Young wife seeks advice... Do I Stay or Go?

[SunnySG]

am sitting here in my living room - husband is upstairs - and I feel for you, I do... because my "situation" is slightly similar.

Here is why (I may cringe writing about myself....the truth hurts):

 

My husband is a great guy. He has his issues, of course which drive me crazy, and some quarks I am not able to overcome - BUT a great guy none-the-less.

We were married 3 1/2 years ago - I remember when he proposed (I was 22) and sitting there hesitating. But of course I said yes. We had our issues as an engaged couple, but the wedding went on as planned.

 

Before my husband, I dated 2 guys. Both within one year, and I was a virgin when I met my husband. I just wasn't "that kind of girl." Truthfully, I never really came out of my shell until after college (which my mom had predicted during the earlier years....). We were married and moved 1500 miles from my hometown. Built a home. Lived in it for 2 years, then moved the 1500 miles BACK to my hometown. My parents love, love, love my husband who is a full-time student (from which I also harbor a little resentment - as our problems get discussed continuously without my knowledge since they are usually together while I work). Since we moved back, we fight about everthing: his family, my family, sex (I am not sexually attracted to him anymore), the fact that he 'let himself go' since we moved back to town, his schooling - I can't even ask him what grades he's getting and he blows up, he isn't reliable (I once waited for him to show up at home to take me to a friends wedding; when he didn't show up after waiting 2 hours, I went to the wedding alone, missing everthing but the reception - turns out he went drinking with my older brother and "What's the big deal?") - it's laughable, really. However my husband LOVES me DEARLY.

 

We have no children.... and realistically, it's because I don't want to be tied down "just in case..."

 

But those are just surface issues....

 

For the past - oh, I'd say year - I have been constantly asking myself "Do I Really Love Him?" or am I just staying in this relationship because:

My parents love him

My parents invested a large amount of money in us

He has enourmous potential in his choosen field and I support us financially while he is in school

I am a people pleaser afraid of confrontation

I - in a way - feel responsible for his future

I crave the attention that I didn't have before? The attention that I don't get anymore from my husband - the sexual chemistry.... we haven't kissed kissed in... I can't remember when.

 

But here are the issues I'm dealing with similar to yours"

I have never cheated on my husband. But lately, I have run across "the boy next door" who I grew up with and had a terrible, terrible crush on from young on. We have bumped into each other in the oddest places. My heart races and I get nervous and flirty - I have NEVER been a flirt in the past. I flirt with this man.

I daydream about him in my car and will him to appear when I am in town doing errands/am at work. Rediculous. He has also admitted that I am the One That Got Away and I have to shake the feathers out of my brain to get control. I am not unrealistic: I don't even know if we have anything in common, if we're compatible (other than the underlined sexual tension) after not having seen each other all these years....

 

Again, this man entered my life AFTER my feelings began to change for my husband. Not as a catalsyt for the change.

 

But I wonder:

Am I ruining this marriage because I am talking myself out of it? We have been to a marriage retreat - and we fought 80% of the time when other couples were hugging and kissing.

Am I in this for me, or for everyone else? If something happened and he left tomorrow, I am not sure I would really... mind. I feel like a jerk, but I still don't know what I want.......

 

What do I make of this situation?

I am NOT asking about whether or not I should cheat - I would never do that. I am asking what to make of this situation I have really, if I'm being honest, I created. I have discussed this with my mother (no mention of the "Other guy") - about a possible seperation or divorce and she get's upset and says "You never finish anything." I don't have anyone to talk to .....

 

I clearly have issues.

[SunnySG]

Sorry if any of the sentences I wrote were confusing. Originally this post was a rely to someone elses post.... then I decided to start a thread with it. Sorry.

[ConfusedInOC]

Sunny,

 

Have you actually sat your husband down and talked about the underlying issues that are bothering you? He might love you dearly, but unless he KNOWS he could lose you because of his issues, he may never change. And if he did change, got himself in shape, gave you the love and affection you desired, would you want to stay married?

 

Did you say in your vows "Till death do us part.." ?? If you did, then I would suggest you start by reading "Love Must Be Tough." It deals with a lot of similar issues you are having. It sounds to me like you've let him cross your "line of respect" several times and since there are no repercussions, he keeps doing it.

 

What did you tell him when he didn't come pick you up for the wedding? Have you told him you aren't attracted to him anymore sexually because he let himself go?

