Cheating spouse. Found out 17 years later.

[Adrian73]

We’ve been together since we were 16, we were engaged at 24, married at 28, we are now 42. We were both virgins when we met and besides a very much failed experiment with another couple in our early 20’s we have never been with anyone else.

 

I found out about 6 months ago that after we got engaged my wife decided that she shouldn’t get married only ever having been with one man. Based on that over the course of about a year she slept with 4 different men. That year was the first year of our engagement. I believe 3 of them were just one night stands but the other one was an affair that lasted about 4 months.

 

I only found out about the affair after the guy contacted me and told me everything. I have no idea of his motivations and he won’t answer any more questions. He now lives on the other side of the world. The one night stands I found out through my wife’s admissions after I confronted her.

 

She has promised that she has been faithful since that time and regrets it all. I thought about it a great deal and wanted to try and make things work. Initially I thought that it happened so long ago that I could quickly put it in the past but it hasn’t been as easy as I thought. I can look at her one moment as see the woman I love but the next moment I see her as nothing more than a liar and cheat and wonder what else there is that I don’t know about.

 

Truthfully I also think I am a little bit jealous. I could have done these same things. I have at times wondered what it would be like with another woman but I have never acted on that. I am also having great difficulty treating her friends the same way I used to as apparently not only did they know about what she was doing, they encouraged it and actively helped her cover her tracks. I have asked her to consider whether they are truly friends and while she acknowledges their fault she says much the same about them as she does about herself. That they were totally wrong then but they are all changed people now.

 

I don’t know what to do. I desperately want to be with my wife but I fear this woman I am with now is not the woman I fell in love with and devoted my life to. I have only told my parents and a close friend. My parents say if that’s her only mistake that I should look past it and focus on all the good in her. My friend is totally the opposite and says it’s unforgiveable but she will still support me if I decide to forgive. She has told me to leave though and move in with her while I work it all out.

 

I feel in order to forgive and truly move on I have to let the past go but I don’t believe I am strong enough to do that. I mean I really want to, I really want to stay but I think it will forever linger and if we ever have an argument and I have not truly forgiven it will raise its head. I don’t want to and I don’t want my wife to have to live with this hanging over our heads that it might explode at any moment.

 

I have read that even though it happened a long time ago that to me it is like it happened yesterday as I just found out. I guess that is true but how do you solve that problem? I can’t magically skip 17 years in advance to see how my feelings are then. My wife however has had 17 years to come to terms with this. Of course that also means that she has had 17 years where she could have told me.

 

I’d appreciate hearing whatever people are willing to share. Is it possible to move on, I mean really move on, truly forgive and forget about it? Or am I just wasting my time holding on to something that is essentially over because I’m scared of what might come next?

 

Anyone’s comments who has been in a similar situation would be very much appreciated, especially if it is now years later from the time you found out.

[Marc878]

You're in a tough spot. Your wife will never understand this as she's not on the receiving end of it and neither is anyone else. Betrayal even years before cuts deep.

 

I'd take some time away from her and just think. Be carefull of your female friend. She sounds like she could be interested in you therefore driving a wedge to get her chance?

 

It is something if you stay you'll have to live with the rest of your life.

 

You're young so you could make a new life for yourself but there are no guarantees. You'll have to weigh what you have against a maybe.

 

A good therapist could help but some of these people are complete morons. Be carefull here.

 

Sorry you are here.

[road]

We’ve been together since we were 16, we were engaged at 24, married at 28, we are now 42. We were both virgins when we met and besides a very much failed experiment with another couple in our early 20’s we have never been with anyone else.

 

I found out about 6 months ago that after we got engaged my wife decided that she shouldn’t get married only ever having been with one man. Based on that over the course of about a year she slept with 4 different men. That year was the first year of our engagement. I believe 3 of them were just one night stands but the other one was an affair that lasted about 4 months.

 

I only found out about the affair after the guy contacted me and told me everything. I have no idea of his motivations and he won’t answer any more questions. He now lives on the other side of the world. The one night stands I found out through my wife’s admissions after I confronted her.

