Is he or he is not in this marriage?

[Jeweled87]

My husband and I have have been together for 6 years-married 2 out of those 6. I know that we love each and he is my best friend. Our sex life is something I felt that we could work on, it only happens once every 2 weeks, a lot of the time I initiate the sex and have to try really hard for him to have sex. I've told him that and asked if he was satisfied with how I look and our sex life. He agreed we should have sex more and said that he thinks I'm beautiful.

Last week, while at a company Xmas party, his coworker were joking about how my husband and another coworker go to strip clubs while on business trips. This was news to me and I was furious. He admitted it to me and apologize. I'm still upset that he didn't tell me and I feel unwanted and betrayed.

With this new found mistrust, I snooped on his iPad and found a LOT of porn. Like, he watching it every other day. I knew he did watch it but I didn't know it was this frequent. I know snooping was wrong but I had to.

I'm a little broken. I feel very alone and unwanted in this marriage. How do I tell him my feelings? How do I tell him that my trust in him is decreasing? Am I overthinking things entirely?

[Poutrew]

The reason he is so distant to you is that he is getting his needs met outside the marriage - via porn and girlie shows at strip clubs. Hopefully there hasn't been anything physical - but it will eventually happen if he doesn't get his porn addiction under control - and it is an addiction. Ask him how much money he spends between drinks and slipping dollar bills into G-strings. If you want your relationship to survive (and if he wants it to) then he must give up *ALL* porn. Not sure how you can stop him from straying while he is on his business trips - but you can tell him if he does it again, then you will have to visit some male strip joints while he is away as well - just to see what all the excitement is about, dontcha' know... I'd bet he wouldn't like that one bit. Just remind him that while you can't control what he does with the guys on those business trips, he can't control you while he is away, either. His response to this will tell you which way to take your relationship into the future... good luck.

[pondhawk]

Grrrr....(quick side note)...you hear this all the time from men. Men want to be respected?? Well, respect is earned. Men want to be appreciated, validated, and praised? Then behave praise worthy. Behave in a way to be appreciated and validated....

This is how you "F" it all up men: porn and strip clubs.

 

You don't deserve a good wife (who is actually initiating sex, btw) and get your goodies on the side.

 

Sorry! That was my rant for the day. This story hit too close to home.

 

OP, I'm sorry this is happening. It is soul crushing. It's betrayal. You can guarantee he isn't just looking at porn and eating animal crackers. He's getting excited, releasing that tension by masturbating, and eliminating you for his sexual need as his wife. It's a form of cheating. Well, you have needs too.

 

Be 100% honest with him. Life is too short to beat around the bush and not be clear. If it is too difficult to say how you truly feel, write it in the form of a letter. He needs to know that his behavior and lack of character has not only broken your trust, but had crippled your self esteem. You feel less than, alone, unwanted, and you can't compete with porn queens with airbrushed bodies. These things need to be crystal clear to him.

 

Next, you need to implement boundaries and consequences and stick to them. What are you not going to accept and what will be the consequences?

 

No, you are not overthinking these things. There is a study that says excessive porn use leads to actual infidelity as no image is good enough.... It was in my case in marriage #1 and I'm trying to nip it in the bud in my current marriage.

 

Best of luck, if he doesn't take you serious, ask for marriage counseling.

Edited December 14, 2015 by pondhawk
typo