When you can't find happiness

[Amelie1980]

What am I supposed to do when I cant find happiness and contentment no matter what I try?

 

I am always alone and it is wearing me down.

 

Over the last few years I have tried, bikram yoga, ordinary yoga, adventure holidays, travelling with friends and alone, canoeing, membership to museums and art galleries, visiting sporting events, snorkeling, diving, dating, etc.

 

I have a highly skilled career. But still I am always by myself. Nothing sticks. I have loads of stories to tell and lots of things to talk about. But I always get left behind.

 

I don't really have anyone who cares about me in life.

[StBreton]

What does happiness mean to you OP?

 

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” --Martha Washington

Edited December 12, 2015 by StBreton

[Amelie1980]

What does happiness mean to you OP?

 

I can find plenty to do to have fun. I'm not too scared to try new things. Lots of people tell me I am really funny and a great person.

 

But it's superficial. I dont have anyone in my life who really cares about me that much. Im tired of being alone.

 

Guys just take advantage of my easy going nature and instead of respecting it, know they can take liberties and I won't say anything.

 

Family are harshly critical. No one accepts me for who I am.

 

I want people to like me and to have a permanent relationship. Not just get used or cheated on.

[StBreton]

I can find plenty to do to have fun. I'm not too scared to try new things. Lots of people tell me I am really funny and a great person.

 

But it's superficial. I dont have anyone in my life who really cares about me that much. Im tired of being alone.

 

Have you tried a bible study group? Meetup group of women your age or a bit older?

 

Guys just take advantage of my easy going nature and instead of respecting it, know they can take liberties and I won't say anything.

 

Well OP ... maybe it's one of the things that you're supposed to learn about and affect change in this life...I started to understand things like that in my 40s...and the fact I could care less what people think the older the get...I'm about 90% with that now. Maybe start being a bit pushy instead of pushover. Don't get me wrong, I'm nice, but I'll call a spade a spade any day. I'm really easy going at the beach though:)

 

Family are harshly critical. No one accepts me for who I am.

 

Read the above about not caring what people think. It's a journey so take some steps...like by December 18, 2015, I'm not going to care what any of my family thinks...then just do it. (Got that great idea from TaraM on this forum)

 

I want people to like me and to have a permanent relationship. Not just get used or cheated on.

 

What people to like you?

 

Do you want a permanent friend relationship or romantic rel.

 

If someone cheats, move on. I'm upfront with guys that I'm monogamous ... we talk about this. If they're not on board, I'm gone. Big mistake on their part.

 

If you're the common denominator on these cheater guys...maybe your picker is off or you're too laid back with them? Maybe step up your game a little...there's a book entitled "Why guys date *itches" or something like that...I think it might be worthwhile for you to read it. I did last year post divorce. Some useful info there.

 

Cheer up...go volunteer for the holidays somewhere. You always have your own company right?

 

Are you good at talking with people?

[Amelie1980]

I am an atheist. So nothing to do with bible, church etc.

 

I am very easy to talk to.

 

I guess you're right about guys I let them see they can do what they like.

 

I got bullied at work a long while ago so I left the job and got a new one. Which was even worse. I was treated horribly in my new job and then lost it a little while ago. Ive been trying hard to get a new one. and my mom blamed me for it when she knew id been bullied and lots of other people had the same there. My siblings just dont care. One of them called me the night i lost my job to talk about themselves.

 

When i was in the hospital last year my brother didn't even ask if i was ok.

 

Why doesn't anyone in my life care about me?

 

I really want a permanent relationship.

[StBreton]

You're 35...why do you care if your mom blamed you for anything. Hang up the phone and be on your merry way.

 

My brother is busy with his life. My sis and I are much closer and keep up with each other.

 

You've had a lot of job instability...what do you do?

[DropCity]

It's difficult to 'cheer up' when most can't, or don't, identify with you.

 

It's tiresome to 'cheer up' when you're constantly giving plenty of yourself at understanding others. Especially when they can't, or don't, identify with you. Am I correct, Amelie1980?

 

Being a picker, or the picky, has nothing to do with being 'laid back'. Because most of the time it boils down to JUST TRYING! What other choice does anyone have at being lucky at finding someone who can identify with you... and vice-versa? Hugh, StBreton?

