How the hell do you know if you're in love?

[Ohman007]

This is something that has been on my mind lately. How do you know that you're in love with someone, like that deep love? I recently found out that my dad may have cheated on my mother in the past. I won't say that I'm completely surprised; they've always had sort of rocky relationship with each other due to general life stuff, but my dad will always stick up and care for my mom. And my mom says that she still gets butterflies when she sees my dad. Basically she's still very in love with him, and believe he is still in love with her... Maybe not as much as before, but still.

 

I've always been kind of a hopeless romantic; I love movies/tv shows/books with a good love story, and people have told me I'm a good guy. But, idk, for some reason I'm now deathly afraid of romance, marrying, etc. I guess I'm afraid that I'll enter a relationship, get married, and have too high of expectations of how love truly is; I'm afraid that I have a "Hollywood" viewpoint of love that is unrealistic. Just FWI, these thoughts have been plaguing my mind ever since I broke up with my GF about 2 months back, so I'm aware that that might have something to do with it.

 

I'm not exactly sure what it is I'm asking or trying to say in this post. Basically, for you people out there that have been in a LTR, how did you know that the person that you're with was "the one", and how do you keep that going throughout your lives together?

[normal person]

I think way too many people make the mistake of being attracted to someone whose personality they can tolerate (for a time) and thinking it's "love." To me, that's more like submission to the notion that being with someone is better than being alone.

 

As I see it, the problem is as humans we have a natural desire to reproduce and only so much time to do it in. Add in a lot of extraneous factors like culture, religion, standards, etc, and it all adds up to a lot of people who think they're in "love" when really they're just trying to convince themselves that their relationship is valid. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, but look at how high the divorce rate is these days. Everyone divorcee has at one point told the other that they "loved" them until death. People who are in love don't get divorced. At least one of them was just lying to themselves (not necessarily consciously) because we view relationships / marriage / love as better than nothing and mislabel it all in the process. People enter relationships of convenience. People will say or convince themselves that they love someone because at that stage in their life, they think it's better than not doing it.

 

All that being said, I think love is subjective. Everyone will give a different definition. In the past I've told a girl I "loved" her because (I realize now) it was convenient for me at the time. Way easier than not saying it and dealing with that. She was cute and nice and we didn't piss each other off all the time. That was my standard for "love." Conversely, there is another who I never had a chance to say that to. We got along better than anyone I've ever met before, we were inseparable, could finish each others' sentences, and were extremely attracted to each other. Life gets in the way and it didn't work out, I haven't seen her for a year but I still think about her constantly and fear that I might not ever be able to stop. I think she's the one I "love."

[casey.lives]

how do i know im in love? Well, for starters, i try even harder to be the best version of myself and I make life choices around the person.

Edited December 12, 2015 by casey.lives

[playlislay]

It's the sparkle in your eyes that lights up at the least expected moments when you're with them, even years down the line. It's knowing all of their bad traits (some which make you want to bang your head against a brick wall) and STILL love them. It's knowing that they're your best friend, even if you do disagree on a lot of things. It's the wanting to share random and useless things that have come to your attention; you want to share your world with them no matter how insignificant it is. It's your stomach turning when you see them all dressed up, even if you don't feel it when they're in their day-to-day attire. It's still having the ability to make each other laugh. Most importantly, it's when you realise that being with them feels like home.

 

Sometimes, life throws us crap and things just happen. It doesn't mean you love someone any less, it just means that life got in the way. So many unpredictable factors and misunderstandings occur that can impact on a relationship.

 

My mum and dad met when they were 17, went travelling 5 years later, had a huge argument whilst travelling so my dad went back home and my mum stayed in Greece for two years. After those two years, they both had been with other people and I think my dad wrote my mum a letter to say how much he'd missed her and the rest is history! Yes, they've had some STEAMING arguments over the years and disagreed on many things, but they still love each other and are still together, no matter how challenging they both have become. Don't get me wrong, they're not IN love anymore like some old romantics, but they're still together living a reasonably happy life, and that's what counts.

