What is wrong with me?

[etherealbliss]

Help! I feel like i'm losing my mind and at age 33 with as much dating experience and knowledge that I have this should NOT be happening. You can read the full story of break up under my post "Commitment phobe or player?" but basically we broke up couple of weeks ago. He was blowing hot and cold (again) so I called it off. I didn't feel his reasoning for it was good enough at the time.... And the next day I find him on a dating site where we met.

Anyway at first I told him I never want to talk to him and he shouldn't message me as he is a liar. I was very angry with him. Then couple of days later when I calmed down I changed my mind and told him I'm not going to hold on to resentment, I wished him well and said maybe someday we can be friends. He said I can add him back on facebook if I want, which I did.

But I still felt like maybe I didn't handle the whole situation well and I was still confused about what went wrong with us and so suddenly. I was going crazy going over and over everything in my head and questioning myself and lots of WHAT IFs.... so I text him and ask if he thinks it's a good idea to have a chat. He agreed and we talked a day later on the phone.

 

The conversation started very nice and he even said he misses me often and was very friendly however towards the end when we started talking about the break up it got slightly more heated and he acted cold and distant again.

After we hung up, high on memories and feel good hormones of talking to him I sent him a few friendly texts saying i'm glad we talked and we can put this behind us and if he's in town we should meet, etc.

His reply: "just.... relax..."

Then I said i'm relaxed and he should relax and not worry because i'm not trying to get back together, not now and not ever. I just wanted to be friendly.

He didn't reply...

Then I said ok maybe i shouldn't have sent you those friendly joking and playful texts as you are my ex and apologized.

He didn't reply...

I called him and he didn't pick up but sent me a text saying he is still at work.

So I text him back saying I miss him and care about him but I had to follow my head instead of my heart this time and the reason I wanted to talk to him again was because I felt confused.. and I feel my heart and my head are in conflict.. but I feel he is moving on so I'll give him space.

He didn't reply...

Now this is where it gets really bad. After he ignored these texts for 24 hours I got upset. I felt like I didn't say anything bad and I thought at least I deserved an "ok bye" reply of acknowledgement. He told me on the phone to text him sometime if I want. So I let my emotions take over me and I sent him another text saying very sarcastically.. I hope you enjoyed the ego boost I gave you with my texts and I hope that you aren't so arrogant as to ignore me like this, hope you have a nice life.

 

And that was the last thing I sent him couple of days ago and he of course still hasn't replied.. Here are a few questions because i'm going crazy and wondering why i'm so obsessed although i'm the one who initiated break. I've never felt like this after a break up before!!!

 

Why is he ignoring me? Why do I want him back even if I know we're not right for each other right now? Does he think i'm crazy for texting him conflicting messages so much? Did I blow any chance of having my dignity intact and not looking desperate? Is there a chance he'll talk to me again in the future? Why do I even want him to talk to me? Why am I soooooo obsessed with him when I know better? How do I salvage his perception of me? I don't want his last memory of us being me calling and texting like a crazy person even if I didn't beg for him to come back. I know he is someone who doesn't like and avoids conflict. More than getting back together I want him to see me again a as a desirable and sane person. Not sure why I care about this so much but would NC accomplish this?

 

I'm going to try and work on myself to be less impulsive and dramatic when in situations like this as to not let it escalated to this point again. I appreciate any and all feedback.

Edited December 12, 2015 by etherealbliss

[itisdanielle]

Here are a few questions because i'm going crazy and wondering why i'm so obsessed although i'm the one who initiated break. I've never felt like this after a break up before!!!

 

Even though you ended the relationship, it seems that you did it because he forced it with his hot and cold behaviour. So in a way you're kind of the dumpee, which is why you feel this way.

 

He agreed to speak to you first, when you had the phone call. He only started ignoring you once you started to message him too much.

 

To save your dignity, you need to stay NC. You broke up, so leave him alone. He may speak to you in the future but not if you carry on the way you have been doing.

 

Definitely, definitely go NC. I know it's difficult but you can do it

[etherealbliss]

Even though you ended the relationship, it seems that you did it because he forced it with his hot and cold behaviour. So in a way you're kind of the dumpee, which is why you feel this way.

 

He agreed to speak to you first, when you had the phone call. He only started ignoring you once you started to message him too much.

 

To save your dignity, you need to stay NC. You broke up, so leave him alone. He may speak to you in the future but not if you carry on the way you have been doing.

