Am I just getting in deeper?

[Confusedwman1981]

First of all I know I am wrong for having sex with a married man. I have trust and commitment issues. At least with him there is no illusion that I am the only one. And I am just not into the work and constant companionship of a relationship. I honestly have no idea what we are. I don't consider myself his mistress because we do not confess or display affection to each other. And money and gifts aren't exchanged. No dates or spending time together outside of the work place. We take breaks together and when work is done we hangout and talk, watch movies on our phones together. Or simply seating in the same room in silence playing on our own phones. We simply have sex and talk about our lives and give each other advice and support. He says he doesn't flirt with me like he does others he just acts with me. It's been 6 yrs. of having sex 99% at work only during work hours. We both work a lot. His wife works at the same place. Just a different shift. Therefore I see and spend more time with him than his wife. He says she's usually asleep when he gets home and he's works every other weekend same as me.

Two years ago we stopped using condoms at his request. This was the time I had stopped seeing another guy he knew about. He was purely for sex because at this time married man pulled away from me. After he confessed he was feeling things for me he shouldn't. I told him I cared for him but nothing beyond that. And that his family should always come first. Our what ever it is couldn't effect his home. I always told him we would be done when I found someone I truly liked and wanted to pursue a real relationship with. He told me his wife accused him of cheating. I said how I don't call you and we don't see each other out of work. I asked him was he acting different and he said no.

We had agreed at the start to end things if feelings got involved, rumors at work, his wife knew about me or he felt I was trying to expose him or I got a boyfriend. Now 6 yrs later....rumors about him always being in my Dept.,looking at me and concerned about my whereabouts have been heard. A few people say they think he has a crush on me. One of these gossiping coworkers introduced me to his wife. I said a quick hello and walked off not paying her any attention. Said I wanted to meet her. A lie cause I told married man I made a point to not know who his wife was. And the times I've seen them together I made a point to not look at her. And I honestly can see her and not know who see is. But his wife said she felt weird about his coworker wanting to introduce her to me. And asked him a lot of questions about me.

I told him with that happening and the rumors maybe it was timing for us to quit. He got upset and said it was because I wanted one of the many guys that flirt and trying to get with me at work. I told him no not it. That there was no one and he had been the only one for the past two years. I've dated but no sex. He said we just had to more careful.

Now the past two months he is constantly asking and accusing me of cheating on him. If I have a bruise he wants to know were it came from and says someone gave it to me. If I leave work early he calls me and asks why. A week ago I was driving home from work on the phone with him. I forgot to put my seatbelt on so the car dinged to remind me. He thought I was getting out of the car and asking where and why I was stopping if I said I was going home. He insists we are just friends with benefits. And he feelings nothing for me.

Sex wise he started taking viagra and actually looks up positions and sex facts to please me. He is constantly asking me if I am satisfied and do I still like our sex and want him. FYI he is awesome!!! Since we don't use condoms and I am on birth control we also use the pull out method. But the last 4 times he hasn't pulled out fully quick enough. I asked him what's wrong why all off a sudden he doesn't have the timing down. He just said he doesn't know.

Last night we both worked really late along with some fellow coworkers. A male coworker walked me out to my car. Which happened to be the same place he parked too. I didn't know. When I was already in my car the coworker passed him going to his own car. My married man asked him what he was doing and my coworker (who is always joking about me and him ****ing cuz he is single and my age) said he walked me out to get his goodnight kiss and hug. As soon as they walked away from each other he was calling me telling me what the coworker said. And asking me if it was true. And why did I ask him to walk me out when I could have waited for him. I told him I didn't ask he offered and I didn't know he parked over there. And it would look suspicious if I insisted that I wait for him. He then told me the other guy wants me. That the other guy is always staring at me and talking about us having sex. I told him our coworker was just playing and talks like that to everyone. He told me if I'm cheating on him it's easy to find out. And he will find out. I told him no need I'll tell him because we are temporary and I know he doesn't care and just wants to make sure he doesn't take anything home. He told me about one of his friends getting HIV from cheating. He just found out a few days ago so I it scares him with me being single. I told him I understand and asked if he wanted to quit. He was quiet for a second and said no. I told him if he didn't trust me then stop seeing me.

