understanding this girl [updated 2016-07-27]

[despgirl]

what do you mean a crutch?

 

i still love her and miss her. she just wants to be by herself and she said to me " i genuinely thought it was what i wanted but then i realised after being by myself that I'm happier focusing on my own stuff"

that made me hurt a lot when a girl u loved says that to you.

My feelings and emotions have been played i feel and I'm very upset and mad that she told me two months ago that she fell for me!! If that was true then do people who fall not try to work things out and fight for us?? she just there us away. Love doesn't do that, love fights for each other no?

 

Why would you want to be FWB with a girl who treats you like that and for whom you have such strong feelings for?? This is not love, she doesn't love you and you are better off finding someone who would want to be in a relationship with you,

[fred123]

Why would you want to be FWB with a girl who treats you like that and for whom you have such strong feelings for?? This is not love, she doesn't love you and you are better off finding someone who would want to be in a relationship with you,

 

then why would she say she had fallen for me 2 months ago and that i was all hers?

 

 

i feel hurt and humiliated and lied to cos she told me after we broke up that a part of her always hoped that one day she and her ex would be together and that he always said things to her to lead her on that they could be together one day.

if this was true then why enter a rship with me?!!!!

[Zahara]

what do you mean a crutch?

 

It means that she is using you to help her move while she resolves her emotions for her ex. That would mean using you for attention, ego boost, a fallback when she is in need of whatever she needs -- just not any type of relationship that requires her to reciprocate any type of emotional/romantic feelings.

 

I'm very upset and mad that she told me two months ago that she fell for me!! If that was true then do people who fall not try to work things out and fight for us?? she just there us away. Love doesn't do that, love fights for each other no?

 

Words. People can say and will say a lot of things but what you should pay attention to is actions. She may have said it during an emotional moment, maybe she said it because she wanted to make it work hoping it would help her get over her ex, maybe she said it because at the time she actually believed it -- the problem with you is you keep holding on to those little bits even when everything is else showing you that you should be walking away. I can say, "Waaah, my ex said he wanted to grow old with me but why was he cheating on me with other women." People can say a lot of crap -- doesn't always mean it's true.

 

She can't fight for you when she is not emotionally invested in you. You're projecting how you feel on her. She doesn't value the relationship the way you do.

[fred123]

So was this forseen? Id like to know what people on here think seeing as they were with me the whole journey from october and giving me feeback on this girl.

Should i have seen this coming? Thats the first question.

 

Secondly i wanted to update on the breakup aftemath.

I broke up with her after telling me shewas crying for a week that her ex had met someone new.

I was upset that she had been weird that week and everytime i asked her what was up she lied and said it was work stress. Im upset also that she wouldnt tell her boyfriend (me) that her ex texted her and she was crying! Shes my girlfriend i want to be there for her when shes crying. I hate seeing her cry:(

 

Anyways she continues to text me the next day as normal and say good morning and stuff. I said look we arent together u dont need to send me that stuff any more. She said she knows but wanted too. She apologises again saying i was just wrong timing and that she needs to focus on herself and get over her ex bf stuff.i understood and try to support her to some extent cos iv been there. I did say do u think we can reconcile in the future and she said maybe but right not she cant and doesnt want me to wait for her as it pressures her.

 

Well basically 4 weeks after this she now dating website and dating other guys? Huh can some please explain. Im hurt, angry sad , heartbroken etc etc. Shes cold and says she has no feelings for me anymore. Wtf?! Im confused what has happened

[smackie9]

There you have it.....you were a rebound. She used you in order to try to get over her ex. People don't always do these things intentionally, but realize later what they did after they have had time on their own to think things through.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know why you're confused, OP.

 

She showed you months ago that she wasn't invested in you. This is nothing new.

 

The only confusing part is why you hung on so long.

[fred123]

she did admit over dinner last week that she knew she was being difficult on purpose in the beginning. she didnt even sound apologetic for that and all she said was that i decided to stay and didnt have to. no remorse or empathy.

obviously I'm hurt we broken up and all she said was that it happens and her friend broke up with a guy after 10 years and they had a mortgage together. is that meant to make me feel better?

 

im upset cos i feel like a rebound and i did ask her and she says no you can't be a rebound after a year. I feel she was dishonest cos i was supportive and understanding why we broke up as i do get her that she's not over her ex, but now a few weeks later she's over her ex and dating others and apparently told me " we are different to each other, you are emotional and sensitive and wear your heart on your sleeve too much and the reship was just too intense for me and also the fact that I'm not jewish is a big part. i want a guy who can take control of everything and I'm sorry ur not the guy that does it for me"

 

wtf?! i dont even get any of it. I was emotional cos a) thats who i am as a person. b) i was getting frustatred that i cared about her but the whole time she made it so difficult to date. i know for sure if it was the other way round she'd act the same.

there seemed to be no problem bout us being different for 6 months and even when we were officially together for 2 months everything seemed fine and happy and in fact she started to ask to see me more. i dont get it. it comes as a shock that she's been thinking this for a while.

