Cheating spouse. Found out 17 years later.

[bathtub-row]

I'm just letting you know how my thought process would pan out if I were getting cold feet about getting married, if I had never had much life experience beyond my current bf, and my if bf was ok with swapping. Even if it was later decided that we weren't into it, it would still be in my head that he was ok with me sleeping with another guy, and that he was willing to sleep with another woman. In that sense, you opened that can of worms. Open or not, screwing someone other than your significant other is still screwing someone else.

 

I think you have too much to lose in this situation but there's a lot of rebuilding that needs to be done.

[road]

Are they really though? I can see when people say I was defrauded into marriage, I get that. But when did the lie stop and a new "beginning" start?

 

I'm sure when we decided the time was right for kids that it wasn't based on a lie. When she said she loved me and only me that wasn't a lie. When she said she wants to spend the rest of her life with me that wasn't a lie.

 

Ok, she lied many years ago and if I found out at the time I would have walked away and never looked back. But it all seems so trivial now. I don't say that lightly, I understand how significant cheating is but I really don't care who she was back then anywhere near as much as who she is right now. I don't believe the person she is now would ever do those things and would ever do anything to hurt me. In fact I am sure she would sacrifice for me.

 

I write those words and the decision seems like an easy one. But I just can't stop those thoughts creeping in my head and it makes the relationship impossible. It might be a case of I love you more than anything in the world but I just can't do this anymore.

 

I support your decision to recover.

 

 

It has nothing to do with when did the lies stop. It is that you were denied the right to make your decision to marry without the truth. No matter how good a wife and honest she has been what has been done can never be undone.

 

 

Do you divorce your WW because she cheated and lied. Thing is you then punish your children to punish your WW. You feel trapped. When weighing all things out usually the BH takes one for the team.

 

 

It is normal for you to trigger a lot about her affairs right now. With time the triggers happen less frequent and pass faster. Recovery is a two to five year process so do not expect the triggers to be gone in a few months.

 

 

You said you are waiting to hear from the OM/s. After you do, and then get your WW to answer all of your questions best to the stop talking about the affairs. For all that talking will just keep those memories alive and you still triggering.

 

 

Also stop playing around with those toxic friends. WW must go NC with them now.

[lolablue17]

I can see when people say I was defrauded into marriage, I get that. But when did the lie stop and a new "beginning" start? .../

Ok, she lied many years ago and if I found out at the time I would have walked away and never looked back.../

I don't believe the person she is now would ever do those things.../

But I just can't stop those thoughts creeping in my head and it makes the relationship impossible.

 

This is a struggle between your logic + being an adult intelligent man, against your guts.

 

You try to convince yourself that she is different now. You try to convince yourself that it was a clean start, that the fact that if you knew back then, you would have walked away, shouldn't have any effet now, and your 17 years of relationship was not a lie.

 

Why do I say "try" to convince yourself? Because if you really really believed that, you could have gotten over it much easier. But the fact that you can't let go something that happened 17 years ago, implies that deep in your heart you KNOW the problem. You KNOW that when something (marriage) starts and based on lies, It can't be detached from it's source.

 

If you could split 17 years of marriage from it's foundations, than you can have a good life and future. I just testified that i couldn't have done that. This is me. From what you say here, I think you, just like me, cannot do it.

 

Maybe you should give yourself a timeline, in which you test if you can drop it, if things are getting better, and if after some time they don't than you should reconsider. If there is an obsolescence on that matter, your guts should feel it too, not only your brain.

Edited December 19, 2015 by lolablue17

[Poutrew]

Your main problem, as I see it, is that if you decide to stay with her, She has done something you did not: Have sex with many others to know she has made the right decision with you. You do not have that option. You were a virgin when you married this woman. You knew no other vagina in all this time. She gave herself a free pass that you were denied. And, she kept this secret with a smile on her face this whole time, and would have kept it happily to her, and your, grave. It is my belief that a marriage will have the highest rate of success if the participants in it are equals. You thought this was the case, and now you know it isn't true. So how will you deal with this fact from here on? If you internalize it, it will eat away at you and the anger it produces in you will come out in other areas. Eventually it will turn your union into a sour, toxic one. The sad thing is that your wife will never know why it is such a big deal to you... living with the lie for so long has numbed her to its effects. At this point you could remind her of her original reasons to keep the secret - if she truly thought it was no big deal then why didn't she just tell you then?

