Cheating spouse. Found out 17 years later.

[Space Ritual]

Look, I don't wish to call my wife names or punish her. She made some mistakes, and sure they are huge ones, and they have hurt me deeply.

 

Well Adrian , I wish you well. I won't opine further on your thread other than to say this.

 

A mistake is changing into the wrong lane when you have not looked in the mirror. A mistake is a Canadian Bacon Frozen Pizza when you wanted a Pepperoni one.

 

What your wife did was no mistake. It was a deliberate act that took a lot of premeditation. In fact there was Seventeen years of premeditation in order to keep it from you. Seventeen years in fact that you would not have known diddly squat about had this guy not contacted you.

 

If you want to forgive your wife, that is your business. I hope you know exactly what it is that you are forgiving her for. My bet is you'll never know. Just make sure you can live with yourself if you ever do find out.

 

Best of luck, Adrian:)

[sandylee1]

 

What your wife did was no mistake. It was a deliberate act that took a lot of premeditation. In fact there was Seventeen years of premeditation in order to keep it from you. Seventeen years in fact that you would not have known diddly squat about had this guy not contacted you.

 

)

 

Let's be clear on the definition of premeditation.

 

Premeditation happens BEFORE the act. Saying she had 17 years of predication is WRONG. She hid it for 17 years... but that isn't premeditation.

 

It comes over that you simply want to twist the knife by saying this and it's not helpful at all.

 

Comments like this and "you'll forgive her because you have young kids"... there's no need for them.

[Adrian73]

I gave my wife the opportunity to tell me every single detail with the threat of the end of our marriage if I ever find out even one word is a lie. I told her to be honest and that unless there was some major revelation like she had a gangbang or something then we will work towards moving forward together. I also made it sound as though I had gained a lot of information from different people and that her story better match what I know.

 

She told me everything that has already been discussed here with only one addition that she hadn't previously mentioned. That was that one of the one night stands was a threesome with her then best friend and the guy. She is no longer friends with this person anyway. She has no idea why her affair partner contacted me and swears she has never spoken to him since the last time they were together other than refusing his facebook friend request a number of years ago. She offered again to take the lie detector test. We discussed many other things like how she is glad I found out and how it's a weight off her chest.

 

She also made an offer that offended me when she suggested that we could see couples or other women again so that I could be with other women like she had been with other men. I got a little bit angry when she suggested this and her response was just as disappointing, she then suggested that I could do it alone, that she didn't have to be there. She clearly does not understand who I am and that scares the hell out of me.

 

Overall I was happy with the way the conversation went about the cheating and I'm starting to feel comfortable that I know all there is to know. But her new suggestions have raised a whole lot of concerns for me now. I think that maybe through all this her memories of our swinging and her cheating have aroused her to want to try other partners again? Why else would she offer for us to swing again? My friend reckons maybe it was just ill advised and came from guilt. I hope that is the case but I'm not so sure.

[bathtub-row]

I think you handled it well and that she was honest with you.

 

Not meaning to say I told you so, but her offer to swing again or to let you be with someone else without her is still a hangover from the swing days. What she doesn't understand is why you were ok with it then, and why you were ok with sharing her. This mind-set is very dangerous. Since you opened that door years ago, be sure that she understands that it is now firmly closed - now and forevermore. I'm assuming you did that.

 

I hope the two of you can move forward and continue to have a happy life together.

[road]

I gave my wife the opportunity to tell me every single detail with the threat of the end of our marriage if I ever find out even one word is a lie. I told her to be honest and that unless there was some major revelation like she had a gangbang or something then we will work towards moving forward together. I also made it sound as though I had gained a lot of information from different people and that her story better match what I know.

 

She told me everything that has already been discussed here with only one addition that she hadn't previously mentioned. That was that one of the one night stands was a threesome with her then best friend and the guy. She is no longer friends with this person anyway. She has no idea why her affair partner contacted me and swears she has never spoken to him since the last time they were together other than refusing his facebook friend request a number of years ago. She offered again to take the lie detector test. We discussed many other things like how she is glad I found out and how it's a weight off her chest.

 

She also made an offer that offended me when she suggested that we could see couples or other women again so that I could be with other women like she had been with other men. I got a little bit angry when she suggested this and her response was just as disappointing, she then suggested that I could do it alone, that she didn't have to be there. She clearly does not understand who I am and that scares the hell out of me.

