Fiance won't talk to me or pick calls after fight

[Bloombergs]

As the title says, by boyfriend of nearly 3 years (fiance for 1 year) won't talk to me or pick my calls after an argument we had this Friday evening. We have had some small arguments in the last months, mostly because he likes to make really offensive jokes that sound more like passive aggressive attacks.

 

He has also said some really hurtful things in the past, including some really graphic details of what he did (in bed) with other women before me. I tried to put up with it at first, but when he did that once after and before we got intimate towards the end of my first visit... that was when I then told him he had to stop. He'd do it less, but still did it from time to time. So yes, I started to harbor some resentment towards him (for that and other hurtful remarks he made and often disguised as jokes).

 

We talk via Skype almost daily... yesterday I tried to call him to his mobile and on Skype. Left some messages there, I am certain he was there but ignored them. The call got through every time, but no answer.

 

Now what makes this even more shocking and hurtful: one week ago I had to take the inburgering (integration exam - he is dutch). I had to travel to a different city in my own country, I couldn't sleep the previous night, but I still had to go. I studied for months for this exam, I had to go to this huge city where I knew no one... no sleep, tired, etc.

 

This feels so surreal. I need advice. I've had so many bad experiences in the past... I thought I had finally found someone who wouldn't hurt me. I feel so lost not knowing what to do.

 

By the way, he is the same guy I talked about in this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/472162-am-i-overreacting#post5644017

Edited December 13, 2015 by Bloombergs

[Fleur de cactus]

I wouldn't attach myself to someone who would punish me with a silent treatment. Believe me this type of behavior will not change just because you are married. He sounds immature boy. Since he does not want to talk to you, try to relax and continue your agenda. Don't be bothered by his childish attitude. I don't think your a match . Ask yourself again why you want to marry this guy.

[Bloombergs]

Thank you, but it hurts so bad I feel I screwed up so bad... I thought he was different, because he had never done this to me. And to be fair in the very beginning I might have done something similar (not being online two days or so - to cool off).

 

But I'd never be online with my status set to invisible (like he did)... reading my fiance's messages and ignoring her calls. It's so cruel. I'd have replied asap... specially if she had gone through so much effort taking an exam (to be with me) in a different city just a few days ago... One of my friends says I should wait 2 days and see what happens. I feel devastated. I never thought he could be so cold.

 

It hurts so bad and no idea what to do, because I never expected this behavior from him... but I think his family has something to do with this. They don't like me (I'd say here why, but it's a long story and makes no sense to me, because I really did nothing wrong for them to treat me the way they did last time I was there).

 

I can't believe this is happening Literally... I can't. I can't wrap my head around this... it feels so surreal... just one week ago we were so happy I had just taken that exam. Makes no sense to me, this is what makes matters worse... I should be getting my results this or next week, and if I get them and he hasn't gotten back to me by then I know I am going to feel terrible.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Bloombergs

[NewLeaf512]

I wouldn't attach myself to someone who would punish me with a silent treatment. Believe me this type of behavior will not change just because you are married. He sounds immature boy. Since he does not want to talk to you, try to relax and continue your agenda. Don't be bothered by his childish attitude. I don't think your a match . Ask yourself again why you want to marry this guy.

 

What fleur said. Google "punishing someone using the silent treatment"

[Bloombergs]

Thank you, I just did, but any other advice? What should I do now about this? It hurts so bad. This is something new, he had NEVER done this before.

[clia]

Well, based on your last post, it's been building up to this since you met him in person for the first time three months ago. His communication has dropped and now your fight has given him the justification he needs to be done with the relationship entirely.

 

What should you do? Stop trying to contact him and move on.

 

(This post said you've been together three years and engaged for one. The other post says you've been together only one year. Which is it? Do you have an engagement ring?)

[d0nnivain]

I would put all wedding & immigration plans on indefinite hold until you can get pre-marital counseling.

[Lois_Griffin]

Not sure if you're planning on coming back to this thread as you didn't go back to your last thread.