 

 

But then, the original thesis of my post remains: How will you deal with the fundamental imbalance this has brought into your union? She can never un*uck those men. Normally, I would *never* advocate for someone having an affair, but your case is proof that rules are made to be broken. I know if it were me, the only thing I could do would be to have an affair or two of my own. These wouldn't be revenge affairs: assuming there were no other incidents since 17 years ago, there would be little point in it. Rather, these affairs would be to rescue my own male ego from destruction. And, don't tell her about them for 17 years...

[Horton]

I just wish I never found out. I know how weak that sounds but it has changed everything. The truth is supposed to be the ultimate and knowledge is power but it is no friend to me. I have a wife I love and adore, I have a wife I want to be with but the truth it making it very difficult.

 

I believe your emotions are overpowering your reason, which is understandable given your circumstances. Somebody in a state of trauma is likely to wish it would all just go away and things would return to normal. Think about it logically though, if you really had one wish would it be that you never found out and continued in blissful ignorance or would you wish that your wife hadn't cheated on you?

 

Are they really though? I can see when people say I was defrauded into marriage, I get that. But when did the lie stop and a new "beginning" start?

 

The moment you learned the truth about your wife's affairs and her lies.

 

But it all seems so trivial now. I don't say that lightly, I understand how significant cheating is but I really don't care who she was back then anywhere near as much as who she is right now.

I could be off base, but IMO if you genuinely believed in the words you wrote above. Then you wouldn't be able to say this as well.

But I just can't stop those thoughts creeping in my head and it makes the relationship impossible. It might be a case of I love you more than anything in the world but I just can't do this anymore.

 

It sounds like you're sinking in quicksand, looking for anything to grab onto at this point to rationalize how the woman you've spent the last seventeen years with in relative bliss could possibly be the same woman who would cheat on you with multiple guys and lie about it for all of this time. This is normal for somebody in your position, so don't feel like you're alone.

 

Sadly there's probably no satisfactory answer to this question. She has likely compartmentalized these betrayals in her own mind for so long now that she doesn't even have a good answer herself even if she truly wishes that she did. I think the only thing you can do now is decide if her "I'm sorry's." are enough.

[road]

Your main problem, as I see it, is that if you decide to stay with her, She has done something you did not: Have sex with many others to know she has made the right decision with you. You do not have that option. You were a virgin when you married this woman. You knew no other vagina in all this time. She gave herself a free pass that you were denied. And, she kept this secret with a smile on her face this whole time, and would have kept it happily to her, and your, grave. It is my belief that a marriage will have the highest rate of success if the participants in it are equals. You thought this was the case, and now you know it isn't true. So how will you deal with this fact from here on? If you internalize it, it will eat away at you and the anger it produces in you will come out in other areas. Eventually it will turn your union into a sour, toxic one. The sad thing is that your wife will never know why it is such a big deal to you... living with the lie for so long has numbed her to its effects. At this point you could remind her of her original reasons to keep the secret - if she truly thought it was no big deal then why didn't she just tell you then?

 

 

But then, the original thesis of my post remains: How will you deal with the fundamental imbalance this has brought into your union? She can never un*uck those men. Normally, I would *never* advocate for someone having an affair, but your case is proof that rules are made to be broken. I know if it were me, the only thing I could do would be to have an affair or two of my own. These wouldn't be revenge affairs: assuming there were no other incidents since 17 years ago, there would be little point in it. Rather, these affairs would be to rescue my own male ego from destruction. And, don't tell her about them for 17 years...

 

 

 

 

There is never justification for any kind of affair even revenge affairs. Revenge affairs never make anything equal.

 

 

WW's will play down affairs from the distant past because they have had the decades to forget about what happened. It feels as it is old news to them because it is old news. They had the time to process and get past what ever happened and the effect their affair created on them.

 

 

Problem is the WW sometimes has to be reminded without attitude that what happened all those years ago can never be old news for the BH this close to the day he found out about what his WW did years ago.