 

I think if you try and talk to him and show him what will happen if he doesn't change, he just might whip himself back into shape. I think marriage deserves a fighting chance. If you just walk away now, could you hold your head up high and say to God "I did the best I could..." If not, then at least try and work it out so that if you do decide to leave him you will know in your heart you did all you could to save the marriage.

 

I am willing to bet if you sat him down and really let him have it with what is bothering you and told him if he didn't shape up you would be leaving (And be prepared to follow through), he would shape up quickly. Not sure if he would stay that way forever, but communicating what is really bothering each other, down to the nuts and bolts, is very key to any relationship.

 

Good luck.

[quankanne]

sounds like your husband is applying his easy-going, happy-go-lucky life as a student to life as a married man, and your natural response is to think of/daydream scenarios in which things work out more how you wish they would be. (I'll be married 13 years next month and I *still* do this when I'm upset or unhappy about something regarding DH, so please don't look at this as me being judgmental of you -- it's a normal human instinct thing, the wanting something to work out the way you'd like it to!)

 

my best advice is to get into some kind of couples counselling where both he and you find the tools to work on strengthening your marriage. Because from what you've written, it sounds like he's living life as a "married single": married, but pursue/doing things that are of interest of him and not y'all. And that's hard on any relationship.

 

when you're not happy with something or someone, your whole outlook changes; this something being your marriage makes it even harder because it's something you pretty much live and breathe because it's a lifestyle decision. Don't give up, but seriously consider getting the help your relationship needs to grow.

 

in the meantime, remember that even though y'alls relationship affects those around you, you and hubby are the key players, and y'all have to find something that mutually works without worrying so much about what your families will think or say. This is between you and him, period.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think some individual counseling will help you, where the 'couples retreat' failed you. I think that you are seeing this marriage as a trap, something in which you are stuck with no way out. There is nothing wrong with that. I think that you have fallen out of love with your husband. There is also nothing wrong with that. The problem is that you are faced with an overwhelming pressure from all sides: including inward - to stay in a marriage, and you are being led to believe that there must be something 'pathological' or 'wrong with you' for wanting out. Peers, parents, the community - they are working harder to keep you married in your mind than you are. And I expect you have put a lot of pressure on yourself as well, to try to force yourself to feel like you are "supposed to" - because after all I'm sure you care about him, and everyone involved has some stake in it. Should you walk out, I think you feel that you will be disappointing everyone - and you will be cutting yourself adrift with little or no support. A huge start-over point of uncertainty. That can be terrifying. So can standing up for yourself and how you feel. I think that individual counseling will help you unravel these conflicted emotions, and help you figure out if it is really 'out' (divorce or OM) that you want, or if there is some chance that you want to stay in: but with some compromises and changes. Should you just walk out, you could be taking some unresolved problems with you: ones that led to your walking out, but had little or nothing to do with your husband - and you'll find new relationships no more satisfying than the one you left. Once you are clear yourself - for the better or worse for the marriage, you can take that clarity in with you to some marriage counseling for you both.

[SunnySG]

My husband and I have discussed my feelings. He shurgs it off and assumes I am just blowing things out of proportion - in fact, he'll say something like "You're just saying that because you have your angry pajama's on. Haha." I have in fact told him that I wasn't sure my feelings were the same and he just shuts me out. He will say things like, "We're FINE, we're fine." and I'll say - "No, we're not fine because I am not comfortable being in this relationship the way it is. If I say we're not fine, and you say we're fine - THAT is a problem."

 

Also, when I said he 'let himself go' it didn't have anything to do with his weight. Before we moved back to my hometown he shaved everyday and got haircuts every other week. His clothes were pressed - he was maticulous. Now, he only shaves when I 'make him', he has ruined all his good clothes by wearing them to do things like... change the oil in my car or mow the lawn. He just doesn't care anymore. And I am not attracted to that physical slopiness - in anyone.

 

We talk about these things. I am a verbal person. I believe he thinks if he ignores the issues they will go away. Or that as long as my parents are in his corner, he's safe. And that's almost true to a point. Because like I said, they are CLOSE. In fact, I was still sleeping and he got out of bed and dressed and I asked, "Where are you going?" and he said "To your parents house - your mom needs some help today." I have told him that I am beginning to resent this relationship. He knows I get jealous and that I don't like him pitting them against me. I have walked out of their house after my mom or dad gets involved in our business. My husband welcomes it - I do NOT.

