wondering if i might get another chance....

[mademoisellemarie]

hey guys. so... i met this amazing man in greece last year in december and i fell hard for him after realising how much we have in common, and seeing what a wonderful person he is in general. we had a long distance thing for a few months while i went to see him a couple of times and he came to see me in my country also. long story (as) short (as possible) he kind of started calling me his girlfriend in may and i was more than happy about that.

 

i spent 3 months in greece this summer, although not with him but we spent about a month together. went to an island for a couple of days, then he came to visit me in my village for 4 days, i stayed at his family home in athens,... he told me i was the first girl that ever stayed at his mums house. i believe him cos if theres one thing i know for sure is that he is the most honest person ive ever met. i really thought i had found the one...

 

he actually moved to my city/ country in my country in october to find an erasmus place (which is gonna start in march), but he could have gone anywhere. so he mainly came here for me... but here is the thing... ive had a really bad relationship in the past where ive been hit and cheated on and i abused a lot of drugs in the past to cope also and i havent dealt with it properly at all. so even tho i know that my greek boy was the polar opposite i could never hide my insecurities. he is a very quiet person and although i know and should have respected that i took it very personal...

 

so one month ago he broke up with me saying that he has no more energy. his father died in august 2014 and he is in a new country trying to learn the language and find a job, study a lot for his degree,... and there i was only giving him grief. not on purpose of course but like i said, i kind of couldnt handle it... he said he doesnt want to try again either because it wouldnt be the same anymore. but he also said that he loves me and im the other piece of his puzzle...

 

anyways weve been seeing each other a few times and especially over the past couple of days because he flew back to greece today for a couple of weeks to celebrate his 27th birthday and spend some time with his family and friends. 2 days ago we met up for a drink because i wanted to give him some things for his mum and sister that ive had stashed for them. we had a really nice conversation and i felt like he really was looking at me like there is quite a bit of love left. i definitely know there are still feelings but i dont want to push him whatsoever... especially seen as he said he doesnt want to try anymore. but i guess that was 1 month ago and i really want him to miss me....!

 

so the day after he came to visit me at work at the christmas market and said that at night hes probably gonna meet with some friends before he leaves. but he ended up hanging out with me and my friends til 2am instead. and altho it was super hard i managed not to ask him to come stay at mine afterwards. i want to show him that i dont need him, like, that im ok by myself. which im not really btw but i dont want to let it hang out... he also forgot his bag at the bar we went to so i went back to get it as he had already cought a cab home. so we briefly met in the morning to say goodbye and i gave him the bag. he thanked me so much for everything and that he was just thinking on the way to the bus of just how much ive helped him with everything. he really was greatful. then we hugged a couple of times and i left..

 

the thing is that im now seeing a psychologist to face the demons of my past. it seems like i always need a decent kick in the **** in order to get my **** together... my psychologist also suggested for me to go see a psychiatrist which i will do this week. i know pills alone are no cure but i also know that firstly it runs in my family and secondly i just cant cope with winter coming now. i need a little motivation in order to get out of bed and do my art and what not... ive refused to take any kind of medication so far but these days sometimes my heart gets so heavy, especially on these foggy winter days, that i really dont want to struggle anymore if there is a low dosage thing that can help me get back on track and help myself to improve my life...

 

i dont know. ive never even written in a forum but right now i just feel like any guidance would be muchly appreciated. i am working on myself as much as i can and once i feel like im better, and once he sees the changes, maybe it really might work out. i hope for it so much but i dont want to rely on it. i need to get better in any case...

 

theres this guy who i went on a date with recently and hes really sweet and beautiful and seems to be so much into me but i feel in my heart that it wouldnt be fair on either of us if i pretended that everything is ok and im over my ex. this guy also invited me to watch a movie at his place tonight which i politely declined because i know im vunerable and i dont want to put myself in a situation where i might "slip up" only to feel disgusting and dirty afterwards. i also definitely consume too much alcohol atm which has to stop.

 

im so in love with someone else and the thought of him getting it on with another girl devastates me. hes out celebrating his birthday today with his best mate, who basically has a couple of different girls each week. i dont know.. i know him quite well but right now it feels like i dont know anything anymore. i mean, he broke up with me and now hes celabrating, having a great time without me.. i dont know what he would or wouldnt do. maybe at least if he ***** someone else, it might not feel right afterwards either..

 

sorry guys i know there really isnt anything anyone can do right now but maybe if you have some tips as to how to act right now... like i said i cant just go out and distract myself with other guys. i dont want to. its like, id be lying to myself. id have to know that my ex has done it first and then i might be able to but thats not the point, because id still feel so upset.... i want him to realise that im the one, that i really am and can be a fitting piece to his puzzle. any input/ suggestions welcome, thank you! <3