Broke up with gf over religion, now second guessing

[Jefezen]

I'm an American Jewish male, she's a Shia Muslim Iranian female. While Jewish identity is extremely important to me, I'm mostly secular, only observing major holidays. Islam is extremely important to her identity. She's still a virgin at 30. She keeps halal. She fasts during Ramadan. She sets her alarm clock for 5:30am for the call to prayer, which she performs by unfurling her carpet, putting on her hijab, and reciting the relevant Quranic verses.

 

She is beautiful inside and out. She's warm, sweet, charming, doting, cozy, affectionate, and thoughtful. She has cute idiosyncrasies and an endearing child-like mischevious streak, in a fun way. Physically, she's a 10, gorgeous with incredible hair, a pretty face, and the tall, slender physique of a model. She dresses in a classy, elegant Westernized manner. Walking down the street with her, arm in arm, guys would look at me with envy.

 

We never fought about anything. We got along well, enjoyed each other's company, and were very comfortable. She accepted my health and physical deficiencies, where others would dump me upon learning of them. I could talk to her about anything. She was accommodating, supportive, kind.

 

Intimacy was okay. Due to my health situation, I wasn't looking for sex right away anyway. We would make out and touch each other playfully. Her breasts are small (shallow, I know), and her posterior smaller than I ordinarily like (also shallow, I know), but there was nothing bad about the intimacy, it was just sort of average. I could take it or leave it. I didn't harbor the fiery, lustful passion, but objectively I know that she's physically attractive nonetheless, which made me feel good about myself.

 

Last month, I started thinking about marriage. I'm 33, I want to settle down, I want to have kids. I asked her point blank what her Muslim family back in Iran thought of me and whether they would be okay with a Jewish son-in-law. She said they were fine with it. I was skeptical because her father had always been described to me as an observant Muslim who keeps halal, fasts, meets with imams, prays on the carpet multiple times per day, etc. She said he just wants her to be happy. I asked if he understood that I would not be converting to Islam for her, something I had indicated when we first started dating. (The Quran has been interpreted by 99.9% as prohibiting Muslim females from marrying non-Muslim males). She said he understands and accepts it. Supposedly, he asked his imam friends in Iran who claimed it would be frowned upon, but not prohibited. I was skeptical of this as well. I asked how she would feel about raising Jewish children. She said the first one could be Jewish, but that the others would choose their religion. I asked if her father would be okay with Jewish grandchildren, and she said he would be, as long as they're raised to believe in G-d. I initially found this encouraging.

 

Last weekend, I was thinking more about marriage. I started researching the laws in Iran and became extremely nervous. Based on Sharia law, Article 1059 states that it is a crime for a non-Muslim man to marry a Muslim woman. This is punishable by death. Another provision said that the only valid marriages in Iran (where at least one party is a Muslim) are Islamic marriages, and that the absence of an Islamic marriage renders any civil marriage void, and the relations from that illicit marriage tantamount to adultery, also punishable by death. Furthermore, the only Islamic marriages recognized by Iran are those conducted by Shia clerics in Iran, or at Iranian embassies. An Islamic wedding certificate from a rogue progressive imam willing to officiate an interfaith wedding (of which there are very few, and only in Western countries) would not be accepted.

 

I became terrified. Although we would be living in the United States, she would want to travel back and forth to her home country to visit family and show the kids her homeland. To me, this would be extremely dangerous. I explained this to her, and she told me that I was paranoid, that plenty of Iranian women marry non-Muslim men, that I shouldn't believe the media narrative, that in practice the severe punishments are seldom enforced. I pointed out that she had no way of really knowing whether the other Iranian women had their Western husbands convert to Islam, if not in name only, to ensure their safety. She responded that most probably do, but that she would never ask me to convert, even though it's a quick, easy process of repeating a couple of lines.