 

 

In this case this BH will need 17 years to feel that the WW's affair is old news the way his WW feels today.

 

 

With time the BH will heal from this.

[Adrian73]

Things have taken a turn for the worse and I have moved out of home and am now living with my brother and his wife. I have heard back from my wife's affair partner and let's just say their stories are far from matching. My wife still swears her version is the truth and reiterated her willingness to take a lie detector test to prove it.

 

The time frame of when this all happened matches and it was only for four months but it is the frequency and what they actually did in those four months that has kicked me right in the guts.

 

I had pretty much assumed (and my wife never corrected me) that they would have been able to meet up no more than once or twice a week. Apparently it was many more times than that sometimes even on the way to work and again on the way home. I know this sounds very cold and analytical but that means instead of somewhere between 16-25 times it is now well over 120 times.

 

He also said that she kept complaining to him that her friends wanted her to stop but she couldn't resist. This totally flies in the face of what she said her friends were saying. I don't understand why she would paint them in that negative light. I only mention this because there has been much discussion about her dropping her friends. I plan to talk to some of them when I get my head straight and find out their versions.

 

Oh and the reason he made contact, he is making up for past sins. He found God and his new wife insisted on him making some past wrongs right. He has given me his phone number and has said he's happy to tell me as much as I want to know. I think I know enough.

 

I was very close forgiving, in fact I had already forgiven. I had residual doubts that kept creeping in my head but for all intents I had decided to stay and continue our life together. But this was no little experiment to see what it was like with someone else this was a full blown sex romp. There are things they did that we haven't even tried ourselves. What he doesn't know is why it ended, he said he assumed she moved on to someone else but he has no evidence whatsoever of that. He kept trying to contact her but after the last time he never got so much as a hello from her.

 

As for her she's begging me to come home. She's offered to take a lie detector test to prove that she is telling the truth. She says he has some ulterior motive but she does not know what. She keeps talking about the last 17 years and how great they have been, that is true, but now I think she's doing that to deflect from the year before that when my fiancee was ****ing some other guy just about every other day.

[road]

Things have taken a turn for the worse and I have moved out of home and am now living with my brother and his wife. I have heard back from my wife's affair partner and let's just say their stories are far from matching. My wife still swears her version is the truth and reiterated her willingness to take a lie detector test to prove it.

 

The time frame of when this all happened matches and it was only for four months but it is the frequency and what they actually did in those four months that has kicked me right in the guts.

 

I had pretty much assumed (and my wife never corrected me) that they would have been able to meet up no more than once or twice a week. Apparently it was many more times than that sometimes even on the way to work and again on the way home. I know this sounds very cold and analytical but that means instead of somewhere between 16-25 times it is now well over 120 times.

 

He also said that she kept complaining to him that her friends wanted her to stop but she couldn't resist. This totally flies in the face of what she said her friends were saying. I don't understand why she would paint them in that negative light. I only mention this because there has been much discussion about her dropping her friends. I plan to talk to some of them when I get my head straight and find out their versions.

 

Oh and the reason he made contact, he is making up for past sins. He found God and his new wife insisted on him making some past wrongs right. He has given me his phone number and has said he's happy to tell me as much as I want to know. I think I know enough.

 

I was very close forgiving, in fact I had already forgiven. I had residual doubts that kept creeping in my head but for all intents I had decided to stay and continue our life together. But this was no little experiment to see what it was like with someone else this was a full blown sex romp. There are things they did that we haven't even tried ourselves. What he doesn't know is why it ended, he said he assumed she moved on to someone else but he has no evidence whatsoever of that. He kept trying to contact her but after the last time he never got so much as a hello from her.

 

As for her she's begging me to come home. She's offered to take a lie detector test to prove that she is telling the truth. She says he has some ulterior motive but she does not know what. She keeps talking about the last 17 years and how great they have been, that is true, but now I think she's doing that to deflect from the year before that when my fiancee was ****ing some other guy just about every other day.

 

 

 

 

Schedule the polygraph test ASAP.

[Space Ritual]

Jeeze Adrian what a horror story to read.

 

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but in a way maybe it was a good thing that this guy appeared after all these years in a Come To Jesus Moment to bear his soul to you.

