She cheated.

[MrJoe]

Hey! New here. looking for some advice I guess. or words of wisdom.

 

 

Lets start from the beginning.

 

 

Been with this girl for 10years now. The last 5 we have our own home together and plan on getting married. Last year we had a miscarriage.

 

 

Back in April I found out she had been talking dirty to someone 15years older who has a wife and kid. I only saw 2 messages. I pulled here on it and it all blew up. She wiped her phone (I was too late to get it off her)

 

 

I had them both in our house trying to get out of it. I learned that it was banter....totally out of control! they would swap messages saying about hotels. Sex talk. I only heard this from her. She said they was going to meet up but she bottled out of it. I had no choice but to take her word and move on. She saw I was a wreck(lost a family member in the same month) She promised to never do it again.......

 

 

Now in the start of November I found out she had been up to **** with another bloke. Married with 2 kids. This time I got her phone. Lesson learned!

 

 

I told her I was going to plug it on the pc and go down it. Took my eyes off the ball! She damaged the bottom part of the iphone and smashed the screen. Then lied and said she did nothing to the phone. No biggie! I went and paid to get it repaired.

 

 

She told me it was just banter. The messages I managed to recover said otherwise. "you loved me sucking your ****"

I asked her about this and she lied lied lied. Finally she told me she did.

 

 

I question the bloke.. I ask how many times they had sex. He says to me 3times. She screams down the phone and says it was only twice.

In the next 3weeks I kept digging down her phone, using all sorts of software, jailbreaking it to see the files.

 

 

Every other day I was learning more and more. I found out that in the last year we been trying for a baby, she was on the pill. I already saw a message about the injection. I questioned her and she said she would go to doctors with me and ask how many times she has had the injection. Then admitting that she could ask about the injection and not say anything about the pill to hide it from me.

 

 

Again, I keep digging. Stuff just isn't adding up. She again.. admits that she has had sex 3 times not twice. And after lying about pictures and videos.. she admits she sent them.

 

 

All this in the space of 4 weeks. I was finding out more and more every other day. My mind was going crazy. She treated me like a right twat.!

 

 

One thing you should know. She is a liar. Im sure its an illness! If a pen was blue, she would sware for weeks that it was black..She has an appointment which I am going to with her to seek some kind of help. She says she hates herself(this has been going on before I found out about the 2nd guy) She has an OCD. In the past she has stolen money from me and gambled it away. Constant lying about everything.

 

 

Now I do have stuff that allows me to keep tabs on everything she does. I know its not right but to keep my mind at ease its the best for me.

Shes promising to change and in the last 6weeks she has. Then again I have been in this position before.. Maybe im scared to leave because I have nothing if I walk away. A mountain of debt that's in my name but 80% of it is hers. Maybe I don't want to be single at the close age of 30.

 

 

I want to think she will change and will not do anything like this again.

I probably know the answer you guys will give me. "RUN A ****ING MILE"

 

 

Im sure if more options became available to me I probably would..

 

 

At the moment I feel like a safety net for her. If I leave her will knows she will lose her job and probably the home. She will be left with nothing.

 

 

In my mind, im sure theres more to come out. But she will not admit anything else and im struggling to find anything else.

Even tho I have seen a lot, it was 90% of her. She was messaging this bloke all the time. He wasn't starting the conversations.

 

 

I do want to rip this dudes head off. And maybe once I've seen him I can start to move on.

 

 

Hope you enjoyed my story! Advice welcome!

[Fleur de cactus]

Dear Mr. Joe,

Sorry you are here. I did not finish the whole story but what i get is that your gf is a pathological liar and denial. I think you should get separated because it will be hard for you to monitor her and make sure she does not cheat. It look like she has a serious mental issue and needs therapy. As long she continues to deny and does not accept wrong doing, it is heart breaking and very depressing to you. She has to accept help from a therapist,or a counselor. She needs to accept that there is something wrong she needs to fix, to seek help and to let you have access to her phone all the time. She has to show you that she wants to change, otherwise I don't see any good future together. I also wonder the miscarriage was your baby. Get check for std. Sorry you are here with serious issues.