 

The notion of converting to Islam, or leaving Judaism at all, shakes me to the core. I could never willingly do it, and even though she maintained that she wouldn't make me, I kept concocting scenarios in my head where her family would start pressuring me, rightly pointing out that I would be putting her at risk otherwise. I started envisioning all kinds of dangers. What if a friend, relative, neighbor, anyone found out about the illicit marriage and told the government authorities? What would happen if she wants to bring kids with American citizenship? Wouldn't that be flagged for questioning? I told her these fears and she said that I was overanalyzing. She mentioned how she has various secular family members who don't follow anything, and that I shouldn't picture them as fanatics. She offered to have me talk to a secular aunt. I told her that all it takes is one person to say something to the government. She said people mind their own business in Iran, and that none of this would be a problem.

 

For the next three nights, I had this horrendous anxiety that manifested in nausea, heartburn, and sleepless nights. My gut instinct was telling me to run. I talked to friends, including non-religious Iranian Muslims, who seemed skeptical that someone observant enough to set the alarm clock for 5:30am prayer would endorse a secular marriage, and that her observant parents would support it.

 

I also talked to my secular Jewish parents and somewhat religious Jewish friends who told me that fear aside from what might happen in future travels to Iran, what about the risk children choosing Islam? Their mother would be more conspicuously religious than me with her daily prayers, Ramadan fasts, halal dietary restrictions, and Arabic suras posted on bookshelves. The kids would inevitably mimic their mother, or at least ask her about Islam, even if we were in agreement about raising kids Jewish. There would be a constant undercurrent of tension and competition. What about when the grandparents would visit from Iran for lengthy stays? The kids would have even more exposure to Islam. What might happen when I'm not around? Would they convert the kids? Take them to mosque?

 

I was in total panic mode. My heart felt like it would leap out of my chest. For three straight nights, I visited my girlfriend and discussed these fears repeatedly, and ad nauseum. She kept telling me to stop worrying about things that may not even happen, and to accept that G-d will do whatever is best.

 

She then randomly interjected that she would never marry someone for a green card, perhaps anticipating that I had an ulterior cause for concern. That really wasn't my worry. She's beautiful enough to find plenty of Americans who would convert for her. The man she dated before me was an American citizen of Iranian Muslim extraction; marrying him would have been the least complicated path to permanent residency, if that were her motive.

 

At times, I sounded like a total bigot, describing the agony I would experience by having Muslim kids. I said that a home needs a common denominator, a unifying harmony of practice. She said all the kids could be Jewish then, and even go to Hebrew school, but not if they decided they didn't like it. She told me religion should be a personal choice, not forced on anyone, and that there are passages in the Quran she opposes and openly defies.

 

Then she started talking about finding an interfaith qazi in Lebanon, Turkey, or Dubai, somewhere close enough to Iran that would enable her side of friends and family to attend. I explained that this would likely be impossible because with the few aforementioned Western exceptions, Muslim cletics won't marry a Muslim woman to a non-Muslim man. She told me that if all she had to do to become Jewish was recite a couple lines, then she would do it, if not for apostacy being a crime punishable by death. The insinuation was that I could make this so much easier by just converting, in name only. I told her I can't do that. She said she understands. We rehashed the religiosity of her dad. She calmly pleaded with me to accept that he's a normal, regular guy who just wants her to be happy and cared for. She said he approved of my looks because I could pass for Iranian. She also asked what I would be willing to do for her, given how many concessions she was making to me. She said where there is love, you work to overcome obstacles. She seemed emotionally detached and calm, despite her words.

 

After the third sleepless night and actual physical illness, I couldn't take it anymore. I broke things off, telling her that there were certain incompatibilities that could not be reconciled, and too many familial, political, and security risks that would keep us in a perpetual state of fear and anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop, even if it never does. For me, or so I thought, that's no way to live. I crave stability, certainty, harmony, security.

[Jefezen]

For a few hours, post-breakup, I felt relieved and liberated. But then the doubts started creeping in. Was I too impulsive? Should I have worked harder and given it more time? What if I never find someone else as beautiful, accepting, accommodating, and easygoing? I was so comfortable with her. There were no fight, ever. She had all the hallmarks of the perfect wife, right at a time in my life when I really want to get married. Now I have to start all over again, deal with girls who will likely be major downgrades in everything except exterior complication.