 

Overall I was happy with the way the conversation went about the cheating and I'm starting to feel comfortable that I know all there is to know. But her new suggestions have raised a whole lot of concerns for me now. I think that maybe through all this her memories of our swinging and her cheating have aroused her to want to try other partners again? Why else would she offer for us to swing again? My friend reckons maybe it was just ill advised and came from guilt. I hope that is the case but I'm not so sure.

 

 

Your WW does not miss swinging or an open marriage.

 

 

Your WW knows that for many BH's feel their WW got to have more and better sex then their husbands because of them having an affair. The WW knows that she can not undo besting her BH.

 

 

So to help the BH heal and feel he gets to get even with his WW she tells him to go out and have sex with another women.

 

 

However when the BH takes this offer and has an affair, it hurts his WW and he finds out it did nothing to make him feel better or take away what his WW did.

[merrmeade]

As mentioned you might as well tell your wife this is like she cheated on you yesterday - for you. She will struggle with this as it is the long past for her. She not only cheated on you, she cheated you out of a woman you thought you were marrying. She committed a type of fraud as my wife did to me.

...

Ask around or google around for a marriage therapist. You can ask for a "consult" via phone or in person by yourself. By talking to them first on the phone or in person - I ended up choosing female marriage therapist(s) who had a dim view of cheating and affairs and were more than willing to call my wife out on it. When you call you can directly ask them "how do you deal with affairs and a cheating spouse?"

 

Hello Adrian and so sorry you're going through this. I also found out about long ago affairs of my husband's following discovery of a more recent one 3.5 yrs ago) with a family member.

 

Dealing with the old affairs is different for a betrayed spouse (BS) from dealing with one closer to the present - for all the reasons you've identified. You crave the truth and won't rest until you get it. Your own history was different from what you knew. It was intentionally altered and controlled by someone you were supposed to trust and saw differently, someone you believed was like you. You might have to go back over that period of time and re-remember life with the reality of what you've found out was going on in the background. You might think of new things in the future that you need to 're-remember' correctly and will need your wife's input about what actually happened. That's a big one.

 

Then, there's just the fact that you had no choices. She had all the choices and you had none. She had the choice to deceive you and cheat on you and never gave you the choice to do anything about it. In fact, she chose to keep you in the dark until the affair partner (AP) told you.

 

I wanted my husband to recognize and help me through every aspect of the suffering he'd caused, but he was/is simply not capable of the detailed verbal exchange I needed. If you can work through your pain and needs in MC in front of and with the cooperation of your wife, it's better therapy for you. Eventually you must heal yourself and come to an understanding of events and people on your own, but she should work on understanding - and showing remorse for - what you've gone through because of her.

 

There's more that you'll need to work on, and in my opinion - from my experience and NOT because of my gender - you should be pro-active in dealing with these needs, whether in marriage counseling (MC) or individual (IC) or both. Do not try to 'forgive and forget' ("rug-sweep"). It will continue to eat at you. If you stay together, try to find an MC therapist who will work with your goals. You should be the priority in my opinion. If you find someone who's going to make it 'even' all the time, don't do it. You will get a lot out of being able to explain each aspect of what makes you angry, disappointed, sad and giving each of these emotions time and full vent. She needs to be your witness and help you heal. The therapist should guide her. [i think this is how Shirley Glass ("Not Just Friends") therapy was conducted or was, at least, what I understood and looked for but did not find.]

[merrmeade]

Also you might not have noticed this yet, but the responses you'll get will almost exclusively fall down gender lines. Almost all of the males will agree that what she did is cheating while just about every female will tell you that she was just young and confused, that this is all in the past now and that you need to just let it go and focus on the future, so there's that.

And just as important, don't pay attention to this supposed line based on gender. You will get good advice from both genders and don't need to bother yourself with analyzing their biases. There are women who won't stay with anyone who's cheated on them at any time and men who see 'reconciliation' as a choice of courage rather than surrender. You know if it is or is not relevant for your situation. Ignore the rest.

[kgcolonel]

Exactly what Road said and....she is "I believe" trying everything she can to save the marriage and to "as wrong as it may seem" equalize the relationship. I believe that if it were me... I would hope that I'd tell her that we are now equal since all the details are out in the open. I would want to start anew and that as Road said, the door to sharing and swinging is firmly closed and locked.

[sandylee1]

Exactly what Road said and....she is "I believe" trying everything she can to save the marriage and to "as wrong as it may seem" equalize the relationship. I believe that if it were me... I would hope that I'd tell her that we are now equal since all the details are out in the open. I would want to start anew and that as Road said, the door to sharing and swinging is firmly closed and locked.