 

She has promised that she has been faithful since that time and regrets it all. I thought about it a great deal and wanted to try and make things work. Initially I thought that it happened so long ago that I could quickly put it in the past but it hasn’t been as easy as I thought. I can look at her one moment as see the woman I love but the next moment I see her as nothing more than a liar and cheat and wonder what else there is that I don’t know about.

 

Truthfully I also think I am a little bit jealous. I could have done these same things. I have at times wondered what it would be like with another woman but I have never acted on that. I am also having great difficulty treating her friends the same way I used to as apparently not only did they know about what she was doing, they encouraged it and actively helped her cover her tracks. I have asked her to consider whether they are truly friends and while she acknowledges their fault she says much the same about them as she does about herself. That they were totally wrong then but they are all changed people now.

 

I don’t know what to do. I desperately want to be with my wife but I fear this woman I am with now is not the woman I fell in love with and devoted my life to. I have only told my parents and a close friend. My parents say if that’s her only mistake that I should look past it and focus on all the good in her. My friend is totally the opposite and says it’s unforgiveable but she will still support me if I decide to forgive. She has told me to leave though and move in with her while I work it all out.

 

I feel in order to forgive and truly move on I have to let the past go but I don’t believe I am strong enough to do that. I mean I really want to, I really want to stay but I think it will forever linger and if we ever have an argument and I have not truly forgiven it will raise its head. I don’t want to and I don’t want my wife to have to live with this hanging over our heads that it might explode at any moment.

 

I have read that even though it happened a long time ago that to me it is like it happened yesterday as I just found out. I guess that is true but how do you solve that problem? I can’t magically skip 17 years in advance to see how my feelings are then. My wife however has had 17 years to come to terms with this. Of course that also means that she has had 17 years where she could have told me.

 

I’d appreciate hearing whatever people are willing to share. Is it possible to move on, I mean really move on, truly forgive and forget about it? Or am I just wasting my time holding on to something that is essentially over because I’m scared of what might come next?

 

Anyone’s comments who has been in a similar situation would be very much appreciated, especially if it is now years later from the time you found out.

 

This brand new to you because you just found out now. Tell your WW that she is in a different place then you because she has had 17 tears to forget.

 

 

It takes two to five years to recover from an affair.

 

 

WW's are know to trickle truth the details about the affair so I doubt that you have been told the whole truth. Tell your WW that she has to take a polygraph test.

 

 

Your WW must go NC with those friends that supported her cheating. Your WW will complain but you tell her that those are the consequences of having an affair. Their support indicates that they cheated as well. Before you tell your WW this play dumb and ask her if they cheated too for it makes sense that they would as they preached.

 

 

Do you have any kids?

 

 

Also who's idea was it to open up the marriage in your 20's and why was that bad?

[Adrian73]

This brand new to you because you just found out now. Tell your WW that she is in a different place then you because she has had 17 tears to forget.

 

She gets that. She's not putting any pressure on me to make a decision or anything. It's more me, I don't know whether spending time, the 2 to 5 years you mention is going to ultimately end up in healing or end up being a waste of time.

 

It's an awful long time if the chances of success are minimal. That is what I am trying to get a feel for.

 

Your WW must go NC with those friends that supported her cheating. Your WW will complain but you tell her that those are the consequences of having an affair.

My initial thought was to demand that she stop seeing them. But she makes very convincing arguments, or maybe I am just gullible. She says that if I can believe that she made mistakes and truly changed why can I not believe it about others. I don't have an answer for that.

 

I think more than wanting her to stop seeing them I want it all out in the open so I can confront them and ask them why just as I did my wife. I am seeking answers more than punishment I think.

 

Do you have any kids?

4. 15, 13 and 10yo twins

 

Also who's idea was it to open up the marriage in your 20's and why was that bad?

Well it was my idea initially. Male, threesome fantasy. You know how it goes.

 

It ended up being a couple and we met 3 times but not much really happened besides oral sex as the other guy couldn't perform and I wouldn't continue if my wife couldn't.

 

At dinner before the 3rd time I just decided I didn't want all this drama, that I would rather be having sex with my wife right now. I called it all off, took her home and we decided together that we needed no-one else but ourselves. Or so I thought.

[Adrian73]

A good therapist could help but some of these people are complete morons. Be carefull here.