 

Definitely, definitely go NC. I know it's difficult but you can do it

 

Thanks for responding. Yes in a way it does feel like he initiated the break up even though I had the final word. I just didn't anticipate having such overwhelming and confused feeling hitting me like a tsunami afterwards. I wish I had not said anything after the phone call but it's done now. I have a feeling I'll never hear from him again and I admit the thought hurts right now.

 

Should I do NC forever? Or should I send a Merry Christmas text or something later this month?

 

Thanks

[itisdanielle]

Stay NC. The only time you should contact him is when you're completely over it. To the point where it wouldn't bother you if he was with someone else.

[privategal]

Dont get hung up on feeling embarrased for all the texts.

Guys dont hold onto things like we do and analyze as much.

Don't send merry Christmas...dont speak to mutual friends or run into him.

Do nothing..disappear.

Let the negative things be forgotten with time.

No break up is clean and perfect.

He was hot and cold and that hurts and causes confusion.

Give him time to see how his own actions led to the fallout.

Dont focus on how you looked foolish nor take any more actions good or bad.

He will not be focused on a text war...he ignored because hes immature and knew it would hurt.

In the end you win as you finally chose to let go of someone who doesn't know how to properly date a woman and not put you both in this situation to break up in the first place.

It was his only shot in the end to appear like he had the upper hand.

Ignoring you was his final ego stroke.

Brush that off who caarreess.

You'll laugh at this down the road.

[etherealbliss]

Dont get hung up on feeling embarrased for all the texts.

Guys dont hold onto things like we do and analyze as much.

Don't send merry Christmas...dont speak to mutual friends or run into him.

Do nothing..disappear.

Let the negative things be forgotten with time.

No break up is clean and perfect.

He was hot and cold and that hurts and causes confusion.

Give him time to see how his own actions led to the fallout.

Dont focus on how you looked foolish nor take any more actions good or bad.

He will not be focused on a text war...he ignored because hes immature and knew it would hurt.

In the end you win as you finally chose to let go of someone who doesn't know how to properly date a woman and not put you both in this situation to break up in the first place.

It was his only shot in the end to appear like he had the upper hand.

Ignoring you was his final ego stroke.

Brush that off who caarreess.

You'll laugh at this down the road.

 

Thank you, your post made me feel better.

[etherealbliss]

I don't know why they say NC makes your ex miss you, the fact that he has ignored me and in a sense doing NC is making me hate him more everyday... but it's probably for the best because i'm learning to live without him and even though it's still really hard to get through the day.

 

I'm reading this book called "Mr. unavailable and fallback girl" which is also helping to put things in perspective. but I hate that I still wonder if he has messages me every time I check my phone! I can't wait until i'm completely over him and indifferent. For now I hate him!

[fiskadoro]

[quote=

 

And that was the last thing I sent him couple of days ago and he of course still hasn't replied.. Here are a few questions because i'm going crazy and wondering why i'm so obsessed although i'm the one who initiated break. I've never felt like this after a break up before!!!

 

Why is he ignoring me? Why do I want him back even if I know we're not right for each other right now? Does he think i'm crazy for texting him conflicting messages so much? Did I blow any chance of having my dignity intact and not looking desperate? Is there a chance he'll talk to me again in the future? Why do I even want him to talk to me? Why am I soooooo obsessed with him when I know better? How do I salvage his perception of me? I don't want his last memory of us being me calling and texting like a crazy person even if I didn't beg for him to come back. I know he is someone who doesn't like and avoids conflict. More than getting back together I want him to see me again a as a desirable and sane person. Not sure why I care about this so much but would NC accomplish this?

 

I'm going to try and work on myself to be less impulsive and dramatic when in situations like this as to not let it escalated to this point again. I appreciate any and all feedback.

 

 

I have been on both sides of this equation. Personally, I found it empowering when a woman goes berserk and starts texting me like that. That was earlier in my life, when I had lower-self esteem and watching someone uncomfortably squirm as she showed her intense affection for me... boosted my male ego. I can't say that signs of a intense affection don't still feel good (who doesn't like to have their ego stroked??) but now I can be more empathetic and caring, it's not as much fun to see someone you love twisting in the wind.

 

 

If I had only ever loved her as a friend, it would make me uncomfortable. If we had been intimate, I would be more understanding. Of course it would depend on how we were relating to each other at the moment. It's not a permanent deal breaker... with a little time, I tend to forget those things. It's not a deal breaker, even if I don't want to date her in the future. I am empathetic though, and more sensitive than most guys. Is your ex an empathetic person towards you?

 

 

What you did was in no way unreasonable. If he breaks up with you over a few texts like that, then it's fragile anyway.