[AspenBaldwin]

Some fools think

 

Of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness

 

Some fools fool themselves, I guess

 

They're not foolin' me

 

I know it isn't true, I know it isn't true

 

Love is just a lie made to make you blue...

[d0nnivain]

The butterflies that Hollywood promises are replaced with a deep sense of calm, of peace, of stability & of feeling like you would do a lot to make your partner happy as well as knowing they would do the same for you.

[deep_night]

im not sure i've ever felt it.

 

i've crushed hard on people superficially, but when i got to know them i didn't fall in love with who they were. i cared for them on a human level and i was there for them when they needed me. but i never went "wow, this person is 1000 kinds of awesome, he's my very best friend, he's physically made for me, i can rely on him, i could actually trust him with my life, he LOVES ME".

 

maybe its unrealistic to think that way about falling in love. maybe it'll never happen for me. but i can certainly daydream...

[Redfisher]

When they leave all you can think about is when you can see them again.

[jen1447]

How do you know that you're in love with someone, like that deep love?

You don't, until you do, and then you don't have to ask.

 

If you're looking for a safety net, IMO there's a good chance your heart isn't open enough to truly accept being loved.

[todreaminblue]

i think true love is tested by trials more often than other emotion.......it is pulled apart knocked out dragged down trials where you are left standing beside your partner and not wanting to have been anywhere else or be standing by any other than the person you are with..thats true love

 

 

 

 

.its about seeing your partner for who they are and wanting the best for them and always to do the best by them....

 

 

 

true love needs nurturing.....like any other living breathing thing needs nurturing...

 

 

 

its seeing flaws and loving them regardless .accepting all of them..for being part of the person with whom you have love for, who loves you back flawed and all.....

 

its about caring on a deeper level...its about keeping flames lit...by never taking that person for granted...and workign at it when you dont feel like working at it.......true love is all about compromise...its about not giving up when **** gets rough.

 

true love is about loyalty and commitment and fidelity to that love.......

 

 

then theres courage to do what is right by your partner even if it is unpopular to everyone else or even if it is hard for you to do ...you do it anyway..........

 

 

 

its about working towards a common goal and direction and getting those goals and direction with togetherness and enjoying the dull days as much as the bright days because you cant be sure how many days you will be blessed with, in this life to be together.....so enjoy every one of them...its about understanding their place in your life that is above others.......true love is trusting that partner to know the very heart of you and feel safe doing so...your secrets transparent....your mind transparent to them...its about knowing that they will stand by you as you would them....that to me ...is true love...and its unconditional..deb.....

[jonwashington]

not really a quote person but.....read this

 

when you meet the other half of your soul.

you will understand

why all the other lovers had to let you go.

when you meet the one who deserves your heart,

youll understand

why you and all the others have to be apart..

[Dekho Karachi]

As every one here said , You would never know and suddenly you would just know

[shet]

I've been told that dreck about "knowing" my whole life and at this stage I resent it. It's a misleading fairytale.

 

There have been perhaps 3 women in my life I felt, at the time, that I "loved". All the trite phrases people throw around, as have been in this thread, applied. But things didn't work out with them, and after time, I am just fine with it, realise they were not perfect and am happy to move on and merely remember them intermittently.

 

Do you meet people, who show you kindnesses and focuses on you, who you think everything is great with and who makes you feel fulfilled and safe? Yes of course. That means no more than saying experiencing a week of wild sexual ecstasy with someone is love. These are chemical signals in the brain designed to **** up your judgement. You are not a god. You can't see into their head or predict the future. If you even support the idea of "in Love" like some here, then you have to accept that it can all go badly wrong, blow up in your face, leave you devastated, when they don't feel the same at some point. Where is your "in Love" then? What did it mean, except that you constructed a very incorrect narrative in your own head, foresaw a future that didn't come to pass and perceived a present that was clearly wrong.

 

Are you really going to be so egotistical as to say that all those other people, during pillow talk, on the wedding aisle, or after the birth of their child, who later break up, were WRONG about being "in Love" where you are right?

 

Maybe you'll say, they were right AT THE TIME but things changed. If so... what was the point? Except to acknowledge that you like someone a lot at the time. Which is an honest simple concept that doesn't require handwaving mysticism from people with too much Disney in their lives about "you'll just know" like feeling love is a gateway to some higher level of existence and clarity.