 

Once someone finds real love (or a true permanent relationship) it's a little like knowing, and describing, the answer to a question nobody else knows...

 

..."oh I know that one, it's an easy answer!"

 

Amelie1980, I am forceful like StBreton is... and I'm not any less lonely than you because of it. Maybe lonelier and less happy since most can't, or don't, identify with me.

 

So in essence, the "easy" answer to your happiness & loneliness (and mine) will come to us in the form of pure luck (period). Better still...

 

...when we meet someone who's level of interest in us matches ours in them (truly).

[todreaminblue]

you know that it is said

 

 

if you are trying to find something that it will always be in the last place you look....

 

 

..love...happiness..car keys..whatever you are looking for when you try to find it it will be in or at the last place you look...

 

now this phrase used to annoy me completely...like eye roll completely...and der to the fact it will be in the last place i look.......but...then i looked at it again...and there is a key word or concept .....try......

 

there are no guarantees to try .....but if you do and you keep trying to find what you are looking for in this case happiness..... you will find it....it might take a while....the key concept is...dont give up before you find something.....there's nothing wrong with trying in places you have before.....there's nothing wrong with looking in the wrong places.......its all growth........

rome wasnt built in a day

....

 

 

which is another annoying phrase....i never wanted to build a city anyway.....plan maybe....like a town...but not a city.....

 

 

you have to keep doing what you are doing keep trying out new things ...or old things with new people...or new things with old people..and never lose hope......which is hard......

 

 

i found a long time ago not externalising my hopes and dreams and wishes onto others or being in a relationship helped......i find my happiness in what i already own and have..i color in and it makes me happy.....yep big kid.,..i can find happiness in a color in book..........i actually know i have a lot...i have my life.my family my friends my faith...which is precious to me now..whereas it wasnt before......i could have cared no less than what i dd about living or dying or any of those other things i wrote of, than i have at several or more than several low points in my life......and now just living is a gift i am thankful to the guys above for.......i plan not to waste my life finding a guy to be with......that guy will find me and i wont wait to be happy with him...i will be happy without him .....:0)...if he never happens to find me ill meet him in the after life.....

 

i dont know what will make you happy......but i am sure you will find out what it is or who it is that makes you happy...when you find happiness yourself and in you...i wish you much happiness....and hugs.......deb

Edited December 12, 2015 by todreaminblue

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever been in therapy? Try it. It will help you reframe some of those Qs.

 

 

Did you tell your brother that his failure to inquire about your health hurt your feelings? That may be a good place to start -- open, honest communication with those around you. You need to tell them what your needs are if you expect those people to meet your needs.

 

 

Look at it this way. If you walked into a restaurant & sat down but refused to order claiming that because you are such an easy going person but then the wait staff didn't bring you enough food you liked to satisfy your hunger whose fault would it be that you didn't get fed?

[Qboro90]

Understand that the things you want aren't going to happen overnight. Thinking that they will or expecting to find that person who gives you what you want and deserve will take time and needs to be developed accordingly. You're not going to meet someone who makes you their priority and loves you immediately after a couple dates. You're not going to click with a coworker or person at the gym and become best friends after working out.

 

If you're getting down on yourself because the people you meet who you become friendly with aren't including you in their lives to the level you'd like it's nothing against you. At 35 most people have their circle of friends trimmed down and relationships for years and years. You'll never find that now because it's past that stage. That doesn't mean you can't find good loyal caring people to be friends with... But finding a BFf that you known since middle school isn't possible .

 

If you want these relationships then even though you don't want to, you'll have to put in the effort at first to initiate and build them. If you don't normally approach guys, start doing so. Saying hello, introducing yourself, asking what they do and giving out your number. "Call me sometime if you wanna grab a drink".

Inviting someone from your workout classes to get lunch afterwards or go out one night. You can grow these things to where you want with the people you want instead of waiting for them to find you and bring you in.

[Amelie1980]

Have you ever been in therapy? Try it. It will help you reframe some of those Qs.