 

Just wanted to ask - is this guy now 31 years old and is he STILL living with mommy and daddy?

 

Anyone that age still living at home is obviously emotionally stunted and doesn't want to grow up. And he's proving to you how emotionally stunted he really IS with this latest childish behavior. Why would you be surprised by anything childish he does at this point? I'd expect this type of nonsense from someone his age still living with his parents. Jeez.

 

I get the sense that you plan on holding on to this guy no matter how badly he treats you. That's unfortunate that you don't think you deserve better than this man-child.

[violetdiamond]

Giving someone the silent treatment is a terrible way to treat your fiance. I was married to someone who often gave me the silent treatment (only instead of it happening long distance, it happened right in my house in front of me! And in my experience, my ex-husband's behavior started to get worse over time, not better---the "silent treatment" days increased as our marriage went on. No on deserves to be treated that way...it is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive. I hope by now you have gotten through to him and he realizes that he is not treating you with respect at all. When you guys are talking again, I would let him know just how upset you were when he treated you that way. Sorry this happened to you

[basil67]

I've had so many bad experiences in the past... I thought I had finally found someone who wouldn't hurt me. I feel so lost not knowing what to do.

 

Sweetie, he's been showing that he's capable of hurting you since you met him in person. The warning signs have been loud and clear but you've been letting them slide. Yes, I know that you told him how much it hurts, but the fact remains that this guy thought it was an OK way to treat you - or else he wouldn't have done it. The ignoring, the rude comments - none of this is OK.

 

You say that you've had so many bad experiences in the past. I can't help but wonder if you've been too forgiving in your previous relationships too. Could it be that in your keenness for a relationship, you aren't paying serious enough attention to things which really should warn you off?

 

It's time to pull right back. Postpone the wedding till you get all of this sorted out to your own satisfaction.

[Bloombergs]

Well, based on your last post, it's been building up to this since you met him in person for the first time three months ago. His communication has dropped and now your fight has given him the justification he needs to be done with the relationship entirely.

 

What should you do? Stop trying to contact him and move on.

 

(This post said you've been together three years and engaged for one. The other post says you've been together only one year. Which is it? Do you have an engagement ring?)

 

That other post it's very old. When we had just met. We got engaged one year ago and yes with a real ring.

[Bloombergs]

Not sure if you're planning on coming back to this thread as you didn't go back to your last thread.

 

Just wanted to ask - is this guy now 31 years old and is he STILL living with mommy and daddy?

 

Anyone that age still living at home is obviously emotionally stunted and doesn't want to grow up. And he's proving to you how emotionally stunted he really IS with this latest childish behavior. Why would you be surprised by anything childish he does at this point? I'd expect this type of nonsense from someone his age still living with his parents. Jeez.

 

I get the sense that you plan on holding on to this guy no matter how badly he treats you. That's unfortunate that you don't think you deserve better than this man-child.

 

No, he finally moved out from his parents house, bought a house this year months after the engagement. And he had never reacted this way before, hence I feel so shocked... I thought he was different. He is 32 years old now, by the way.

[Bloombergs]

Giving someone the silent treatment is a terrible way to treat your fiance. I was married to someone who often gave me the silent treatment (only instead of it happening long distance, it happened right in my house in front of me! And in my experience, my ex-husband's behavior started to get worse over time, not better---the "silent treatment" days increased as our marriage went on. No on deserves to be treated that way...it is passive aggressive and emotionally abusive. I hope by now you have gotten through to him and he realizes that he is not treating you with respect at all. When you guys are talking again, I would let him know just how upset you were when he treated you that way. Sorry this happened to you

 

Thank you very much, I was feeling devastated Your message made me feel so much better, it's great to read a message from someone who understands and shows compassion, believe me, not many people has showed compassion. I am a very sensitive person, I know I have made mistakes, but what happened last Friday was the result of all those hurtful comments/jokes, remarks he has been making the last 2 years and 7 months. I guess he didn't like it. He had never given me the silent treatment before.

