Caught bf on dating site

[Jaded23]

I've been with my bf for 2 years. We live together. In the beginning things were great until I screwed up. I got really drunk at his cousins birthday where his ex of 4 years was. I have baggage with past exes being in love with their exes still. I convinced myself that he still had feelings for her and in my drunken state I think I tried to sabotage the relationship by flirting with another guy at the club in front of him. He stayed with me but things changed. He stopped doing so many sweet things and didn't put as much effort in. After months of that I spoke to him and told him my needs weren't being met. He changed for a couple of weeks and things went back to the way they were. After a few more months I screwed up again due to resentment and again flirted with guys in front of him.

 

This vicious cycle repeated again. After every flirtation of mine, I would find him on the same dating site we met on. I caught him twice. I forgave him since I screwed up too. He claimed he never met up with anyone and I believe him cuz he was always with me. He just wanted attention since he didn't think I really loved him.

 

Things got better until recently. We have been fighting all of the time the last few months. I have been resenting him because he has gotten lazy. He doesn't help around the house and never plans dates. He makes very little effort. We hardly had sex because I was always so mad and frustrated with him. Our anniversary was last month and he didn't even bother to get me a card or anything. That really hurt me and we had a long talk that night. I went out of town later that week and the morning I left I awoke to flowers and a card containing an apology for being a lousy bf. I came back and things were different. We had sex all week and he helped around the house without me asking. This past Monday I went to his work to bring him food. I was sitting there while he helped a customer and his phone was right by me. A text popped up that said "so how's work going babe? Still slow?" I was furious but somehow was able to act normal until we were in bed that evening. Told him about the text and asked who the hell was calling him babe. He admitted to going on OK cupid last month. He said he didn't feel attractive and that I wasn't giving him attention. I wasn't but he never bothered to ask me why. Instead he goes looking for validation online. I asked if she was the only one he was talking to and he said yes. He claimed he deleted the site. He apologized over and over again. He said he didn't think I loved him and he thought we were gonna break up when I returned from my trip. I thought the same of him.

 

My gut told me there was more to the story. Yesterday I asked again if he was sure he didn't have a profile and he insisted no. I put his username into the account while he watched and hit the reset password feature. Lo and behold I get into his disabled (not deleted) account . It said he was looking for friends but also said he was single and 4 years younger than he actually is. There were messages from July thru December 1st ! He messaged anything and everything, all races and ages. These girls were disgusting. Most of the messages were short and he used the same lines over and over which makes me believe he was just seeking attention but some messages he was asking if they wanted to grab a drink or coffee or whatever. He messaged someone the day after our anniversary after all the tears I shed that night. One message was to someone with a gross username like "talented tongue" or something and he asked what she could do with that tongue. Another was a message to a married whore that was looking for a three some. She did not respond but he messaged her like 3 more times anyway.

 

He claimed he never would have met up with any of them. I asked him to swear on his mother's life that he never would've met up with any of them and he just stared at me. I flipped out and told him to get his crap and leave. He started gathering some stuff and then I yelled at him for just leaving like that instead of apologizing and showing no emotion. He said there was nothing he could say to fix this. That he was a lying piece of crap and that there was no way I would ever forgive him, that he wouldn't forgive him if he was me. He said he was an immature prick who didn't know what he had.

 

Some how we end up talking for a few hours. I can't hate him because I messed up too many times and I started all of the problems. Turns out that through our actions neither of us thought the other loved us. And so we acted out. As stupid as it seems, I don't want to break up just yet. I suggested a break so we are going a month without contact. I told him he was free to date if thats what he wanted, just no sex. He hugged me for a long time and I saw him cry for the first time ever. He said he was so sorry and that words couldn't express the shame he felt. That if I still wanted to be with him at the end of this that he would try to make me the happiest girlfriend he's ever had.

 

Sorry for the length but I think the back story was necessary. Am I crazy to think that we stand a chance? If both of us are remorseful and willing to communicate better and try harder, can we get past this or is that wishful thinking?

[hippychick3]

I'm sorry. I don't see this working out in the end. As immature and childish as you acted (flirting), it doesn't come close to what he did. What he did constitutes cheating in my opinion. If not physical, emotional cheating. You will never be able to trust someone whose first reaction to feeling unloved and unwanted (give me a break) is to go on dating websites and try to hook up with anyone with a heartbeat.

 

This is not and never will be a healthy relationship.