 

 

Did you tell your brother that his failure to inquire about your health hurt your feelings? That may be a good place to start -- open, honest communication with those around you. You need to tell them what your needs are if you expect those people to meet your needs.

 

 

Look at it this way. If you walked into a restaurant & sat down but refused to order claiming that because you are such an easy going person but then the wait staff didn't bring you enough food you liked to satisfy your hunger whose fault would it be that you didn't get fed?

 

Yes. I tell him constantly how he is. He doesnt care. That is how he is. But he expects me to babysit his kid and do things for his family. So I have finally told him to go to hell and he called me selfish.

[Amelie1980]

If you're getting down on yourself because the people you meet who you become friendly with aren't including you in their lives to the level you'd like it's nothing against you. At 35 most people have their circle of friends trimmed down and relationships for years and years. You'll never find that now because it's past that stage. That doesn't mean you can't find good loyal caring people to be friends with... But finding a BFf that you known since middle school isn't possible.

 

Exactly. My mom home schooled denying me friends at all. I felt very isolated as a child and it has never gone away. I have a few friends but none Ive known for a very long time.

[Amelie1980]

There was a brief time I had everything I wanted. Good job, friends bf.

 

Then I got cheated on, my friend left the country for a few years and I got ill and then lost my job because of it.

 

I feel so sad that I have to build up what I one already had and was happy with.

[shoplocal]

**hugs**

 

Sorry you're hurting, Amelie. I'm similar to you, and I know how much it sucks. You take all the advice, do all the things you're supposed to do to be happy, etc, and you still feel empty because you're still alone. Personally, I haven't found a solution to this problem. But I do my best to cope!

 

When I'm feeling lonely and blue (like right now, actually), I examine the feeling, and try to find the root of it. Why exactly am I feeling sad in this particular moment? This is really hard at first, but eventually you learn how to get to the bottom of your feelings. Once there, I think about what I can do about the cause of my sadness, in the moment. Any action is helpful; I'm on LS right now because I'm feeling like I'll be alone forever, and thought that reading about other people's relationship issues would put my feelings in perspective.

 

The final step is to plan my next move. It's easy to lose track of time wallowing in sadness, so to prevent that sort of wastage, I plan out my next activity in detail. For example, if lunchtime is approaching, what am I the mood for? Where can I get it? How much will it cost? How will I pay? How will I get there? It's totally nitpicky, but focusing on the here and now is a great way to get out of a sad mood (for me, anyway).

 

As for the loneliness part, and feeling like you're rebuilding...well, you are. And that's hard work! I'm optimistic for you that if you could find a man and friends and a good job once, you can do it again. But between then and now, make yourself a plan B that you can actually live with, and begin putting that into action. In this way, you'll be fully living your life, and it's harder* for sadness to creep in when you're doing your thing fully.

 

*But not impossible, unfortunately. Sadness is part of life.

[sportygirl89]

One day I just became happy. I had been in a bad place for a couple months this summer and fall. Then my luck just shifted. One day yours will as well.

[ZA Dater]

A genuinely sad post to read. For what its worth I can identify with you to a certain extent.

 

I get by in life by making sure each do I try and do some form of good. At least then I feel like I matter and am helping others.

[Vilgefoz]

What am I supposed to do when I cant find happiness and contentment no matter what I try?

 

I am always alone and it is wearing me down.

 

Over the last few years I have tried, bikram yoga, ordinary yoga, adventure holidays, travelling with friends and alone, canoeing, membership to museums and art galleries, visiting sporting events, snorkeling, diving, dating, etc.

 

I have a highly skilled career. But still I am always by myself. Nothing sticks. I have loads of stories to tell and lots of things to talk about. But I always get left behind.

 

I don't really have anyone who cares about me in life.

 

Didn't read whole thread but I guess this post can be translated as "Why don't I have partner?".

 

Answer: You are a woman. Look.

 

Hint: buy a gym membership.