 

I have heard good and bad things. I am not against the idea if I knew it would help but I'm certainly not convinced.

[road]

She gets that. She's not putting any pressure on me to make a decision or anything. It's more me, I don't know whether spending time, the 2 to 5 years you mention is going to ultimately end up in healing or end up being a waste of time.

 

It's an awful long time if the chances of success are minimal. That is what I am trying to get a feel for.

 

My initial thought was to demand that she stop seeing them. But she makes very convincing arguments, or maybe I am just gullible. She says that if I can believe that she made mistakes and truly changed why can I not believe it about others. I don't have an answer for that.

 

I think more than wanting her to stop seeing them I want it all out in the open so I can confront them and ask them why just as I did my wife. I am seeking answers more than punishment I think.

 

4. 15, 13 and 10yo twins

 

Well it was my idea initially. Male, threesome fantasy. You know how it goes.

 

It ended up being a couple and we met 3 times but not much really happened besides oral sex as the other guy couldn't perform and I wouldn't continue if my wife couldn't.

 

At dinner before the 3rd time I just decided I didn't want all this drama, that I would rather be having sex with my wife right now. I called it all off, took her home and we decided together that we needed no-one else but ourselves. Or so I thought.

 

 

Well you having been married a long time, kids, she has not cheated for a long time, that is the motivation to try and keep your family together. Kids do better coming from an intact family then broken home.

 

 

Confronting them will do no good. They will try all kinds of spins on how they were not attacking you but trying to support your WW. These women attacked your relationship. They are not friends of the marriage. See they may be friends to your WW but they are not friends to your marriage.

 

 

Again you need to protect your marriage from toxic friends. You do not need these people around your WW the next time she is not happy with her life because you know the advice that they will give your WW.

 

 

NC with these friends is a must. Consequences of an affair always results in collateral damage.

 

 

Also did you ask your WW if those friends ever cheat?

[TobyBoy]

Were there any other times, during your marriage, that you suspected she might be cheating?

 

Do this, tell her that you have schedule a polygraph for her!! That any attempt at reconciliation depends on whether she passes. But, be warned....chances are that she's only told you a fraction of her betrayals!! Remember, cheaters are the best liars!!

[Sparta]

Do I understanding this right, you told your wife that you don't want anything to do with her friends. The friends that helped her. And she defended them, and her right to still be friends with them. That shows no remorse. she has no remorse for what she did. She's only really sorry she got caught. I would dumper her. Knowing full well that she will be married to you shortly. You have a right to be mad at her friends. But she's the one that's broken. she's the one that knew she was getting married. she had no problem having sex with multiple men. It's not like she just fu*k four different guys. Or had one night stands. Total disregard for you and disrespected you. Only months before your marriage. the scary thing is you didn't even know it. what else is she done, 17 years do you think this is the only thing she's done. When people are broken like she is. Saying to herself I got away with it. they usually don't stop. Only thing she was really concerned with protecting her friendship with her friends. She put you in a horrible position you had nothing to do with this just remember that.

 

If I was you buddy I would definitely file for divorce that's the only way you're going get through to a cheater. Now if he shows improvement. she has to do all the heavy lifting and she has to fight for you back. not the other way around. And you'll know if she shows total remorse. If you're happy with her work, you can decide to get back together. but I would definitely file for divorce and doesn't mean you have to be separated from. Your wife and you are still young enough you can afford to make life-changing decisions but that's all up to you.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Sparta

[Ladyjane14]

From everything I've read on the subject, people don't reach full maturity of the prefrontal cortex until somewhere around their mid-twenties. That would be the judgment center of the brain. Sounds to me like you BOTH exercised some poor judgment back in those days.

 

I'm not saying that keeping secrets from you for 17 years isn't something to discuss, but she doesn't have a time machine hidden in the basement where she can go back and change events that have already occurred. Neither do you. So, it's not like you can go back and suggest that you NOT share your mate sexually in some sort of swinging scenario.

 

And while we're on the subject of secrets, does your wife know that your female friend is suggesting that you leave your family and move in with her?

 

Suggested reading... Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Open the windows within the marital relationship, put up a wall with your "friend". Your wife should do the same. That doesn't necessarily mean giving up all outside friendships, but it does mean that you both learn to recognize what is appropriate fodder for discussion with others.