[Blanco]

You don't need to have someone tell you it is or isn't a rebound to decide for yourself. Her actions and behavior described in this thread screamed, "Rebound!" all along. Just because she wouldn't admit it doesn't mean you're absolved of responsibility. You saw her behavior not aligning with her words, so at that point, it was on you to walk away.

[fred123]

You don't need to have someone tell you it is or isn't a rebound to decide for yourself. Her actions and behavior described in this thread screamed, "Rebound!" all along. Just because she wouldn't admit it doesn't mean you're absolved of responsibility. You saw her behavior not aligning with her words, so at that point, it was on you to walk away.

 

So what doew rebound mean? Did she lie to me when we broke up? She said she needed to get over her ex thats why we broke up. Then why so soon she dating? Amd not wanting to rekindle with me?

So confused. Why she not tell le the whole time we were together that she thought we were different and stuff. I was led to believe we were fine

[smackie9]

A rebound is when someone ends and jumps into a new relationship without having time to emotionally detach from the previous one. It's hot, it's passionate and then before they know it, the feelings just drop like a hot potato. They go through a denial/confused stage. You were just a stepping stone for her to get over her ex. She realizes she isn't into you, and has no interest in you for the long haul. She feels guilty about it so she feeds you some bs to smoke screen you from the real truth that there is no "us" for the future. The writing is on the wall, she is on dating sites because she is moving on.

[fred123]

i just want to have my questions answered so I'm just write them here and hope people on LS will help me as always:)

 

when we broke up i said " you have unresolved feelings for your ex, I'm falling in love with you, you shouldn't be in a relationship". i then said we should just be friends.

she said " do you really think that?"

i said yes.

her " i dont want to be unfair to you cos i really like you a lot"

she said i was an amazing guy cos i understood where she was coming from having been there and all her friends just told her to get over it.i was more supportive.

 

the next day she's messaged me good morning as usual. i said you dont need to do that we aren't together anymore. she said she wanted too.

she continues to message me over the next few days as usual and i just ignore her " how you are" messages and " ok i just thought id text to see how you are" messages.

 

i dont understand whyy she was messaging me lots after we broke up. its like she does what she wants when she wants.

 

i found out 3 days after we broke up she's on j-swipe ( a dating app) that she already had but had logged on. i called her out on it and she said she's not a member so can't send messages to anyone but just logged on to see if her ex was on there. a week later she told me she uses it just to swipe and check if her ex is on there but that she doesn't talk to anyone on there. wtf?!

 

she told me she needs time to get over her ex and now is actually gone a 2 dates with guys. she lied to me and said she hadn't.

 

now she tells me we are different people and that I'm not the guy for her. she wants a guy who can take control of everything? wtf that means. and that I'm not jewish. she has been thinking about this for a while now. apparently I'm quite emotional and sensitive and i wear my heart too much on my sleeve and she's not usually emotional and sensitive. she said it was quite intense our relationsship and thats a problem with her.

 

this is so confusing. this is the first i ever heard of this. we were officially bf and gf from feb to end of march and not once i thought there was any issue. we were both happy and she wanted to see me more than once a week and was always asking when i was free. i literally am surprised by what she has said cos even when e broke up why didnt she say all this stuff then?!!!

[Blanco]

None of this matters, man. You started this thread in December and it sounds like she's been hot and cold pretty much the whole time. She was obviously not over her ex and was trying to take the shortcut of using another person, subconsciously or not, to get over her ex. It didn't work.

 

That's all you need to know. The signs were always there that this was the case. From her telling you she didn't want commitment to her crying over her ex. It sounds like she didn't know what she really wanted. It sounds like you projected what you wanted the relationship to be versus looking at what it actually was.

 

Moreover, I'm sorry, but this girl owes you no further answers. She doesn't have to justify why she's on a dating site. She's single. As are you.

 

This all sounds harsh, I'm sure, but trust me, you need to let these sleeping dogs lie. She wasn't over her ex, and wasn't really ready for another serious relationship. Any other questions are practically irrelevant to that.

[54JA]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. By writing this, I am in no way supporting your ex's behavior, but I can understand her behavior. I can understand her behavior because I used to behave like that (I used to be a young and dumb girl too).

