Exhausted! He says he cares, but really?

[betterfly]

Hi all!

 

I already know what kind of advice I'll be given: block him, don't contact him, move on. Fair enough.

 

But I just also want to try and understand his behaviour. We are all here in need of our hopes getting validated, and I am no exception.

 

Here is the super short version of our story: we dated for a year, then he broke up with me in September for multiple reasons. To give you an idea of what those reasons were - after reading enough posts on this forum, I arrived to a conclusion that I am possibly quite far on the BRD spectrum. I pushed/pulled, created drama, was controlling and jealous. Out of fear of losing him. That is how I lost him.

 

I initially tried to see him in order to change his mind, but a month after break up he told me to move on. Ok. I was still devastated, but decided to keep my dignity. Only contacted him to exchange things. He suggested we meet up. We did. We both cried, he initiated relationship talk, we parted on a good note.

 

Second meeting went even better and he confessed his feelings. Said that he'd been with other people, but that they didn't help him to forget me. Still, wasn't ready for a relationship. (With me, I suppose)

 

Third time we went for dinner, which felt like a date and went great. He said he hadn't been with anyone since the last time we'd seen each other. Walked me home and we kissed, but that's when I started to insist on some decision again.

 

After that I haven't seen him. He messaged me one week after saying he wants to meet up, but never followed through. I know that he's been seeing other people. We talked today and he's been very sweet and kind, understanding, and replies promptly. I mentioned that it might be better for me to not contact him for a while. He respects my decision and says that the door is always open if I want anything at all.

 

Now… I understand that he's enjoying his single life and doesn't want to have the same problems we had before. To be honest, I still don't feel like I am ready for a relationship anyway. My mind is still a mess and I am only starting to learn what I want. But somehow I would really like to be with him. Maybe not now.

 

My two questions:

 

1. Do you think there is still hope? I am not delusional and understand that he tried being with me, but chose not to. There were some aspects of me, however, that were/are up to me to change. I know from my experience that him changing his behaviour in the past made me see him in a different light. I never truly walked away from him, though. So, perhaps, psychology of a man who leaves is different?

 

2. I'm arriving to my own conclusion that NC is the best option here. But I also think the with some people LC works better. I read different stories, and sometimes being honest helps more than not talking. He's open to communication, but it's also easier for him. I also read stories of people who would "date" their exes while they had other options and win them back eventually. That kind of makes sense, especially when you need to change something. This way your ex can see the changes. On the other hand, can I even change when his presence is so strong in my life? He did break up with me, after all, and tried to figure himself out. I feel that I need to do that too. It's just this stupid fear that if I go NC, I'll lose a chance to reconcile and he'll find someone else. He can very well find someone else while in contact with me, but at least I would know that I tried everything…

 

THANKS IN ADVANCE!!

[Simon Phoenix]

But I just also want to try and understand his behaviour.

 

Trying to figure out what another person is thinking is one of the biggest wastes of time on the planet. Just foolish. From what you continued to write you have a lot to work on in your own head. Concentrate on that. Stop getting distracted by colored bubbles and white noise.

 

It's just this stupid fear that if I go NC, I'll lose a chance to reconcile and he'll find someone else. He can very well find someone else while in contact with me, but at least I would know that I tried everything…

 

Sorry to be blunt, but this is exactly what you said it is -- a stupid fear. If he really decides ON HIS OWN that he wants to be with you, you being in No Contact wouldn't dissuade him in the least. If anything, it'd make him take you more seriously and be more forthright in telling you his change of heart. And being in No Contact would help you get your mind right. You said yourself that you were starting to show neediness again. Of course you were, you haven't detached and taken time to adjust the behaviors you'd like to adjust. No Contact not only allows you to recover, but it stops you from making a fool of yourself and gives you a better chance to put your best foot forward.

 

And you "staying on his radar" won't make him realize that you're "the right one". It will likely do the opposite. You'll put yourself there as a default, a security blanket, and make it EASIER for him to find someone else.

 

So yeah, you need to stop butting your head against a brick wall and actually take the breakup and recovery seriously. You need to stop plotting and trying to manipulate the result, accept what's going on, work on what you'd like to work on and let things evolve as they should.

 

But yeah, you really need to get off trying to psychoanalyze him.

[Downtown]

I am possibly quite far on the BPD spectrum. I pushed/pulled, created drama, was controlling and jealous.

Betterfly, I agree that the behaviors you describe here and in other threads -- i.e., the push/pull, drama seeking, controlling actions, irrational jealousy, and paranoia -- are warning signs for having strong BPD traits. Moreover, it is a certainty that you occasionally exhibit the BPD traits. As you already know from your reading, we all exhibit those traits because they are basic human ego defenses. At low levels, they can have protective value. At high levels, however, they undermine our ability to accurately perceive other peoples' intentions and motivations -- thereby sabotaging our attempts to form and sustain close LTRs with others.

 

Significantly, being "quite far on the BPD spectrum" -- as you say -- does not necessarily imply a person has a lasting BPD problem. None of us remains at a single spot on that spectrum. During early childhood, for example, we all exhibit full-blown BPD behavior 24/7. And later in life even the healthy people get occasional BPD flareups, which usually last only a short time but can last a year or two, whenever they experience strong hormone surges or abuse certain drugs. This is why a large share of young teens exhibit strong BPD traits for a few years when puberty strikes. And this is why women may temporarily exhibit that behavior during PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, or perimenopause.

 

I therefore encourage you to obtain a professional opinion on what you're dealing with -- instead of jumping to any conclusions about your current behavior. Have you consulted with a psychologist? How old are you?

 

Can I even change when his presence is so strong in my life?

Yes, you can change. If your BPD traits are strong due to a hormone change or drug use, they will return to a low level when the hormones quiet down or when you stop using that drug. Moreover, even if we were to assume the worst case -- i.e., that your traits are strong and lasting -- you still would have a very good chance of learning how to manage and control them.

 

I say this because your posts exhibit a strong self awareness that is very rare among BPDers. By its very nature, BPD almost always suppresses (or may even destroy) one's ability to be self aware. The result is that, although most major cities offer excellent treatment programs for BPDers, it is rare for a BPDer to seek help (or, if she does, to remain in therapy long enough to make a difference). BPDers typically view themselves as "The Victim" and blame all of their woes and shortcomings on their partners.

 

Yet, if you are still concerned that you may exhibit a strong pattern of BPD traits, I suggest you read my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar and you would like to discuss them, it would be helpful if you tell us which signs apply strongly and which don't apply at all. Take care, Betterfly.