[dichotomy]

Certainly not as extreme as your case (but in its own way somewhat worse), but I found out shortly after we were married about an EA during our dating and engagement time with a former lover, along with a bunch of ***** (bad stuff) that I would have never have dated her if I knew. She presented herself exactly the way she knew I needed her to be to marry her, and could not even disconnect from her past life after we got engaged and married.

 

As mentioned you might as well tell your wife this is like she cheated on you yesterday - for you. She will struggle with this as it is the long past for her. She not only cheated on you, she cheated you out of a woman you thought you were marrying. She committed a type of fraud as my wife did to me.

 

One of the things I did was to demand she dump all connections - including her "bestie" GF who helped her in this past lifestyle choices. My wife also cried and complained about this. It was my condition. If these friends were still hanging around I would have had no issues confronting them myself.

 

Ask around or google around for a marriage therapist. You can ask for a "consult" via phone or in person by yourself. By talking to them first on the phone or in person - I ended up choosing female marriage therapist(s) who had a dim view of cheating and affairs and were more than willing to call my wife out on it. When you call you can directly ask them "how do you deal with affairs and a cheating spouse?"

 

You will get lots of advice on what you need from your wife (WW) now - but the first are to establish boundaries, second you need to set up spying on your wife - she may not be cheating now but maybe reaching out to others (like her GF's) to share her thoughts.

 

I find it VERY strange this old other man (OM) called you form a foreign country to spill the beans after all these years. Only reasons I can think of - she contacted him recently. Or he himself was cheated on recent and he is feeling bad about his involvement with her in the past.

Edited December 13, 2015 by dichotomy

[Ladyjane14]

Certainly not as extreme as your case (but in its own way somewhat worse), but I found out shortly after we were married about an EA during our dating and engagement time with a former lover, along with a bunch of ***** (bad stuff) that I would have never have dated her if I knew. She presented herself exactly the way she knew I needed her to be to marry her, and could not even disconnect from her past life after we got engaged and married.

 

As mentioned you might as well tell your wife this is like she cheated on you yesterday - for you. She will struggle with this as it is the long past for her. She not only cheated on you, she cheated you out of a woman you thought you were marrying. She committed a type of fraud as my wife did to me.

 

One of the things I did was to demand she dump all connections - including her "bestie" GF who helped her in this past lifestyle choices. My wife also cried and complained about this. It was my condition. If these friends were still hanging around I would have had no issues confronting them myself.

 

Ask around or google around for a marriage therapist. You can ask for a "consult" via phone or in person by yourself. By talking to them first on the phone or in person - I ended up choosing female marriage therapist(s) who had a dim view of cheating and affairs and were more than willing to call my wife out on it. When you call you can directly ask them "how do you deal with affairs and a cheating spouse?"

 

You will get lots of advice on what you need from your wife (WW) now - but the first are to establish boundaries, second you need to set up spying on your wife - she may not be cheating now but maybe reaching out to others (like her GF's) to share her thoughts.

I find it VERY strange this old other man (OM) called you form a foreign country to spill the beans after all these years. Only reasons I can think of - she contacted him recently. Or he himself was cheated on recent and he is feeling bad about his involvement with her in the past.

 

I also find it passing odd. That said, if the wife doesn't know what all is being said to the OP's female friend, maybe she should be setting up a little surveillance of her own.

 

Betrayals come in all sizes. And when you're sharing confidences with an opposite sex friend that you'd be uncomfortable sharing in your spouse's presence, you're crossing the line into EA territory.

 

In the seventeen years since these incidents took place, this woman has given birth to four children and from what evidence is available, was a faithful wife. So yeah, she got cold feet before the wedding and hung out her shingle. Not cool. But neither is passing your sweetheart around like hors devours at a party, which the OP has completely let himself off the hook for as "guys will be guys".

 

Sounds to me like they BOTH made mistakes in their youth. Today though, they've got more than two decades of history together and four young people to raise to adulthood. That ought to be plenty of impetus to work it out without adding any more drama to it.

 

Skip the polygraphs. Skip the surveillance. Read the book together and TALK to one another. The key to emotional intimacy is True Friendship with your spouse.