 

I was in a long term relationship that was very volatile for over 4 years. We would break up (mostly initiated by him) frequently. It was during those breaks where I attempted to date other guys because I needed distraction to to cope with the break up and/or wanted an immediate replacement. I know it's bad, but I did it because I didn't know any better. I met a couple of nice guys who would take me out. But because I wasnt over my ex, I wouldn't take them seriously. In some cases, I would tell them "I just wanna have fun without the commitment." In other cases, I would pretend like I am into them so that I would have something to fill my time with to distract myself from truly working on myself to cope with the breakup. I would flirt with someone of them to keep them interested me so that I can postpone facing the reality of being on my own. Occasionally, I would be honest with some, and talk about the breakup and how I wanted to work on myself. As you can see, I was being inconsistent. I was inconsistent because I was unstable. When some guys pushed harder, I would use phrases like "you are a great guy but I am not looking for a relationship right now," or "I really enjoyed hanging out with you, but I need time for myself" etc to soften what I really meant, which was "I'm using you as a crutch (as someone on this thread mentioned)."

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, don't read too much into the why (why she said this, why she is acting this way, etc) because they don't mean much. As for her acting jealous, yeah, we can be jealous even if we don't have a whole lot of feelings for the guy. Like someone said, it's an ego thing. Just because someone is jealous, doesn't mean that she's into you.

 

While I can understand her behavior, behaviors like hers and mine should not be tolerated if you want a steady relationship. I hope this helps shed some light on some of the questions you are having.

[fred123]

my ex gf we broke up 3 monte ago. i bropke up with her cos she still had feelings for her ex and i said lets cool things down like we did before we got into a relationship or we can stay friends and il help u get through this tough period she is going through. i didnt want o break up with her and perhaps in hindsight should have supported her through this.

 

well 3 weeks after her break up she is now over her ex so quickly. which is good:) but then tells me I'm not the guy she wants anymore ad her feelings dont exist anymore for me and she's sorry.

 

I'm sad cos if i knew her feelings for her ex would go away so quickly i wouldn't have broken up with her and nowiv lost her forever. so sad and I'm stupid for not being a more supportive boyfriend. i asked her and told her that iv i knew ud get over him so quick i would never have broken up with her.

she replied " it would have been something else if it wasn't that" not sure what she meant by that???

 

we were literally happy iunitl we broke up. planning a spa break in easter etc. there were no real arguments or anything and we seems to get on fine and iw as really happy and whew as too i think. I'm confused

I'm blindsided by all this. genuinely thought it was her just getting over her ex cos she told me when we broke up " I'm sorry i dont want to be unfair on you i really like you a lot and love you. i dont want to lose you. it was just wrong timing." and she continued to text me every day for the next two weeks or so like normal as if we were still together ( the good moring messages and lots of her initiating messages like she always did with me). what does this mean? why she did this?

 

can someone explain each part to me why she did all this and what each part means? thanx

[Blanco]

People have answered these things already. You just don't like the answers.

 

Starting new threads asking the same questions will not yield different answers.

[fred123]

People have answered these things already. You just don't like the answers.

 

Starting new threads asking the same questions will not yield different answers.

 

In hurting massively. Please answer the questionsxxx.

 

I just found out shes goinf on a third date with this guy tonight. She told me. She said she will kiss him if he kisses her. That kills me cos she said she wont kiss ke or hug me and that she doewnt like me like that anymore but likes this new guy like that. ****kkkk sake

[BC1980]

In hurting massively. Please answer the questionsxxx.

 

I just found out shes goinf on a third date with this guy tonight. She told me. She said she will kiss him if he kisses her. That kills me cos she said she wont kiss ke or hug me and that she doewnt like me like that anymore but likes this new guy like that. ****kkkk sake

 

But it's that why you need to be NC? Because it is hurtful to hear this stuff after a breakup. So it's better to protect yourself from that information. She told you that she doesn't think of you romantically. I understand that it hurts, but that's normal. But you will be even more hurt if you keep talking to her.

 

What exactly do you want us to answer?

[Blanco]

In hurting massively. Please answer the questionsxxx.

 

I just found out shes goinf on a third date with this guy tonight. She told me. She said she will kiss him if he kisses her. That kills me cos she said she wont kiss ke or hug me and that she doewnt like me like that anymore but likes this new guy like that. ****kkkk sake

 

Why is she telling you this? More important, why are you allowing her to tell you this? That's your problem. You seem to still be in communication with her, or at least, still have a means to know what she's doing and with who. That's self-sabotage.

[Blanco]

As for your questions, people have already answered them. Again, you just don't like the answers, so you think if you keep asking them (or slightly differently phrased versions of those questions), you might get a different answer.

 

So here's the reality: This girl was never all in with you. You were her rebound to get over her ex. She thought maybe it would work, but she realized it wasn't going to and now she's been truthful to you about that. Small consolation for you, but better than her staying with you just so she's not alone and then dumping you in a year when she meets someone she really wants.