[basil67]

You started all this because of your vindictiveness over an imaginary issue. Then when he was still hurt and recovering, you did it again because *your* needs weren't being met.

 

Instead of being strong and walking away from you, he was weak and lowered himself to your level of spite and lack of communication.

 

If the two of you couldn't communicate and behave well towards each other for all this time, why do you think it's going to be any different in the future? I think you should walk away from this mess.

[Space Ritual]

Welcome to adulthood,where every child was so excited to be when they grew up, only to find it would be much more fun to go right back to childhood and not have to worry about matters of the heart, or anything else.

 

I am afraid your relationship won't survive. It may for awhile, but it is nearing its end. Neither of you at this stage of your life have very good coping skills. But probably most of us on this forum don't either. Why would we be here in one degree or another? lol. It's not because we have so much awesomeness to unload upon the world. Well I take that back, there are actually a few dopes around here that think they are...sometimes I'm one of those dopes.

 

But I digress....

 

You should not have done what you did, but also he should have had the common sense of ending the relationship with you straight away instead of dragging it out by going on dating sites and trying the tit for tat route.

 

So what can you do?

Basically just work on yourself so you will be a safe person to be around in your next relationship. You cannot control his actions. He did what he did himself, so you can't be blamed for his going on dating sites.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself. Resentment and alcohol are a bad combination, but you are not the first person that has succumbed to them, and you won't be the last. Nor is your Boyfriend the first or last one to seek an ego stroke by going on a dating site.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Live and learn. Two wrongs do not make a right.

[cichlid]

You are way too dramatic for most guys, it's rather surprising that he put up with your antics for so long. He's done, he's just looking for an exit plan before he cuts the cord and I can't blame him.

[smackie9]

This immature acting out when you are upset is the very reason why he can no longer stay.

 

Next time, take a good hard look at your behavior and correct it. Maybe you shouldn't drink anymore either...it seems it brings out your insecurities.

[Jaded23]

This is pretty much what I expected to hear. Thanks for the comments. Special thanks to space ritual for not being judgmental. Your post was super helpful.

 

Not gonna lie . I was hoping to get just one reply saying that if we both know now the reasons things weren't working and we care enough, that we can make a fresh start. But that's why hearts are so stupid, right? They always hang on to the slightest bit of hope

[smackie9]

Unfortunately he is not the person you thought he was either. I think you dodged a bullet if this is the path he chooses to cope with a relationship that is need of rescuing.

[lakerman34]

So, I'm in a relationship, and I, too, am on a dating site. I do message girls, ask to hang out, but nothing to the extent of your boyfriend.

 

I am on the dating sites because my relationship is in the hole. I don't trust my girlfriend, she's shady, and I'm testing the waters. Just being honest with you. I love her to death, but I'm tired of being treated the way I am.

 

Now, am I looking to find a girl to bang? Absolutely not. I'm looking to go out for a coffee and just talk to a girl, see what happens. No pretenses. If coffee leads to a second coffee, leads to drinks, leads to dinner, and I find a girl that serves my needs and is more compatible with me, I will happily end my relationship with my current girlfriend. If things turn around with my girlfriend, I would be more than happy to close out my dating account.

 

With that being said, your boyfriend definitely feels the same way, but has taken it a step EVEN FURTHER. I'm not going to mince words with you, the relationship is over, it is up to YOU to just kill it at this point. Do yourself the favor...I'm strongly considering doing the same thing on my end.

Edited December 12, 2015 by lakerman34

[smackie9]

Wow just wow........wrong on so many levels.

[lakerman34]

Wow just wow........wrong on so many levels.

 

Eh, not as uncommon as you'd think, actually.

Relationships are messy. Many, many people leave relationships because they find someone better for them. We don't live in a cookie-cutter "it has to be THIS or THAT way" world.

 

As long as you are honest when emotions become involved. I don't think there is anything wrong with "seeing what happens." Life is a roller-coaster, push and pull, surprises everywhere. Friends may become lovers, lovers, enemies, and enemies friends. Be open to everything.

Edited December 12, 2015 by lakerman34

[Space Ritual]

This is pretty much what I expected to hear. Thanks for the comments. Special thanks to space ritual for not being judgmental. Your post was super helpful.