[baffin]

I realize that since you just found out her behavior it's almost like it happened yesterday for you - and that's pretty hard to handle. Cheating is wrong! But so are plenty of other behaviors - Have you forgiven her for other things? Has she forgiven you for thing's you've done? (even though it doesn't seem the same). True forgiveness is really hard for us humans to handle on our own. I know I can't truly forgive without God's help. No one's asking you to forget, but forgiveness isn't for her - it's for you. It frees you so that you can get past this and opens you up to get closer and keep your marriage together.

[privategal]

Unless I am mistaken this was pre-marriage correct? So your spouse didn't cheat but rather your gf?

If so...17 years ago we were all different people. A big upcoming life changing event brings stress and pressure and causes us to act out of character and make poor decisions.

Nearly 2 decades later she is nowhere near the woman you married and you aren't the same man.

She chose not to disclose and hurt or lose you but perhaps felt sick and guilty and pledged her life to loving you and never crossing the line again.

Have a heart to heart, do some bonding things to strengthen your marriage, but trust her I feel.

In my gut I feel she never left you

She never gave you more reason to doubt once you were married.

Its a horrible thing...but its her past. Just my opinion. I hope it isn't insensitive.

[Cephalopod]

Unless I am mistaken this was pre-marriage correct? So your spouse didn't cheat but rather your gf?

If so...17 years ago we were all different people. A big upcoming life changing event brings stress and pressure and causes us to act out of character and make poor decisions.

 

She was his fiancée, not just a gf. Big difference. They were in a committed relationship and she cheated repeatedly. She misrepresented herself and defrauded him into marriage.

[Horton]

My initial thought was to demand that she stop seeing them. But she makes very convincing arguments, or maybe I am just gullible. She says that if I can believe that she made mistakes and truly changed why can I not believe it about others. I don't have an answer for that.

 

Here's the problem with this. Her friends didn't change nor did she. She's been deceiving you the entirety of your marriage and her friends have been her accomplices this whole time. If somebody robbed a bank and then claimed years later(after being caught) that they've been a changed person for some time now, yet they we're perfectly content with enjoying the fruits of their misdeeds(spending all of that misbegotten cash) would you believe that person was genuinely remorseful? Likewise she's been enjoying the fruits of her deception and manipulation of you throughout your entire marriage. She got to enjoy living the single life on your dime and now that it's all out in the open(as far as we know) suddenly she's been racked with shame and guilt all these years? I'm not buying that and I don't believe that you are either.

 

I think more than wanting her to stop seeing them I want it all out in the open so I can confront them and ask them why just as I did my wife. I am seeking answers more than punishment I think.

 

As bad as her friends are for enabling her awfulness at the end of the day your wife is the one who made vows to you before your God and your families, it's her that most of your (justifiable)anger should be focused on IMO. Your wife is the main culprit here, her morally bankrupt friends are just her getaway drivers.

 

Well it was my idea initially. Male, threesome fantasy. You know how it goes.

 

It ended up being a couple and we met 3 times but not much really happened besides oral sex as the other guy couldn't perform and I wouldn't continue if my wife couldn't.

 

You probably don't wanna hear this, but this part of your story is gonna cost you with your wife at some point if it hasn't already. When a man convinces his wife to sleep with other people and it inevitably blows up in his face, the chances are pretty decent that the wife will eventually hold this part of their life against the husband at some point. If she had come to you with this idea it might be another story, but since you convinced her, she's got some ammunition against you now that you unfortunately handed over to her by "making" her engage in that "lifestyle". I'm not saying that you literally made her, but that may very well be how she views it.

 

So you should probably expect to be hit with that at some point down the road, in an attempt to place the blame for the problems you're both having squarely at your feet once her guilty conscience finally catches up with her. Also you might not have noticed this yet, but the responses you'll get will almost exclusively fall down gender lines. Almost all of the males will agree that what she did is cheating while just about every female will tell you that she was just young and confused, that this is all in the past now and that you need to just let it go and focus on the future, so there's that.

[whichwayisup]

I only found out about the affair after the guy contacted me and told me everything. I have no idea of his motivations and he won’t answer any more questions. He now lives on the other side of the world. The one night stands I found out through my wife’s admissions after I confronted her.