[Space Ritual]

One thing you should know. She is a liar.

 

You think? LOL...

Sorry man, I had to give you a small moment of Levity as I think you need it.

 

Where do I start?Before I do please understand that I speak to you with the best of intentions. sometimes my delivery leaves a lot to be desired as I'm usually pretty brutal. But I think you need to hear it Brutally.

 

Ok after reading this a couple of times I have just a couple of things to say.

 

1. You are suffering from Nice Guy syndrome. Please Google "No More Mr. Nice Guy". You can find it in PDF form. I suggest you read it. If anyone needs to hear some of the realities contained within it , it is certainly you.

 

2. Make sure you are getting enough to eat and drink lots of water. Even if you don't want to. The infidelity diet is a killer, and if you need some help to get some sleep, please go see a doctor. Seriously, there is no shame in asking for help. Doctors have heard it before so it's not like it would come as a shock. Please get tested for STD's as well.

 

3. Please realize that if you show her no consequences for her actions, there is no reason at all for her to change her behavior. She is far too toxic for you to marry, now or any time in the future unless she does all the hard work necessary to regain a modicum of trust. That means she will have to be transparent with you and give you access to any and all social media passwords at any time, and you will have to reserve the right to be able to look at anything she is involved in online at will. Please be forewarned that she will probably not be willing to do this. In that case you are going to have to show her the door in order to be able to heal. She is nowhere near remorseful for any of this. Frankly she is not mentally ill. That is too convenient. She is just a predator that has taken you for a sucker and given her no reason to think otherwise.

 

4. Do not even think of going after the other man physically. Let me tell you something. I was one of the guys who did. Sure it felt good putting somebody in intensive care, but that feeling was soon washed away when I became a guest of the Illinois Department of Corrections for the next 4 years. I ruined my life by going postal and changed my life in an instant and I've been paying for it for 30 years now since I got out. So get that out of your head. Not worth it.

 

 

Please see a solicitor and know your rights. You must get away from her. She has taken you for grated for too long and she now has to pay the piper. If she is living on the street because of her choices, then you know what? she should not have done what she did. It's really quite simple when you think about it. She must be shown consequences or there is simply no incentive to change. You may take a financial hit, but I'd rather be broke with my dignity intact than be financially secure and continue to be a sucker.

 

Most important of all....you have to take care of YOU right now. Please look into some sort of individual counseling from a professional that has experience in infidelity. again there is no shame in asking for help. You have been put through hell and a most foul type of hell. This is going to affect you for years. But you can get through this with a lot of hard work and love for yourself.

 

As far as her, she is a lost cause in my opinion, but I could give a rats patoot about her. It's YOU I'm talking to.I am very sorry you have had this hand grenade dropped on you. But it is now incumbent upon YOU to emerge from this not broken. You got this. Keep posting as often as you feel you need to. There are some people here that will be very supportive so please do not feel like this is a one and done thread.

 

Seriously, you have to protect yourself

[Marc878]

She's the problem not the other man. You're the bigger problem. Anyone would know what to do in this situation. You're making excuses to stay with this.

 

You can never fix her. You marry this then accept this as your life. You'll never be able to control her or keep an eye on this.

 

Is this really what you want your life to be like?

 

Leave this yesterday. And be very thankfull

[Sparta]

MrJoe, you're not married to her right, you don't have kids right why are you trying have a relationship with this completely broken woman. has no respect for you obviously, has mental and psychological problems beyond fixing. If I were you I would look at why what I want to continue to be with someone that is so horrible to me and broken. Then I would seek professional help as soon as possible IC independent counselor. Counselor I hope you work to hear issues that you will be the one that is on your level and not instructed to you and to your relationship. I hope you understand this relationship will never work you will continue to be surprised by her distracted behavior. It will never end.

