SethDamien Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I've been in a cycle of depression for two years already. Im 24 and i just want to figure out life as i can't see a clear future for me... Last year, my girlfriend of 3 years left me, 2 months later, my dad died of cancer. Then me and my mother, both depressed, often fought and i often find myself sleeping in a friend's house. Now, i finally left home because me and my family just didn't get along.. i was unquestionably the black sheep of the family. I loved my Ex dearly, but she already has a new boyfriend... i've dated several girls this year but i still cant kick my ex off the pedestal. I still cry for her at night. I dont know if i still love her, or i just hate the idea of being alone. I don't have many friends... My depression often get me into an isolationist mentality. either i'm too tired to get out more, or not in the mood. and my few friends are also busy with their lives. Im often the quiet guy but I do lead conversations sometimes. In my work, im in upper management, but the pay is still not good enough. I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, no car. I don't want to move to a higher paying job either and work hard to kill myself... im not really into the employment thing... Days pass by and i worry why i haven't progressed an inch in my life yet. I fear im wasting the best years of my life. i hate the fact that I've wasted years of my life lingering in the past and uncertain about my future. I think about suicide, but i would never actually do it... but if i was to be in a deadly accident, then that would be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
AspenBaldwin Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I just wanna hug you really tight Seth. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Sorry, you are very hurt. I am so sorry to hear how you feel right now. The first thing you have to do is to find a therapist if you do not have one already. Then take care of yourself. You need to be healthy mentally and physically. You need to show your ex that you are better than she thought. If you continue living this situation, your ex will justify leaving you. But if you take care of you, maintain your job, get out and make friends at least she will hear good things about you. Depression is a serious illness. It will not go away without treatment. Please take care of yourself. I really wish you good luck. I know you can do it. You already have a job. You have your own place. Just make small steps and you will overcome the situation you in right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SethDamien Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) @ AspenBaldwin. Thank you! i needed that. i hugging myself as we speak @ Fleur de cactus Thanks, but I dont think therapy is an option for me. I cant afford it and i'm not really comfortable opening up to them, though i know they're trained to help i exercise sometimes by way of cleaning up my place or doing my laundry, etc... i don't have a burner in my apartment, so i only eat outside, but i usually order healthy meals. Edited December 13, 2015 by SethDamien Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I lost my father in my early 20's, it's really hard so I know how awful you feel, plus the loss of your gf, you and your mom not getting along well - it adds up, no wonder you're feeling down. allow yourself to grieve, it's okay... Find a fun passion, something that makes you feel good and puts a smile on your face. Do yoga and exercise daily this helps your mind and body be more peaceful and will lessen your depression. Do push yourself to be around the friends you do have, they can help you feel better. Link to post Share on other sites
Eaglescout88 Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 My heart goes out to you SethDamien. You seem to be in such a dark place right now where there seems to be little comfort or peace in sight. Please be encouraged as I can relate to you in multiple ways and it can get better. When I was in my third year in college, I was 21 years old and thought things were going to be so wonderful for me, then the floor fell from under me. My father died of a massive heart attack in October and before the end of the year my girlfriend of several years broke up with me. For the next few years I kept trying to get back with her without success and with much misery. I felt as though my heart was empty and I kept trying to fill it in with my girlfriend, work, or stuff. It didn’t matter how well I succeeded at work or how much stuff I had, the emptiness was still there. When I was 29, I decided to go back to a church that I attended when I was a child. What I found there filled in the hole that nothing else could fill, giving me a sense of peace and joy that I never knew before. Four years later I was married and now, we, my wife at 40 and I at 41, have four children. I know you said counseling isn’t an option right now, but when you’re ready, you might check to see if there are local churches or non-profits that provide counseling services on a sliding fee scale. Once again, I know that it seems like things are grim and will never get better right now, please be encouraged. Kevin Link to post Share on other sites
Author SethDamien Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 @Eaglescout88 my thoughts exactly... i know im gonna get bashed for saying this, but for two years after our break up, i was still trying to make things right with my ex even though she was seeing someone else... she gave me signals that there might still be a chance, so i kept pursuing her while battling jealousy... Regarding my family, i know the bitterness is gone between us, but i cant force myself to love them anymore... dont get me wrong, i still care for them, but i cant get back the respect i once had for my mom, not after what happened. and every time i visit there, the air between us is just tense. During the past 2 years, i tried my best to succeed at everything. I topped our national license exams, rose to upper management in our company, holding several projects on my own... but maybe its just my pride that i wanted to show everyone that im doing well without them. I didnt wanna show them how low i've become, losing my dad, family, gf, and consequentially, most of my friends in just one year. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SethDamien Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 I did join our local church's support group, where aside from studies, they also do sharing to help troubled members. But my work schedule is too busy that i wasn't able to join... But it did cross my mind... Most online stuff i read also say, i need to love myself more and i will lose dependency on other people... You will not look for relationships just to fill a gap, but you will learn in time that the right person will arrive just in time... Link to post Share on other sites
Dylon Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 Hey Seth, sorry for the pain. Sounds like a chain of bad events in your life. Also seems like losing your gf was a very big kick in the butt, losing an emotional support in your life. It's strange how maybe just one simple event could change our life sometimes. For example, I was in a bad state too when I was your age and then a gf fixed a lot. Don't give up with bad thoughts. You are very young and you won't bellieve me now, but you have so much good things ahead of you. Wow, a wife, children to occupy so much love and your time, new friends, and just load of support. You just can't get into this hopeless mode. Link to post Share on other sites
Countryredneckbae Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 I've been in a cycle of depression for two years already. Im 24 and i just want to figure out life as i can't see a clear future for me... Last year, my girlfriend of 3 years left me, 2 months later, my dad died of cancer. Then me and my mother, both depressed, often fought and i often find myself sleeping in a friend's house. Now, i finally left home because me and my family just didn't get along.. i was unquestionably the black sheep of the family. I loved my Ex dearly, but she already has a new boyfriend... i've dated several girls this year but i still cant kick my ex off the pedestal. I still cry for her at night. I dont know if i still love her, or i just hate the idea of being alone. I don't have many friends... My depression often get me into an isolationist mentality. either i'm too tired to get out more, or not in the mood. and my few friends are also busy with their lives. Im often the quiet guy but I do lead conversations sometimes. In my work, im in upper management, but the pay is still not good enough. I live in a 1 bedroom apartment, no car. I don't want to move to a higher paying job either and work hard to kill myself... im not really into the employment thing... Days pass by and i worry why i haven't progressed an inch in my life yet. I fear im wasting the best years of my life. i hate the fact that I've wasted years of my life lingering in the past and uncertain about my future. I think about suicide, but i would never actually do it... but if i was to be in a deadly accident, then that would be fine. I am the same way with the depression for 2 years. No sooner do i become happy again i go down hard with depression. Link to post Share on other sites
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