 

And, I haven't checked yet whether or not he has answered my messages (if I check now and there is nothing there I might not be able to sleep. By the way, yesterday when I was sending him the messages, I am almost certain that he was online on Skype, but set his status as invisible. So he read my messages yesterday and he knew I was hurting. I think he was there because when I called him on Skype the calls got through, but never answered.

[Bloombergs]

Sweetie, he's been showing that he's capable of hurting you since you met him in person. The warning signs have been loud and clear but you've been letting them slide. Yes, I know that you told him how much it hurts, but the fact remains that this guy thought it was an OK way to treat you - or else he wouldn't have done it. The ignoring, the rude comments - none of this is OK.

 

You say that you've had so many bad experiences in the past. I can't help but wonder if you've been too forgiving in your previous relationships too. Could it be that in your keenness for a relationship, you aren't paying serious enough attention to things which really should warn you off?

 

It's time to pull right back. Postpone the wedding till you get all of this sorted out to your own satisfaction.

 

Yes, I guess deep down I thought those things weren't such a big deal, because in the past I had dealt with men who were way worse. I was just happy a man was finally taking me seriously, and seemed to be honest and not be hiding anything (he always kept his mail and Skype open every time I was there). So I was like wow... since I have never been treated right.

 

Thanks for letting me know I wasn't exaggerating, I had a talk with a friend today and she told me I acted the way I was supposed to act considering all the past offenses -I am no saint and this last Friday I just had it. His ''Sorry, I love you'' weren't enough - I was fuming.

 

I still want to fix the things, but I've decided to wait til he gets back to me. Calling him or trying to make further contact would only humiliate me further. I do think he is also acting like this (ignoring me) because his parents no longer approve of me (long story). They are selfish and don't care if their son is happy with me, they just want to have everything their way.

 

And yes, in case you were wondering I have a low self-esteem and suffer from depression; I was sexually abused when I was just a child. I went to therapy for years, but I guess I haven't been able to get past it.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Bloombergs

[Bloombergs]

I'm a female 28 years old, been with him 3 years. Engaged for one year, and yes, we got engaged with ring and everything. We went on a nice trip to a different country and got engaged there.

 

What should I do??? The waiting is killing me, I can't eat, and I can hardly sleep. This is messing with me badly. I feel so depressed and confused. He had never done this before. Please advice me, what should I do??? This is supposed to be a serious relationship.

Edited December 14, 2015 by Bloombergs

[ExpatInItaly]

First, it would be better to stick to one thread and continue to interact with the posters there instead of beginning a new one. It will be more productive.

 

Second, you can't do anything but keep moving along with your life. I had an ex who did this to me. It is essentially emotional abuse. The first couple times he froze me out, I went looking for him. I tried to contact him, hurt and confused and asking him to please talk to me. Believe me, I know how painful it is. People like that relish that type of power, and it's disturbing. The more you beg for them to speak, the more they'll stay silent.

 

I finally smartened up and quit going after him. Guess who came running back. Only by that point I'd already made a decision to move on. I coudn't stay with someone who had so little respect for me and the relationship. You need to seriously consider where your boundaries are and whether you want to commit to a lifetime of this. Because unless and until he acknowledges the problem, it's not going to improve.

[cupcakebunny]

Communication is so important.

 

 

1. You should feel safe and comfortable approaching your significant other about issues. It sounds like he makes that difficult.

 

 

2. Cool down and space after a fight is one thing - but refusing to pick up and at least say 'I know you want to talk but I need some time, I'll give you a call tomorrow.' is ridiculous. Frankly it doesn't even sound like that bad of a fight. It sounds like he just doesn't want to deal with your concerns. Like at all.

 

 

I know this is harsh but he doesn't seem to have much respect for you. The fact that he keeps talking about his previous partner in such graphic detail even after you asked him to stop is a huge red flag. He doesn't care how you feel. I think you need to take a hard look and reevaluate this relationship -- you should put any wedding/wedding planning and any major changes on hold until you deal with this as I based on the few things you said, this guy sounds like bad news.