 

Not gonna lie . I was hoping to get just one reply saying that if we both know now the reasons things weren't working and we care enough, that we can make a fresh start. But that's why hearts are so stupid, right? They always hang on to the slightest bit of hope

 

 

My post being helpful is a rare occurrence here....I was in a good mood this morning so you got me on a good day. More often than not I am well meaning but kind of mean spirited only because I've made so many of the same mistakes that those who come here have made I just want to reach through the screen and shake people and tell them to wake up since it was so many years before I did. I suffered needlessly for it too, because I used to be a nice guy. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, nor have I ever considered it. However I have had my heart ripped out more times than I can count. It contributed to a lot of really poor behaviors later in life that I can never undo.

 

That is why I am such a proponent of ending relationships when these things pop up because I used to drag stuff out until the bitter end and the drama was always really low brow and the joke always was on me until I wised up.

 

So I know about the heart being stupid....

 

 

I hang out hope the Dallas Cowboys are not going to suck year after year....my heart always hangs on to that hope until about the 4th quarter of every game, then reality seems to set in...game after game...year after year now to the point where my only hope is that Jerry Jones' Lear jet will crash into the side of a mountain so Dallas can get a new owner...That's about as stupid as my heart gets these days.

 

Good luck Jaded, seriously work on being a better you. Even if you are alone or single for awhile as long as you are striving to better yourself then eventually the pieces will fall into place. Maybe not the way you expect, as there are no guarantees, but fall into place they will:)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Eh, not as uncommon as you'd think, actually.

Relationships are messy. Many, many people leave relationships because they find someone better for them. We don't live in a cookie-cutter "it has to be THIS or THAT way" world.

 

As long as you are honest when emotions become involved. I don't think there is anything wrong with "seeing what happens." Life is a roller-coaster, push and pull, surprises everywhere. Friends may become lovers, lovers, enemies, and enemies friends. Be open to everything.

 

 

 

Nobody questioned the rarity of such clueless justification of the absurd.

 

Doing the sorts of things you describe is the emotional equivalent to taking Viagra and going to your local strip club and sitting naked on the stage there, regardless of whether anybody mounts you during the evening. (* minus the "indecent exposure" charge you might get at the strip club)

 

The O.P. in this thread mostly created her own environment by being dedicated to her relationship to the tune of about 10 or 12% ... and that is just where you're at when effectively having your flag up on the emotional strip club stage, as you describe.

 

But you, and the O.P. are just going to get nothing more from life or relationships than what you're willing to give to them... so it doesn't impact the rest of us too much.

[Jaded23]

So, I'm in a relationship, and I, too, am on a dating site. I do message girls, ask to hang out, but nothing to the extent of your boyfriend.

 

I am on the dating sites because my relationship is in the hole. I don't trust my girlfriend, she's shady, and I'm testing the waters. Just being honest with you. I love her to death, but I'm tired of being treated the way I am.

 

Now, am I looking to find a girl to bang? Absolutely not. I'm looking to go out for a coffee and just talk to a girl, see what happens. No pretenses. If coffee leads to a second coffee, leads to drinks, leads to dinner, and I find a girl that serves my needs and is more compatible with me, I will happily end my relationship with my current girlfriend. If things turn around with my girlfriend, I would be more than happy to close out my dating account.

 

With that being said, your boyfriend definitely feels the same way, but has taken it a step EVEN FURTHER. I'm not going to mince words with you, the relationship is over, it is up to YOU to just kill it at this point. Do yourself the favor...I'm strongly considering doing the same thing on my end.

 

 

Why would you do this? Do you think it's fair to your gf to unknowingly be on the back burner while you're out looking for something better? If you don't trust her, then leave! How trustworthy are you by going behind her back and looking for a better relationship? I seriously don't understand this. Guys are such cowards. Things aren't just going to magically turn around with your gf, especially not with you going on dating sites. TALK to her for f*cKS sake! Put everything out on the table and make a decision.

[smackie9]

Eh, not as uncommon as you'd think, actually.

Relationships are messy. Many, many people leave relationships because they find someone better for them. We don't live in a cookie-cutter "it has to be THIS or THAT way" world.

 

As long as you are honest when emotions become involved. I don't think there is anything wrong with "seeing what happens." Life is a roller-coaster, push and pull, surprises everywhere. Friends may become lovers, lovers, enemies, and enemies friends. Be open to everything.

This says you have no empathy or regard for other people's feelings. It's a cowards way of doing things. I am not oblivious to this act of selfishness that some people have np doing. It takes all kinds yes.