He said he didn't want to and he didn't want to go back to condoms. But that I needed to stop playing and joking around with the guys at work. So they wouldn't think it was ok to talk and joke about sex with me. And hug me and that I shouldn't walk and follow them to areas I have no reason to be in to talk to them. Cause how would I feel if I saw him following behind a female.

I just don't know what happened in the last few months. He was never like this before. And this is the first time I'm not dating or even talking to another man. The last 5 months it's been solely him cause I've been to busy. I don't know if it's just possessiveness over his plaything or its real feelings. I've asked him and he won't give me an answer. I am not good with feelings. He is confusing the hell out of me.

[Sparta]

Well first off it amazes me how you have complete disregard for that man's wife. And their marriage and if they have kids like it's no big deal. Means nothing to you you don't have a problem with keeping up a lie that's been going on for more than 6 years. I understand you had a deal with MM. That It's just sex. And you also know that his wife has her suspicions. Us (BS's) that have been through this agony knowing we have been betrayed... The aftermath of dealing with and picking up the pieces. Can only understand what she's going through.

 

OK that being said, you want help because you're MM has developed feelings, is acting irrational in the workplace, acting jealous. And you want some direction on how to handle this. Or you're just venting.? Well I hope you understand that in the near future this is going to blow up in your face and I think you know this. If I was you I would Cut off the relationship. Inform the BS get into see a counselor who has really deep dark seated issues you need to deal with.

[ladydesigner]

This whole situation does not seem to benefit you OP. Many MM get jealous when their OW starts dating on the side so his jealousy is not surprising, actually makes him a hypocrite!

[Lois_Griffin]

Honestly, what's so 'confusing' about a selfish, lying cheater who is too damned selfish to use condoms and is worried about losing his good thing on the side? It's ALL about his d*ck. Jesus.

 

Nothing confusing there at all.

[anika99]

Besides sex, what are you getting out of this set up. You talk as if you're all nonchalant and MM is the one with the feelings but I don't think you're being honest with yourself. Otherwise why in the world would you waste so much time trying to appease the MM or cater to his jealousy? He's got some nerve accusing you of cheating when he's married and doesn't have anything of substance to offer you anyways. You probably would have met someone better for you a long time ago if you weren't tied up with this cheater.

 

Why care if he has feelings or not? He's still married and isn't offering you anything. Why are you letting him decide if condoms are used or not? You said something about him flirting with others so what makes you so sure that he's not a risk? If you really are just seeing him for the sex then you don't have to explain yourself to him, ever. The next time he starts his possessive crap, remind him that he is married and you owe him nothing and he has absolutely no say in your life. Then start using condoms because you have no ownership of him either.

 

Actually it would be even better if you just stopped seeing him before this blows up into some horrible workplace drama. Out of the three of you, meaning you, the MM, and the BW, you will be the outcast, the skank with no morals and the home wrecker. The BW will get sympathy and the MM will be excused as just being a man who fell victim to temptation, but you will be seen as the one most as fault, the one who should have known better. People will empathize with the BW while they think any hurt you have is deserved. You have a chance to get out before this turns really ugly. If I were you I would take that chance and put a stop to this.

[Popsicle]

My xMM acted crazy jealous too, and I wasn't seeing anyone and never talked about any guys. I think affairs just make people delirious, period.

 

By the way, you are smart to remain level-headed about this A in knowing that it can't ever go anywhere, and even smarter to inform him of this fact whenever he goes off the rails. Good job.

[Ms. Faust]

If I was in a strictly FWB situation and he started acting like that I would cut him off, friendship and all. No point trying to figure that nonsense out for just a lay. There are many men out there, who are just as skilled in the sack.

 

If you truly are as indifferent to him as you are trying to present to us then you are wasting your time wondering.

[Ruffian1]

Gee, where can I find a job like that. Get to hang out, watch movies and have sex. Bet this guy primps before going to work. A good motivation to go to your job for sure, lol.

 

 

Not sure what your question is. The way I see it . . Your HIS side piece. He knows you have no problem having sex with co-workers, married or not and he already told you he is worried about catching a disease from you.

 

 

He wants you to just have sex with him.

 

 

It's a control thing too.

 

 

And don't think people at work don't know what is going on.