[Leucine]

I am pretty much in the exact same situation. And I've concluded that I've just had incredibly bad luck, because in the past I've had what I'm looking for now, and there's nothing wrong with me. Quite the opposite. I am obviously well-liked by my colleagues, but it doesn't stick. I'm almost certain that a part of the problem is that they look at me and think this guy surely has a lot going for him already, so they don't bother with getting too personal. While from my perspective, it's not working out because from time to time again I just can't force myself into the lives of people who have such a large and established social circle, even though I keep trying. I don't even have any close friends that I could just go out with and meet new people that way. I feel stuck, and people who have plenty of options wouldn't understand.

 

The wait for my luck to turn is wearing me down as well. It has not been uncommon for me to burst into tears home alone at night after having tried and failed yet again. I had a few dates last week with a girl from Tinder and it's actually looking more promising than anything else in a long while, but even still I'm going to have to wait for her busy life to cool down after Christmas, that I'm going to have little choice but to spend all alone.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 16, 2015 by Leucine

[TaraMaiden2]

It's very easy for people to come in and basically tell you to count your blessings and pull yourself together (in a nutshell).

 

But I look at it like this: If you were in constant pain from a serious back injury, you'd get a lot of practical advice on physiotherapy, medications, exercise and remedies which would be functional and effective.

 

When depression sets in, the advice is very well-intentioned, but because it's an unseen ailment, something nobody can tangibly directly affect - all advice is great, yeah, but "you don't get it".....

 

Three things I would say to you:

Remove yourself from toxic situations, even if it means separating from so-called supposed 'loved ones'.

 

There is nothing carved in stone which dictates you HAVE to remain connected to people who bring you down.

 

Secondly: Speak to your doctor about suffering from depression, and don't shy away from seeking counselling/therapy, and even temporary, non-addictive medication.

 

There is no shame in needing help, nor reaching out for it.

 

Thirdly, it IS true: We are authors of our own lives, and how we face adversity and deal with it, is our choice.

 

I suspect you've been throwing all these activities at your loneliness to try to beat it into submission, mask it, or conquer it.

You haven't done all these things out of the sheer joy, pleasure and unique possibility of being able to indulge in them.

 

"Maybe if I do <insert activity here> I will meet someone after all."

 

Alone and Lonely are often uncomfortable bedfellows, but they needn't be....

 

In any case, I'll not labour THAT point, because I think you need practical support and assistance from a professional.

 

And that's honestly ok.

Maybe a therapist will also help you to not be such a push-over when it comes to letting others off the hook....

[Amelie1980]

I did do the activities purely as I wanted to. It was only years later in retrospect i realised I didn't meet anyone doing them.

 

I have gym membership for years. ..again doesn't work. Dont meet guys.

 

Depression yes has been the big sticking point. That's relatively new. Only the last couple of years on and off. My family don't get it. Im cutting my brother out. I'm not even going to wish him happy Christmas.

 

Problem is therapy costs money and no job at the moment.

[ZA Dater]

As a side track I am not sure if this is a US centric thing but the way "get therapy" is trotted out here is somewhat disturbing to me.

 

How will therapy help someone like the OP who feels lonely, lonely is not a function of being depressed, its a function of simply having nobody around. I fail to see how people connect the dots between loneliness and depression.

 

Yes, one can cause the other but that does not appear to be the case here. Being unhappy is not a symptom of depression either, one takes ones circumstances and decides whether they make one happy.

 

Bottom line, a therapist is not going to make you feel any less lonely nor are they magically going to change you life and finally they certainly wont help you find a date either.

[Amelie1980]

As a side track I am not sure if this is a US centric thing but the way "get therapy" is trotted out here is somewhat disturbing to me.

 

How will therapy help someone like the OP who feels lonely, lonely is not a function of being depressed, its a function of simply having nobody around. I fail to see how people connect the dots between loneliness and depression.

 

Yes, one can cause the other but that does not appear to be the case here. Being unhappy is not a symptom of depression either, one takes ones circumstances and decides whether they make one happy.

 

Bottom line, a therapist is not going to make you feel any less lonely nor are they magically going to change you life and finally they certainly wont help you find a date either.

 

That is because the US trots out get therapy for everything.

 

Therapy might be appropriate if I had everything I wanted but was still miserable. But Im miserable because of bad circumstances in life. When circumstances in my life have been good ive not been miserable at all other than general ups and downs.

 

Therapy cant help me fix that.