 

Regardless of what transpired over the last Seventeen years, including the open portion of the marriage, you have basically been living a lie, and you were the last one to find out about it.

 

I agree with Road that you better get on that Poly toot suite. For all you know, you may get a parking lot confession of more skullduggery. You would not be the first spouse to get one of those. Prepare for that to happen. And make sure you get a very skilled Polygraph specialist whom will ask the right questions. So do your homework. Polygraph techs are a dime a dozen.

 

As for those friends of hers? They have to be gone regardless to even countenance the possibility of moving forward. Even if they did not encourage her they sure as hell knew about it. So that is a no brainer. Your wife has to terminate those friendships once and for all.

 

Something you are going to go through is some severe anxiety in the near future if you have not already experienced a boatload of it. Please see a doctor and get some meds. Since you have Kids you still have to be a Daddy so please see someone about that right away.

 

I'm so sorry the Holidays are going to suck for you after these revelations. Please know that you can get through this, but you have got to stick up for yourself and not be fooled by someone that seemingly wants to just make this all go away. I think your wife will do anything at this point if the madness ill stop. Take her up on that, and let her play her cards, as she is desperate. And a desperate card player is one that will lay a joker when they had an Ace in their hand. See a Lawyer to know your rights and schedule a Poly as soon as possible.

[Space Ritual]

I plan to talk to some of them when I get my head straight and find out their versions.

 

DON'T BOTHER!!!

 

They owe you nothing in their minds and will say anything to cover their own asses. That ship sailed and selective memory syndrome will have already creeped in over nearly 2 decades.

 

They had plenty of chance to tell you way back when. I am telling you now don't waste your time on these people. They will do nothing more than piss down your leg and tell you they tried to stop the rainstorm but it was none of their business. Seriously don't bother.

[Marc878]

Nothing like living a lie for years then finding it out. Ugh

 

Good luck whichever way you go

[Popsicle]

With 4 minor kids you will probably stay. Forgive her and let this go. Put it behind you. Don't live the rest of your life in misery.

[Poutrew]

With 4 minor kids you will probably stay. Forgive her and let this go. Put it behind you. Don't live the rest of your life in misery.

 

Seriously? Take a hit for the team? Well, all I can say is that if I do ever get married, I hope it's to you - I know you'll forgive me no matter how crazy I've been, for the sake of the bambino...

[Popsicle]

Seriously? Take a hit for the team? Well, all I can say is that if I do ever get married, I hope it's to you - I know you'll forgive me no matter how crazy I've been, for the sake of the bambino...

 

Well, I already have kids and am not having anymore so there goes that idea....

[lollipopspot]

Oh and the reason he made contact, he is making up for past sins. He found God and his new wife insisted on him making some past wrongs right. He has given me his phone number and has said he's happy to tell me as much as I want to know. I think I know enough.

 

Wow, what a jerk. His idea of coming to god is to dredge up a 17 year old affair and wreck a family for some children. Honestly, you were better off not knowing, and Mr. self proclaimed Jesus - if he had any sense and compassion - would have known that. He needs to clean his OWN soul, not insert himself into a long dead situation. He didn't "right" anything.

[lolablue17]

In my previous replies i've said that I (only me) could have never stayed after knowing all that, and even knowing a tenth of it. So I implied what I think you should do. Now I wish to show the opposite view, that maybe fits better to you and your personality, which is obviously different than mine.

 

Are there good things? Yes.

 

1. The minute you confronted her about the affair, she voluntarily admitted another 3 guys she could have kept in secret, telling you that this guy is the only one ever. She could have denied him to, telling you he's mad \ has other interest \ how can you believe someone who comes with this story after 2 decades? She could have trickled truth you, which is the worst nightmare.

 

But no. She gave you incriminating information about her cheating you could have never discovered by yourself.

 

2. She's admitting doing wrong back then, and she's willing to do what ever it takes to reconcile.

 

3. She voluntarily suggested the lie detector, that means she's sure she'll pass the test successfully.

 

About the gap between her and his story - Me and my wife cannot agree sometimes about pure solid facts that happened 17 minutes ago. If we go to a lie detector, we will both pass it succesfully. So you can imagine that after 17 years everyone of them has established their solid version. If I were you, I'd believe her. She's proven to you that she is willing to admit horrible things she did. Why would she lie about minor differences?