 

She's trying to offer you the variety that she had.... I understand where she's coming from and some guys would be agreeable...

It's not about her not knowing you at all.

 

She doesn't want to seem selfish...anyway I'm glad you talked about it and seem to have reached a better place.

[SSJROMANCE]

I feel your pain. It doesn't matter if it happened yesterday or 17 years ago it still hurts the same. It will take years to get over this. You may be able to forgive but not forget. What your wife needs to do now is focus on you. She needs to tell you why she loves you why she married you why you are the better than all those other guys - all these things she needs to do to build you up and this marriage.

 

I don't recall you being curious about what she did with the other guys and how it all went down. If you don't want to know that's good. If you do then she needs to come out with it all and not trickle truth answers. Lay it all out on the table no matter how bad it's going to hurt.

 

One thing that might help is focusing on all the good things about your wife. 17 years is a long time. Create a list of good and bad and cancel some items out between the two. This may help you understand the bigger picture.

[TX-SC]

My opinion is not going to be popular...

 

Yiur fiancé did some really ****ty stuff. No doubt about it. But it appears that once she became your wife she devoted herself to you and you only. I know it hurts like hell. It's a huge betrayal. But I would focus on how your wife has acted since your marriage and try to forgive her for the rest. If she is a good wife, don't throw that away at this point. You seem to really love her and she seems to love you. I would talk to these friends and tell them how unhappy you are that they did this. But, if they have been friends for a long time, forgive them too.

 

It sounds to me like her ex affair partner got pissed at her for some reason and decided to stir up some crap. A religious person would not potentially cause a divorce just to clear their conscience. In fact, they would trry to build up what they almost destroyed. He's got sour grapes for some reason. Just make damn sure your wife hasn't had any recent contact with him. A polygraph would be a good idea.

[Whoknew30]

You were both young, you helped open a door (the threesome) to open sexual experiences. She evidently liked it & took it to another level. Yes, cheating is cheating but IMO, once you cross the boundary of normal relationship sex, at least one person is going to continue. You can't deny your responsibility in that part.

 

Friends are never the problem, NEVER. It's ALWAYS the person who committed the cheating own responsibility. When you start getting into all of that, you're ignoring the real problem of the actual cheating. Some BS like to get into the game of wanting to be mad at everything & everyone, it ends being really counterproductive.

 

You're wife, point blank made a bad decision. She got cold feet & went wild. Not only women do this, it means probably at the time, she wasn't ready even though she loved you. When she came to her senses, she probably felt completely awful & decided to be a true wife to you. Does it make it ok, no but as a woman that was married young & then at the age of 24 experiencing what your wife did (the freak out of being with only one guy in every experience of my life) I had an A. The statistic of young couples having this same problem, show it's more normal than not.

 

You have the right to feel however you want right now but a couple things stand out.1st... OM calling you after all this time, isn't Christian. Christians don't go around popping in years later to help to destroy a marriage for their own salvation. His intention aren't for the better good of you...I don't know his "real" reasoning but it's just another way of him coming disrespectfully into your territory, he was all about himself then & still is. 2nd...why does the amount matter? 17-100, she did it, she's owning it, she confessed to others, she doesn't seem to be hiding anything from you. 3rd...at some point she did realize she wanted just you.

 

I know on here its often repeated how a bad decision is a choice & unforgivable & yada, yada, yada but we're all human. We make bad choices, for a million different reasons. Your wife made a bad choice, but that doesn't make your marriage or her love for you a shame. She's not perfect. I know deep down age shouldn't make a difference either but IMO it does. My 24 year old self compared to my 36 year old self, night & day.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's ok...it's not. Sometimes in life we figure out in many situations (not just spouses) can we still love a person when we figure out they're not perfect. It's easy to love perfect & unfortunately love isn't always easy.

 

I hope you guys can salvage this...good luck.

[dichotomy]

 

Friends are never the problem, NEVER. It's ALWAYS the person who committed the cheating own responsibility. When you start getting into all of that, you're ignoring the real problem of the actual cheating. Some BS like to get into the game of wanting to be mad at everything & everyone, it ends being really counterproductive.

 

On the one hand I get what your saying - ultimately it is the person who cheated - BUT - sometimes the friends can play a bigger role than you expect. My wife's best GF at the time - was the one who introduced her to MM, encouraged it, was cheerleader, and long after we married continued to relay messages to my wife with offers from MM to restart things with crude sexual reminders.

