution. In short, that means: I can give it to you, but don't trap me or anything, I'm not going to commit to you anyway. I want to be free and have my life. No couple, no girlfriend, no steady relationship.

3) He made a decisition for himself, he sets the rules. You don't count a thing. So like it or not, that's the way it is. So what kind of prize could he possibly be??

 

This guy is an idiot. First he mentioned polygamy not even understanding what that implies, and now he finally reveals what kind of deal he's looking for: friend with benefit. You might think that the two things are the same, but of course they are not.

 

Oh my, seriously?? He's not in love with you, are you aware of that? Because if he were in love with you, his attitude would be totally different! My man - even after months of not seeing me - still remembered little, apparently inconsequential details about me.

 

Well, if you didn't realize, you took very little away from him, with your offer. It's as if the option were between ice cream with whipped cream and plain ice cream... He'd still be getting the ice cream. What makes you think that he won't get what he wants from you, since you're pudding in his hands, and that's clear already?

 

I don't think this is fair. He was clear with you, and you should be clear with him, not falsely make him believe you agreed to something and then scheme revenge. You're better than that.

 

Maybe he did, and can still do, but that doesn't mean he ever was in love with you. That's a different thing. Why don't you want better for yourself? I can guess from your words you need more. You need someone loving you, someone who makes you feel special, someone who's looking forward to be with you any time, someone who only has eyes for you because... he's in love!

 

Some guys would do anything to get in your pants... also, there's the excitement of someone new...

 

I know what you're saying. And I know that a guy in love would not forget someone so quickly. But this case is different because our 'relationship' did not have any time to blossom, to get to that stage. He liked me a lot, enough to get on a plane to visit me, then 6 weeks passes without him seeing me or hearing my voice and he is forgetting me.

 

He is acting like he doesn't care at all. I can't even get him to agree to a time to Skype this weekend; when we were texting on Thursday I suggested early afternoon on Saturday and all he said in reply was "Can't guarantee whether I'll be in or out, don't plan around me." It is heartbreaking since he used to treat me with so much more importance. This difference is hurting me, bad. When I see his face over Skype I will be able to judge whether there is any liking left.

 

I know that if he sees me again and spends time with me he will get that liking back for me. He even said after his last visit that he is scared of us getting "too close" which shows how much he liked me. It is just the distance that is pushing him away; I need him to see me again.

 

I want to meet up with him as soon as possible before he meets a local girl he wants to commit to.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know what you're saying. And I know that a guy in love would not forget someone so quickly. But this case is different because our 'relationship' did not have any time to blossom, to get to that stage. He liked me a lot, enough to get on a plane to visit me, then 6 weeks passes without him seeing me or hearing my voice and he is forgetting me.

 

He is acting like he doesn't care at all. I can't even get him to agree to a time to Skype this weekend; when we were texting on Thursday I suggested early afternoon on Saturday and all he said in reply was "Can't guarantee whether I'll be in or out, don't plan around me." It is heartbreaking since he used to treat me with so much more importance. This difference is hurting me, bad. When I see his face over Skype I will be able to judge whether there is any liking left.

 

I know that if he sees me again and spends time with me he will get that liking back for me. He even said after his last visit that he is scared of us getting "too close" which shows how much he liked me. It is just the distance that is pushing him away; I need him to see me again.

 

I want to meet up with him as soon as possible before he meets a local girl he wants to commit to.

 

No, you don't know that. You hope for that. You don't know him better than he knows himself.

 

He's acting like he doesn't care because he doesn't care. He's not interested in trying to make it work with you. You're the one pushing for it. He will soon become irritated and stop speaking to you altogether if you keep this up, mark my words. Being pushy and refusing to listen to what the person is telling you is very unattractive. It isn't just the distance pushing him away, despite what you're telling yourself. So, please stop that for your own good...or risk losing any type of connection to him.

 

You need to come to terms with the fact that feelings change. People lose interest. It happens all the time or nobody would ever break up. You also need to find the self-worth you lost somewhere along the way and detach from him and all this false hope you're giving yourself.

 

He was very clear. You're just refusing to respect his choice at this point.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I want to meet up with him as soon as possible before he meets a local girl he wants to commit to.

 

He already has met someone else, he is just being shady about it. Why do you think he stopped contacting out of the blue and can't even agree to a time to Skype? He has his hands full, literally.

 

At this point he sees you as a casual fling, but never a girlfriend. It doesn't matter what you say or do now because you have agreed to it.

 

If that scenario appeals to you, then I wish you the best. The only advice I can give you is to always wear protection with him, and get tested because you have no idea who or how many people he is sleeping with.