 

And then I ruminate more on those exterior complications. The woman may be great, but can I really live with the constant worry of conversion pressure, kids choosing Islam, political intrigues and dangers that could literally lead to death? Is an otherwise good woman worth all that stress and trouble?

[AspenBaldwin]

I'd rather find someone who isn't a 10, but who isn't brainwashed with that religion.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you've made the right choice for yourself. I say this because you are clearly very troubled by the ramifications of an inter-faith marriage like this; if you're having this many serious doubts now, it's probably only going to cause more distress in the future. This has already overshadowed all the other aspects of the relationship. I can't see how progressing in this situation would be a good idea for either of you.

[Amelie1980]

I think you made the right choice. I couldnt date someone very religious either. It's the lifestyle and the non acceptance of those unlike you.

 

I didnt understand the comment that the children could be Jewish if they wanted so she said? Being Jewish is determined by the mother. Unless the mother is Jewish, the children wont be.

[hippychick3]

You made the right choice. No doubt.

 

I don't believe for one moment that you wouldn't have been pressured to convert. And aside from that, you would never agree on how to raise your children.

[Jefezen]

I think you made the right choice. I couldnt date someone very religious either. It's the lifestyle and the non acceptance of those unlike you.

 

I didnt understand the comment that the children could be Jewish if they wanted so she said? Being Jewish is determined by the mother. Unless the mother is Jewish, the children wont be.

 

Under Reform strain of Judaism, patrilineal descent is sufficient. Under Conservative and Orthodox Judaism, children of non-Jewish mothers can be converted to Judaism in a short, baptismal-like ceremony. At the age of bat or bar mitzvah, the child has an opportunity to renounce the faith.

 

My girlfriend was willing to go along with any of these procedures. She went from present the kids with both Judaism and Islam and let them choose, to first kid is Jewish, to all kids are Jewish. Virtually anything I asked, short of her conversion or suppression of personal visible practice, she acceded to without resistance. (I didn't ask for either of those things. She articulated those conditions, along with the provisio that if the Jewish kids resisted Judaism, we would not force it upon them).

 

This is part of why I feel like a jerk. I would express a concern, make a demand, she'd promptly give in to that demand, and it still wouldn't be enough for me. In my gut, I still felt like too much could go horribly wrong.

[casey.lives]

i know of many inter-faith couples, the people that have the most problems are believers with non- believers. I think, if you are second guessing, it's worth something. She sounds lovely and seems highly likely to compromise.

[Jefezen]

I think you've made the right choice for yourself. I say this because you are clearly very troubled by the ramifications of an inter-faith marriage like this; if you're having this many serious doubts now, it's probably only going to cause more distress in the future. This has already overshadowed all the other aspects of the relationship. I can't see how progressing in this situation would be a good idea for either of you.

 

But I also have to weigh these considerations against my fervent desire to settle down and have children, which will now be put off indefinitely until I find someone else. Who knows when that might be?

 

This woman had ideal traits. We were coasting along comfortably without conflict. She accepted all my deficiencies and defects that make it hard for me to keep girlfriends. She was way out of my league in so many ways, and yet I'm the one throwing her away out of fear of a family I have not met, rules of a religion I do not follow, ramifications on kids I have not had, and worries about a country I have no desire to enter. Hence the second guessing.

[Jefezen]

i know of many inter-faith couples, the people that have the most problems are believers with non- believers. I think, if you are second guessing, it's worth something. She sounds lovely and seems highly likely to compromise.

 

Any Muslim females in the mix? I would think the opposite to be true and that a believer with a non-believer would work better because the non-believer would be indifferent to whatever the believer wants.

 

The Muslim female, non- Muslim male pairing is extremely taboo and punishable by death in her country. She plans to go back there often to visit family. That's why I'm skeptical that she and her family really wouldn't ultimately push me to convert. I would be saving all of them a great deal of anxiety, danger and social shame. I'm not even that observant as a Jew, yet the thought of becoming Muslim, even on paper, and worse, having Muslim children, gives me the shakes. Believe me, I hate myself for feeling that way because if this girl were secular anything from a non-Sharia country, I would be feeling much differently.