[Try]

I question the bloke.. I ask how many times they had sex. He says to me 3times. She screams down the phone and says it was only twice. In the next 3weeks I kept digging down her phone, using all sorts of software, jailbreaking it to see the files.

Why are you still digging? What more do you need to know? You know that she had sex with this guy multiple times and lied to you about it. The only reason that you are still digging is because you do not want to actually act.

 

All this in the space of 4 weeks. I was finding out more and more every other day. My mind was going crazy. She treated me like a right twat.!

Shes promising to change and in the last 6weeks she has.

Since the last 6 weeks includes the 4 weeks that she was lying to you and even destroying her phone to hide her text messages, please forgive me if I do not believe that she has really changed.

 

Maybe im scared to leave because I have nothing if I walk away. A mountain of debt that's in my name but 80% of it is hers. Maybe I don't want to be single at the close age of 30.

Better to walk away at 30 with a mountain of debt that is 80% hers, than to walk away at 40, paying alimony, child support, and even more debt that is hers.

[S2B]

You can't control her and she can't control herself.

 

You need to end this and be grateful you got out of it! It doesn't matter what it costs you = it's worth it!

 

I hope you act fast.

[Darren Steez]

Bro you're 30, not 80, not 90, not even 60 but 30. That's young.

 

What you're doing is wasting time on a waster. She's with you because she knows this type of behaviour would have had her kicked out by another bloke years ago. You talk about debt? You think after a couple more of years she's going to reduce it or more likely you'll be in the same hold, maybe deeper?

 

First off stop paying for her stuff. If you've got joint accounts then separate them and for heaven's sake don't have a baby with this woman and run.

 

30 is young. Read No More Mr NiceGuy and stop this madness.

[road]

You can't control her and she can't control herself.

 

You need to end this and be grateful you got out of it! It doesn't matter what it costs you = it's worth it!

 

I hope you act fast.

 

 

Also 30 is not old.

 

 

You have lost sight that dating is the job interview for marriage and she has failed. Dump her before you have more debt, kids, heartbreak.

[MrJoe]

Woah! I knew this was going to be brutal.

 

 

Not sure if I said this but after the first crap in April, the next event started middle of May and lasted until November.

She said she was falling for him and expected him to drop his wife and kids for her. Even I could see that was never going to happen. He used her and she loved it.

 

 

Shes got a therapy / counselling tomorrow. Im going with and want to see how it develops.

 

 

I have no idea why I wish to stay. I do have access to everything see does now. And im sure if I stay I will probably be back here within the next year making another post on how right you all was. Although I hope I am wrong.

 

 

My health did go down hill a bit when I found out. Stopped eating, turned to drink. She saw this and continued to lie so save her own ass.

 

 

The reason I keep digging..? Maybe I think theres more to come out. Why should I care? I have no bloody idea!!

 

 

This is my 2nd major relationship and I just don't like the thought of throwing 10years away after I have spent so much time and energy in building up a nice home.

 

 

The debt im in is because of her gambling addiction. I really cant remember too much what I wrote last night and im sorry if I have repeated myself.

 

 

I know going after the other guy is probably a bad idea. I just sit here and read the messages over and over and get annoyed by the **** he says.

 

 

Anyone had experience with staying with someone who has cheated? Did it end well?

[Space Ritual]

Woah! I knew this was going to be brutal.

 

 

Not sure if I said this but after the first crap in April, the next event started middle of May and lasted until November.

She said she was falling for him and expected him to drop his wife and kids for her. Even I could see that was never going to happen. He used her and she loved it.

 

 

Shes got a therapy / counselling tomorrow. Im going with and want to see how it develops.

 

 

I have no idea why I wish to stay. I do have access to everything see does now. And im sure if I stay I will probably be back here within the next year making another post on how right you all was. Although I hope I am wrong.

 

 

My health did go down hill a bit when I found out. Stopped eating, turned to drink. She saw this and continued to lie so save her own ass.

 

 

The reason I keep digging..? Maybe I think theres more to come out. Why should I care? I have no bloody idea!!