 

This doesn't add up. Something stinks. Why after 17 years he now contacts you to tell you about the affair? Please dig! Contact him again, question your wife and even her friends. No more lies, even if they hurt you to the core even more, you need the truth.

 

Were they in contact at all after the A ended and you two got married?

 

Her friends covered for her and protected her so I can see why now you don't want to be around any of them...The thing is, if you forgive your wife and work though this, you're going to have talk it out with the friends and forgive them too.. I seriously doubt your wife will want to end the friendship with them but you can tell her they are not welcome in the house anymore and you want nothing to do with them.

[Marc878]

This doesn't add up. Something stinks. Why after 17 years he now contacts you to tell you about the affair? Please dig! Contact him again, question your wife and even her friends. No more lies, even if they hurt you to the core even more, you need the truth.

 

Were they in contact at all after the A ended and you two got married?

 

Her friends covered for her and protected her so I can see why now you don't want to be around any of them...The thing is, if you forgive your wife and work though this, you're going to have talk it out with the friends and forgive them too.. I seriously doubt your wife will want to end the friendship with them but you can tell her they are not welcome in the house anymore and you want nothing to do with them.

 

Yep, something doesn't add up. I'd pend 15 minutes checking the phone bill.

Go online check back the last year see if a specific number comes up a lot.

[whichwayisup]

I have only told my parents and a close friend. My parents say if that’s her only mistake that I should look past it and focus on all the good in her. My friend is totally the opposite and says it’s unforgiveable but she will still support me if I decide to forgive. She has told me to leave though and move in with her while I work it all out.

 

How close are you with this 'friend'? Does your wife know her or is she hidden?

 

DO NOT move in with her. If there's 'something' emotional between you and her then she doesn't have YOUR best interest at heart, she's going to put a wedge between you, your wife and family. She will (not maliciously, but selfishly) manipulate you, in hopes you leave your wife. RELY on MEN friends and counseling. Not this woman friend.

[lollipopspot]

Me? I'd let it go after 4 kids and 17 years, with no other indication that I had been cheated on. Have you been unhappy? Are you looking to blow up your life?

[Mr. Lucky]

Unless I am mistaken this was pre-marriage correct? So your spouse didn't cheat but rather your gf?

If so...17 years ago we were all different people. A big upcoming life changing event brings stress and pressure and causes us to act out of character and make poor decisions.

Nearly 2 decades later she is nowhere near the woman you married and you aren't the same man.

She chose not to disclose and hurt or lose you but perhaps felt sick and guilty and pledged her life to loving you and never crossing the line again.

Have a heart to heart, do some bonding things to strengthen your marriage, but trust her I feel.

In my gut I feel she never left you

She never gave you more reason to doubt once you were married.

Its a horrible thing...but its her past. Just my opinion. I hope it isn't insensitive.

 

This is a divisive subject but I agree with this position.

 

If your wife cheated today, in order to reconcile you'd ask for years of faithful devotion and commitment. You've been given that - in advance.

 

The swinging also lends a difficulty perspective. Hard to say there was an insistence on exclusivity when you're actively pursuing swapping partners.

 

Look for reasons to make your marriage stronger. I'd guess in 17 years you've collected quite a few...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

This doesn't add up. Something stinks. Why after 17 years he now contacts you to tell you about the affair? Please dig! Contact him again, question your wife and even her friends. No more lies, even if they hurt you to the core even more, you need the truth.

 

Were they in contact at all after the A ended and you two got married?

 

Her friends covered for her and protected her so I can see why now you don't want to be around any of them...The thing is, if you forgive your wife and work though this, you're going to have talk it out with the friends and forgive them too.. I seriously doubt your wife will want to end the friendship with them but you can tell her they are not welcome in the house anymore and you want nothing to do with them.

 

 

There is nothing to talk out with those backstabbing "friends".

Forgive those "friends"? Who is that crazy? Toxic backstabbing friends are not needed to recover a marriage.

[road]

You need to find out why the OM contacted you after 17 years. It may of not been the OM but someone else that had their reasons for you to find out.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I don't think it matters that it's been seventeen years. If she'd slipped once, just once, a one night stand or a short EA that turned physical once before she realised what she was doing, and it was prior to engagement, I'd say try to forgive her.