 

I am becoming a bitter, bitter 27 year old. I feel I am too YOUNG for this! What do I do when my husband thinks everything important to me is NO BIG DEAL? Because I won't get over the resentment and it's stewing slowly to a boiling point. Grabbing my hand and patting me on the head isn't the level of committment I am looking for, and I don't want my resentment to turn to hate. Honestly, I am halfway there.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Him shutting you out is a huge problem.

 

But you're not the only girl who has experienced this. And since we all have a type we go for (trust me, I *do* have a lot of dating experience) if you don't deal with this issue now, it is almost certain to come up again with the next person you're with. And the next. And the next...

 

Women typically communicate in a roundabout way, men more directly. He needs to get the message forcefully that you are thinking of leaving him. Either he works with you to save the marriage or you walk. You may think you are clearly communicating this, but you need to actually say the words.

 

Stewing is also a problem btw.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by SunnySG

My husband and I have discussed my feelings. He shurgs it off and assumes I am just blowing things out of proportion - in fact, he'll say something like "You're just saying that because you have your angry pajama's on. Haha." I have in fact told him that I wasn't sure my feelings were the same and he just shuts me out. He will say things like, "We're FINE, we're fine." and I'll say - "No, we're not fine because I am not comfortable being in this relationship the way it is. If I say we're not fine, and you say we're fine - THAT is a problem."

 

Then grab your bags and go stay with your parents for a week. See if that doesn't shake him up.

 

Also, when I said he 'let himself go' it didn't have anything to do with his weight. Before we moved back to my hometown he shaved everyday and got haircuts every other week. His clothes were pressed - he was maticulous. Now, he only shaves when I 'make him', he has ruined all his good clothes by wearing them to do things like... change the oil in my car or mow the lawn. He just doesn't care anymore. And I am not attracted to that physical slopiness - in anyone.

 

Have you told him that his sloppy demeanor is a turn off? I mean have you denied him sex because of this? You should if you haven't.

 

We talk about these things. I am a verbal person. I believe he thinks if he ignores the issues they will go away. Or that as long as my parents are in his corner, he's safe. And that's almost true to a point. Because like I said, they are CLOSE. In fact, I was still sleeping and he got out of bed and dressed and I asked, "Where are you going?" and he said "To your parents house - your mom needs some help today." I have told him that I am beginning to resent this relationship. He knows I get jealous and that I don't like him pitting them against me. I have walked out of their house after my mom or dad gets involved in our business. My husband welcomes it - I do NOT.

 

Then you need to tell your parents what is going on, how you feel and ask they support you. So what if they love him? If he's not respecting you and listening to you, your parents are doing YOU a disservice.

 

I am becoming a bitter, bitter 27 year old. I feel I am too YOUNG for this! What do I do when my husband thinks everything important to me is NO BIG DEAL? Because I won't get over the resentment and it's stewing slowly to a boiling point. Grabbing my hand and patting me on the head isn't the level of committment I am looking for, and I don't want my resentment to turn to hate. Honestly, I am halfway there.

 

Read "Love Must Be Tough." That's a start. Then set a boundary, IE "If you don't clean yourself up, if you don't start respecting my needs, if you keep blowing me off, I am walking out the door...." and have a bag ready.

 

I would definitely talk to your parents, let them know how you feel. Your parents could actually help your situation out a lot if you let them. I know they might love the guy but if they knew how you felt and you asked them to support you, I am sure they would.

 

Good luck. You're in a tough pickle but remember the wedding vows. Give it your best effort before walking away.

[Erratic]

I am currently in a similar situation, however I am the guy in my scenario. I stay groomed and do not ruin good clothes, but my attitude toward the relationship and most other problems is to ignore them and they will eventually go away. My wife feels very much so like SunnySG, I actually printed this thread to show her and she could completely relate to how you feel.

 

She tried for a very long time to get my attention and make me understand we had serious issues. Looking back on things I think that I realized there were problems but chose to ignore them because I was not overally concerned with the out come because I was unhappy as well. As the severity and recurrence of the problems increased I began to slowly (very slowly) come around. Near the end of last year we had a very serious discussion about separating. We agreed that we would try and work out our problems. A few weeks later my wife went out of town without me for a few days. When she got back I found out she met someone else while on her trip. Now 6 months later I am ready to walk out and she wants to stay.