 

 

This is my 2nd major relationship and I just don't like the thought of throwing 10years away after I have spent so much time and energy in building up a nice home.

 

 

The debt im in is because of her gambling addiction. I really cant remember too much what I wrote last night and im sorry if I have repeated myself.

 

 

I know going after the other guy is probably a bad idea. I just sit here and read the messages over and over and get annoyed by the **** he says.

 

 

Anyone had experience with staying with someone who has cheated? Did it end well?

 

 

Your last question was something I knew was coming even before I got to it.

 

I get it man, I really do. You came here looking for someone, anyone in fact who would tell you that things were going to work out and everything was going to be alright. I really do understand that. Many people come here seeking that same thing.

 

But even though you want this to work out, which I get. You know in your own heart of hearts that is just not a doable thing, unless you want to be steamrolled by this woman for the rest of your days.

 

I don't think anyone will change your mind, and that is ok. We only give advice based on our experiences and the information provided by the Original Poster. Like anything else, take what you need and leave the rest.

 

I do have something I would like you to ponder however....

 

If what you wrote to us was written to you by a good friend asking for advice, would you be quick to offer advice to ride the storm out? Or would you be telling your friend to kick her out as soon as possible?

 

Good Luck man, you have a very difficult road ahead of you, which is an unenviable position to be in. I hope you understand that choosing to do nothing is also choice.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Space Ritual
Spelling...what else?

[S2B]

You stay? You can expect that she will always cheat. It's who she is man!

 

You want this to change? Eliminate the cheater.

 

Otherwise you know you're just staying with someone who will always cheat.

 

Betraying yourself that way will make you sick.

[lolablue17]

You know you should leave her immediately, but you afraid to lose what you have achieved till now.

 

1. You have debts on your name (her gambling)

2. You've invested 10 years of your life in her, it's not easy to throw it all away.

3. You have feelings for her. If you leave you'll feel a lot of pain.

 

Every beginner in the investment market will tell you, that a winner investor is the one who know when to cut his losses.

 

1. You're on debts? well, if you stay she will not pay you back. In fact you will lose a lot more if you stay. So, financially, you must cut your losses and get rid of this hole in your pocket (her).

 

2. You were blind for 10 years! On April you finally opend your eyes and discovered who she really is. I'm sure she had many many guys in the past 10 years, that you weren't aware of. She were scr#wing arround ALL the time, most of your relationship. How do I know? I don't, but I've known this type. it's less than 1% chance that she's been faithful until last year. NO CHANCE!

 

So, like a car - You bought a new expensive car, but after 10 years, it doesn't worth a lot now. Yes, you invested 10 years more than you should have. You can treat it as a learning fee. Next time never stay with a liar ever. Next time be more alerted. You made a mistake, you're young, don't let this mistake to ruin your future life and that's what going to happen if you stay.

 

3. You love her. Well, I cannot argue with that. This is the most painful things to do, to leave someone you love. I just hope you will find enough strength to do what your logic tells you, and not what your heart tells you.

 

She doesn't love you back. Sorry to say. She loves you partially, but not really. Just to remind you that she was waiting to the other married guy to leave his wife for her. The only reason she wants to stay with you is because the other guy didn't want her. Not because she loves you.

 

So, if you love her - LEAVE NOW! Because it's a one sided love.

[smackie9]

Your relationship and how you see her and feel about her is forever changed. You will always find yourself in doubt, questioning, digging, never trusting her. That is some kind of unhealthy. It's ok to start over with someone else, and her issues are her responsibility not yours. You will never know what happiness is until the day you remove yourself from this relationship.

[Radu]

What you have on your hands is someone who is addicted to lying.

 

You are looking at it as if you lose 10yrs of your life and money by throwing in the towel, but the only thing you will gain for staying long term is to be stuck with an addict you have to check on constantly. What a way to live life.

[No Limit]

RUN A ****ING MILE indeed. Get a lawyer to protect yourself, and get rid of her (along with all her debt), she's been using you for a long time. Do not have a baby with her. And tell the married guy's wife.