 

If you can (and you meant to do it) to forgive and to move on, do it. Try to burry the past and focus your great present and future you can have. If you think you will never be able to live with it (like me), make the arrangements and divorce her.

 

But don't choose the worst option off all - Don't start digging in the past. What you already know is shocking enough. If you are caught with this attitude of trying to investigate every piece of information, like it matters, you book yourself living in hell for a long time. Don't go there...

Edited December 21, 2015 by lolablue17

[road]

In my previous replies i've said that I (only me) could have never stayed after knowing all that, and even knowing a tenth of it. So I implied what I think you should do. Now I wish to show the opposite view, that maybe fits better to you and your personality, which is obviously different than mine.

 

Are there good things? Yes.

 

1. The minute you confronted her about the affair, she voluntarily admitted another 3 guys she could have kept in secret, telling you that this guy is the only one ever. She could have denied him to, telling you he's mad \ has other interest \ how can you believe someone who comes with this story after 2 decades? She could have trickled truth you, which is the worst nightmare.

 

But no. She gave you incriminating information about her cheating you could have never discovered by yourself.

 

2. She's admitting doing wrong back then, and she's willing to do what ever it takes to reconcile.

 

3. She voluntarily suggested the lie detector, that means she's sure she'll pass the test successfully.

 

About the gap between her and his story - Me and my wife cannot agree sometimes about pure solid facts that happened 17 minutes ago. If we go to a lie detector, we will both pass it succesfully. So you can imagine that after 17 years everyone of them has established their solid version. If I were you, I'd believe her. She's proven to you that she is willing to admit horrible things she did. Why would she lie about minor differences?

 

If you can (and you meant to do it) to forgive and to move on, do it. Try to burry the past and focus your great present and future you can have. If you think you will never be able to live with it (like me), make the arrangements and divorce her.

 

But don't choose the worst option off all - Don't start digging in the past. What you already know is shocking enough. If you are caught with this attitude of trying to investigate every piece of information, like it matters, you book yourself living in hell for a long time. Don't go there...

 

 

 

 

First bolded: I disagree the OP is not being told minor differences. Doing the OM 16-25 times verses doing the OM 120 times. Trickle truth works by admitting some small things that the BH did not know so the WW appears to be honest now. Throwing in I had three ONS is just 3 more to add to the 16-25 times which still leaves 19-28 sounding a lot better then 120 times and is giving her the appearance of being honest.

 

 

Second bolded: Some have to know everything. If a BH is one of those remember before you ask do I want to know for once an answer is heard what you will learn can not be unlearnt.

 

 

Also questions left unasked and or unanswered that he wants to know will haunt the BH. Thirty years later not having answers will leave the BH still needing the answers and no rest.

 

 

Though I think there is a good basis for this marriage to be recovered. I have seen worse stories where the marriage was saved.

Edited December 21, 2015 by road

[italianjob]

If you can (and you meant to do it) to forgive and to move on, do it. Try to burry the past and focus your great present and future you can have. If you think you will never be able to live with it (like me), make the arrangements and divorce her.

 

But don't choose the worst option off all - Don't start digging in the past. What you already know is shocking enough. If you are caught with this attitude of trying to investigate every piece of information, like it matters, you book yourself living in hell for a long time. Don't go there...

 

I don't think this advice is taylored to fit the OP at all...

 

He was determined to let it go in the first place, but just couldn't, and that's the very reason he started his thread

 

I thought about it a great deal and wanted to try and make things work. Initially I thought that it happened so long ago that I could quickly put it in the past but it hasn’t been as easy as I thought. I can look at her one moment as see the woman I love but the next moment I see her as nothing more than a liar and cheat and wonder what else there is that I don’t know about.

 

So the problem is that he would like to "get over it" and move on but found out he just couldn't. IMO he couldn't because his gut was (and is) telling him he didn't know it all, and he was true as it's turning out now.

 

I don't see why trying to know more would be the worst option, that is nonsense, nothing is worse than knowing you don't have the whole story but not knowing what that story actually is.