 

You know when you're in love because you want to spend a lot of time with someone, you think about them a lot, and they make you happy. Very simple. Easily gained with a wide variety of people. And easily lost. There's no promise or guarantee in it.

[Ohman007]

You don't, until you do, and then you don't have to ask.

 

If you're looking for a safety net, IMO there's a good chance your heart isn't open enough to truly accept being loved.

 

Would you mind expanding on this and telling me what you mean?

[jen1447]

Both things? On the first, it's just that if you have to wonder you're probably not, and when you are, there's no doubt.

 

You may have some misconceptions tho about there being any guarantees that go along w/the certainty - either of reciprocity or longevity. There are none ....the person you're legit in love with might not feel the same way, and even if they do there's no guarantee things won't change, for you or them. That's why the world's full of heartache, probably more often than not ppl don't love you back, and probably more often than not love doesn't last like in the fairy tales. Neither means it's not or wasn't love.

 

Which leads to the second thing - if you're looking or hoping for guarantees, that means you're hedging your bets, and ppl who do that and are afraid to take risks don't do love well. The execution of real love requires that you make yourself vulnerable to fully open up to the object of your love, along w/all the risks of failure and rejection.

[Ohman007]

Both things? On the first, it's just that if you have to wonder you're probably not, and when you are, there's no doubt.

 

You may have some misconceptions tho about there being any guarantees that go along w/the certainty - either of reciprocity or longevity. There are none ....the person you're legit in love with might not feel the same way, and even if they do there's no guarantee things won't change, for you or them. That's why the world's full of heartache, probably more often than not ppl don't love you back, and probably more often than not love doesn't last like in the fairy tales. Neither means it's not or wasn't love.

 

Which leads to the second thing - if you're looking or hoping for guarantees, that means you're hedging your bets, and ppl who do that and are afraid to take risks don't do love well. The execution of real love requires that you make yourself vulnerable to fully open up to the object of your love, along w/all the risks of failure and rejection.

 

 

I see, that makes sense. Honestly, if someone falls out of love with me, or rejects me, that I could handle. It's happened before (the rejection part), so that's fine. It's the idea of me falling out of love with someone who's in love with me that's now so damn scary to me. Reading all of these posts of people who are heart broken because their SO dumped or cheated on them, and my own recent experiences, has left me very shaken and scared I suppose. Gah.

[Buck Turgidson]

I love movies/tv shows/books with a good love story, and people have told me I'm a good guy. But, idk, for some reason I'm now deathly afraid of romance, marrying, etc. I guess I'm afraid that I'll enter a relationship, get married, and have too high of expectations of how love truly is; I'm afraid that I have a "Hollywood" viewpoint of love that is unrealistic.

 

This is a good concern to have; Hollywood stories are fairy tales, and you don't want to base life decisions on fairy tales. Hollywood romances tell destructively idealistic versions of relationships that aren't (and probably shouldn't) work in the real world. In movies, persistence pays off. In RL, persistence is creepy. In movies, the guy loving the girl means she loves him back (she just doesn't know it yet). In RL, if you assume that your love for someone obligates them, or magically makes them love you, then you're in for a lot of trouble. In movies, loving one person blinds you to all others. In RL, feelings are more complicated and you might be attracted or even find yourself in love with more than one person. In movies, the loving relationship culminates in marriage. In reality, marriage is only the beginning, and takes significant work.

 

"Love" and "in love" are really combinations of various emotions and behaviors like trust, admiration, respect, kindness, caring, helpfulness, giving, desire, lust, and obsession. People's descriptions of "in love" tend to describe obsession. Things like "you can't think about anyone else," "when they leave they're all you can think about until they return," and "you just KNOW" all describe obsession, probably the most negative of all the emotions wrapped up in the "in love" package.

 

The entire idea that there is a state of "in love" to begin with is detrimental to relationships, because it might lead you to dump someone compatible if you're not obsessed with them. Or you might marry someone prematurely because you are.