 

 

Question: You said he takes Viagra, is he much older than you?

Does he need it?

 

 

What was your problem again?

 

 

Just remember every R has it's issues, even a casual sex at work relationship.

 

 

 

Do you want him to have feeling for you? I am sure he has feeling for you, a whole bunch of different kinds of feelings.

 

 

Mistrust being a big one. He seems like a dog that wants to mark his territory but can't cuz he is married.

 

 

If you are tired of him acting all jealous, just dump him get with another co worker who knows to behave better.

 

 

What do you want from this guy, besides sex?

 

 

Does it work, the pushing his BS out of your mind thing? I am guessing it does help you since it is going on 6 yrs.

 

 

Probably not a health thing to do though, you are not dealing with reality, she does exist and she is a person with emotions and feeling.

[Popsicle]

If I was in a strictly FWB situation and he started acting like that I would cut him off, friendship and all. No point trying to figure that nonsense out for just a lay. There are many men out there, who are just as skilled in the sack.

 

If you truly are as indifferent to him as you are trying to present to us then you are wasting your time wondering.

 

That's the thing. Neither of them are truly indifferent. They just try to be.

[Popsicle]

Yeah what's up with him taking viagra? How old are you both?

[Popsicle]

It IS kind of funny that you have sex at work. Lol

 

What kind of job is that????

[sandylee1]

You are getting in deeper. I think it's time to pull the plug on this affair before a DD happens. His wife is suspicious for a reason... he won't realise that he's acting differently.. but he is. You will be called all horrible names if this gets out at work. To have an affair with a MM in the same place his wife works.

 

You don't want to see her..to realise you are hurting a real human being. ... that's how you compartmentalise in affairs.... just end it.... or your life could become a living hell at work.

[Confusedwman1981]

That's the thing. Neither of them are truly indifferent. They just try to be.

I am 33 and he is 49. I don't think he needs if but he is self conscious. A male coworker told me he asked about viagra cause he couldn't get and keep and erection with his wife. And when he did he couldn't orgasm. I never experienced these problems with him. He told this coworker it had been going on 2 years. The same time we stopped using condoms and increased the amount of sex we had to 2-3 times a week. Up from once every two weeks or sometimes months without any sex. He started using viagra 2 months ago but not every time.

[Confusedwman1981]

Gee, where can I find a job like that. Get to hang out, watch movies and have sex. Bet this guy primps before going to work. A good motivation to go to your job for sure, lol.

 

 

Not sure what your question is. The way I see it . . Your HIS side piece. He knows you have no problem having sex with co-workers, married or not and he already told you he is worried about catching a disease from you.

 

 

He wants you to just have sex with him.

 

 

It's a control thing too.

 

 

And don't think people at work don't know what is going on.

 

 

Question: You said he takes Viagra, is he much older than you?

Does he need it?

 

 

What was your problem again?

 

 

Just remember every R has it's issues, even a casual sex at work relationship.

 

 

 

Do you want him to have feeling for you? I am sure he has feeling for you, a whole bunch of different kinds of feelings.

 

 

Mistrust being a big one. He seems like a dog that wants to mark his territory but can't cuz he is married.

 

 

If you are tired of him acting all jealous, just dump him get with another co worker who knows to behave better.

 

 

What do you want from this guy, besides sex?

 

 

Does it work, the pushing his BS out of your mind thing? I am guessing it does help you since it is going on 6 yrs.

 

 

Probably not a health thing to do though, you are not dealing with reality, she does exist and she is a person with emotions and feeling.

 

 

 

He pursued me because I do not flirt and I am seen as an indifferent. Many coworkers have flirted and propositioned me. I turn them down and even slapped one who was disrespectful. Even though I am 15 yrs. younger I am a supervisor in my Dept. I make more money than him. I am seen as the mouthy,single, childless independent woman that many male coworkers says needs a man to put me in my place. I only want sex I don't have time or desire for a relationship.

[purplesorrow]

I am 33 and he is 49. I don't think he needs if but he is self conscious. A male coworker told me he asked about viagra cause he couldn't get and keep and erection with his wife. And when he did he couldn't orgasm. I never experienced these problems with him. He told this coworker it had been going on 2 years. The same time we stopped using condoms and increased the amount of sex we had to 2-3 times a week. Up from once every two weeks or sometimes months without any sex. He started using viagra 2 months ago but not every time.