 

So ya I can lay some heavy blame and disgust on my wife's now ex friend... she joined MM in the NC list.

[Whoknew30]

On the one hand I get what your saying - ultimately it is the person who cheated - BUT - sometimes the friends can play a bigger role than you expect. My wife's best GF at the time - was the one who introduced her to MM, encouraged it, was cheerleader, and long after we married continued to relay messages to my wife with offers from MM to restart things with crude sexual reminders.

 

So ya I can lay some heavy blame and disgust on my wife's now ex friend... she joined MM in the NC list.

 

I understand you not liking her but my friends could stick crack in my face & beg for me to smoke it...I'm still not going to, unless I choose to.

 

My friends & their husbands all knew about my A, not once did they tell their wives not to hangout with me nor felt my cheating affected them as couples. My H was a little upset that my BF was social media friends with exOM but he knew it wasn't her fault. There are always exceptions to the rule (which sounds like your case) but at the end of the day if you go along with peer pressure as an adult, it's your fault for being weak. IMO, it's an excuse not to take ownership of your crap,

[dichotomy]

Yes I agree - and some people are weak. In fact I think most people have some weakness in something - even something small that's not exactly healthy.

 

If your an alcoholic who needs to get sober best not to hangout anymore with your drinking buddies. Same with drug users. Same with adulterers.

 

If you have a weakness get rid of enablers and cheerleaders for your weakness and bad behavior Get better friends and support for being a healthy honest and accountable person.

 

But there is a wide range to be considered here - from friends who simply stood on the sidelines and said nothing - to those who helped hide or support it.

Edited January 31, 2016 by dichotomy

[Whoknew30]

Yes I agree - and some people are weak. In fact I think most people have some weakness in something - even something small that's not exactly healthy.

 

If your an alcoholic who needs to get sober best not to hangout anymore with your drinking buddies. Same with drug users. Same with adulterers.

 

If you have a weakness get rid of enablers and cheerleaders for your weakness and bad behavior Get better friends and support for being a healthy honest and accountable person.

 

But there is a wide range to be considered here - from friends who simply stood on the sidelines and said nothing - to those who helped hide or support it.

 

 

I agree if you're a an addict you don't hang out with other addicts but those people didn't make you an addict.

 

I & my friends come from a old school raising. Other people's marriages aren't anyone else's business. We know no one can control another adult. One can show concern but if that's what a friend chooses to do, what can you do? You're not their parent.

 

I personally think that this "new, everything is everybody's business" bc of social media tells us so is ruining marriages more than helping. IMO, it's extremely narcissistic to think it's ok to implant one's self in another's issues unless asked.

[Horton]

OM calling you after all this time, isn't Christian. Christians don't go around popping in years later to help to destroy a marriage for their own salvation. His intention aren't for the better good of you...I don't know his "real" reasoning but it's just another way of him coming disrespectfully into your territory, he was all about himself then & still is. 2nd...why does the amount matter? 17-100, she did it, she's owning it, she confessed to others, she doesn't seem to be hiding anything from you. 3rd...at some point she did realize she wanted just you.

 

I won't claim to know what the OM's intentions are, but Christians are commanded(in the Bible) to confess their sins to one another. He could be trying to restart the affair in some way or he could be genuinely remorseful for what he's done. If WW's can feel genuine remorse after throwing their own family under the bus for the OM's sake then I don't see why it wouldn't be possible for that same OM to feel remorseful as well.

[Whoknew30]

I won't claim to know what the OM's intentions are, but Christians are commanded(in the Bible) to confess their sins to one another. He could be trying to restart the affair in some way or he could be genuinely remorseful for what he's done. If WW's can feel genuine remorse after throwing their own family under the bus for the OM's sake then I don't see why it wouldn't be possible for that same OM to feel remorseful as well.

 

This "Christian" man has intruded into this man's life, not once but twice. If someone feels true remorse, they don't go 20 years later looking to bring something up without knowing anything about the other person anymore. It's a selfish move, all he thought about was himself, that's not "Christian". When this happened OP & WW were not even married yet, then he waits all these years, once they have a family to do this?..& admits he's had divorces & problems. Someone that is well intentioned doesn't go around looking to hurt a family & claims its bc of his new found love for God. Confessing sins to another is with your priest. Doesn't sound anything like remorse.