[MrJoe]

oo that's another thing.

 

 

When I spoke to the bloke he said his wife knows. I spoke to her on twitter. Although im almost certain it was him on her account.. She refused to call or even come and give my girlfriend a slap lol

 

 

Im not sure she even knows. And I hate that!

 

 

He admitted a week after he tried to hide it from her. But she isn't acting like a wife that's been cheated on :|

[Sparta]

Joe I hope you don't think she just messed around with him. You know for a fact they had intercourse, full sex ... Whatever you want to call it. let's just get that out right now. That broke mess that you call a girlfriend, she will lie to you no matter what. You are fully aware of this. don't believe a word she says. If you decide to remain in this relationship with her. Look it never gets better it's worse. If a cheater is not forced to face consequences for their cheating. They automatically lose respect for you. They will make you pay for it again, A cheater down cheat on you again.

[Space Ritual]

oo that's another thing.

 

 

When I spoke to the bloke he said his wife knows. I spoke to her on twitter. Although im almost certain it was him on her account.. She refused to call or even come and give my girlfriend a slap lol

 

 

Im not sure she even knows. And I hate that!

 

 

He admitted a week after he tried to hide it from her. But she isn't acting like a wife that's been cheated on :|

 

 

I hate to harp on this but you seem more interested in this guy than you are in dealing with your GF. He is not the problem. It could have been anyone with a penis

 

It's your GF that is the problem. Until you show her some real consequences for her actions none of the rest of it matters.

 

If you plan on sweeping this under the rug and hoping it goes away, well that is your prerogative. However as I stated before, choosing to do nothing is a choice.

[Try]

This is my 2nd major relationship and I just don't like the thought of throwing 10years away after I have spent so much time and energy in building up a nice home.

You are married to a cheater that blows all your money on her gambling addiction, and you call that a nice home? I think if you had more than 2 major relationships you would know that you can do better, and you would know what a nice home really looked like. As for not wanting to throw 10 years away, you already did that. You are now like a gambler that thinks that they can pay their way out of their heavy gambling debt by gambling even more. It does not work that way.

 

The debt im in is because of her gambling addiction.

Wrong. The debt that you are in is because you continued to help fund a gambling addict by staying married to her. Take responsibility for your continued lack of action on the cheating and the gambling. Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. By this definition, you are certifiably insane.

[Cephalopod]

You are being abused by a narcissistic cheat and liar. Your GF reminds me so much of the way my xWW was when we were dating. She was always pushing the boundaries with other guys, and I always relented and gave her a pass.

 

When we got married she got ten times worse, until she finally cheated on me wth several ONS and one LTA.

 

Get out while you can. Don't look back.

[MrJoe]

Its done.

 

 

Hearing your brutal but honest thoughts. I asked her last night "to fix my mind, will you take a lie detector?"

 

 

Straight up refused.

 

 

Job done. Game over.

 

 

I've moved out and now I have no clue what to do lol

She txt me a lot today, I have not replied. Its the hardest thing I have had to do.

 

 

But I guess **** goes on.

 

 

Thanks again for opening my eyes!

[edelveis]

I dont think you should think about it twice.Even if you have feelings for this toxic woman.you are not going to live a happy complete life with her or find you way to your salvation. hard or not just walk away from her.trust me i talk by experience

[Cephalopod]

It is a hard road friend. It won't be easy. But you can move forward knowing that you value yourself and that you will not be abused or taken advantage of by a selfish person.

 

Like you said, she has shown you all you need to know about what she thinks of you.

[sandylee1]

Why on earth do you want to stay with a serial cheating liar of a GF? She isn't wife material or decent mother material... get rid of her and save yourself the hassle. She's sleeping with MM and risking your sexual health... she doesn't care and her morals are very very loose.

 

Forget about her and get therapy yourself to find out why you accept this behaviour. She WILL continue to do this while you are there. If she didn't want a baby..she should have told you.

 

The Trust is gone and you should be gone too.