 

Maybe his guilt is getting to him when he's with his wife. If he's sharing that with a coworker, they probably also know he's having sex with you.

[sandylee1]

Why don't you get an unmarried FWB and avoid any drama with your name being slung like mud. I'm sure there are no end of guys who have no desire for commitment or a lady they have to spend money on.. wining and dining.

 

If you don't care about what people say.. then carry on as you are. You seem proud of your supervisory post.. but when people start speculating that you slept your way there or that you use your position to have sex with men.. I'm sure you won't like it. It doesn't have to be true.. and you can say he's been the only one.. but people won't care... that you've had one is enough to call you all sorts from a cheap wh*** to a lunchtime c**dumpster..... avoid that by stopping this affair.

[CloudyHead]

You need to end the relationship. You are choosing a life that revolves around him. He is so much in your head. I bet you are not interested in other men because of him (great sex!). I bet you compare all other men to MM. His calls to you are not because he cares about you. He is controlling you.

 

You need to take your life back. Dump him. Don't settle for him.

[Lady2163]

Yikes! Are you able to take a step back and maybe go away for a long weekend or something? Someplace where you are inaccessible?

 

Because the bottom line is: he isn't treating you right. He has to put forth minimal effort and maintenance and he gets great sex. He should NOT be allowed to be that jealous and possessive. Because he cheats, he has it in the back of his mind you cheat as well - or try to cheat. He just doesn't want the best for you. In a sense, he is totally sabotaging you and I don't know if you see that.

 

It amazes me how lazy (for lack of a better word) men are with the OW. They seem to think all they have to bring to the party is their penis. You aren't his mistress, you are his sports screw.

 

The MM and I played baby roulette way, way too many times. I was too old for most forms of birth control (and an on-again, off-again smoker). I did reach the age where I opted for a tubal ligation. Too old to have a baby, too many years until menopause.

 

A 49 year old man should have more control if pulling out is desired. You should know that really isn't a reliable form of birth control, so I hope you are diligent with your other method. I can't help but wonder if he is trying to get you pregnant. While that brings on a whole host of problems, chances are you would be tied to him. It can severely limit your ability to date. It can pretty much nuke all your free time and financial resources.

 

Just step back and put yourself first. I don't know if the job you're in is a career or not. If this has the potential to be a career, then send some time focusing on that. All too often shift manager positions are merely jobs that pay a pittance more and put the responsibility on someone else's shoulder to cover the shift or do the work if someone doesn't show up. If you have had this job for more than a year, you may be able to find another supervisory job in a different industry.

[Popsicle]

I think you should find a single FWB.

[anika99]

So your MM confided in a male coworker about his marital woes and that same male coworker turned around and told you. Why would he go running to you with stories about the MM's sex life? Why did he think you needed to know? Why would you even listen to someone betray a coworkers confidence? You are catering to the demands of a married cheating employee, ie, no talking or flirting with other men, no condoms, yet you think you are a strong independent woman. You are having sex at work and discussing the MM's sex life with other coworkers yet you think nobody suspects that you and the MM are fooling around. I think you are in lala land.

 

 

I am 33 and he is 49. I don't think he needs if but he is self conscious. A male coworker told me he asked about viagra cause he couldn't get and keep and erection with his wife. And when he did he couldn't orgasm. I never experienced these problems with him. He told this coworker it had been going on 2 years. The same time we stopped using condoms and increased the amount of sex we had to 2-3 times a week. Up from once every two weeks or sometimes months without any sex. He started using viagra 2 months ago but not every time.

[eye of the storm]

This is a strange (to me) workplace. Sex in the office. People hitting on others. People actually hitting others. The HR dept and the workplace training in this office needs some serious revamping. (The movies and constantly on the phone happens here during down time so that is not odd to me.)