[Amelie1980]

Under Reform strain of Judaism, patrilineal descent is sufficient. Under Conservative and Orthodox Judaism, children of non-Jewish mothers can be converted to Judaism in a short, baptismal-like ceremony. At the age of bat or bar mitzvah, the child has an opportunity to renounce the faith.

 

My girlfriend was willing to go along with any of these procedures. She went from present the kids with both Judaism and Islam and let them choose, to first kid is Jewish, to all kids are Jewish. Virtually anything I asked, short of her conversion or suppression of personal visible practice, she acceded to without resistance. (I didn't ask for either of those things. She articulated those conditions, along with the provisio that if the Jewish kids resisted Judaism, we would not force it upon them).

 

This is part of why I feel like a jerk. I would express a concern, make a demand, she'd promptly give in to that demand, and it still wouldn't be enough for me. In my gut, I still felt like too much could go horribly wrong.

 

I think you're right. If she was a non observant Muslim, I think you'd be ok. But she seems very observant to Islam and I dont think she would be just willing to set that aside.

[pidgeon1010]

Have you ever met any of her family members? Have you spoken to her dad on the phone? How long were you two together? I wondered because it's surprising to me that a muslim family who is as observant as you have described would be willing to allow a non-muslim to marry into the family or allow any children to be raised as non-muslims.

 

If you can't agree on what religion to raise your children and you have all these qualms about her religion and have a fear that one or more of your kids may decide to follow their mother's religion, it sounds like you made the right decision.

[SpiralOut]

But I also have to weigh these considerations against my fervent desire to settle down and have children, which will now be put off indefinitely until I find someone else. Who knows when that might be?

 

That's not a good reason for staying with someone. I think you made the right choice.

[Els]

Not wanting to convert is an extremely reasonable reason for choosing not to be with a religious Muslim. It's something I'd never do, either. It's not bigoted at all to choose not to enter into a marriage with these complications, especially in light of her ties to Iran (she plans to visit frequently, bring her children back, etc). Bigotry is when you discriminate against a demographic as a whole in all aspects. Choosing not to be with a religious Muslim for various practical reasons is not bigotry.

 

The reasons you state for staying with her, on the other hand, are a bit... well. Who cares if men 'look at you with envy' when you walk down the street with her - do you think they'll still be looking at you with envy when you get caught by the religious police in Iran? As for your desire to have a family - you're 33, you have several years yet. I don't see any point in rushing it. If you're really concerned you could bank your sperm now, same as many women freeze their eggs.

[Jefezen]

Have you ever met any of her family members? Have you spoken to her dad on the phone? How long were you two together? I wondered because it's surprising to me that a muslim family who is as observant as you have described would be willing to allow a non-muslim to marry into the family or allow any children to be raised as non-muslims.

 

If you can't agree on what religion to raise your children and you have all these qualms about her religion and have a fear that one or more of your kids may decide to follow their mother's religion, it sounds like you made the right decision.

 

We were together just over six months. I never met anyone in her family, as most of her relatives live in Iran. She described her parents as observant at her level (setting the alarm for prayers, keeping halal, fasting during Ramadan, making pilgrimage to Mecca, etc.) and her sister as non-observant. She has an aunt in Canada who is secular and doesn't follow anything, as well as a male cousin of her father in Texas who married an American Christian woman, and had kids with no particular religious identity. She offered for me to speak with the English-speaking members of her family. Her parents only speak Farsi, and mine is very limited (from childhood friends and girlfriends). I didn't really see the point because my main worries were her, the parents, future kids, and the Iranian legal system.

 

All of my friends, without exception, including Iranian Muslims, cautuoned me that something doesn't quite compute with her story. They find it bizarre that she and her parents could be so devout in some ways and then totally ignore or minimize something (non-Islamic marriage to a male Jew) that is punishable by death. When I would point this out to her, she would claim to be unfamiliar with the relevant Quranic verses and then dismiss them as illogical, improperly interpreted, or to be ignored. She said she doesn't care what imams think, just what Allah says and her father's "Islamic research" into my questions, as she termed it.