 

The reason for this is that I spent 4 going to therapy and addressing all of the problems that we had, even while she continued to talk to the OM. She refused marriage counseling and continues to talk to the OM. Recently I discovered evidence that they have had sex and even though he is 1000 miles away that they have managed to see each other on ocassion. Now that I have said I want a divorce she has had a change of heart and seems to really want me back because I have changed and feel 10x better about myself.

 

Now that she wants me back I feel that she has already lied to me about so many things that I can't trust her. If she was so serious about making this work why would she not stop talking to the OM? Even if things don't work out between us if she truly wanted to wouldn't she be willing to give him up to at least try?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Erratic

If she was so serious about making this work why would she not stop talking to the OM? Even if things don't work out between us if she truly wanted to wouldn't she be willing to give him up to at least try?

 

Yes, her giving up the OM should be a precondition for you getting back together. But if she's willing to do this, I suggest you give her a second chance.

 

As I said above, all of us have a pattern of our behaviour and a type of person we go for. If you don't sort out the issues with this person, you will almost certainly have them with the next.

[Erratic]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Yes, her giving up the OM should be a precondition for you getting back together. But if she's willing to do this, I suggest you give her a second chance.

How long should I be willing to wait? She has been talking to this guy for almost 6 months. I have told her repeatedly as has our friends and families that the OM needs to go before their is any chance of our marriage to work...if any. As much as I tried, I felt that I got no where until I was ready to leave. Now that I am ready to leave she expects forgiveness for her actions and belittles me by continuing her relationship with the OM, while expecting us to work on our marriage. This is not a situation where having a plan B is exceptable.

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo ]

As I said above, all of us have a pattern of our behaviour and a type of person we go for. If you don't sort out the issues with this person, you will almost certainly have them with the next.

 

I have my share of problems granted and I recognize that. Yes, I agree that I will most likely end up with someone with similar habits. However, I have come to terms with my problems and have addressed everyone of them head on. I do the best I can to not hold back when I have something to say to any one. If I'm angry I calm myself down and wait until I can be rational with whom ever I convinced myself to get angry. No matter what happens with my marriage or future relationships, the event that caused this chain reaction to occur has been resolved and I am much more able to recognize if it starts and I am no longer affraid to deal with it.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Erratic

How long should I be willing to wait?

 

Well, my suggestion would be to get on with life straight away and make it clear that she has to come back to you if and when she is willing to give up other man. But tell her you're getting on and not gonna hang around.

 

Since you're probably not ready to date straight away, this gives her a window of opportunity to get back with you. But don't wait for her either - carry on as if she is never coming back.

 

Hope this doesn't sound harsh - I mean it for your good.

 

 

This is not a situation where having a plan B is exceptable.

 

You are so right.

 

 

However, I have come to terms with my problems and have addressed everyone of them head on.

 

Good for you! Be aware that old habits die hard.

[Erratic]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Well, my suggestion would be to get on with life straight away and make it clear that she has to come back to you if and when she is willing to give up other man. But tell her you're getting on and not gonna hang around.

 

Since you're probably not ready to date straight away, this gives her a window of opportunity to get back with you. But don't wait for her either - carry on as if she is never coming back.

 

Hope this doesn't sound harsh - I mean it for your good.

I'm not sure if you misunderstood me or if I am misunderstanding you. I have moved on with my life her affair started in January, I found out near the end of the month. I tried to fix things from when I found out until end of April at which point I decided to move on. She has stayed at our house off and on during the whole thing. Nothing sexual when she stayed, just didn't want to stay with her parents or her friends and sometimes she just wanted to be at the house. Since the beginning of May she has been staying at her parents, because after a long talk we agreed that we should separate. I explained to her that this would lead to divorce because I was done waiting, she still left. Now at the beginning of June she has changed her mind she wants to come home and work things out, however I do not want to because I feel that I have started to move on and even with her change of heart she continues to talk to the OM on a daily bases. She will not stop talking to him until I change my mind back to wanting her again. The delma I'm in now is that I really don't miss her all that much and I can not seem to get passed what has happened and continues to happen. We are still going to go to marriage couseling but I am not going into thinking I want this to work any more. My attitude is not negative toward the couseling it is just not real positve (hope this makes sense).