 

And what kind of environment is it ever ok for a co-worker to say "you need a man to put you in your place"?! You say you are a supervisor? That kind environment comes from a place of weak leadership. You might want to take some classes on how to lead and create a better team environment. (and I say this as the only female in my workplace)

 

As to the AP. If you want to continue it, continue it. But everyone in your office knows you are having an A. And they all know who with. Otherwise, coworkers would not be discussing his Viagra use, his sex with his wife, or trying to introduce you to the W so they can see the fireworks. He will continue to act the way he does. So if it truly bothers you, end it. The sex without condoms...you say you stopped at his request. Did you two discuss the ramifications of an unplanned pregnancy? I personally would not tolerate the jealousy from someone cheating on their W.

[Ms. Faust]

Sorry, but I am going to call embellishment on the OP: she slapped one of her subordinates? How is she not fired? Or reprimended? She only wants sex and no relationship and yet is posting here with a thread title "am I just getting in deeper"?

 

Good lord, break it off and be done. Simple as that. You want sex and no relationship? That's what Tinder, PoF, Craigslist is for. You want a MM FOR NSA sex? Ashley Madison. If you really don't care you've wasted time on this thread alone.

Edited December 15, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[Confusedwman1981]

No one knows about us. Other women flirt and talk dirty with him and he reciprocates because he is a typical Mexican man and says only gay men won't. But with me no flirting what so ever. And is quick to remind other men not to because it's disrespectful and they should show me respect like he does. I have a dirty mouths during sex and even then he doesn't. I questioned him about flirting with others and not me. He said i' m different they get talk and with me he wants to act and can't touch me without wanting to keep going. That same male coworker he confided in walked me to my car one late night. Didn't know my mm was parked in same spot. Coworker said he was jealous when he passed him. MM told him you don't think people are watching but people see . You got your hands all over each other. (Not true didn't touch at all) what happened? I laughed and said he's just playing with you. He said no I know when someone is serious and he's eyes got big and he was talking loud. He was seriously jealous. What did you do to him? I said ah he's crazy you know I don't pay attention to him half the time. He said yeah but he is you. So people think it is a one sided crush at most. And everyone thinks that he is too scared of his wife to follow thru with cheating. The men say it really has to be what he wants and worth it in his eyes to risk his family.

[purplesorrow]

No one knows about us. Other women flirt and talk dirty with him and he reciprocates because he is a typical Mexican man and says only gay men won't. But with me no flirting what so ever. And is quick to remind other men not to because it's disrespectful and they should show me respect like he does. I have a dirty mouths during sex and even then he doesn't. I questioned him about flirting with others and not me. He said i' m different they get talk and with me he wants to act and can't touch me without wanting to keep going. That same male coworker he confided in walked me to my car one late night. Didn't know my mm was parked in same spot. Coworker said he was jealous when he passed him. MM told him you don't think people are watching but people see . You got your hands all over each other. (Not true didn't touch at all) what happened? I laughed and said he's just playing with you. He said no I know when someone is serious and he's eyes got big and he was talking loud. He was seriously jealous. What did you do to him? I said ah he's crazy you know I don't pay attention to him half the time. He said yeah but he is you. So people think it is a one sided crush at most. And everyone thinks that he is too scared of his wife to follow thru with cheating. The men say it really has to be what he wants and worth it in his eyes to risk his family.

 

He doesn't think he's risking his family because he thinks he won't get caught. For someone who claims nsa sex, you keep making arguments as to why you're special. Why is that?

[Confusedwman1981]

He doesn't think he's risking his family because he thinks he won't get caught. For someone who claims nsa sex, you keep making arguments as to why you're special. Why is that?

 

I'm not special and I told him that too. When he tried to imply it. I am simply different. I give him something he thinks he's missing at home. He says he's not missing anything. I told him then it's the type of sex we have and bring out of each other. He has tried to make me jealous and my possessiveness flares for a brief moment but I remember who I'm dealing with. I told him I can't be jealous over what belongs to someone else. And that when I find a man a truly want I'll end it with him. Because I'm not gonna lie or cheat to my man. A hypocrite I know! Problem is we started when his wife was out of the country for a year. We got into a routine I honestly thought it would end when she returned but we just adapted. And a lot of me staying with him is comfort. I was extremely overweight when we started. Since then I have lost over 200lbs. A part of me feels like he saw me and wanted me back then. And now all the male attention I get is because of the new body. So no I'm not special just like he's not special we are just comfortable. He has asked me if he where divorced would I marry him and I told him no I'm never getting married and to stop asking questions we know aren't gonna happen.