 

I think that he needs to be convinced in his gut that he has the truth, then he can truly try to get over it, stay with his wife and move on, or decide he has a deal breaker and feel justified with himself in his decision to divorce.

 

 

1. The minute you confronted her about the affair, she voluntarily admitted another 3 guys she could have kept in secret, telling you that this guy is the only one ever. She could have denied him to, telling you he's mad \ has other interest \ how can you believe someone who comes with this story after 2 decades? She could have trickled truth you, which is the worst nightmare.

But no. She gave you incriminating information about her cheating you could have never discovered by yourself.

 

This doesn't demonstrate anything, maybe she thought (or knew) that her former OM or some of her friend would have told him about other "incidents" and went into damage control (might be they weren't really just ONS).

 

I think he might stop digging if he alreay thinks he wants out.

 

If he wish to try to reconcile, I don't agree with your advice, I think he needs to clear the air and find out everything he can.

 

Specifically:

 

1. Where the ONS really ONS? Why did she confess them? Out of guilt? Strange, it looks like she didn't feel any guilt for two decades...

 

2. What are the ulteriore motives she let on the OM might have?

 

3. Why is she talking about being egged on by her friend, when it looks like it might just be the opposite? Simple blame shifting or something else?

 

and most important of all:

4. Was she really faithfull for the whole marriage?

Someone who behaves like that and doesn't get caught usually doesn't stop just like that... This sounds very very strange, IMO.

Edited December 21, 2015 by italianjob

[beatcuff]

I have moved out of home and am now living with my brother and his wife.

 

ahhh --- why would you do this? you have abandoned your family, your children. this could be worked out. this should be worked out. you were not married. close but still not. she wronged you. but she gave you 17 good years and 4 children.

 

what are you teaching your children --- first sign of trouble, walk out. right now she is at home a total wreck (guessing) and the children are left with 'why did daddy leave US', 'why are YOU doing this to mommy'.

 

get a grip. if not for the family for the D, moving out = abandonment, a really bad misstep in most places and many judges will side with her as there is no legal adultery.

 

you really need to slow down. while many are near (not quite over) the top on this thread, even they are offering a measured approach: get everything before deciding.

 

first, ask to move back in. second, apologize for overreacting (yes, do this, then when you ask followup questions she will not be in the position of wondering if her response will cause you to leave again). third, let her know you will need some time to digest this. fourth, tell the children that mommy and daddy need to work things out but you both love them very much and you are both hopeful it will work out (this step could have been avoided if you stayed). fifth, see an attorney --- they will let you know what you are in for (do NOT skip this money/visitation will be factor). sixth end the conversation with the AP, his memory is probably just as foggy AND he may be playing it up for HIS wife. seventh you should have a strong idea if your wife is lying, better than any lie detector (do we really need to get into the accuracy debate again?) so ask her the questions. read her body language more than the words. lastly write down all the positives about your wife, marriage and being with the children everyday. then decide.

 

good luck.

[No Limit]

I know this direction of thoughts will scare the crap out of you, but have you thought about DNA testing your kids?

[road]

 

I don't see why trying to know more would be the worst option, that is nonsense, nothing is worse than knowing you don't have the whole story but not knowing what that story actually is.

 

I think that he needs to be convinced in his gut that he has the truth, then he can truly try to get over it, stay with his wife and move on, or decide he has a deal breaker and feel justified with himself in his decision to divorce\

 

 

 

 

 

 

For you to know everything may be good for you. Though every BH has their own need to how much truth they need.

 

 

This is why the BH controls how much the WW tells him by the questions the BH asks.

 

 

Also to know the whole story, when affair started, who the OM was, when the affair ended, is there NC, is knowing all. Do not confuse not knowing all the details as not knowing the affair story.

 

 

Once a BH hears a fact that fact can never be unheard. It can be a fact some BH can never handle hearing and a fact that some BH must know.

 

 

Though as you see there is not a lot of depth to the affair story.

[Space Ritual]

Wow, what a jerk. His idea of coming to god is to dredge up a 17 year old affair and wreck a family for some children. Honestly, you were better off not knowing, and Mr. self proclaimed Jesus - if he had any sense and compassion - would have known that. He needs to clean his OWN soul, not insert himself into a long dead situation. He didn't "right" anything.