 

It's just tough because potential religious conflicts aside, she is incredibly attractive, and we were very compatible. Not the most exciting couple, but stable and pacific. How many people can say they never had a fight with a significant other? I've had a few other Muslim girlfriends, including two others from Iran, and they were much higher maintenance. We fought a lot. They were emotionally exhausting relationships with an abundance of highs and lows. This relationship was always down the middle: the calm waters of a pond on a breezeless summer day.

 

As for the multiple Iranian girlfriends, for whatever reason, I've often been attracted to Middle Easterners and them to me. I have an Iranian Jewish friend who would bring me to Iranian community events, where the vast majority of attendees are Muslims (usually of the secular variety). In other instances, I would walk up to an Iranian, or Moroccan, or Turk, in public, not knowing their nationality

until we engaged in conversation. Sometimes they would ask me out. But only in this last instance were any of these women at least somewhat religious. The others were of the sassy Shahs of Sunset variety, Muslim in name only types, where religion was not at issue, and the breakups on account of more typical relationship squabbles.

[dawnheart]

I'd rather find someone who isn't a 10, but who isn't brainwashed with that religion.

 

Excuse me? "That" religion? Amazing that in a story involving an extremely acceptive Muslim and a dictative non-Muslim, there is still Islam-bashing. We're talking about an Iranian Shia Muslim woman who, plain and simple, didn't care about religion for anybody but herself. She was prepared to marry a non-Muslim and to have non-Muslim children. Despite the fact that in her own country she would be the one supposedly facing a hardline punishment for marrying a non-Muslim. That shows amazing tolerance and open-mindedness and courage, which clearly the OP didn't have.

 

How is the OP any better than her? He obviously doesn't have to worry about any legal or religious punishment in the US. He wanted 100% Jewish children and would not compromise, while she wanted her children to choose their own religion and would have been fine with a nonreligious upbringing. He was such a bigot that he rejected her because he couldn't even stand his future children being exposed to Islam in any way, however lightly, even from their mother's side of the family.

 

And there are qazis in Western countries who perform marriages between non-Muslim men and Muslim women. She wasn't worried about the marriage being recognized in Iran. She just wanted her family and friends to be able to come. If anything, the OP is more brainwashed by his own religion.

 

OP, you need to find a Jewish woman. It takes flexibility to make an interfaith marriage work, and you don't have any.

Edited December 13, 2015 by dawnheart

[Jefezen]

That's not a good reason for staying with someone. I think you made the right choice.

 

Intellectually, I know you are right. I just have very low self-confidence when it comes to building relationships, so when I'm in one, I hesitate to sever it.

 

Most people consider me gentlemanly and physically attractive, but there's a catch: while the hood may look nice and shiny, the engine is sputtering and the leather seats are faux leather. I went bald at a young age and now wear a hair system. It looks pretty good when fixed up just right, but sometimes the adhesive oozes out, or the hair gets too brittle, or it shifts a little during intimacy. This is a major turn-off to women, unless I am able to get to the two month mark with them and they're emotionally invested enough to accept it.

 

The other problem is sexual dysfunction. I have a genetic predisposition to low testosterone. This wreaks havoc on my sex life. Sometimes it works fine, sometimes it only works partially with a ton of effort and patience, sometimes it doesn't work at all. I also have moderate Peyronie's syndrome, where there's a bend (a workable one, for now, thank goodness). Girls get frustrated and dump me. This, in turn, makes me psychologically afraid of sex and I try to avoid it. Do you know how frustrating it is to be good at getting girls into bed, only to be unable to perform? That's why this most recent virgin girlfriend was actually a relief. It was buying me time to try a new hormonal therapy to rectify this situation.

 

These deficiencies are also why I am anxious about starting a family. I don't know when I'll completely shut down.

[Jefezen]

Dawn, you are mostly right, which is why I called myself a bigot. I hate myself for feeling such an intense aversion toward the possibility of being pressured to convert and having Muslim children. I know I am being the intolerant one, although my intolerance is based on the overall intolerance of the other faith, if that makes sense.