 

And obsession is bad. Especially if you are the only one obsessed. It's certainly not something to base a life decision on.

 

Look at how high the divorce rate is these days. Everyone divorcee has at one point told the other that they "loved" them until death. People who are in love don't get divorced.

 

Nonsense. Stop telling people that. There is nothing magical about love above and beyond the other emotions. If I am angry, that doesn't mean I'll be angry forever until I die. If I'm happy, I can't count on being happy forever. And if I'm in love, I won't necessarily be in love forever either. Emotions change, dude.

 

Telling people that love never dies is factually wrong and destructive to the people you're trying to advise. In the real world, love, like all feelings, waxes and wanes, here one day and gone the next. It's fickle. Which is why basing a relationship on love is unwise. Successful relationships are based on compatibility. Love wanes, and can die altogether, and when it does, if there is no compatibility left, there is no reason not to divorce. We divorce specifically because we insist on love-marriages. Divorce is the price we pay for unwisely marrying those we have fleeting fickle feelings for, without exploring the deeper issues of compatibility first.

 

Want a lasting relationship? Try the calmer aspects of the "in love" package. If you can find someone that you trust, admire, respect and desire, then you've found someone who has earned your attentions, as opposed to having had some obsession chemicals take over your brain. But that's still not enough. Fee-fees are never enough. Not only should you love someone without possessing or obsessing over them, you need someone who doesn't drive you up the wall 24 hours a day when you live with them. Someone whose little habits don't grind your gears, and someone who will tolerate your own little bad habits. Someone you not only feel admiration for, but who you can talk to and actually connect with mentally. Someone you not only desire, but who actually meets your needs sexually. All of these things are more important than whether you are obsessed ("in love") with each other, if long-term relationship-having is your goal.

[jen1447]

I see, that makes sense. Honestly, if someone falls out of love with me, or rejects me, that I could handle. It's happened before (the rejection part), so that's fine. It's the idea of me falling out of love with someone who's in love with me that's now so damn scary to me. Reading all of these posts of people who are heart broken because their SO dumped or cheated on them, and my own recent experiences, has left me very shaken and scared I suppose. Gah.

 

There's plenty legit things to be scared of in life - we could die any time we walk out the front door after all - but none of it stops us living anyway, right?

[FortySomethingGuy]

Well, it may not be the most romantic way to answer this question - but, read up on the science of love.

 

First, for some complex set of reasons having to do with biology and DNA, and such things, this person causes your brain to be flooded with oxytocin and endorphin hormones, which produce bonding and euphoria. Your addiction (yes, it is an addition) to this person is as potent as an addiction to morphine. If this person is a good match for you, you'll feel like you are walking in heaven. You'll act silly around this person, like a person that is high on drugs. If this person is a bad match or an evil wicked person, awful things can happen. You will lie, steal and cheat for this person.

 

The drug effects wear off over time, estimated to be about 2-5 years. You sober up. If you have built a solid partnership over a solid foundation - e.g., shared wonderful experiences, been loyal and faithful and supportive to each other, started a family, etc. - then, you shift to the mature phase of the relationship. It becomes a genuine partnership of mutual respect, love and admiration.

 

Drama is inevitable over time. There are times you (and her) will want to run to the exit door. There will be moments of pain and betrayal (not just infidelity, but, any other feelings of betrayal). Each crises has the potential to tear you apart or make you stronger.

 

So, how do you know if it is true love? When you are both very old, in your twilight years, and you look at each other with no regrets about spending your entire lives together, despite everything else that may have happened in the past, - that is true love.

[TheArtist]

It's when you finally understand what Lionel Richie is singing about. Sigh...

[Nimue]

We should find some of these cute old couples and ask them

[Ohman007]

Well, it may not be the most romantic way to answer this question - but, read up on the science of love.

 

First, for some complex set of reasons having to do with biology and DNA, and such things, this person causes your brain to be flooded with oxytocin and endorphin hormones, which produce bonding and euphoria. Your addiction (yes, it is an addition) to this person is as potent as an addiction to morphine. If this person is a good match for you, you'll feel like you are walking in heaven. You'll act silly around this person, like a person that is high on drugs. If this person is a bad match or an evil wicked person, awful things can happen. You will lie, steal and cheat for this person.