 

Had he not, Adrian would probably still be blissfully unaware of whom exactly he was married to.

 

If anybody is a jerk, it's his wife. That would be a mild moniker at present.

[lolablue17]

When I advised him not to dig in the past, it's because it happened 17 years ago!! The huge amount of time that has past is the only reason he's even considering to forgive. If it would have happened recently, he would have left already.

 

Anyway it's a very sad story.

 

I know I could have never stayed married to her. Not only because of the cheating, but because the way it has happened - Systematically, cold blooded well planed, executing her "master cheating project" to effectively testing 4 other D*cks, in a short time to "see how it is with them", while burying his opportunity to refuse - for the rest of his life.

 

17 years ago she didn't just kill this marriage. She has executed a serial assasination, premeditated murder to the marriage.

[Adrian73]

With 4 minor kids you will probably stay. Forgive her and let this go. Put it behind you. Don't live the rest of your life in misery.

 

I'd love nothing more than forgive, forget and move on. It's not as simple as it sounds.

 

first, ask to move back in.

 

I was only away for one night, I couldn't be without my kids. I did not ask to move back home, it is my house, I do not need permission.

 

I told her that I do not wish to discuss anything to do with what is going on until after Christmas. I want to enjoy the time with my kids and family and I don't wish to ruin the fun by bringing up this all the time.

 

I also told her that when we do talk I want every detail of every instance. It will be her only chance for 100% disclosure. I told her to think long and hard about it because if I find even the tiniest detail that she hasn't told me there will be no chance of us staying together.

 

I told her that I have scheduled a polygraph test (I haven't really) because someone said earlier that the thought of failing the test can lead to some confessions. She seemed to welcome this though so she must be very confident she would pass.

 

I know this direction of thoughts will scare the crap out of you, but have you thought about DNA testing your kids?

 

No I haven't given it a thought. I am very confident that nothing has happened outside of that "year of hell" when she made some very bad decisions. It's what actually happened in that year that might not be fully disclosed yet.

 

In any case whether or not I am the biological father of my kids I would always be their dad.

 

Had he not, Adrian would probably still be blissfully unaware of whom exactly he was married to.

 

If anybody is a jerk, it's his wife. That would be a mild moniker at present.

 

Look, I don't wish to call my wife names or punish her. She made some mistakes, and sure they are huge ones, and they have hurt me deeply.

 

But we all make mistakes or make bad decisions and while there are consequences and those consequences may in fact punish there is no need to be vindictive about it. I stand to gain nothing by belittling my wife just as I stand to gain nothing by punishing her. I would gain no satisfaction in doing so. What do I gain by calling my wife a slut? It belittles her and also me in the process. What do I gain by kicking her out of our bed? I lose the person that I am devoted to and want to hold just to punish her. We are not teenagers where that would be the first instinct, we have a lot more invested in our relationship.

 

All I want now is the truth. Hopefully that truth is not so devastating that it costs a marriage. I know my wife is willing to do anything I ask of her to help heal this situation but I believe this is more about me than her at the moment. She can do nothing more than be totally honest with me even knowing that the honesty may cost her her marriage.

[italianjob]

For you to know everything may be good for you. Though every BH has their own need to how much truth they need.

This is why the BH controls how much the WW tells him by the questions the BH asks.

Also to know the whole story, when affair started, who the OM was, when the affair ended, is there NC, is knowing all. Do not confuse not knowing all the details as not knowing the affair story.

Once a BH hears a fact that fact can never be unheard. It can be a fact some BH can never handle hearing and a fact that some BH must know.

Though as you see there is not a lot of depth to the affair story.

 

Well, actually, if you read what the OP wrote in his first post and now again, he thinks it would be good for him. And in this thread it's all that really matters, not what I or you think about knowing the truth...

 

He feels he doesn't have what he needs yet to elaborate his reaction, and until his gut tells him there is more to be known, I don't think he will be able to act one way or the other.

 

Frankly, I think he's far from knowing all the important things, my sensation is there is more.

 

Not that it would matter to me, I'm with lolablue on this one, the cold bloodness of this would make me want to split with things as they are now.

 

But that's me, and what matters here is what the OP feels...