 

I'm not here to marginalize your pain, but I went through a lot worse with my last breakup and I survived. You will, too.

[Marc878]

If you want to starve on breadcrumbs knock yourself out.

 

If not Grow up and block her on everything and get a life.

 

There are others out there you know.

[54JA]

I'm sad cos if i knew her feelings for her ex would go away so quickly i wouldn't have broken up with her and nowiv lost her forever. so sad and I'm stupid for not being a more supportive boyfriend. i asked her and told her that iv i knew ud get over him so quick i would never have broken up with her.

she replied " it would have been something else if it wasn't that" not sure what she meant by that???

We don't really know what she meant. Next time, when she says something you don't understand, be direct and ask HER. But if I really had to guess, she probably meant, the relationship with you would not have worked out anyways because she was not that into you in the first place.

 

we were literally happy iunitl we broke up. planning a spa break in easter etc. there were no real arguments or anything and we seems to get on fine and iw as really happy and whew as too i think. I'm confused

I think YOU were happy and THOUGHT she was happy too. If she was really happy, the relationship would have continued.

 

" I'm sorry i dont want to be unfair on you i really like you a lot and love you. i dont want to lose you. it was just wrong timing."

"I don't want to lose you" means I don't want to lose your attention and support, and not necessarily you as her boyfriend. She continues to text you because she does not want to lose you as a friend. She continues to text you because she does not want you to forget her and stop giving her the attention and support as a friend. But nothing more. If she is flirting with you in these texts, she is using the power she has over you to string you along to get the attention and support. Edited June 29, 2016 by 54JA
mistake

[fred123]

Sad cos shes dating and kissing another guy but ydy when i tried hugging her she said stresses her out. But when he does it its fine

[Simon Phoenix]

Sad cos shes dating and kissing another guy but ydy when i tried hugging her she said stresses her out. But when he does it its fine

 

Because she likes him more than you. It's not rocket science. You've spent seven months trying to figure this girl out and wasting your time. Stop being a spineless wuss who's so worried about what someone else is thinking. It's 100 percent clear to everyone on this board but you that she's not that into you and she's never been that into you. You're a fallback. She doesn't take you seriously and based on what you' post, she's correct to do that.

 

Stop trying to divide by zero, accept reality and stop putting up with all this. She uses you for support because she knows you don't have the strength or common sense to not allow it.

[fred123]

I am just curious to hear from people.

I was dating a girl for 4.5 months before we got into a relationship officialy. She had told me from beginning that the next relationship she goes into is long term and serious.

So when i asked her to be my gf after 4.5 months and she said yes i was happy and thinking she wouldnt have said yes unless she knew i could be long term.

 

Anyways the relationship lasted 5 weeks. We had plans to go away, meet her family etc. Nothing really changed much. Then on the 5thweek her ex boyfriend messaged her saying he had moved on. She was in tears the whole week so i suggested we be friends and she take time to get over him. I said i understood her and that i was falling in love with her every day. (2 weeks beforw our break up she told me she was falling for me and loved me and saw a future with me. She even told me she dreamt of our kids one day).

 

So the day i said we should be friends she said " you really think so?" I replied " im falling for u more every day you shouldnt be with anyone atm"

" she said she really liked me a lot and didnt want to be unfair to me and that il meet the right girl. She said she wassorry and was just wrong timing.

 

She didnt even try fight for us or say "no i dont want us to break up". She just accepted it. She quit on us so easily!!!

 

Then 2 weeks later she said shes over the ex and that she had been thinking for a while that we werent compatible and that she was thinking long term and that i wasnt the guy for her and that i wasnt jewish.

Surely she knew this stuff before?!! Why say yes to being my gf?!!! Why make me fall in love with you?!!

[sorano]

fred, I know the whole story brother. I know it sucks and its painful.

 

Dude, I was dating someone that told me she was afraid of the word girl friend. she even cried when telling me. she told me about her bad past. Like it was nuts. she even said how big of a deal it was to meet her family, friends, and even getting into a relationship!!

 

I had to do back flips and perform miracles. she said yes to being my girl friend, I met her family, friends, etc. I was the man!! I did it!!!!

 

I fell in love with her. All that work I put in? gone. she told me it was a huge fairy tale. she just bounced. bro, she showed me rings. she spoke about marriage as well!!!! Marriage!!!

 

Now I am left with a broken heart. I learned a lot dude. I learned how to cope, how to become a better man, etc. I can be a teacher.

 

Today, I relapsed. I am back to square one and I am devistated. I am done. I wish I had the answer bc I want to know as well. why do people start a relationship, then just leave.

 

I am also giving up on the dating thing. I just cant anymore. I'm done