 

The drug effects wear off over time, estimated to be about 2-5 years. You sober up. If you have built a solid partnership over a solid foundation - e.g., shared wonderful experiences, been loyal and faithful and supportive to each other, started a family, etc. - then, you shift to the mature phase of the relationship. It becomes a genuine partnership of mutual respect, love and admiration.

 

Drama is inevitable over time. There are times you (and her) will want to run to the exit door. There will be moments of pain and betrayal (not just infidelity, but, any other feelings of betrayal). Each crises has the potential to tear you apart or make you stronger.

 

So, how do you know if it is true love? When you are both very old, in your twilight years, and you look at each other with no regrets about spending your entire lives together, despite everything else that may have happened in the past, - that is true love.

 

Well, it's a good thing I'm a trained molecular biologist then thank you for the post!

[Ohman007]

This is a good concern to have; Hollywood stories are fairy tales, and you don't want to base life decisions on fairy tales. Hollywood romances tell destructively idealistic versions of relationships that aren't (and probably shouldn't) work in the real world. In movies, persistence pays off. In RL, persistence is creepy. In movies, the guy loving the girl means she loves him back (she just doesn't know it yet). In RL, if you assume that your love for someone obligates them, or magically makes them love you, then you're in for a lot of trouble. In movies, loving one person blinds you to all others. In RL, feelings are more complicated and you might be attracted or even find yourself in love with more than one person. In movies, the loving relationship culminates in marriage. In reality, marriage is only the beginning, and takes significant work.

 

"Love" and "in love" are really combinations of various emotions and behaviors like trust, admiration, respect, kindness, caring, helpfulness, giving, desire, lust, and obsession. People's descriptions of "in love" tend to describe obsession. Things like "you can't think about anyone else," "when they leave they're all you can think about until they return," and "you just KNOW" all describe obsession, probably the most negative of all the emotions wrapped up in the "in love" package.

 

The entire idea that there is a state of "in love" to begin with is detrimental to relationships, because it might lead you to dump someone compatible if you're not obsessed with them. Or you might marry someone prematurely because you are.

 

And obsession is bad. Especially if you are the only one obsessed. It's certainly not something to base a life decision on.

 

 

 

Nonsense. Stop telling people that. There is nothing magical about love above and beyond the other emotions. If I am angry, that doesn't mean I'll be angry forever until I die. If I'm happy, I can't count on being happy forever. And if I'm in love, I won't necessarily be in love forever either. Emotions change, dude.

 

Telling people that love never dies is factually wrong and destructive to the people you're trying to advise. In the real world, love, like all feelings, waxes and wanes, here one day and gone the next. It's fickle. Which is why basing a relationship on love is unwise. Successful relationships are based on compatibility. Love wanes, and can die altogether, and when it does, if there is no compatibility left, there is no reason not to divorce. We divorce specifically because we insist on love-marriages. Divorce is the price we pay for unwisely marrying those we have fleeting fickle feelings for, without exploring the deeper issues of compatibility first.

 

Want a lasting relationship? Try the calmer aspects of the "in love" package. If you can find someone that you trust, admire, respect and desire, then you've found someone who has earned your attentions, as opposed to having had some obsession chemicals take over your brain. But that's still not enough. Fee-fees are never enough. Not only should you love someone without possessing or obsessing over them, you need someone who doesn't drive you up the wall 24 hours a day when you live with them. Someone whose little habits don't grind your gears, and someone who will tolerate your own little bad habits. Someone you not only feel admiration for, but who you can talk to and actually connect with mentally. Someone you not only desire, but who actually meets your needs sexually. All of these things are more important than whether you are obsessed ("in love") with each other, if long-term relationship-having is your goal.

 

I really like this. Thanks for your insight!

[Ohman007]

There's plenty legit things to be scared of in life - we could die any time we walk out the front door after all - but none of it stops us living anyway, right?

 

Haha this is true. In due time, I will again come to realize this again, I suppose!

[TexasMan68]

When you agree to watch any movie with her that is based on a Nicolas Sparks book.