 

I would be comfortable with a secular Muslim from a secular family from a non-Sharia country, where we could both live and travel with peace of mind. My fear is that there are too many unknown variables that could go horribly wrong for both of us, especially her, and I don't quite believe that her family would be as accepting as she portrays.

[Jefezen]

From her perspective, she's a single virgin at 30, she's shy and doesn't go out much, she's in the northeast all alone, thousands of miles away from family of any kind, she only has a few casual acquaintances, guys don't ask her out because they're intimidated by her height and beauty. The few who do go out with her are frustrated by the child-like innocence and junior high school limits to intimacy.

 

I come along, I'm reasonably good looking, stable in a good career. I indulge her inner child, I'm generous to her without any expectations for a sexual return, I try speaking her language on a daily basis and partaking in her secular cultural traditions. I spend every other evening with her. I take her all over New England on weekends.

 

She's probably a bit worried too about not ending up with anyone, even though in my opinion she easily could have lots of guys with a modicum of effort.

[DontBreakEven]

Personally, I'm shocked at the responses you are getting here.

 

I feel awful for your ex. You knew the deal going into it with her. With that being said, she sounds like she is being 100% willing to compromise on absolutely EVERYTHING. She is calm about it, because she is cool with whatever you wish to do - convert, not convert - raise the kids however, etc. She clearly also accepts your hairpiece and your sexual dysfunction.

 

You had 3 sleepless nights, and therefore made a major decision over that?? Personally I think your ranting about all your worries on bringing the kids there to visit sound like that of a paranoid schizophrenic. And nowhere in your story does it sound AT ALL like you would ever be "pressured to covert" or have "Muslim children".

 

Sounds like on all accounts you have a great relationship. With a beautiful, smart, stable, extremely compromising woman who clearly loves you very much. I would KILL for that, and you're throwing it away over some extreme irrational anxiety. Wow.

 

OP, I take it back. I agree with everyone who agrees with you. End it. But only because she deserves SO much better.

Edited December 13, 2015 by DontBreakEven

[Jefezen]

DontBreakEven, I feel awful about what I did to her too, however at least I'm being honest and transparent. Where I disagree with you is in the presumption that I acted impulsively out of paranoia. I agonized over this for several days, talked it out with multiple people (including Muslims), researched Iranian law, studied the Quran, read online about the experiences of interfaith marriages involving a Muslim, and discussed my concerns directly with her. I always knew she was Muslim and that she set her alarm for 5:30am to pray. I did not know until recently that she gets out of bed, unfurls a carpet, and puts on her hijab to recite the prayer. More importantly, I did not know until recently that Sharia law has such brutal punishments for a relationship I thought merely regarded as taboo.

 

I don't think it's paranoid to worry about the repercussions of doing something that is punishable by death. I similarly don't think it's paranoid to worry that observant Muslim parents might try to pressure a conversion, when the cost of not having one is at minimum a life of secrecy, social shame, and watching your back. I similarly don't think it is paranoid to expect that having American children accompany an Iranian Muslim mother would lead to questions about the father and a request for the production of a non-existent Islamic wedding certificate.

 

She does deserve better. I don't want her to destroy her life for me. She can find an Iranian Muslim to marry who would share her family's religiosity with no risk of running afoul of the draconian legal code. Or she could find a willing convert whose non-Muslim identity is not as revered as mine, or her own Islamic faith.

[sandylee1]

If she or her family were not going to accept you as you are... she would not have been with you. She was very religious... but it seems more out of habit and upbringing TBH.

 

I don't agree that the children should choose their own religion... when you have kids you decide what faith in which to raise them. When they are older (16/18)...... they can choose.

 

She seemed very amenable.....she suggested Hebrew school which is a great idea.... a person so extreme would not consider marriage to a non Muslim.

 

I had an ex who was Muslim (I'm Catholic) ... but he expected any kids to be raised in his faith and that I convert to Islam and take a Muslim name. Your situation is different.