 

But this was multiple men, one for several months, you were planning your wedding and future and she was lying about her whereabouts to get her rocks off with random other guys... is that forgiveable? For me, no way in hell. Most people who get engaged are madly in love with their partner, can't wait to settle down and become man and wife, and realise how lucky they are to have met 'the one' and act as though they know how fortunate they are.

 

For her to have cheated so much during that engagement period tells me she wasn't that committed to marrying you in the first place. Perhaps she went through with it due to fear of being alone, not wanting to hurt you or social pressure, and over time settled into it and things are great, but back at that point instead of being honourable and either a) ending it b) telling you what she'd done c) discussing trying to see other people for a while so you were both sure of the commitment, she chose to please herself, disrespect you massively and stand there on your wedding day knowing what she'd done. I'm sorry but as much as people change, doing that is not honourable, respectful, loving, and the fact she was able to keep it to herself without the guilt eating away so much for so long shows she's capable of massive deception.

 

I disagree hugely with the people saying this is partly your fault because you wanted to try a threesome or swing or whatever you did, she was an adult perfectly capable of deciding to go through with it or not, and for all we know she may have been every bit as into the idea as the OP. To discuss and come to the agreement of opening the relationship briefly is one thing, truthful and honest all round. She decided to do all of that behind your back while you were faithful. Most people who open their relationship up do so with lots of discussion, it takes enormous trust, nothing is done without the other person's knowledge, it's completely likely that you both had an understanding of being exclusive, apart from the very set parameters within which you had this fling with another couple.

 

If you want to work it out, good luck. But I don't think anyone in their right mind would blame you for walking away. I'm really sorry you're going through this, it's my worst nightmare. To find out someone has recently cheated, you can decide to separate or reconcile. But she continued the relationship under deception for so many years, she essentially pushed you into a reconciliation without ever giving you the respect of letting you know the truth so that you could decide whether you wanted to marry this woman or not. It's like the past seventeen years were all a big joke or a lie, when you could have been meeting someone who respected you and cared about you and who wouldn't do this.

 

Also I wouldn't bet on it that she hasn't done it since. If she could do it while smiling to your face and planning a wedding she can do it while you've been married. The fact the other man got in touch is relevant, I wonder whether she's been talking to him or trying to start something up? It's not impossible for him to have suddenly had an epiphany and wanted to set right his pat wrongs but it's unlikely. Chances are she's up to something.

[italianjob]

Whatever you decide to do, IMO, you need to investigate the matter and dig deeper.

 

1. What makes the OM want to tell you all of this now? Did you discuss this with your wife? Did she offer an opinion?

 

2. Serial cheaters (and, married or engaged, 4 APs DO make her a serial cheater, despite what some people try to tell you) seldom stop cheating just like that... Especially if they are not caught. I think it's likely she has more skeletons in her closet than she let you know, even after the marriage. You should look into this...

The discovery of her behavior during engagement would shift the burden of proof for me. If you had no reason to suspect but thought she was cheating you would have to prove it. After the discovery, I think she has to prove she didn't continue with her wayward ways in the years that followed.

 

3. I don't see how her cheating would be "minimized" by the swinging that happened years later. That is something you agreed upon and out in the open for both, the former was lying and deceiving and thus completely disrespectful.

 

That said, your report of swinging days and the fact that you have a "close" female friend that offered you to move in with her makes me wonder about the state of your marriage, even before the news of her betrayal reached you, Do you care to elaborate further?

[Mr. Lucky]

Most people who get engaged are madly in love with their partner, can't wait to settle down and become man and wife, and realise how lucky they are to have met 'the one' and act as though they know how fortunate they are.

 

Most newlyweds feel the same way, yet the OP had this inclination:

 

Well it was my idea initially. Male, threesome fantasy. You know how it goes.

 

Deception and dishonesty are never good things but lots of gray areas and challenges here.

 

Those people telling the OP to walk away from a 20-year relationship - and 4 kids - without trying to work through the issues are doing him a disservice.

 

Lots to think about here...

 

Mr. Lucky