 

The only thing I worry about with marrying individuals from the middle east is the abduction of the children when the marriage breaks down. I know this is mainly men from those parts who do this... I don't know if women would be supported under their law if they abducted the kids. They see a child as belonging to the man.... but would they support a non Islamic foreigner.

 

I have seen so many foreign non Muslim women devastated by having their kids taken by their fathers..... and fighting with a culture who don't recognise their rights as a parent.

 

Your Ex sounds like a great girl. I think you should speak to her Aunt and then her father.

You could be letting A great girl go.... and I'm taking into account the physical issues you mentioned in my viewpoint.

 

Maybe you should reconsider... .. tell her you want to speak to her Aunt and then her dad. The Hebrew school is good and then before you speak to her....... do research into your paternal rights as a non Iranian man who is not Muslim.

[NoLeafClover]

I'd rather find someone who isn't a 10, but who isn't brainwashed with that religion.

 

This is uncalled for. If you don't know about it don't disrespect it.

[DontBreakEven]

Where I disagree with you is in the presumption that I acted impulsively out of paranoia. I agonized over this for several days, talked it out with multiple people (including Muslims), researched Iranian law, studied the Quran, read online about the experiences of interfaith marriages involving a Muslim, and discussed my concerns directly with her. I always knew she was Muslim and that she set her alarm for 5:30am to pray. I did not know until recently that she gets out of bed, unfurls a carpet, and puts on her hijab to recite the prayer. More importantly, I did not know until recently that Sharia law has such brutal punishments for a relationship I thought merely regarded as taboo.

 

I don't think it's paranoid to worry about the repercussions of doing something that is punishable by death. I similarly don't think it's paranoid to worry that observant Muslim parents might try to pressure a conversion, when the cost of not having one is at minimum a life of secrecy, social shame, and watching your back. I similarly don't think it is paranoid to expect that having American children accompany an Iranian Muslim mother would lead to questions about the father and a request for the production of a non-existent Islamic wedding certificate.

 

Your thoughts are just quite extreme. She knows WAY more about it than you do, and she is not worried. She has even told you firmly that you do not need to convert and no one will have a problem with it, and here you are still convinced you will be hoodwinked into converting.

 

She does deserve better. I don't want her to destroy her life for me. She can find an Iranian Muslim to marry who would share her family's religiosity with no risk of running afoul of the draconian legal code. Or she could find a willing convert whose non-Muslim identity is not as revered as mine, or her own Islamic faith.

 

She CAN find all of that. And she should. You have a lot of excuses as to why you cannot be with this girl. So, end of story. Don't be with her and let her find someone who appreciates her extreme flexibility, because you don't have any.

[Jefezen]

"She knows WAY more about it than you do, and she is not worried."

 

One would think she would know more, yet she claimed not to know about the prohibition against Muslim women marrying non-Muslim men. I showed her the verses. She also claimed that two imams in Iran, a country that punishes interfaith marriage by death, told her dad that such a marriage would be "makrooh" (discouraged) but not "haram" (forbidden). Every source I can find, aside from a few widely discredited Western imams, declare such unions strictly haram. I find it extremely hard to believe that she and her father would not know this, and that two imams in Iran would be okay with it. My secular Iranian Muslim friends who also grew up in Iran all told me that it makes no sense.

 

If I take her words at face value, you are right, I have nothing to fear. But where majority opinion of others in the know differs, and where I am to believe that two otherwise observant Muslims (father and daughter) and a pair of imams would not know such basic tenets of their own faith, it strains credulity. I could understand it if they were secular, but they're not, they clearly carry themselves as ritualistic believers.

 

I also found it suspicious that she kept pushing for a wedding in Dubai, even after our joint research revealed that qazis in the Middle East will not perform an interfaith marriage, period. I told her about the ones available in the United States and England. They weren't good enough for her, especially not the female qazi that I found. When I mentioned that Turkey allows interfaith civil marriages, she still pushed Dubai, and then proposed either Egypt or Lebanon.

 

You're right. I very well could be wrong about a coerced conversion, but she and her family could also just bide their time and push it on me at the point of no return.